Pinch Me

I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"

I can't believe it! The Barenaked Ladies stole my son's line!

song: Pinch Me • artist: Barenaked Ladies

Let's Just Kiss And Say Goodbye

It's funny when you tip toe into your sons' bedroom at night and try to put their wastepaper basket back in its proper place except you drop it (twice!) and then you turn off the lullaby CD that, for some reason, has decided to go into endless loop mode (House at Pooh Corner again?). Next you try to switch the nightlight from power save mode to "on" so you can turn off the closet light but you drop the nightlight, which is a large clunky thing and then you start laughing -because how can you not be waking them up? And all the while you are brushing your teeth with your electric toothbrush because multitasking is the name of the game, baby.
And what was with that couple up at the top of Highfield Drive yesterday? The one making out for what seemed like hours on end? An ordinary middle-aged couple, not teenagers who can be forgiven for dubiously placed public displays of affection at least by those who remember their own indiscretions.
I could see if they were at the bottom of the hill - at the bus depot, but up by the trail head?
What's that all about?
"I'll miss you so much while you walk the dog?"
Just walk him already!

song: Let's Just Kiss And Say Goodbye • artist: The Manhattans

I Write the Book

I think I'll title my memoir, "Why Is There Half A Banana Under The Coffee Table? And Other Nonsensical Things That Mothers Say."

song: I Write the Book • Elvis Costello

Digging in the Dirt

song: Digging in the Dirt • artist: Peter Gabriel

Green Green Grass of Home

Someone has mowed the beach grass outside the windows at work. That creepy beach grass that's growing in a perfect pattern, like some sort of enormous hair weave.
It's strange because I've never seen anyone mow the beach grass that grows – at the beach.
I thought the whole point of xeriscaping was that it required no maintenance.
I'll tell you what's low maintenance - the brush (if you lived in England you might call it a thicket) that was outside our office windows before some landscape company decided to butt in, do the town a favor, and "beautify" it.
Not only was the brush maintenance free, it was diverse; it attracted birds and butterflies. The only thing misplaced beach grass attracts is the occasional empty Poland Spring bottle.
And while I'm on the subject of inane human interventions - how about them osprey? I like how we humans are all slapping ourselves on the back over the helping hand we've extended in their spectacular recovery from the brink of extinction. Of course if we hadn't poisoned their food supply and chopped down the big dead trees they liked to nest in perhaps they wouldn't have been endangered to begin with.
So yes, we banned DDT and put up platforms; but it's a bit like throwing a man overboard and then tossing him a life jacket.
The least we could do under the circumstances.

song: Green Green Grass of Home • artist: Curly Putnam

I'll Never Find Another You

Who needs to search for Easter eggs when at my house we have find-the-lost sippy cups (before they get rancid) hunts every morning?

song: I'll Never Find Another You • artist: The Seekers

c is for cookie (and everything else I eat)

a list poem by s and n.

cookie! \ku -ke\: noun - 1. cookie 2. cup cake 3. English muffin 4. foil-wrapped chocolate Easter eggs 5. granola bars 6. a banana

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

Is it ironic or uncreative that the local coffee shop tunes its satellite radio to channel 30 - The Coffee Shop?
I'm leaning towards uncreative.
Good thing they have Gene playing live music on Saturdays.

song: Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop • artist: Landon Pigg

Casey Jones

A little something for opening day.
In case you can't tell, he's wearing his baseball pajamas.

song: Casey Jones • artist: Grateful Dead

Cherokee People

First I thought it was inappropriate that H was standing on top of rocks in the yard throwing bamboo "harpoons" at white whales only he could see. Aren't we supposed to be saving whales?
Then I was worried that our read aloud book, The Indian in the Cupboard was possibly setting my kids back light years in their understanding of Native Americans.
"Why does the Indian talk funny, Mommy?"
"Because English isn't his first language Honey."
"What's scalping?"
"Ask your dad."
But I know it's politically incorrect to take the fashioned-into-a-cross Palm Sunday frond and use it as a pretend gun.

song: Cherokee People • artist: Paul Revere and the Raiders

Fool In The Rain

As if it's not enough that we have to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, the first day of spring, April Fools' Day, and Easter all in the span of two weeks - today is Crazy Hat day at preschool as well.
All these holidays are getting confusing. Was it the Easter Bunny who put jello into the juice cups this morning and tried to pass it off as cran-grape?
Yesterday the twins dragged a dirty diaper out of the trash, smeared poop across the bathroom floor, and deposited the diaper in the toilet. Or was it, as H suggested, leprechauns?

song: Fool in the Rain • artist: Led Zeppelin

the break up (a senryu)

Baby I think you stink
Nothing personal dear, but
It's time for a change

Look Out Any Window

The cutest thing said (so far) today by H:
"Look, Mommy, a little puppy just passed by. And it was with its grown up."

song: Look Out Any Window • artist: Bruce Hornsby & The Range

Thick As A Brick

Tonight I finished making enough orange juice carton wallets for C to give one to everybody in his class. That, coupled with finishing Harry Potter, might just be my crowing achievements for 2010.
On a less stellar note, I screwed up making chocolate pudding.
Imagine my surprise, having fished the cardboard box out of the recycling when the pudding failed to set after two hours in the fridge, when I read that the pudding must be cooked "over a medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture comes to a full bubbling boil."
Who ever heard of heating up pudding?
You don't heat pudding. You just mix in the milk and stick it in the fridge.
That's what makes pudding so superior to Jello.
So I took my circa 1970s Tupperware pudding bowls out of the fridge, dumped my watery pudding back into the mixing bowl and stuck my poor excuse for pudding into the microwave, because I was dammed if I was going to waste two cups of milk or be made a fool of by a box pudding mix. At one point in the pouring a pudding bowl fell directly into the mixing bowl, splattering me with pudding which I guess I deserved for not having read the directions in the first place.
For the record, I make spanakopita for dinner. Spanakopita!

song: Thick As A Brick • artist: Jethro Tull

Gasoline Ally

Now that I am bereft of reading material my son suggested I read Captain Underpants.
I told him I'd pass – Gas that is!
Who says moms can't be funny?

song: Gasoline Ally • artist: Rod Stewart

End of the Line

Finished Harry Potter!
halle-horcrux-lujah.

song: End of the Line • artist: Travelling Wilburys

You Took The Words Right Outta My Mouth

"A boy loses his parents, discovers he has magical powers, goes to a school that teaches magic, makes a best friend and an arch enemy, and battles the forces of evil as he grows up."
Sound familiar?
It's the plot to the book Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula LeGuin. Circa 1968.

song: You Took The Words Right Outta My Mouth • artist: Meatloaf

Almost Blue

Now H tells me that the way to know if a leprechaun has been using your bathroom is to look in the toilet bowl and see if the water is green. Apparently leprechauns, like four year olds, can't remember to flush.
That doesn't explain who's been using the bathroom at the little library. I was there yesterday and the water was blue.

song: Almost Blue • artist: Elvis Costello

Disorder in the House

Leprechauns, according to H, get into your house and mess things up.
"Have any leprechauns been to our house, Mommy?"
"It's impossible to tell, Honey."

song: Disorder in the House • artist: Warren Zevon

Time

I've heard that MIT acceptance letters arrive at their destinations on Pi Day (3.14).
I can't see how that was possible this year given that yesterday was Sunday.
Unless they all arrived by owl post.

song: Time • artist: Hootie and the Blowfish

Take It Easy

H is having a real Moby Dick kind of week. In front of the library on Saturday he saw a white van and exclaimed: "Look Mommy, that white car looks just like Moby Dick!"
For my part, I barely made it through my 15 minutes of Melville yesterday, while C read his bit and coerced Ken into taking him back down to the library at midnight to have another listen.
Moby Dick is a bit like Harry Potter in that in HP book 4 it takes the opening 100 pages just for Ron, Harry, and Hermoine to get back to Hogwarts. One hundred pages into Moby Dick and the Pequod still hasn't left the dock. What the heck are they doing? Attending the Whaling World Cup?
I for one was glad to get back to my less-challenging reads.
Call me ignoramus.

song: Take it Easy • artist: The Eagles

Mr. Spaceman

Forget everything you know about "my very excellent mother just sent us nine pizzas." C's latest library book about space informs us that there are two new planets in our solar system. This is in addition to the hundreds that have been identified outside our solar system. The new planets are Ceres and Eris. Eris is located somewhere out beyond Pluto and Ceres looks to be somewhere in the middle of the astroid belt. You do remember the astroid belt don't you?
I was much better when learning that Pluto had been demoted. Forgetting a planet is easy. Remembering two new ones? – next to impossible.
Wrap your aged, over-forty, brain around that.

song: Mr. Spaceman • artist: the Byrds

Out of Rice Krispies (a couplet)

Buy some more!
At the store!

Porcelain

This year's What's Falmouth Reading pick has resulted in a new game for H & C to play. One in which they climb to the top of the tallest rock in our backyard, someone yells "there's Moby Dick!" and they commence throwing their bamboo "harpoons."
H has also made this observation: "The difference between Moby Dick and Baby Beluga is that Baby Beluga is nice and Moby Dick is mean."
Of course no one is pitching harpoons at Baby Beluga. At least not in any of the verses we sing.

song: Porcelain • artist: Moby

Take the Money and Run

Dear Leprechaun,
Please leave yourself here so I can take care of you as a pet. If not just leave me two twenty dollar bills.
From C

It's leprechaun extortion!

song: Take the Money and Run • artist: Steve Miller Band

Puppy Love

In the paper's recent pet supplement we ran answers from local elementary school children to the statement: "my pet is special because..."
The answers ranged from the adorable (my turtle is smart and has good eye sight) to the super adorable (he's the one I tell all my secrets to) to the super duper adorable (this is the pet that helped make my life complete ... knowing that she's there makes me feel safe).
If this sampling is accurate, the number one reason kids think their pet is adorable is because the pet is either cute or cuddly. There are a lot of cute and cuddly pets out there. If you can believe it, some are both cute and cuddly. There are also many pets that are special because they are: "lovable," "nice," "awesome," "cool," "very, very cute," "very cuddly," "really cuddly," "really, really cuddly," "smart," "fun," "gentle," "small," "hyper," "friendly," "brave," "strong," "soft," "fluffy," "adorable," "protective," "mellow," and even because they are "still around."
I was surprised to see that in addition to cute and cuddly, one of the most popular reasons for a pet being special to a child is because "she is mine."
Ownership of a pet is important to children: "I've always wanted my own personal pet," "he is my first dog," "they are mine and I love them."
Interesting revelation. As an adult, I own a lot of stuff. If you were to pick up some object in my house and ask me what was special about it I might answer that it was a gift and therefore reminds me of the giver or that it was made by one of my children or painted by a friend. I can't imagine any item to which I would respond, "because it's mine." And yet there it is, the difference between why things are important to children verses why they are important to adults. We may like things because they remind us of other things, kids like things because they simply are.

song: Puppy Love • artist: Donny Osmond

Train in the Distance

"Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance"
even if it's just the trash train.

song: Train in the Distance • artist: Paul Simon

clerihew for Theodor Geisel

A very happy birthday to Dr. Seuss.
creator of Horton and Thidwick the Moose.
Yertle, the Grinch, and those two stubborn Zax.
Bartholomew Cubbins, the Once-ler, and the Lorax.

She Blinded Me With Science

In all my years at FHS and those that followed, I never attended a science fair, but all that changed on Saturday when C and I brought his raisons-bobbing-in-a-glass-of-soda experiment into the field house (which looks suspiciously unchanged despite years of renovations).
I was hoping to run into a former science teacher or two so they might know that even though I was a hopeless science loser, my son isn't. Alas they must all be doddering about at some retirement community sputtering random science questions like, "can anyone tell me why the atoms in this scrunched up paper don't pass directly through the atoms in that wall?" and never again having to hear the stoner in the back of the class ask, every time a new element is introduced, "can you smoke it?"
At my house we don't drink soda so buying some for our experiment was an experience in and of itself. I realized that you can hardly find 12oz sodas sold individually at convenience stores. Apparently it's more "convenient" to sell 18oz cans. One afternoon I was in line at the North Falmouth Superette with one can of Coke, one can of Pepsi, and one can of Dr. Pepper. The mother and daughter in line in front of me were each buying a bottled water. I felt like the worst bad example. I might as well have been buying three cartons of cigarettes. I tried to save some moral ground by refusing a plastic bag and carrying my sugary booty to the car myself. I resisted the urge to announce to the cashier, "it's for a science experiment."
Surely they've heard that one before.

song: She Blinded Me With Science • artist: Thomas Dolby

In Your Eyes II

You gotta love advertising.
Is this woman seriously wearing a balaclava - and nothing else?

song: In Your Eyes • artist: Peter Gabriel

Get It On (Bang A Gong)

Am I fostering a love of music in C when I let him bang on pots, pans, beer cans and soda bottles and call it improvisational jazz?
Or am I just giving myself a headache?

song: Get It On (Bang A Gong) • artist: T. Rex

It's A Miracle

Today all the socks that were hanging to dry in the laundry room matched up to a mate when I folded them.

song: It's A Miracle • artist: Barry Manilow

Would I Lie To You?

How low can you go? I recently told C there were no copies of the final Harry Potter book in the library in order to stall him while I tried desperately to catch up in my reading (I'm on book 5).
The library really had four copies!

song: Would I Lie To You? • artist: Eurythmics

Crazy for You

"Children! Children!" Mrs. Banks was wringing her hands in despair.
"Be quiet or I shall Go Mad!"
There was silence for a moment as they stared at her with interest.
Would she really? They wondered.
And what would she be like if she did?

-Mary Poppins Comes Back, P.L. Travers

song: Crazy for You • artist: Madonna

You Don't Mess Around With Jim

A Valentine Card:
No doubt Ms. B is a "great" teacher to all the students in physical education class - not just "Jim."

song: You Don't Mess Around With Jim • artist: Jim Croce

Pour Some Sugar On Me

The real reason toddlers have so much energy.

song: Pour Some Sugar On Me • artist: Def Leppard

99 Red Balloons

Balloon animals. No one told me balloon animals came with the job. Tonight I had to make balloon animals. Well - only one animal - a dog - and it broke on the final twist but it was only my first attempt and but maybe it's because I was tired after helping to make all those valentines.
Valentine's I knew were in the job description.

song: 99 Red Balloons • artist: Nena

I've Just Seen A Face

Facebook statuses I haven't gotten around to posting:
Joanne ... thinks this snow day is overrated.
Joanne ... wishes that picking up toys would burn more calories.
Joanne ... needs a house elf.
Joanne ... sewed a button back on her barn jacket.
Joanne ... likes Elaine.
Joanne ... doesn't know how to use the prompt for next week's writing group.
Joanne ... hopes Hadley Fried feels better.
Joanne ... thinks the world doesn't need any new releases from Jimi Hendrix.

song: I've Just Seen A Face • artist: The Beatles

Change in the Weather

Wouldn't you think, that if they were going to cancel school, there might at least be a little snow on the ground to send my children out to play in?

song: Change in the Weather • artist: John Fogerty

Instant Karma

Let me get this straight: Dementors suck away all your happiness, cause depression, leave you in despair, and, if exposed to one long enough, can render you insane?
So Dementors are like my kids.
C and I enjoyed the Harry Potter exhibition at the Museum of Science. I feel like some sort of groupie - what to they call Harry Potter groupies anyway? Potheads?
The exhibition had all sorts of groovy stuff from the movies: the triwizard cup, Hagrid's hut, Voldemort's clothes, mandrakes, giant chess pieces, the sorcerer's stone, and Dumbledore's wand.
The only thing that wasn't so groovy was that the exhibit exited through the inevitable special gift shop, teeming with overpriced "official" Harry Potter merchandise which you can buy cheaper on Amazon.
Thankfully C, sensing that I wasn't going to spend more than $20 on souvenirs, picked out a modest pair of Harry Potter eyeglasses packaged with a replica of Harry's wand.
Back in our day we would have described Harry Potter eyeglasses as John Lennon glasses.

song: Instant Karma • artist: John Lennon

I Missed Again

Some days I can stand one foot away from the trash can with a dirty diaper and miss tossing it in - three times.
Those are bad days.

song: I Missed Again • artist: Phil Collins

Let It Ride

It was perched towards the front of a cloth covered seat on the inbound Red line subway train: the remains of a previous commuter's ham and cheese croissant. One by one the seats on the train filled up until only the sandwich-laden seat remained. As people boarded the crowded train you could see their eyes light up upon noticing the vacant seat. Then their eyes would scan down to the sandwich and cloud over. They would quickly move along.
Everyone seemed to be waiting for someone to move the sandwich. Who would do it? Apparently no one. It was still holding court when we arrived at Park Street. Not even the jarring of the cars going around a sharp corner could jolt the sandwich off the seat.
If the sandwich had been a newspaper no one would have thought twice about moving it, brushing it onto the floor, or even picking it up and reading it themselves. But the sandwich was like a lump of radioactive plutonium, no one was going near it. Everyone saw it but everyone pretended to ignore it.
It was the city version of the elephant in the room.
It was the culinary version of Charlie on the MTA.
It will ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston.
Or at least until the cleaning crew comes through.

song: Let It Ride • artist: Bachman, Turner, Overdrive

Strange Days

Go figure. C's read five out of seven Harry Potter books and yet he had to leave the living room every time the Winter Warlock came on screen during Saturday's airing of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
And if you are wondering why we are watching "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in late January, more than a month after Christmas, then you don't have preschool-aged children at home.
Yet despite the movie, H told me that I should take down the strings of mini Christmas lights that are hanging in the living room because "it's not Christmas anymore."
I told him they were valentine lights but he said they weren't because I put them up at Christmastime.
So let me get this straight:
Holiday movies in January?
OK.
Holiday lights in January?
not OK.
H also told me last week that it was his stuffed bunny's birthday and consequently I should make bunny some presents. So I carefully made two paper carrots out of orange and green colored paper and wrapped them in an envelope.
Then H told me bunny needed more presents so I wrapped up some ribbon and explained that bunny could wear it around her neck to look nice on her birthday. (It's a girl bunny).
Then I suggested H make bunny a birthday card to which he responded, "stuffed bunnies don't need birthday cards."
So let me get this straight:
Presents for stuffed bunnies?
OK
Birthday cards for stuffed bunnies?
not OK.

song: Strange Days • artist: The Doors

Old (II)

I'd say that you're only as old as you feel but only old people say stuff like that.

song: Old • artist: Paul Simon

Cute as a Bug

I wonder what the species of a favorite stuffed animal says about a child. S, and N are fans of the teddy bear - as was C. In fact "bear" is one of the few descernable words in the twin's so far limited, vocabulary.
H was and still is a stuffed doggie kind of guy.
It's really cute when the twins bite on the noses of the stuffed bears we call "Black Bear" and "Edward Bear." It doesn't sound cute but really - it's cute.
It's not as cute as when one twin knocks the other over and then the bruiser tries to cheer up his twin with some well-aimed pats on the head.
Or when one of their older brothers is crying the twins pull over the step stool so one of them can climb up on it in order to pat H or C on the head.
Or today when they both climbed on top of the changing table and emptied a full box of baby wipes onto the floor.
Or when you say, "give your brother a kiss and they both start chasing each other around making kissing noises.
But it's still cute.

song: Cute as a Bug • artist: Lyle Lovett

Back in Time

In case you were wondering I'm in the middle of Harry Potter book four. In the middle meaning page 363 out of 734. It takes a long time to read a book of such magnitude because for starters it's just too big to take anywhere. Not like you can just slip it in your purse on your way out the door in case there's a line at the post office. The book weighs a whopping three pounds. Sure, I might get it read faster if I carried it with me, looking for an opening, but I'd give myself scoliosis from hauling it about in my shoulder bag.
It doesn't have to be this way. The book doesn't need to be 700 pages long. Each book (at least so far) has covered one school year in the life of wizard-in-training Harry Potter, so why is year four twice as long as year three? It's not as if the calendar year has changed. The problem is that Ms. J. K. Rowling in her infinite inclusiveness feels the need to remind her readers constantly of what went on in books one, two, and three.
I may be jumping to conclusions here (which would get me in real trouble if we were still reading the Phantom Tollbooth) but I'm pretty sure that not many folks would pick up what they knew to be book four in a series of novels, especially a book four that's 700+ pages, without having read books one, two, and three. And even on the off chance you haven't read the other three books, is there anyone out there who doesn't know that Harry Potter is a boy wizard? That his parents were killed by the evil Lord don't-say-his-name when Harry was a baby and that Harry lived with his horrid aunt, uncle, and cousin until his 11th birthday at which time he got whisked off to Hogwarts, England's special school for aspiring young witches and wizards?
Enough already. Stop repeatedly telling us how to reach platform 9 and three quarters, describing Harry's scar, going over the rules of quidditch, defining muggle and mudblood, and explaining how the sorting hat works as if we were the incoming class of first year students.
J.R.R. Tolkien didn't spend any time in The Two Towers describing what a hobbit is or why Frodo was dragging some ring all around middle earth.
Of course that's probably because the Lord of the Rings trilogy was initially written as one book but still, you get my point.
Even C noticed.
"Mommy, I'm on page 100 and Harry isn't even back to school yet!"
And on an unrelated, but no less irritating note, why do house elves talk just like Roald Dahl's BFG?
"I is not liking heights at all Harry Potter." That sounds just like the BFG. Pretty soon they'll be whipping up snozzcumbers in the school kitchen and serving them at the Halloween feast.
Woah. I've got to start reading more adult fiction.

song: Back in Time • artist: Huey Lewis and the News

Look Away

What is it about little boys not being able to tear themselves away from screens of any type be they computer, television, iPhone or the GPS? We're at the aquarium on Saturday - surrounded by penguins and sharks and seals and those cool black lights that make your white clothes glow - and H almost gets in a fist fight with another four-year-old boy over some interactive computer screen that neither of them were old enough to read and operate properly.
He was so engrossed in it he completely missed my I-didn't-drive-all-the-way-to-Quincy-and-switch-subways-three-times-to-get-here-so-you-could-watch-television speech

song: Look Away • artist: Chicago

Days Aren't Long Enough

What a whirlwind of a day. First a trip to the Centerville Library, followed by a coffee date with Alison (I've eaten six of those Oreos!), supervising an after school playdate with C and Timmy, and an assault prevention workshop at preschool.
I don't usually see this much action in an entire month.

song: Days Aren't Long Enough • artist: Steve Earle

Jump III

How to keep your kids from jumping on their beds and on the living room couch. Three words: futons, futons, futons. Not just for dorm rooms anymore.

song: Jump • artist: Van Halen

Baby Beluga

Getting ready for tomorrow's trip to Mystic Aquarium.

song: Baby Beluga • artist: Raffi

Over and Over

Beware of four year olds who ask, "Knock, Knock"
They are about to make up a really unfunny joke.
And tell it to you ten times.

song: Over and Over • artist: The Dave Clark Five

Land Down Under

Beware of seven year olds who ask "what are you doing under there?"
They are trying to make you say "under where?" (underwear), and will laugh like little hyenas if you do.
Personally I think skivvies is a much funnier word.

song: Land Down Under • artist: Men At Work

When In Rome

Bad news! Besty's Diner has aligned itself with The Chart Room in serving stuffed quahogs in those detestable cardboard containers shaped like quahog shells.
Et tu, Brute?

song: When in Rome • artist: Nickel Creek

Little By Little

Dear Ken,
You shrunk my white angora and lamb's wool skirt in the washing machine. Now I'm wearing it and looking like my grandmother because my slip keeps showing since the skirt is two inches shorter than it used to be. Why not get me a pair of baggy nylons so I can complete the outfit?
Love,
Joanne

song: Little by Little • artist: Robert Plant

Nick of Time II

Guess what? The build-your-own clock is finally together! And who put the build-your-own clock together? My husband Ken? The man with a degree in engineering? No. It was me, that's who.
There's nothing more frustrating than a box with the words "fun and educational for ages 6 and up" taunting you from under the Christmas tree. The estimated the assembly time listed on the box was 20 minutes. Make that two-and-a-half weeks and 20 minutes (it took 20 minutes just to figure out how to read the directions). But there now - it's done and ticking away in the dining room and will be, if the box is correct, for the next eight hours.
I rather like the ticking. When do you hear a clock tick anymore? It reminds me of the clock that used to hang in the dining room at my aunt's farmhouse in Maine. You wouldn't notice it during the day when people were talking and rustling newspapers, fussing over the big old-fashioned stove that filled half the room, or preparing or cleaning up from dinner. But at night when people were reading or doing jigsaw puzzles, the sound of the clock ticking permeated the room. When it chimed on the hour and half hour you could hear it all the way upstairs.
If we still had clocks around that ticked maybe we wouldn't need to leave radios, TVs, and computers on constantly. The ticking would provide all the background noise we needed to keep ourselves company in the absence of our beloved pet cat. I realized the other day that every random noise in the house I used to chalk up to the cat. Now the cat is gone and yet strangely, all the noises remain. Which means that perhaps she wasn't responsible for any of them and leaves me wondering - what is that? And that? And that??
With the clock ticking I can't hear any of those strange unsettling house noises. At least not for another eight hours.

song: Nick of Time • artist: Bonnie Raitt

Rock Lobster

Good news! Now it's even easier to own a Martha Briana original.

song: Rock Lobster • artist: B-52's

Who Says

Dear John,
I don't give a hoot whether you get stoned or not. Just stop singing about it in front of my kids.
Many thanks,
Joanne

song: Who Says • artist: John Mayer

Nick of Time

The fish bowl was successfully cleaned today for the first time. It was with much trepidation that I tackled the task, afraid of killing off our one remaining pet, especially after hearing about my sister's short-lived pet betta experiment which ended abruptly (and tragically) with the first bowl cleaning.
Actually T-Rex seems a little spunkier post bowl cleansing. Maybe I braved the cleaning just in the nick of time.

song: Nick of Time • artist: Bonnie Raitt

The Bed's Too Big Without You

Thanks everyone who e-mailed condolences about the cat. She had a good life for a cat - she lazed around in a lot of sunny spots, caught the occasional mouse, enjoyed chasing flashlights, and always got the milk at the bottom of my bowl of cereal. Even with four kids in it the house feels empty without her.
A friend commented on the cat's lifelong bladder control issues which reminded me of what was perhaps her most impressive stunt - peeing on the bed of the one person who had the audacity to not like her. E thought it was tea stains. Tea stains!
Score one for the cat.
H, who has a closet full of stuffed doggies, all named Silo, thinks we should get a new cat - and name it Rufus.

song: The Bed's Too Big Without You • artist: The Police

Sunshine

song: Sunshine • artist: Jonathan Edwards

New Year's Day

I already know how it's going to be - S.S.D.D. (same sh*t different decade)

song: New Year's Day • artist: U2

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

H: Why do they call them cowboys? Don't they ride horses?

song: Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? • artist: Paula Cole

Lovesong

Dear Martha,
I read online that apple cider vinegar will cure my sinus congestion.
Apple cider vinegar cures everything!
Arrrrr.
Joanne

song: Lovesong • artist: The Cure

Everybody Knows

I just want to point out that's an organic carrot from Amber Waves.
Only the best for our snowmen.

song: Everybody Knows • artist: Ryan Adams

Don't Stop the Music

In as much as I hate hearing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, before December 1 to be exact, I have to confess to being sad when it ends abruptly on Christmas Day. It's as if the plug is pulled just when things are starting to get relevant.
As a kid I remember WCIB ended its Christmas music at noon on December 25. For those of us who had to wait for our dads to get home from church before opening presents (yes, we walked a mile to school, manually changed television channels and waited 'til practically lunch time to open presents), we would just be getting down to gift unwrapping and according to the radio - it was all over.
Things have gotten better in recent years. WMVY used to play holiday music until 3PM - then 6PM - and I was pleasantly surprised tonight to find them going all the way through 10PM and then after 10, instead of quitting cold turkey, continuing to sprinkle in the occasional "Go Tell In On The Mountain" between continuous airing of that new Norah Jones song.
I would go so far as to say they should continue playing holiday music right up until New Years. Not 24/7 mind you, just pepper them throughout the broadcast. There are a few New Year's tunes that are uniquely appropriate for that time slot. Radio stations often treat Dan Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne" as if it's a Christmas song, but when else can we hear Barry Manilow crooning "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?"

song: Don't Stop the Music • artist: Yarbrough and Peoples

Fat Man in the Bathtub

The hype is over.
It's time for the fat man to deliver.

song: Fat Man in the Bathtub • artist: Little Feat

You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

I can't decide if H knows what Christmas Eve means, or if he's going to be profoundly disappointed when he wakes up tomorrow to no presents under the tree. This seems to be another failing of the Advent Calendar. Why stop a day early? Why not tick off the days right up to the 25th? Stopping short seems to be a bit of a tease.
Luckily our bedroom is so messy that I can pretty much hide presents right out in the open by just throwing a few choice not-yet-stored-in-the-attic summer clothes on top of them. I don't know why I'm going through such an effort to hide presents and all evidence of presents though. H has no doubt that all gifts come from Santa, which, if there are any six year olds reading this post - is exactly where they come from.

song: You've Got To Hide Your Love Away • artist: The Beatles

Santa Claus (a poem by H)

Santa Claus lives in the North Pole
And we know him
And I love him
And I went to the North Pole
And Mrs. Claus
And Mrs. Claus
Santa loves Mrs. Claus

Fortunate Son

An uplifting sentence:
"It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor."
-Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A depressing horoscope:
"Make your own choices but don't do so without thinking matters through carefully. You can do something that you enjoy or you can continue down the same old path that leads nowhere. Set your goals and stick to them and help will be offered."
December 21, Aquarius

song: Fortunate Son • artist: Creedence Clearwater Revival

White Christmas

Be careful of what you wish for.
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, As Soon As My Flight Leaves"
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, After I Finish Shopping"
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, But Not Here"
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, Two-To-Four Inches Tops"
"I'm Dreaming Of Light Dusting"
"I Said Dreaming!"
"I'm Dreaming That This Driveway is Already Plowed"

song: White Christmas • artist: Irving Berlin

Sometimes in Winter

Who really shoveled the driveway?

song: Sometimes in Winter • artist: Blood, Sweat & Tears

Stormy Weather II

And Ken isn't getting his new scarf early either. Dammit.

song: Stormy Weather • artist: Billie Holiday

Stormy Weather

I don't care if we do get a blizzard this weekend. H & C aren't getting their snow-related gifts until Christmas Day.

song: Stormy Weather • artist: Billie Holiday

Eye of the Tiger

It's been my experience that children become vested, to the point of obsession, with the place mat drawings they create at restaurants. My own kids, who I can never get interested in coloring at home, despite repeated efforts, reach out and grab at those crayons like drowning men grasping for life rings as soon as the waitress puts them on the table.
And where do restaurants purchase their crayons anyway? Some kind of crayon bargain basement? Tonight the kids got six crayons between them, two shades of green, one yellow (that looked a lot like green), one tan and two blacks. With no blue, no red, no purple and no orange, it's a wonder they could draw anything - but I digress.
C and H were coloring with the intensity of Gericault holed up in his studio working on "The Raft of the Medusa." Both kids folded up masterpieces before dinner arrived as they - heaven forbid - didn't want to dirty them up. After we were done eating H even pulled his drawing out again and started back in working on it.
But as captivated as they are with those drawings at the restaurant, they always end up left in the back seat of the car when we arrive home; my children having forgotten about them as quickly as, say, celebrities and politicians forget their wedding vows.

song: Eye of the Tiger • artist: Survivor

The mommy verses the seven year old: Bedtime Readers

Book one complete was quite a feat
While he's already to explore
Harry Potter number four

Can't Buy Me Love

The Elks club held its annual holiday party over the weekend. On the same day, as it turns out, as yet another birthday party of one of C's classmate's. When I brought up the conflict I was anticipating an objection followed by me having to explain that he'd already told his grandparents he would go to the Elks party and that he really shouldn't let Nana and Papa down.
Surprisingly, he readily agreed to go to the Christmas party. Perhaps he figured that he had more of a chance of making the event if he went with his grandparents since they have a better track record for successfully arriving at planned events than I do. If I couldn't get a bowling ally correct, what chance did I have of finding the right movie theater?
As it turns out his rational was much simpler than that. At his friend's party, it was his friend who would be on the receiving end of the gifts; at the Christmas party, he'd be getting a present. No contest.
Prior to the big shindig I was instructed by my parents to secretly purchase two presents. This was something new. When I was a kid and we went to the Elks Christmas Party I know that the Elks themselves supplied the presents because everyone in the same age group received the same present. But times have changed and we're in a recession, despite what the government says, and the Elks are saving all their money for scholarships, so fine, I can live with supplying the presents. At least they will be getting mommy-approved gifts.
I was surprised though that they didn't recommend a price limit because what happens when my kid unwraps his Mr. Potatohead and the kid next to him gets a Wii?

song: Can't Buy Me Love • artist: The Beatles

Backwards Down the Number Line II

Every time a birthday comes
Call your friend and sing a song
Or whisper it in to his ears
Or write it down just don't miss a year.

song: Backwards Down The Number Line • artist: Phish

Blinded by the Light

Twins means twice as many chances for a toddler to poop in the bathtub - but at my house it seems like the odds are significantly higher.
And speaking of, what were they thinking when they wrote Santa Claus is Coming to Town? "Curly head dolls that toddle and coo?" No child is going to let that go by without pointing out that it sounds an awful lot like toddle and poo - and it does.
It's the "revved up like a deuce" of holiday classics.

song: Blinded by the Light • artist: Manfred Mann

Backwards Down the Number Line

Now here's an idea. Instead of opening advent calendar doors starting with door number one and working up to door #24, it would be advantageous to begin with door #24 and work down to door #1 thus answering the preschooler's burning question, "how many days until Christmas?"

song: Backwards Down the Number Line • artist: Phish

Right Place Wrong Time

Dear Miss Lori,
I really wanted to sign C up for the felting class at the museum on Sunday. We were all ready to but then he was invited to a birthday party on the same day, at the same time. I had a meeting at 4PM and the party started at 3. Ken was working so I devised a plan whereby I would drop off C at the party and then take children numbers 2, 3, and 4 to the Mullen Hall playground where Ken, when he got off work, would meet us and exchange cars so he could pick up C after the party and drive everyone home while I went to the office.
We arrived at the bowling ally a few minutes before 3, did I mention that's where the party was? I locked children numbers 2, 3, and 4 in the car and walked C in. Surprisingly we were the first people there so I asked the man behind the shoe rental counter if there was a party for Nora. "The party's at 3:30" he said.
I hustled C back out to the car, skillfully avoiding the arcade on the way out.
After backing the car to the other side of the town hall parking lot I let C and H out so they could climb on the big anchor.
"Look at me! Look at me!" C kept yelling.
If you've seen one kid climb an iron anchor, you've seen them all. But I looked.
Then I called Ken and revised the plan. "Just meet me in the parking lot at town hall."
At 3:30 we went back in but there were still no guests and strangely, no birthday girl, just a deserted decorated room filled with a long table set with paper party plates and child-sized chairs.
The man shrugged. I positioned myself in the doorway where I could see both C, inside the bowling alley, and the locked van containing the rest of my family.
Minutes ticked by. C decided he wanted to wait back in the car. As Ken was pulling into the parking lot the man came out and approached us.
"What was that name you said?"
"Nora." I answered.
"That's not the name I have."
At this point I was about to be late for my own appointment, C may or may not be late for a birthday party that may or may not exist, I filled Ken in on the details.
"Maybe the party is at the other ally." said the bowling ally attendant. I was surprised, given his own empty party room, that he was still worried about our problems. Apparently he wasn't aware I was a mother who was developing a reputation for getting birthday parties wrong. Remember Logan's party, which I brought my son to on the wrong day? He cried right there in Logan's grandfather's living room and went away with a plastic army hat party favor. Why did I not grab the party invite on my way out the door? I am so not qualified to be a parent.
Instead I thought, We live in a town that supports two bowling allies? Incredible.
I threw Ken the keys and left in the truck.
He called 20-minutes later to say he'd struck out, metaphorically speaking, and was heading home. Another 20-minutes and he called to report that the party, now over, had taken place at Ryan Family Amusements in Buzzards Bay.
Who would have thought the party was at the bowling ally on the other side of the bride? Anyone who'd read the invitation, that's who.
And that is why, Miss Lori, that C wasn't able to be at the felting workshop.
Maybe next year.

song: Right Place Wrong Time • artist: Dr. John

How High's The Water Mama?

Winter storm with full moon and high tide, West Falmouth

song: How High's The Water Mama? • artist: Johnny Cash

My Brilliant Mistake

Whatever was I thinking when I bought these Playmobil advent calendars?
One-hundred and eight pieces to assemble?
Great! I'll take two!

song: My Brilliant Mistake • artist: Elvis Costello

The Nightmare Before Christmas

On the first day after Thanksgiving, my library book [Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus] gave to me - one nasty paper cut.
On the second day after Thanksgiving, my mailbox gave to me - two holiday cards from over-achieveing friends and relations.
On the third day after Thanksgiving, my dinner gave to me - painful stinging when I accidentally rubbed hot pepper juice onto the paper cut. Ow!
On the fourth day after Thanksgiving, cheap holiday lighting gave to me, two out of three strands that only light halfway.
On the fifth day after Thanksgiving, Playmobil gave to me, two advent calendars that required considerable assembly; a fatal flaw I discovered after having already presented them to H & C.

movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas • director: Tim Burton

Fly Like An Eagle

If Benjamin Franklin had gotten his way, turkeys would grace the back of one dollar bills and I would be stressing about many hours to cook the eagle for.

song: Fly Like An Eagle • artist: Steve Miller Band

I Go To Sleep II

If my kids can't fall asleep on the night before Thanksgiving, what hope is there for Christmas Eve?

song: I Go To Sleep (II) • artist: The Pretenders

Young American

What's cuter, your first grader getting off the bus sporting his construction-paper Pilgrim hat, or your preschooler dressed in his paper bag Native American costume at Nail Soup Day?
I think it would be politically incorrect to choose.

song: Young American • artist: David Bowie

I Go To Sleep

My son just complained that he can't go to sleep because he's "too bored."

song: I Go To Sleep • artist: The Pretenders

Star Wars

Star Wars is everywhere. You would think I'd have noticed before now.
Some of his little friends had seen the movie so C wanted to follow suit. The library rents it so we procured a copy. He planted himself determinately on the couch last Saturday night and watched it.
It was then that I finally saw the light. Lightsaber that is. I'd seen the LEGOs, sure, and the pop-up book at the little library, but it didn't sink in until Sunday when I heard an interview with Carrie Fisher on NPR which featured a Star Wars clip, one I could have recited verbatim, having just heard it the previous night ("well somebody has to save our skins!") On Monday I read that Symphony Hall had just held a Star Wars night featuring music from the series accompanied by movie clips. I made a mental note in the Davis Square bookstore that the children's corner had a number of Clone War graphic novels, the same books that were being readily scooped by seven-year-old boys two days later at the North Falmouth Elementary School's book fair.
The same night the book fair featured author T.M. Murphy who described a character in one of his novels as wearing "the same Star Wars shirt every day."
On Friday Esther alerted us to the website MyLifeIsAverage.com where people post examples of average lives that are infinitely more interesting than mine (hint to site posters in high school and college, you don't know the meaning of having an average day). One poster revealed that the first time her boyfriend said he loved her was, "after I won an argument regarding whether or not Anakin Skywalker was the chosen one."
It's hard to believe that a campy movie from the 70s and the many sequels and prequels it's spawned is truly the diabolical force controlling our every move. But the facts are irrefutable.
If only the force would stop by and cook dinner and I could exercise a little Obi Wan-like mind control over my children.

song: Star Wars • artist: John Williams

Here Comes Santa Claus

The Factory Outlet Mall in Sagamore has became a cavernous wasteland of empty storefronts. They should either require the remaining stories to huddle together in the middle of the mall or move that second entrance down to where the rest of the stores are.
Heard my first Christmas song on the radio yesterday. It would have been better if it had been the Elvis version.

song: Here Comes Santa Claus • artist: Gene Autry & Oakley Haldman

Love Bites II

As if swine flu weren't enough to worry about. Yesterday I picked two deer ticks off of S and C got bit by a mouse.

song: Love Bites • artist: Def Leppard

Yes I'm Ready

If I'm going to visit Liz tomorrow and Ken is staying home to play Mr. Mom, shouldn't he rightfully be packing the lunches tonight?

song: Yes I'm Ready • artist: KC and the Sunshine Band

Goin' Out of My Head

H is doing that thing that C did. That thing with the letters where you string them together randomly and then torture your mother by asking her, "what does that spell?"
As in, "what does phqtn spell?"
I remind him that most words have vowels. And then I remind him of what a vowel is. Then he rephrases the question: "what does phqtne spell?" This continued line of questioning by two out of my four children has caused me to realize that even though there are thousands of words, most arbitrary letter combinations will not result in spelling any of them.
Then, even though I tell him it doesn't spell a word, I still have to pronounce it because it spells something, so now I have to figure out what phqtne sounds like.
For H I'm trying a new tactic. I've begun saying, "I don't think phqtne spells anything, but "pen" spells pen." I figure this way I'm not squelching his creativity with my own negativity, and, he might learn a few real words in the process.

song: Goin' Out of My Head • artist: The Lettermen

It's The End of the World As We Know It

Say it isn't so. John Cusack starring in a big budget, over the top, special effects ridden apocalyptic extravaganza opening on Friday the 13th.
Wasn't Bruce Willis available?
Maybe it IS armageddon.

song: It's The End of the World As We Know It • artist: REM

Delirious

A 30-second news byte on channel 25 reported that the more children you have - the happier you are. By those standards I must be delirious.
In typical Fox news style there weren't any facts to back up this revelation as in who funded the study - maybe it was the Catholic church. Or Babies R Us. Who did they interview? If it was the sleep-deprived parents of newborns they would all be too tired to read a questionnaire properly.
And who are parents with children happier than? Convicts?
Speaking of insufficient data, that same night I saw a show called The 650lb Virgin which was not about a hippo or a giant panda but about a man who, up until radical surgery at age 32, had only gone on 12 dates. I don't know about you but I need more information about this as well. Was that 12 first dates, or one girlfriend that he went out with 12 times; because going on dates with a dozen different women doesn't seem too bad to me. I don't know that I've been on dates with 12 different men. Sometimes it's hard to know if you're even on a date - unless it was a computer match up. I guess what I'm saying is that if you're 500lbs overweight and still able to get 12 women to go out with you - that's pretty darn good.
But really what I'm saying is that I should quit watching late-night television.


song: Delirious • artist: Prince

Born to be Wild

N and S like to sit on the couch and lift up their shirts to flash their tummies.
They are very proud of their tummies. After they show me theirs, they want to see mine. Instead of peer pressure, you could say it's pair pressure. I usually oblige them with a quick flash. At that point I have to concede that I have the ugliest tummy on the couch even though they assure me it's not a competition. I can't help feeling like the whole episode is someday going to blow up in my face one night when I'm sitting alone channel surfing and I suddenly catch a of glimpse of my own exposed stomach on a late-night airing of "Moms Gone Wild."

song: Born to be Wild • artist: Steppenwolf

If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out

They, those elusive experts, admonish parents to have children sing their ABCs while washing their hands. In this way they will wash their hands long enough for it to do some good. The same rational goes for teeth brushing although I guess in the case of teeth brushing kids have to hum their ABCs or do what H does, which is to order his mother into the bathroom to sing them.
I'm never sure whether or not I'm suppose to add in the lines, "now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?" The experts don't specify.
Twice yesterday I observed H singings his ABCs while peeing. I guess he now figures that every bathroom activity requires an alphabet recitation.

song: If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out • artist: Cat Stevens

Candy-O

We've now instituted a candy buy back program at our house. Tonight I paid $2 for five Twizzlers, four Laffy Taffy, three Tootsie Rolls, three lollypops, two boxes of Dots, and one Milky Way, Hershey Bar, Three Musketeers, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
I know what I said about Laffy Taffy and Twizzlers. I wouldn't steal them from him when he wasn't looking but I'll pay him not to eat them.
He's laughing all the way to the bank.
In other culinary-related news. I don't know why I spent three days making pot stickers from scratch - my kids are just going to tell me they come from planet pot sticker stinky.

song: Candy-O • artist: The Cars

It's A Mistake

It wasn't the subject matter - I was upset about his misuse of the word "your."

song: It's A Mistake • artist: Men At Work

Afternoon Delight

Stomp rockets in flight.
Afternoon delight.

song: Afternoon Delight • artist: The Starland Vocal Band

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

On the one hand, haunted house operators seem genuinely sorry when a child starts crying mid-tour. On the other hand - isn't that the point? Seems haunted houses want to have their candy corn and eat it too. Haunted houses should employ at least one continuously crying child. There's no better advertisement. Nothing says scary to a kid than seeing one of their own reduced to tears.
Such was the case Friday night upon awaiting our turn to take the Night Watchman Tour at Falmouth's Museums on the Green. The four kids in our party were engaged in age appropriate noisemaking and merriment until the bawling child exited the building. After that a silence fell over the crowd. The kind of group hush usually only seen in summer when some poor kid's ice cream topples from its cone.
In other Halloween notes Gene blew the top off my cover by suggested to C that he guard his candy against pilfering by his parents. How could he bring this up? Until that moment the idea had never occurred to C and any discrepancies in the amount of his candy count would have been chalked up to younger siblings. Now the shadow of suspicion has been cast over me. Even Ken was about to help himself the other night and he's got willpower of steel.
Yes Virginia, parents eat their kid's Halloween candy. And we're not after your candy seconds either. No Wonka's Laffy Taffy. No Twizzlers, even in rainbow colors. Maybe Sweet Tarts. Definitely none of that crap that we gave out. We want the good stuff. Kit Kats, Twix, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Especially Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Parents indulge until their kids are able to accurately count, sort, and bar graph (practical math!) the loot. In other words, until the kids get old enough to notice. Then we start bargaining, begging, and bawling.

song: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark • artist: Robert Cray Band