The Mommy Rant

The Gambler

2012-01-31T23:47:00.000-05:00

When you get invited to the next baby shower, take some advice from this experienced mom, buy the mother-to-be either a sh*t load of batteries or new tupperware.
The batteries are self explanatory. The extra tupperware is necessary because no matter how much you label your plastic containers, it's always a gamble whether or not you'll get them back from the PTO teacher appreciation luncheon or the preschool pot luck.

song: The Gambler • artist: Kenny Rogers

Train in Vain

2012-01-30T15:42:00.002-05:00

It's a little disconcerting that Alec Baldwin stars as the conductor in the Thomas the Tank movie S & N cajoled daddy to rent at the library.
Hello boys and girls, I'm Mr. Conductor, and I'm here to tell you "that you don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the a** who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned."
I wonder if Mr Conductor lets riders use their cell phones.

song: Train in Vain • artist: The Clash

Rebel Yell

2012-01-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

Stayed home with the boys all day today while Ken worked and did not yell once.
And if you don't have kids or don't remember (cause who wants to remember yelling) what it feels like to yell at your kids - it really sucks. There are people who will lovingly tell you that sometimes you have to yell at them and that everyone yells at their kids sometimes and that they themselves even yell at their kids, and that's all well and good and true but even so - not yelling - is way better.
The simple truth is that I didn't yell not because I was a calm, zen mother, but because there weren't that many conflicts. H was at Nana and Papa's so C didn't have anyone to spar with and after his 20 minutes on the computer he disappeared upstairs to stage elaborate Playmobil battles. The twins got along with each other downstairs and even cleaned up their toys without being asked.
We didn't have to go anywhere so there was no getting-out-of-the-house-on-time stress. I even managed a few minutes of living in the present before H got home and we moved on to stories and homework.
The no yelling thing was great but what makes it all the more interesting is that I also talked to my sister on the phone today and one of the things we talked about was the people who post on Facebook about how incredibly happy and fulfilled their lives are and how I feel like the more you post on Facebook about how deliriously happy you are, the more unhappy you must secretly be. What's wrong with admitting to a little unhappiness? A little frustration?
So we started making analogies. How can you appreciate being happy if you've never been sad? How can you appreciate summer if you never lived through winter? How can you enjoy your own inner calm if you've never been outwardly mad? How can you appreciate a day of no yelling if you haven't had days where there's yelling (lots and lots of yelling).

song: Rebel Yell • artist: Billy Idol

Lay, Lady, Lay

2012-01-27T23:48:00.000-05:00

Why I couldn't do any work today.

song: Lay, Lady, Lay • artist: Bob Dylan

Help

2012-01-26T13:48:00.004-05:00

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson #11

What they say: "You help me."
What they mean: "You do it."

song: Help • artist: The Beatles

Rhythm of the Road

2012-01-25T23:52:00.002-05:00

Saw the addition to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum on Friday. Sweet. Draws attention to the building in a positive way. The Gardner suffers from being splashy on the inside but virtually invisible on the outside. Maybe this will lure in more visitors.
And the best part - I didn't have to get off the subway at South Station to try CheeseBoy. They have one at the Pru.
Thank goodness they didn't have CheeseBoy when I was in college - I would have weighed 300lbs by 1990.

song: Rhythm of the Road • artist: The String Cheese Incident

Hazy Shade of Winter

2012-01-24T21:02:00.002-05:00

The snow's was fun but sort of a let down for S & N.
First they questioned why, if it was snowing, it wasn't Christmas.
Then they wanted the snowman to talk.

song: Hazy Shade of Winter • artist: Simon & Garfunkel

2012-01-23T23:56:00.000-05:00

I Love Everybody

2012-01-22T23:15:00.002-05:00

Frankly, I hate "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Not only is it a bad show, it's a tired hyperbole.

song: I Love Everybody • artist: Lyle Lovett

rumination on a snowy day (a couplet)

2012-01-21T23:46:00.000-05:00

I like snow
when there's no place to go.

China Doll

2012-01-20T10:05:00.001-05:00

S & N concentrate on breaking gender barriers at the library.
Could somebody donate some sweaters to those barbies? All they have to wear are bikini tops and halters.

song: China Doll • artist: David Bowie

Choice in the Matter

2012-01-19T09:13:00.001-05:00

Why does the press continue to refer to Mitt Romney as Governor Romney?
The man gave up being governor of Massachusetts in 2006.
I gave up being the design manager of a small magazine in 2002 but people don't refer to me as Design Manager Briana-Gartner.
At the very least he should be called, "former Governor Romney;" but what he really is is Stay-At-Home-Candidate Romney
As I see it Mitt's like a lot of SAHMs. He gave up his career to focus on something else. In the case of SAHM's, it's a new baby or a growing family. In the case of Mitt Romney, it was to nurse his presidential candidacy.
SAHC Romney should be writing eloquent statement about the joys of staying home, about how it's been so much more rewarding than work and how fortunate he's been to be able to watch his candidacy take its first steps. SAHC Romney should be touting what he's learned from play groups, books, and his online support community of other SAH candidates.
He should speak up for the rights of other SAH candidates, some of whom are maligned by the media as being nothing more than wealthy spouses who turn their candidacies over to nannies to raise and spend their time playing tennis and planning ski vacations.
To his credit, he has tried to reach out to non-SAHCs. Don't worry. He feels your pain. He knows you wish you were staying home to raise your candidacy yourself instead of having to enroll your little one in preschool part time and enlist the help of your parents to watch your candidacy in the afternoons while you're working.
Good preschools are so expensive these days and if your candidacy doesn't get into the right one, it will never amount to anything more than a regional or county win at best.
His first candidacy was four years ago and since it will be starting kindergarten soon, it's no wonder Romney is trying for a second. He's got to have another candidacy or SAHC Romney better get a part-time job or at the very least start volunteering at the PTO. If not, people will talk.

song: Choice in the Matter • artist: Aimee Mann

Don't Keep Me Wonderin'

2012-01-18T10:27:00.002-05:00

How do the other mommy bloggers do it? How do they have the time to observe the adorable antics of their children, write posts that are considerably longer than most of the stuff I churn out, create their own buttons and design clever headers, and then cross post and network in order to self promote and build a community of friends and readers?
Case and point. I had one new comment to my blog the other day and sat down to respond to it - because all the blogs on "how to create more blog traffic" strongly encourage responding to every comment.
Anyway, I'm responding and hitting the send key when S comes in the room to tell me something.
He repeats the something.
Then repeats it again.
Finally I realize he's trying to let me know he's spilled his juice. I follow him into the kitchen where he's spilled a gallon of apple juice on the table and floor. At the same time the phone rings and it's the mom of H's friend Sam calling to set up a playdate for Saturday except I can't hear what she's saying because now N is crying from the bathroom where he's just noticed some skid marks on the undies he's been wearing all day. I say "hey sh*t happens."
Not only that but there's some liquid on the floor that I initially assume is pee though later come to realize is just water from the cat's bowl. Also the seat of N's pants are mysteriously wet.
All that in the time it took to respond to one blog comment. So again I wonder - how do these other moms do it? Observe, write, maintain, create, nurture, cook, clean, and do laundry.
And then mop up a gallon of apple juice.
Last night neither the twins nor the cat chose to sleep in our bed.
I lay awake for hours wondering why.

song: Don't Keep Me Wonderin' • artist: The Allman Brothers

Reach Out, I'll Be There

2012-01-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

scene: a narrow hallway leading to a back door containing a washing machine and dryer. The cabinets stacked above the machines are full of canned food.
A mother is transferring wet clothes from the washing machine to two drying racks that crowd the dead-end hallway. Above her head, the cabinet is open. The camera zooms in to show several cans of Planter's Mixed Nuts on the second shelf.
Father: Can you reach my nuts?
Mother: I can't. I'd need the step stool to reach your nuts.
Father: You mean I have to reach my own nuts?
Mother: I'm afraid so. I assume you can reach your own nuts.
Father: I've reached them before.
Mother: I thought so.

song: Reach Out, I'll Be There • artist: The Four Tops

Twenty-Nine Ways

2012-01-16T21:50:00.002-05:00

Yet another way to avoid supermarket plastic bag guilt when you've forgotten your canvas totes:
Take your purchases in your shopping basket up to the cashier and tell her your dilemma. Ask her if she minds if you put all the stuff back in the basket after it's been scanned. Carry the items to the car in the basket, transfer the purchases to the floor of the back seat (you don't want your apples getting under the accelerator). Then send your nine year old back inside the store to return the basket.
Works great!

song: Twenty-Nine Ways • artist: Marc Cohn

Your Mother Should Know II

2012-01-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

Now S tells me his mom is coming for lunch tomorrow, and I have to cook the main course.
I can hardly wait to meet her.

song: Your Mother Should Know • artist: The Beatles

Your Mother Should Know

2012-01-14T22:18:00.002-05:00

S keeps insisting that he has "another mother," and his own house.
His other mother eats candy and uses "bathroom talk."
He's constantly asking me if we can go to "his house now."
I tell him that I don't know where his house is.
He tells me it's near Nana and Papa's house.
I tell him we'll go later.
He tells me he wants to go now.
I suggest his other mother pick him up.

song: Your Mother Should Know • artist: The Beatles

This is the Time

2012-01-13T09:50:00.002-05:00

Not too late for resolutions I trust. Last year I went for the concrete and came up bust so this year it's on to something less tangible.
Two thousand and twelve is the year of living in the present. There. I've said it but it's not just me. The mantra of living in the present is being touted everywhere: books, articles, Eastern religion, NPR. Being in the present is the new black. It's hip. It's the cure to what ails us. Only thing is. Maybe it is.
Maybe I do spend too much time hashing over stuff from the past.
I know I spend a lot of time worrying about the future. And while it's probably a good bet to prepare for the future, sinking lots of time into worrying about it gets one nowhere. And it might even be detrimental to one's heath if what I've been hearing is correct.
If I'm lucky, I might be noticeably in the present once or twice a day.
Living in the present starts with taking a deep breath and noticing what's going on. Taking is deep breath is half way to calm if you ask me. Sometimes I feel like Dr. Suess's Grinch - that my heart is two sizes too small and it takes a big inhalation of air to inflate it.
There are loads of road blocks on the way to living in the present. Because if it were easy - we'd all be doing it.

song: This is the Time • artist: Billy Joel

Shadows of the Night

2012-01-12T00:12:00.002-05:00

What will it be tonight?
The cat jumping on my head and waking me up?
The cat jumping on Ken's head and waking me up?
The twins coming in, one at a time, to sleep in our bed and waking me up?
The cat again. I wake up and put her in the hallway.
C coming into my room and waking me up to say the cat's jumping on his feet?
Me suggesting he carry the cat out of his room and close the door?
The cat back in the bedroom because C left the door open but closed his own?
The dream in which I am in a wedding party and my cousin picks out a red tulle ballet skirt for me to wear?
Why go to bed at all?

song: Shadows of the Night • lyrics: Pat Benatar

Digging in the Dirt II

2012-01-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

Immediately after seeing this I felt the need to mock it.
Sure, plants growing out of egg shells are cute, but the text touts this as a way to recycle your cracked egg shells. Of all the things we need to worry about finding a way to recycle - egg shells aren't one of them.
They recycle themselves, pretty easily in your compost, have been for years.
If you'd rather plant seeds in them by all means go ahead, but don't pat yourself on the back over all the egg shells you're keeping out of the landfill.
Then I thought - "you're such a curmudgeon Joanne, just let them have their cute seedings in egg shells - what's the harm?"
I suppose the harm is when we think that we can rest on our green laurels after recycling egg shells and therefore don't address any real issues.

song: Digging in the Dirt • artist: Peter Gabriel

Bluer than Blue

2012-01-10T09:36:00.002-05:00

Noooooooo! They picked the Smurfs!
Don't those kids read movie reviews?

song: Bluer than Blue • artist: Michael Johnson

Leo (a couplet)

2012-01-09T08:51:00.004-05:00

We are smitten,
with our kitten.

Sixteen Tons

2012-01-08T23:31:00.001-05:00

Ken is the kind of consumer that companies hate.
He buys what's on sale - without any brand loyalty.
The last several boxes of diapers he's brought home have featured characters from Sesame Street.
I believe I have complained in the past about how it's practically impossible to find a diaper that doesn't feature some licensed character on it. I also believe I have suggested my excellent idea for no-name diapers which, instead of Dora the Explorer, have the words FRONT and BACK emblazoned on them.
This would be very helpful. Especially when you have to change the baby in the middle of the night. Or in a drunken stupor.
But back to Sesame Street.
Although at our house they do not watch television except for movies, anything goes at Nana and Papa's so S & N are able to recognize the Sesame Street characters.
And what is the next step after recognition? Stating a personal preference naturally.
Both the boys prefer diapers with Ernie on them.
It's not surprising that they both like the same character - they are twins after all.
What happens is that stacks of diapers are disheveled and strewn about the bedroom in the search for the coveted Ernie diapers. And there are never enough Ernie diapers to go around. Grover is the runner up choice but it's a distant second. N & S will make several passes through the stack in hopes of an Ernie before settling on a Grover.
Then there's the problem of the other characters: Elmo, Big Bird, and Cookie Monster. They are on the rejected diapers that no one wants.
Oddly, Elmo appears two times more often than the other characters. In one version Elmo is waving; the other is a static head-on illustration.
Why, I ask out loud, are there two versions of Elmo? Were there so few other suitable characters that they had to repeat one? What about Oscar? Kermit? Snuffaluffa-whatever his name was? What about them?
Ken does not understand what the big deal is about this. So I explain.
It's like this honey. The box of diapers is like your can of mixed nuts. First you eat all the cashews, and then the almonds. You keep going until you get to the Brazil nuts. The nuts you leave in the can when you open a new can because you don't like Brazil nuts. No one likes Brazil nuts.
Now imagine there are twice as many Brazil nuts as there are cashews.
Elmo is a Brazil nut.
What's even more of a travesty is that there's no Bert diaper. How can there even be an Ernie diaper without a corresponding Bert diaper? What's wrong with Bert?
It's nuts if you ask me.

song: Sixteen Tons • artist: Tennessee Ernie Ford

Sail On

2012-01-07T16:27:00.002-05:00

Don't miss the 24-hour reading of Moby Dick, going on now, at the New Bedford Whaling Museum.
Four and a half hours in and the Pequod hasn't left the dock yet.
http://www.whalingmuseum.org/programs/moby-dick-marathon-2012

song: Sail On • The Commodores

This is why we Fight

2012-01-06T10:46:00.003-05:00

A disturbing statistic I read recently stated that siblings argue on average, eight times an hour.
I mentioned this to C who dwelt on it for a few seconds and then said, "that seems about right."
Today the elementary school students voted on the feature film for Jan. 20's movie night. The choice was between Smurfs and Despicable Me.
Please let Despicable Me win.

song: This is why we Fight • artist: Decemberists

Throwing it All Away

2012-01-05T08:50:00.002-05:00

For the record I'd like to say that I, for one, cannot wait until Falmouth adopts a pay as you go trash disposal system. I think we should all sit on the floor and spill out the refuse in our trash cans aka Colin Beavan (Mr. No Impact Man himself) and really look at it.
Way back when - towns didn't collect garbage - and really why should they? Why is the town responsible for hauling away the styrofoam packaging from last night's take out? Way back when farmers had their own personal garbage piles on some remote corner of their property (Peter Rabbit's relations are always rooting around in it in the Beatrice Potter books remember?) There wasn't much in it, some composting newspapers, rotten rutabagas, shoe leather, and glass bottles.
Of course most of us don't live on farms anymore or have large enough tracts of land to accommodate our own personal Fresh Kills; and towns got in on the garbage collection action (wisely) in order to prevent diseases from spreading through cities and large towns when waste was left lying waist high in the streets.
I've heard the argument that pay as you go will create rampant littering but have you looked around lately? Look up in the trees and count the plastic bags, drive down Thomas Landers Road or Route 28 where the double lane highway ends as you approach town - litter is already rampant. People who don't recycle are just lazy - pay as you go isn't going to make them into illegal dumping criminals. If they haven't the energy to sort through their trash and separate, it what makes people think they'll have the energy to load it into their cars at night and drive around looking for a place to dispose of it? It's like the reusable bags. We aren't motivated to remember them because it's not costing us anything to forget them. Not yet at least.
In Sandwich this summer, where they already have adopted pay as you go, I saw more instances of people putting items in their front yards with sings on them reading "free." How great is that? Instead of throwing away something that could be useful to someone else - items are being offered up for free. Did everyone in Sandwich suddenly become altruistic, or by making it harder to throw stuff out (or more expensive) has the town given people incentive to consider (and take responsibility for) what happens to the stuff they throw out.
If it's easy. It's easy not to think about it.
Taking it a step further, why should our trash cans be laden with plastic twists ties, cellophane windows to cardboard boxes, the plastic clam shells that the batteries came in, the hard-to-remove plastic that tiny computer camera flash card come in - that you need the kitchen scissors to extract, not to mention what happens to larger items at the end of their life cycle, like TVs . The companies that make these products should be the ones to deal with all the trash that's created just by buying something and opening it up.
Maybe, when we're all left holding the bag (literally) we'll start holding corporations accountable. If corporations are recognized by law as having certain rights and responsibilities should they have to clean up the messes that they create?
After all, my kids have to clean up theirs.

song: Throwing it All Away • artist: Genesis

Bless the Beasts and the Children

2012-01-04T22:33:00.002-05:00

Today I interviewed a minister for a story I'm writing about pet blessing ceremonies.
The entire time we were speaking on the phone, Leo the kitten was on top of the mouse cage trying to swat at my son's pet mice.
"Got a blessing for a mouse about to be eviscerated?"

song: Bless the Beasts and the Children • artist: The Carpenters

Far Away

2012-01-04T12:17:00.000-05:00

And here's another thing about plastic bags. At the Windfall Market (our town's independently owned grocery store) they deduct a nickel off your total for every reusable bag you bring in. Let's just say up front that a nickel is not much of an incentive to begin with but - I would argue that when I do remember to bring in my canvas bags I can fit four times as many groceries into them as I would be able to get in one plastic bag. So shouldn't I get 20¢ per bag instead of just 5¢? Shouldn't the policy be a nickel for every plastic bag I am saving the store by not using?
I do not know the answer to this but last time I was in Windfall with my bags I had three bags but only enough items to warrant the use of two. The bagger argued to the cashier that I should get 15¢ off my order, a nickel for every bag brought, not a mere 10¢ for actual bags used.
If that's the policy I could start bringing my entire reusable bag collection into the store, which is upwards of 10 bags, plus the half dozen my husband keeps in his car.

song: Far Away • artist: Nickelback

Nick of Time

2012-01-03T23:56:00.002-05:00

Today's revelation -- you don't need to remember to bring your canvas bags to the supermarket. You can just walk in the entry and fish a plastic bag out of the plastic bag recycle bin! I did it today. Works great! Sure, the store bags aren't as flashy as my own reusables but it sure beats trying to carry everything to the car or stuffing it in your purse at self check - which is not only inconvenient but also looks kinda fishy.
I plan to use the tactic on a regular basis - and hopefully embarrass my children with it.

song: Nick of Time • artist: Bonnie Raitt

Valerie

2012-01-02T22:43:00.003-05:00

Yes we lost some great folks in 2011. Steve Jobs, Andy Rooney, Clarence Clemons, Liz Taylor, my two amazing aunts, Lucille and Betty; and let's not forget Dobie Gray.
What's that? You say you don't remember Dobie Gray? You mean the refrain, "give me the beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll" means nothing to you?
Drift Away is the first pop song I remember listening to. I was six when it came out in 1973 (go ahead, do the math), and I heard it played on an eight-track tape player in my babysitter Valerie's car. Yep. It was the 70s - - and I had a babysitter named Valerie.
Sometimes Valerie would pick me up and drive me over to her house where she'd leave me with her mom and go off with her boyfriend. Their house had a grape arbor outside the back door. When I played inside I used to set up their Mousetrap game or watch the fish in their aquarium that I remember as always being cloudy. Valerie's mom was always in her nightgown in the middle of the day watching tv in the living room.
Sometimes Valerie would bring me along to do errands or stop off at her boyfriend's house - her boyfriend's parent's house of course. Her boyfriend had the Stoned Again poster in his room - the creepiest poster ever when you are six years old.
This is what I am reminded of whenever I catch a snippet of Drift Away on the radio and drift back to 1973 and wonder if my parents had any idea when they went out that I was being carted around town or left with a middle-aged woman who by all accounts appeared to be comatose. As a parent I'm proud to say I used a much more comprehensive vetting process for potential babysitters.
So thanks Dobie, "thanks for the joy that you've given me. I want you to know I believe in your song."
But that Stoned Again poster still creeps me out.

song: Valerie • artist: The Monkeys

Freeze Frame

2012-01-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

New Year's Day Run and Dunk. "Look Ma! No hands! And come to think of it I can't feel my feet either!"

song: Freeze Frame • artist: J. Geils

NaBloPoMo 12/31

2011-12-31T10:33:00.000-05:00

The Gift of Optimism:
This year some of the book titled I read were No Impact Man, The Story of Stuff, In Defense of Food, and The Hundred Dollar Holiday.
Despite this, I still have plenty of stuff, including cans of cream of mushroom soup, and spent well over $100 at Christmas.
This week the internet seems rife with stories about 2011 recaps and how folks are elated to see this year wrap up in a don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out kind of way. While the year may have stank economy-wise, here on Cape Cod I still have my favorite local radio station and a membership to the farm that's a mere 10 minutes from my house. Farmers markets sprang up everywhere in 2011 with two winter markets scheduled to start in Falmouth after the first of the year. My sons' elementary school went paperless with his take-home notices and our fall fundraiser included the sale of reusable shopping bags instead of shiny wrapping paper that can't be recycled or burned. Shopping local for the holidays was promoted everywhere and despite my dream in which they folded to make way for a hip and knee replacement store, the sales woman at our main street toy store said sales were strong this year.
So maybe it wasn't all doom and gloom. Not if you turned over every stone and really looked.

NaBloPoMo 12/30

2011-12-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

The Gift of Leaving Well Enough Alone:
Why is it that when four boys are playing quietly, upstairs, together in one room, you have to ruin it by going up to check on them?

NaBloPoMo 12/29

2011-12-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

C and I won the afternoon mind bender on WMVY yesterday. I provided the answer and C was quick draw on the telephone.
After giving the answer (Luxemburg), he threw the phone on the floor and started screaming "We Won! We Won!" as if we'd just won a million bucks in the state lottery instead of a CD from a radio station.
Speaking of gifts, even though we weren't, tonight C's got for friends sleeping over for a belated birthday party.

NaBloPoMo 12/28

2011-12-28T23:49:00.001-05:00

Now that it's all said and done, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to give the kids occasional gifts during the year, gifts for no reason, or gifts for small celebrations that we make up ourselves, rather than save everything up for the big December payola.
My past philosophy has been that of not really buying my kids much during the year outside of birthdays - making it okay to go overboard on December 25. It's like a Christmas binge after an 11-month fast. Which of course is unhealthy.

NaBloPoMo 12/27

2011-12-27T23:48:00.003-05:00

You know your kids got too much stuff for Christmas when they tell their grandparents on the phone that they got so many presents they can't remember them - and they only finished opening gifts 10 minutes ago.

NaBloPoMo 12/26

2011-12-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

The seasonal question - leave the unwrapped presents under the tree for a few days or put everything away?

What Child is This?

2011-12-26T14:55:00.000-05:00

A litany of embarrassing moments from the Christmas Eve service at Grace Memorial Chapel.
When the reader started in on Luke chapter 2 verse 8 (and there were in that same country shephards), H leaned over and whispered: "Linus!"
When the organist started in on "Hark the Herald Angles Sing," he said, "Charlie Brown!"
When Jesus was getting wrapped in swaddling clothes and placed in the manger he asked me, "Mommy, is Jesus a boy or a girl?"
After placing his cow in the manger, S made a b-line not for our pew but for the back door of the church. Ken got him just as he was opening the door.
After we finished singing "Silent Night," N spoke up loudly and asked, "we sing Happy Birthday now? I like that song."

song: What Child is This? • artist: William Chatterton Dix

NaBloPoMo 12/25

2011-12-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

You gotta love Christmas. It's the only day I can get my kids to do anything:
"Sure. You can open your gifts right after you get dressed, clear away the breakfast dishes and re-shingle the roof."
I could have kept them going all day.

NaBloPoMo 12/24

2011-12-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:

'cause I said so.

Number Two

2011-12-24T00:10:00.001-05:00

So far the kitten's been good about going number two in the litter box but Leo like to pee just about anywhere.
I bought a book on training your kitten but I wrapped it up to give to H on Christmas so it looks like we've all got to wait one more day before addressing the problem.

song: Number Two • artist: They Might Be Giants

NaBloPoMo 12/23

2011-12-23T16:56:00.000-05:00

Gift of Nature:
Finished stringing our outdoor Christmas lights (finally!) and found this bird nest in the holly bush.

The Coldest Night of the Year

2011-12-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

My husband and my eldest son are both wearing shorts to commemorate the shortest day of the year.
Touché

song: The Coldest Night of the Year • artist: Bruce Cockburn

NaBloPoMo 12/22

2011-12-22T09:27:00.001-05:00

In art class this week the kids made gifts to give away to other people.
C told me that he gave his present to his friend Will to give to Will's dad.
Great.
Santa's getting all the credit - and now Will's dad is getting the homemade present that's rightfully mine.

NaBloPoMo 12/21

2011-12-21T22:31:00.002-05:00

All the e-mail advertising promise that it's not too late - you could still get your gifts in time for Christmas, just order by midnight tonight, noon tomorrow, 8 PM on Thursday, expedited shipping, next day air… When is it too late? Pay extra shipping equal to twice the value of the gift and they'll show up in person and hand it to your loved one on Sunday morning.
The subject line in the e-mail ad for viagra and cialis reads "Christmas is Coming!"
Clever right? Christmas is coming and maybe you could be too.
Except that further down in my spam folder there's an ad for luxury replica watches and their subject line is also "Christmas is Coming!"
The viagra and cialis ship in one-to-four days.
It's not too late!

NaBloPoMo 12/21

2011-12-21T08:45:00.001-05:00

I thought I had posted on Monday. In my head I had written about the gift of foresight and having stopped at the gas station before the empty light came on the dash - a first.
Instead I guess I needed to write about the gift of follow through.

NaBloPoMo 12/20

2011-12-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that I made my own gift wrapping paper this year with a newspaper end roll and stamps made from styrofoam meat trays?
I confess, it was a little obsessive. Not exactly Martha Stewart, but not half bad.
Too bad Santa will still be delivering gifts in the toxic, don't-recycle-it-or-burn-it-in-the-fireplace-variety.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

2011-12-19T13:20:00.002-05:00

Some things that my children have told me look like guns:

• candy canes

• pieces of bread with bites taken out

• sticks

• rolled up pieces of paper

song: Happiness is a Warm Gun • artist: The Beatles

NaBloPoMo 12/18

2011-12-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

The gift of perspective.
Knowing that in one week it will all be over.

NaBloPoMo 12/17

2011-12-17T23:26:00.001-05:00

The gift of a guilt-free conscience.
It's easier to give away dog crates, cook books, faux x-mas trees, cloth diapers, and wine glasses. After postings on Facebook and Freecycle, Paul came through on Craig's List and picked up our old tv since there was no way after reading "No Impact Man," and "The Story of Stuff" that I could consign our working tv set to the dump.

New Kid in Town

2011-12-16T22:56:00.001-05:00

Meet Leo.

song: New Kid in Town • artist: the Eagles

NaBloPoMo 12/16

2011-12-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be better if the kids had the week prior to Christmas off and not the week after?
There are all these things we could be doing: making cookies and suet and paper chains and ornaments, and decorating frames for school pictures for the grandparents.
Instead the boys are in school all the way until next Friday where I'm sure they are so distracted they can't concentrate a wit.
Instead of a week of preparations, they have the week after Christmas off instead. C told me the reason it was this way was to give them a week to play with their toys thereby emphasizing yet again the gift-getting aspect of this holiday instead of the parts that could really be both enjoyable and memorable.

NaBloPoMo 12/15

2011-12-15T14:36:00.002-05:00

Am I feeling some resentment towards Santa?
You bet I am.
I do all the work and some eccentric old guy in a weird outfit with a penchant for having little kids sit on his lap gets all the credit.
On any other day we would caution our children to run screaming away from anyone fitting this description and yet on this one day (and the 364 days leading up to this one day) we encourage our kids to behave so he will bring them gifts.
The other day H dreamily declared that he loved Santa.
"It's me!" I wanted to say. "It's me you love!"

NaBloPoMo 12/14

2011-12-14T09:47:00.002-05:00

With the prompt, gift, it seems natural to contemplate one's childhood and reminisce about a favorite Christmas present. Only trouble is I can't think of one.
There was this Tuesday Taylor doll, sort of a large version of Barbie. What I liked most was that my mom made her clothes. Sometimes she made the out of remnents from clothes she'd made me so Tuesday and I matched. I also remember being pretty excited about the Barbie camper one Christmas. But other than that, what I remember about Christmas is decorating the tree, having shrimp for dinner on Christmas Day, the long wait before opening gifts while my Dad went to mass, years when my Lexington cousins came to visit, putting those wax-like bricks in the fire that made the flames turn color, those bumpy pillar candles we had, one of Mary, Joseph and Jesus and the other of the wise men, and lastly those birds that looked like test-tubes with water in the bottom that would dunk their beaks into your drink - boy did I think those were cool.
Kinda puts it all into perspective as I contemplate whether or not to by more stuff for my kids. What they need isn't more gifts. It's more kitsch.

NaBloPoMo 12/13

2011-12-13T09:46:00.001-05:00

In college I once went to a Joan Jet concert that I didn't want to attend. My boyfriend didn't want to be there either. So why were we there? Gifted tickets? Sociology report on the science of crowds? Free snacks? No no and no although there might have been snacks, it's hard to remember - everything about college had snacks involved.
We were there because neither of us wanted to do what the other wanted. I wanted to go to a lecture at Simmons and he wanted to go to an NU huskies hockey game. Instead of one of us sucking it up for the other we chose to do something neither of us wanted to do in the first place and despite the fact that we had a pretty good time at the concert, for a long time after I would use this incident as an example of everything that was wrong with the relationship and how neither of us would make a sacrifice for the other.
But time has this way of putting things into a new light. Often I find myself suggesting to my children when they are fighting because C wants H to play a board game and H wants C to shoot hockey pucks up and down the hallway, that they do neither and agree on something else entirely. I use the word consensus and explain that while they may not end up with their number one choice, they should be able to come up with something that is fun for them both; it's either that or take your toys to your own corner and play alone. What I find is that having someone to play with is usually more important than what they play.
Because it's almost Christmas, this incident from college has reminded me of O. Henry's Gift of the Magi, a story which I've always had a hard time deciding if I liked. It's depressing picturing the two characters sitting on their shabby couch, her with her fancy combs and short hair and him with his watchless platinum watch chain. Even O. Henry flat out calls his characters "foolish children" but then waxes sentimental saying that "of all who give gifts these two were the wisest."
I don't know. Maybe if they had just pooled their resources they could have gone to the Joan Jett concert too.

Blues About You Baby

2011-12-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson #10

He who does not commit the time up front to paying attention to what their kids are doing must accept that they will have to clean up the mess after their children are done.

song: Blues About You Baby • artist: Delbert McClinton

NaBloPoMo 12/12

2011-12-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

Damn. I'm sure Donna what's-her-name is a very nice person and all, but no one deserved to win that gift stocking more than me.

The Road

2011-12-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I still think about you, wonder where you are.
Can you see me from some place up there among the stars?

And if it's only all about the journey in the end
On that road I'm glad I came to know you my old friend.

song: The Road • artist: Emmylou Harris

NaBloPoMo 12/11

2011-12-11T22:45:00.002-05:00

Waiting for the big man to arrive for the passing out of gifts at the Elks Christmas Party:
C: Santa always comes in from the bar.
Me: Of course he does.

You Keep Me Hanging On

2011-12-11T16:26:00.002-05:00

The rules.
#1 Glass and ceramic at the top, wood and felt at the bottom.
#2. An ornament must hang from the Christmas tree.
No exceptions.
If you hang an ornament and it dangles so low that it ends up sitting or lying on the branch below it does not constitute hanging. You must remove that ornament and find a different place to hang it.
#3. An ornament that has a definite front and back must be hung so that it faces front regardless of how many times you have to take it off, unwind its string, hang it again and wait until it stops spinning to see if you got it right. Santa's face must be facing forward. Period.

song: You Keep Me Hanging On • artist: The Supremes

NaBloPoMo 12/10

2011-12-10T23:53:00.004-05:00

Today, S, my son who cries at preschool drop off literally pushed me back and fended off his brother in order to go - by himself - to collect his gift/em> from Santa.

NaBloPoMo 12/9

2011-12-09T23:20:00.001-05:00

Good News caller number nine!
We're now registered to be in the drawing for the giant gift stocking from WMVY!
C and I are already counting our gift certificates.

NaBloPoMo 12/8

2011-12-08T23:48:00.001-05:00

Dear fellow Blogher readers,
It's that time of year. Time for parents of school-aged children to receive a letter or e-mail from the classroom parent suggesting that they all pitch in to buy a gift certificate for the teacher.
How do people feel about monetary collections put towards gift certificates for teachers?
I opted out of the group gift because a) my son won't get that good gift-giving feeling if I write the teacher a check and b) I have four kids, all of which have various teachers, classroom assistants, music teachers, Sunday school teachers, coaches and bus drivers. These people are all lovely and invaluable to the quality of my children's lives but I cannot afford to go out and purchase gifts or go in on gifts for all of them.
It seems like the group gift is now the norm. Maybe it is easier for busy parents. Don't get me wrong about it. I'm busy too. You don't have to think up a super-creative gift for your child to give their teacher - or strong arm them to think of something. I have the kids compose a card in which they tell their teacher what it is they like most about class this year. I have them use details. The details might take some strong-arming but teachers love details. We generally make something simple and include it with a card.
Is the "group gift" now the norm? Does your child give the teacher a gift for Christmas?

Lazy Day

2011-12-08T14:01:00.001-05:00

It's 1:20 PM. S & N just changed out of their pj's in order to have lunch - pancakes.
In the last few days I've been dialing the WMVY hotline in an attempt to register for the drawing for their holiday stocking stuffer so often that today I went to call Ken at work and couldn't remember his number.

song: Lazy Day • artist: Spanky and Our Gang

NaBloPoMo 12/7

2011-12-07T17:57:00.001-05:00

Sunday is the Elks Christmas Party.
The one where I provide the wrapped gifts to be handed out to my kids and Santa gets all the credit. - not unlike December 25th.
H is planning to ask Santa for a DS.
I hope Santa's prepared to let him down easy.
C would know better than to ask for anything electronic, he's very in tune to Mommy's attitude about electronic toys. He reminds me of myself. I always knew to only ask my mother for clothes that were hanging on the sale rack; H on the other hand is still shooting for the stars. Do I like it better to think that my kid knows who I am or do I like it better to think that my kid is oblivious and ever hopeful?

The Trees

2011-12-07T11:11:00.001-05:00

S & N try to protect Christmas tree ...

From crazy saw-wielding older brother ...

to no avail ...

song: The Trees • artist: Rush

Sing a Song

2011-12-06T23:18:00.002-05:00

The other day C and H and I were watching School House Rock and getting down to Lolly Lolly Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here. I told C that instead of commercials when I was a kid they aired educational programming between television shows (not exactly true but no harm no foul). I then told him that in addition to singing about adverbs, the constitution, and interjections, we used to sing our times tables in school.It's no wonder I'm always breaking out into song. I can't help it. I'm a child of the 70s.

song: Sing a Song • artist: The Carpenters

NaBloPoMo 12/6

2011-12-06T23:10:00.000-05:00

To the best of my knowledge no one has complained about this year's holiday gift guide. It might be a first.
You would think that the holiday gift guide would be the least controversial supplement and yet there's always something. Once I got complaints that one town on the Upper Cape wasn't featured enough. Once someone commented that there wasn't enough mention of Hanukkah. Once a woman left a long rambling message about how we featured Hanukkah too much, and Christmas not enough. There have been complaints about shops not featured and credit not given, events not listed and facts not checked.
Once someone complained that the supplement features were all about encouraging people to buy stuff and not about the true spirit of Christmas. Undoubtably they weren't paying attention on the cover - where it says, in large print, Holiday GIFT GUIDE, because that's what the supplement is folks - a guide to gifts. No hidden agendas here people.

NaBloPoMo 12/5

2011-12-05T22:40:00.001-05:00

I imagine the cast of "Says You!" being given the words "present" and "gift" in a round of What's the Difference. Without consulting Webster (we don't need no stinkin' dictionaries), I would answer that a present is given at a prescribed time, for a birthday, for Christmas, etc., while a gift can be given at any time, making it more spontaneous. Also, a gift can be less tangible than a present. We often refer to the gift of time or of friendship; while you don't usually hear someone speak of the present friendship. Gifts have a spark of the divine about them. A gift might even connote sacrifice which could be why O. Henry wrote "Gift of the Magi," instead of "Present of the Magi."
There are gifts from heaven and gifts from God. Personal attributes or special talents are considered gifts, as in, "he was musically gifted" or "she was a gifted student."
A round of Says You's "Odd Man Out" featuring the word gift might look something like this: Tag, Baby, Horse, Shop and Cheese. Cheese would naturally be the odd man out since you've got your "gift tag," "baby gift," "gift horse," and "gift shop," but no "gift cheese."
And speaking of, it's a real gift when I get to listen to "Says You!" in its entirety on a Saturday night. That 8PM time slot is really not conducive to parents who are trying to put children to bed. In a few years I'll just give up and let them listen with me.

NaBloPoMo 12/4 (a couplet)

2011-12-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

the perfect gift
will spirits lift

Automatic for the People

2011-12-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

The automatic sliding door on my mini van is broken. Estimated cost for the replacement part is $400 and there's substantial labor involved in the procedure so it looks like I'll be adding the door to the things-that-will-never-get-fixed-in-my-lifetime list. It's a bit discouraging because the automatic sliding door was the only cool thing about driving a mini van.

album: Automatic for the People • artist: R.E.M.

Darkness on the Edge of Town

2011-12-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

OMG, I hate this time of year. What's the point in hanging out the laundry, I'll just have to bring it in two hours from now when it gets dark.

song: Darkness on the Edge of Town • artist: Bruce Springsteen

NaBloPoMo 12/3

2011-12-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

Mommy buys the Advent calendars.
Mommy strings up the Christmas lights.
Mommy makes sure the boys each have a new ornament to hang on the tree.
Mommy buys gifts.
Mommy wraps gifts
Mommy buys gifts for the Elks Christmas Party so that Santa can hand them out to her four kids at the party.
Mommy bakes cookies.
Mommy strings popcorn and cranberries
Mommy makes sure her kids make cards and presents for their teachers.
Mommy orders the photo card from Shutterfly.
Daddy hides the elf on the shelf.

NoBloPoMo 12/2

2011-12-02T10:30:00.001-05:00

I admit it, I'm a person who judges other people on how they react to my kids. What that means is that I'm waiting for you to say my kids are cute, if you don't, it's likely that Ken and I will talk about you later as in, "Can you believe so-and-so didn't say the kids were cute?"
I blame society for this because society tells us our kids are cute - all the time. Seriously. Want to get a response from 20+ people on Facebook? Don't write something clever - post a photo of your kids - people you didn't even remember you were friends with will respond to it. It's pavlovian. It's taken to the next level when you have twins - hyperdrive cute.
When S & N were babies and I'd push them down Main Street in their double stroller we were like a parade: people in cars would slow down and point, people on foot would at the very least smile when we passed, I think that even dogs were humbled (yep, they're cuter than me, woof, woof). I was pushing the boys on a side road once and a man came out off his porch and asked me if I'd push my twins over so his 90-year old mother could see them. Last week S & N stood at the end of the driveway to wave to the garbage man and not only did the garbage man wave back, he stopped to truck, got out, talked to them, showed them the cab, and beeped the horn. The twins were awestruck.
When they were babies I remember telling my husband the twins were ambassadors of good will and that I'd never, in my life, gotten so much attention. It was intoxicating. It was what being popular must be like. You get used to it. We got used to it. Which is why - when people don't comment on how freaking' adorable my kids are, I notice. Yesterday the plumber was here, providing a morning of entertainment for S & N who would have happily handed over tools had it been an option. Silas even presented him with a gift: a yellow piece of paper with several cut marks (he's working on his scissor skills), and barely got an acknowledgment. I get it. The guys not a little-kid kind of guy, I wasn't a little-kid kind of gal before I had some myself, but it doesn't stop me from saying, when Ken called to ask about the job, "can you believe he didn't say the kids were cute?"
Even though I was not a baby gusher before kids, now I try to comment on other people kids because as adorable as that baby or toddler is when I tell their mother that they are lovely, there will come a time in the not-too-distant future when they will be red-faced and wailing. Perhaps when they are in that moment, it will help that exasperated parent to remember that their child is usually so sweet that even strangers on the street notice.

NaBloPoMo 12/1

2011-12-01T15:37:00.001-05:00

"The first gift of Christmas!" announces Santa as he hands off that harness bell to our nameless "Polar Express" narrator while all the parents wax nostalgic and all the children think, "what an idiot, he totally wasted his wish!"

Animal

2011-11-30T21:04:00.002-05:00

Even though I just upgraded to Snow Leopard, I see that Apple is now out with OS Lion. I think all that's left for future choices are OS Ocelot and OS Cheeteh, neither of which sound appealing; OS Cheetah for obvious reasons and OS Ocelot because it sounds like "OS cost-a-lot" if you say it quickly.
It's good to know however that long after all the big cats have become extinct in the wild, they'll continue to live on in the MacIntosh Menagerie.

song: Animal • artist: Def Leppard

Tuesday Afternoon

2011-11-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

S & N decided they needed to bring the following items with them when we went to wait for C & H at the bus stop this afternoon:
1. flash light
2. 10 8oz. plastic cups
3. plastic shopping cart
4. half finished bowl of oatmeal and a spoon (placed inside the shopping cart).

song: Tuesday Afternoon • artist: Moody Blues

Your Song

2011-11-29T10:22:00.003-05:00

Good news! I'm already an annoying embarrassment to my children.

song: Your Song • artist: Elton John

Hot Stuff

2011-11-25T15:53:00.000-05:00

me: "What do the people who got 42" televisions for $199 on Black Friday do with the 40" sets they got last year?"
him: "Put them in their bathrooms."

song: Hot Stuff • artist: Donna Summer

Cold Turkey

2011-11-24T22:31:00.002-05:00

So much turkey they passed out on the couch.

song: Cold Turkey • artist: John Lennon

Yes Sir, That's My Baby

2011-11-21T23:17:00.001-05:00

H acknowledges mommy's favorite Dr. Seuss character.
In the past month C wrote an acrostic Halloween poem for school that touted the avoidance of high fructose corn syrup and H failed to recognized a photograph of Ronald McDonald ("it's a clown").
Those are my boys.

song: Yes Sir, That's My Baby • artist: Ace Brigode

Superstar

2011-11-20T23:26:00.001-05:00

OMG! Guess who was speaking at the Eric Carlie Museum of Picture Book Art today!
Norton Juster!
Sorry, but if you don't know who Norton Juster is then you had a sad deprived childhood and I feel sorry for you.

song: Superstar • artist: The Carpenters

Changes

2011-11-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

It's tough trying to potty train twins. We went through five pairs of undies and pants before dinnertime today.

song: Changes • David Bowie

Come To My Window

2011-11-17T22:59:00.002-05:00

Proof that the holidays are too close together: S & N want to know if Santa is coming for Thanksgiving dinner.
I can't speak for Santa, but this turkey arrived at our house a week early. And he didn't bring a side dish.

song: Come to my Window • artist: Melissa Etheridge

The Last Time

2011-11-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

Last day in the garden.

song: The Last Time • artist: The Rolling Stones

Oh Very Young

2011-11-16T09:09:00.003-05:00

Morning tongue twister. Say it three times fast.
Serious cereal spillage
Serious cereal spillage
Serious cereal spillage

song: Oh Very Young • artist: Cat Stevens

Hot, Hot, Hot

2011-11-14T21:43:00.002-05:00

When there's day after day of plus-60°F weather during November, we say "Shhhhhh. Don't jinx it."
But when there's a cold streak in May the right-wing pundits are quick to sarcastically say, "and the scientists claim there's global warming."

song: Hot, Hot, Hot • artist: Buster Poindexter

Pictures of Lily

2011-11-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

First photo - new camera.
And what? You thought it would be of my kids?

song: Pictures of Lily • artist: The Who

diner haiku

2011-11-11T22:29:00.000-05:00

creamer pyramid.
six year old's ancient wonder,
of the diner world.

Trapped II

2011-11-11T13:45:00.002-05:00

I love how kids see the world. Always in a more optimistic (and creative) light than adults.
Our neighbors are having some work done to the underground irrigation system in their front yard. The landscape trucks have been there for two days and dug a large hole which they covered with planks.
On the way to the bus stop yesterday H exclaimed, "look at the trap the neighbors dug!"

song: Trapped • artist: Bruce Sprintsteen

Trapped

2011-11-09T23:10:00.000-05:00

Note to self. Soy nut butter may fool elementary school children but it does not fool mice.

song: Trapped • artist: Bruce Springsteen

Here I Go Again

2011-11-09T13:45:00.002-05:00

Hello?
Who picked up the snake she found while raking the yard - with her bare hands - in order to put it in a container so her kids can see it after school?
I am the best mom!

song: Here I Go Again • artist: White Snake

Ripple

2011-11-07T23:39:00.002-05:00

On Monday mornings after the Patriots have lost, the school bus gets to our stop earlier. The reason being, the bus driver is too depressed over the loss to engage in his usual curbside banter.

song: Ripple • artist: The Grateful Dead

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

2011-11-06T19:56:00.001-05:00

It's 7:47 PM, my kids are bathed, read to and in bed.
I think I love daylight savings.

song: It's Five O'Clock Somewhere • artist: Jimmy Buffet

Why We Can't Save the Planet (a haiku)

2011-11-04T22:31:00.001-04:00

Like fated squirrels
Plastic bags waft past my car
I hit one dead on

Beg, Steal, or Borrow

2011-11-02T17:44:00.000-04:00

Question: How much candy can I remove from S & N's stash before they start noticing?

song: Beg, Steal, or Borrow • artist: Ray Lamontagne

Round Here

2011-10-31T21:10:00.000-04:00

And now for the counting the sorting of the Halloween candy.
A time-honored holiday tradition.

song: Round Here • artist: Counting Crows

Be Good Johnny

2011-10-29T19:16:00.000-04:00

You never know how much you use your saucepan until you let your six year old use it as part of his Johnny Appleseed Halloween costume.

song: Be Good Johnny • artist: Men At Work

No Time

2011-10-27T13:30:00.001-04:00

My kids were the only ones at the Halloween party on Sunday not wearing store-bought costumes.
The only ones.
When I was a kid we felt sorry for the kids with store bought costumes. Now I feel like cheap-skate mom. Surely if I loved my children I would spend my money on them and not my time.

song: No Time • artist: The Guess Who

The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead

2011-10-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

Between the squirrels who keep eating them, and the three year olds who want to keep carving and scooping them, our pumpkins don't stand a chance of making it to Halloween.

song: The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead • artist: XTC