Digging in the Dirt

End-of-the-season at Scusset Beach.

song: Digging in the Dirt • artist: Peter Gabriel

Taking Care of Business

I think I could be pretty creative and make all of those craft projects in Family Fun magazine if only I didn't have to take care of my kids at the same time.

song: Taking Care of Business • artist: Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Always the Last to Know

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #9

He who enters the mini-van last, cannot complain about which seat he gets.

song: Always the Last to Know • artist: Del Amitri

New World Man

song: New World Man • artist: Rush

Even Now

Even in the rain the parking lot at Storyland looked full.
Even in the rain the workers at Storyland were so nice.
Even in the rain we stayed until closing.

song: Even Now • artist: Barry Manilow

I Say A Little Prayer

We were excited to be asked to care for the praying mantis raised by the Little Sprouts gardening class after classes ended last month. It felt good to be recognized as the most bug-loving family in gardening class.

Getting to take the mantis home was like getting to take the classroom guinea pig home over Christmas vacation. Except that guinea pigs don't eat live insects or shed their skin.

Now, in addition to practicing the piano and doing his homework, C has to forage around outside everyday after school scouting out meals for the mantis.

Yesterday he yelled excitedly from the front yard, 

"I found a spotted salamander!" 

And I countered with, 

"the praying mantis can't eat that!"

The only problem is that as we are a bug-loving family, I can only feed bugs I don't like to the mantis and not surprisingly, there just aren't that many bugs, that I can easily find that I don't like.

I don't like houseflies. I don't like ticks. I don't like mosquitoes, or fruit flies, or pantry moths, or aphids, or striped cucumber beetles, or lily beetles, or those beetles that look like lady bugs but really aren't. I especially don't like earwigs.

Around my own house and yard though it's becoming hard to find these bugs. Mosquitoes I can find but they are had to catch and if you screw up dropping it into the mantis's jar, then you've got an escaped mosquito in the house. 

We've got plenty of pill bugs but I feel guilty about feeding them to the mantis, ditto for the cricket that we caught yesterday.

I even felt guilty about the big juicy ant I dropped in the other day. 

I felt even worse when it got caught in a spider web that was in the jar.

song: I Say A Little Prayer • artist: Aretha Franklin

Slow Hand

There must be 900 pencils in our house.
Four hundred and fifty of them have broken tips.
The other 450 have crappy erasers that don't work.

song: Slow Hand • artist The Pointer Sisters

Just One Look

You can choose to talk on your cell phone at the beach all you want but I will not shush my kids - no matter how many times you look over at us.

song: Just One Look • artist: Linda Ronstadt

Built to Last

Last Friday I was at Wal-Mart, dodging the go-cart people and feeling as if I was on the set of a live-action remake of Wall-E, on my way to the bedding department for a dust-mite cover for a new pillow. 

I get my pillow protector and get in line.

The woman in front of me has only a few items, one of which is a cast-iron skillet.

The cashier rings her up, bags everything but the skillet, then turns to the woman and says that it wouldn't make sense to put the skillet in a bag because the bag would break.

She offered up double bagging the skillet but even then she was dubious about the bags holding up.

The customer paused. She pondered these choices for a long time.

The cashier offered to put a sticker on the skillet - one that would say, "sold."

"No one will question you," she assured the woman. I felt that the cashier was sincerely pushing for the no-bag option.

Still the woman hesitated.

Finally she said, "I would feel more comfortable with a bag."

So the cashier bagged the skillet and told the woman to carry the skillet by its handle not by the bag's handle, which she did.

More comfortable? Really? "I'd be more comfortable putting my purchase in this toxic piece of non-biodegradable plastic." Really?

And I know I'll never reach a state of inner enlightenment if I can't stop judging people all the time but please - help me out here - if you don't want to be judged - don't take the unnecessary plastic bag! Don't do it. Just say no. 

I suppose it could have been worse. She could have been buying a Teflon frying pan.

song: Built to Last • artist: Grateful Dead

Marvelous Toy

If parents of little boys were completely honest when filling out their son's baby books, under the question "what is your favorite toy," they would all have to fill in "my penis."

song: Marvelous Toy • artist: Tom Paxton

You Can Leave Your Hat On

C asked me why signs entering stores say that shoes and shirts are required but not pants.
"It's coming," I told him. It's coming.

song: You Can Leave Your Hat On • artist: Tom Jones

Shelter from the Storm

Rec Center soccer started yesterday. H's team is called Storm. All the teams in his league have weather-related names. Well, most of them do. Cyclones, lightening, thunder, tornadoes, avalanche, etc., and then when the rec. dept. ran out of weather-themed names they threw in some solar system stuff (asteroids, stars, supernovas). Guess they figured it was all "up there."

For me, Storm just doesn't cut it. It's too general. Generic if you will. It's not scary - like cyclone or twister, you wouldn't want them bearing down on you. But storm. It's just a storm. It's puny and weak. Something that couldn't even work itself up into a hurricane. Maybe it's a light rain, a drizzle, a summer shower. 

And what about all the good weather-related names they forgot to use, like blizzard, squall, tempest, typhoon, monsoon, and the scariest one of all: tsunami.

I'm sure they're all busy down at the rec center but honestly, I think they could have tried harder. I'm just sayin'.

Now I'm stuck yelling "Go Storm!" for the next eight weeks and it sounds ridiculous.

Team Storm has the black t-shirt and socks. We were late getting to the field yesterday and all the other kids were off in a mid-field huddle by the time H was dressed and ready to go.

"Just follow the other black kids!" I yelled as he ran off.

Somehow that didn't sound good either.

song: Shelter from the Storm • Bob Dylan

Distant Early Warning

My kids I like to put to bed early; my garden, not so much.

song: Distant Early Warning • artist: Rush

Physical

A Facebook post from a friend extolled the virtues of MapMyRoute "a community that provides all the tools you need for an active lifestyle, including routes search, workout logging nutrition and training plans."
The poster said they'd biked 9.18 miles for the day.
Who needs MapMyRoute to bike 10 miles? All I need is one nine year old who wants to bike to school. For Mommy that makes 2.5 miles to school and 2.5 miles home in the morning and 2.5 miles to school and 2.5 miles home in the afternoon.
And just to raise the ante and keep it action packed, on the ride home we have to beat the afternoon bus lest H get taken back to school because no one was there to meet him at the bus stop.

song: Physical • artist: Olivia Newton-John

Dirty Laundry

Car seat covers seem to be designed and created under the illusion that they will never need to be removed. A few strategically located snaps or velcro between that five-point harness sure would make life easier.

song: Dirty Laundry • artist: Don Henley

Always the Last to Know

What strikes me most in remembering 9.11 is how long it took for the news to reach my coworker Gene and I.
We were in Rhode Island taking photographs for a book project and it had to be noontime when we crossed the Jamestown bridge and were told about the attacks by the toll collector.
It's hard to imagine that only 10 years ago two people traveling together for work could have been so "unplugged" that neither of us had cell phones, at least not ones that were on 24/7. We didn't stop anywhere with laptops or iPads to check e-mail or to upload the photos we'd been shooting.
We didn't even had the radio on.

song: Always the Last to Know • artist: Del Amitri

Searching for a Heart

Here's how you find out about improvements in your son's vocabulary. 

One night you are reading one of both twins favorite stories, "Going on a Bear Hunt," and N says, "I want go on bear hunt."

You say, "sure! we'll go on a bear hunt tomorrow!" Because you always say tomorrow when you mean some undetermined day in the future that's probably never.

The next morning N is up bright and early and the first words out of his mouth are: "today we go on bear hunt!"

When the heck did he learn what the word tomorrow means?

Guess what?

No bears (except for the stuffed one we brought with us) at Bourne Farm, in the cattle tuner, or on the paths behind the farm!

song: Searching for a Heart • artist: Warren Zevon

September

Can you hear it? A collective sigh of relieve from moms all over town as their children (finally!) get on the school bus.

song: September • artist: Earth Wind & Fire

American Pie

Big victory at the Truro Agricultural Fair yesterday.
The pie was no match for my kid.
My only prior experience with pie eating contests was watching the movie "Stand By Me."
Luckily this was nothing like that.

song: American Pie • artist: Don McLean

Why Can't You Behave?

Forget the terrible twos.
What about the tyrannical threes?

song: Why Can't You Behave? • artist: Cole Porther

What is Life?

Recently I finished reading "No Impact Man," which leaves me now with "No Book to Read" always a dilemma.
I have to confess that I checked out "No Impact Man" for the sole purpose of sport.
"No impact man indeed," I thought, how about "No Book Deal Man," or "No Good Gimmick Guy?" But like Graceland, after visiting I came away with new respect for Colin Beavan who seems sincere enough, even though I kept confusing his name and calling him Colin Beaver.
One comment though. There's a point in the book where No Impact Man's wife points out how the TV, the internet, magazines, the radio and even books are all distractions meant to keep us from thinking about our own lives and from bigger questions such as, "why are we here?" and "what's it all about?"
But in another chapter, or perhaps it's the same chapter, No Impact Man talks about his life sans TV, newspaper, and similar distractions. It's just what you think. Friends come over. Connections are made. People play charades.
Wait.
What?
Charades?
Isn't charades just another distraction? Albeit a non-electric one. Shouldn't Colin and his friends be sitting around discussing those big issues?
'Cause really. Have you ever played charades?
I hate charades.
It's an over rated parlor game to say the least and so are all those games which are just variations on charades.
I once had to play a charade-type of game with my college boyfriend and another couple. The game had my boyfriend drinking water out of the other woman's bellybutton and me having to sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Frankly it makes sitting around talking about the meaning of life look pretty good.
You know what is funny about meaning-of-life discussions?
I think that young adults don't really have them because at that stage life seems to stretch out endlessly in front of you and it's too overwhelming to think about and besides you're only at the beginning of the journey anyway.
Then you get to be in your 40s and you don't have meaning-of-life discussions because it would be too embarrassing to admit so far into the game that you don't know.

song: What is Life? • artist: George Harrison

Hurricane Haiku

hurricane gusts
scatters yard with sticks and leaves
blows summer away

Watch Your Step II

Wishful thinking.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Watch Your Step

Best caution signs ever.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Get Ready

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #8

Tis better to go out in one's pajamas, than not to go out at all.

song: Get Ready • artist: The Temptations

Blue Bayou

Doesn't anyone remember that we hated the Smurfs the first time around?

song: Blue Bayou • artist: Linda Ronstad

I Can't Drive 55

It's ironic to drive two hours to take your kids to Canobie Lake Park only to arrive and find that the first ride said children want to go on is the Canobie 500 (race cars), and that they are willing to stand in line for a half hour just to (you guessed it) ride in a car again.

song: I Can't Drive 55 • artist: Sammy Hagar

Against All Odds

We picked up our two new mice at the pet store today.
Even though the clerk asked them to send girl mice, it turned out there were boy mice in the shipment as well.
"I'm 95% sure they aren't pregnant." she said.
As far as I'm concerned those are not reassuring odds.

song: Against All Odds • artist: Phil Collins

Reunited

Have fun at the class reunion guys.
If only there were quarter-century superlatives.
I'd vote Rene and Hadley in as "Most Courageous."

song: Reunited • artist: Peaches and Herb

Call Me

Cell phones have rendered obsolete an entire genre of music - the telephone angst love song.

You know the type, either the love-sick caller can't reach his intended because she's not answering (Telephone Line, ELO); or the caller muses over his betrothed with the dispatcher, an employee from MA Bell who, though silent, acts the part of the good therapist (Operator, Jim Croce).

Nowadays not only do you not need a third party to connect you, there's little chance you'll get no answer when you call - at the very least you'll get voice mail.

Surely the outcome would have been different had Dr. Hook been able to talk to Sylvia directly instead of merely to her mother, and if that pesky operator wasn't repeatedly requesting nickels (Sylvia's Mother, Dr. Hook & the Medicine Man).

Then there's the peeping Tom of telephone songs, Wichita Lineman. Get off the line already!

Even the Beatles can't always get through (You Won't See Me).

But it's not as if there's no precedence for this in the music world. 

Witness: In Your Letter, Take A Letter Maria, Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself A Letter, and Please Mr. Postman.

song: Call Me • artist: Blondie

I Saw the Light

According to the Globe, a North Andover mom "wants to leave the earth a healthy place for her three children. But what good is a thriving planet ... if her kids are forced to live in a home lighted by bulbs that are energy efficient but ruin the look of the dining room chandelier...?"
To spare her kids from poor lighting, the mom is hoarding incandescent bulbs in anticipation of their scheduled "fade out" as it were.
Really? Are you kidding? F*ck the chandelier lady, you've got a planet to save!
What will you tell your three kids 20 years from now? "Sorry about the polar bears kids, but look, I've still got some lightbulbs from 2011. Nice shade of white don't you agree? Almost the same shade as a polar ... Oh never mind."
I know, there are some great reasons for wanting to hang on to traditional bulbs. How will kids spike their temperature on a thermometer in order to stay home sick on test day with only a 15-watt bulb? Whatever will they use to melt wax crayons on? Oh the humanity.
This is why we'll never be able to save the planet. Because even though we want to save the planet - and we really, really, want to save it - we just don't want to be inconvenienced in the process. Not one little you'll-have-to-pry-these-incandescents-from-my-cold-dead-hands bit. And saving the planet will be inconvenient. I guarantee it. First we will have to believe in climate change. We will have to drive less. We will have to commute more. There will be wind turbines to contend with. We will have to be accountable for the garbage we create (pay as you go may be here sooner than compact fluorescents) We will have to actually remember to bring all those reusable canvas bags into the supermarket instead of just smugly keeping them in our car. New Englanders won't be able to eat fresh strawberries in January. We'll need to stop buying yearly new wardrobes full of cheap clothing made in China and wear last years fashions instead.
Luckily, on account of the bad lighting, no one will notice.

song: I Saw the Light • artist: Todd Rundgren

Thank You for the Music

The gig.

song: Thank You for the Music • artist: Abba

Teach Your Children

Despite the MFA's written appeals and signage admonishing visitors not to take flash photography or video at the museum, people were flashes cameras and shooting video left and right at the Chihuly exhibit today.
Therefore it's no wonder non-members are still taking to the fields in droves at Coonamessett Farm.
Ignoring rules must be the American Way.

song: Teach Your Children • artist: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Tom, Dick or Harry

C and I saw the final Harry Potter movie today. It was my first time at the cinema pub in town.
I like the concept but it just seems disrespectful to chow down on buffalo wings while Harry is saving the world from the Dark Lord.

song: Tom, Dick or Harry • artist: Cole Porter

One for the Mockingbird

"You ain't fair" I said, you ain't fair." 
"You're real nice, Uncle Jack, an' I reckon I love you even after what you did, but you don't understand children much."...
"And why do I not understand children, Miss Jean Louise? Such conduct as yours requires little understanding. It was obstreperous, disorderly and abusive."
"You gonna give me a chance to tell you? I don't mean to sass you, I'm just tryin' to tell you."
Uncle Jack sat down on the bed. His eyebrows came together, and he peered up at me from under them. "Proceed," he said.
I took a deep breath. "Well, in the first place you never stopped to gimme a chance to tell you my side of it - you just lit right into me. When Jem an' I fuss Atticus doesn't ever just listen to Jem's side of it, he hears mine too, an' in the second place you told me never to use words like that except in ex-extreme provocation, and Francis provocated me enough to knock his block off."
•••
"Jack! When a child asked you something, answer him, for goodness sake. But don't make a production out of it. Children are children, but they can spot an evasion quicker than adults, and evasion simply muddles 'em."


Sometimes I feel guilty that when I read, I mostly read for pleasure. Sometimes that pleasure is in a work of fiction and sometimes it's in a work of non-fiction, but rarely does it take the form of a parenting book.
"You're with them all day - why would you want to read about them at night," the devil on my shoulder whispers into my ear. "You might get some helpful ideas or gain some insight into how your kids are feeling," counters my inner angel.
But low and behold - sometimes you can have both - great literature and great parenting advice.
It's a funny thing. I've read To Kill A Mockingbird at least three times now but only once as a parent and until I became a parent I never noticed that it's full of stellar parenting directive, though none perhaps that jumped off the pages as much as these two passages.
I wonder what pearls of wisdom I stand to glean from my next read, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?
After all, Ichabod Crane was a schoolmaster.

song: One for the Mockingbird • artist: Cutting Crew

One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer

Rather than the front yard, usually I steer my kids to the backyard to play. The reason being that it's easier to look out the back windows to see what they are up to, plus, this time of year some percentage of the four of them is bound to be in some stage of undress.
The other day I could hear the sounds of noisy children emanating from the front yard. I wondered to myself who the heck was visiting Dave and Jeannie's house only to realize minutes later than it was my own kids.
Yesterday at 11:30 AM Ken wondered out loud if it was too early for a beer.
"Your naked kids are running through the sprinkler in the back yard," I told him. "You might as well drag the couch into the yard, sit on it beer in hand with your shotgun in your lap."

song: One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer • artist: George Thorogood

Let the Music Play

There's been some discussion surrounding the performance of two plays on the library lawn next week though not the kind of discussion the organizers of the play had hoped to inspire.
The discussion is over whether or not the plays are suitable to be performed outside in a public space where people passing by, especially families with children, might be disturbed by the intensity of the drama.
I have never seen the plays in question and it sounds as if there are other issues surrounding them than just their appropriateness for children who might be in the vicinity; but as to that one objection I'd like to relate the following observations from experience as my oldest boys, ages 8 and 6, have seen a fair amount of live theater.
Live theater, though it may be intense with its action happening right before one's eyes, is by the same token made less scary because the action is happening right before one's eyes. No matter who is rumbling (West Side Story), changing into an evil alter ego (Jekyll and Hyde), committing suicide (Carousel) or cutting the throats of his customers (Sweeny Todd), my children are well aware that the action isn't real and that the actors, even the recently deceased ones, will all take the stage for a bow when the show's over.
Contrast this to television viewing where sometimes the action is real (the news, reality shows) and sometimes it isn't (movies, dramas, sitcoms). It's much harder in these situations for children to discern what's real from what's not and there's no curtain call at the end to help them sort it out.
This is the beauty of live theater. It's big and thought provoking and sometimes in your face, but it's not usually so horrific that you have to hide behind your playbill or shield your kids from it.
As for the screaming. Kids are natural dramatists anyway. People are screaming in my house all the time.
If there's screaming at my house it means that either someone's wife accidentally gave them a poisoned robe - or someone dropped a cookie on the floor.

song: Let the Music Play • artist: Shamur

Black Water II

Always be careful of what you wish for.

I was secretly hoping for a day off from swim lessons but thought it would come in the form of rain and not a high bacteria count.

song: Black Water • artist: Doobie Brothers

Lightenin' Strikes

Everything I learned this week I learned because of my kids.

1. The reason fish don't get killed when lightening strikes the water is because the fish are all under the water while an unfortunate swimmer or shellfisherman is breaking the surface of the water while the electricity is going across.

2. Cooties are real - and you really can catch them. 
3. The singular of mice is mouse. The singular of lice is louse.

song: Lightenin' Strikes • artist: Lou Christie

The End

Seems like no coincidence that the final space shuttle flight and the final Harry Potter movie are taking place less than a week apart.

The space shuttle is the ultimate Firebolt and the earth merely a snitch.

song: The End • artist: Doors

Early in the Morning II

Another summer season starts and so begins the jockeying for good parking spaces at Megansett.
This year I plan to arrive early enough for a coveted space along the perimeter of the lot.
I don't know why these spaces fill up first but I do know that parents who don't get to the beach early enough to secure one and have to park instead in the less desirable middle spots are pretty much lame losers who don't love their children enough to make an effort.

song: Early in the Morning • artist: Vanity Fair

Wicked Game

C seems to be entering his Bananagram phase. Three games in three nights.
I like it much better than his Monopoly phase.

song: Wicked Game • artist: Chris Isaak

The Border

Happy Canada Day to my cousins!
We made it all the way home with our billy club, lobster bands, spear, and eagle feather.

song: The Border • artist: America

Life is a Highway

I read the sign for Dipper Harbour as Diaper Harbour both on the way to and from St. John.
I kept wondering why my children weren't snickering from the back seat.

song: Life is a Highway • artist: Tom Cochrane

When Will I See You Again?

If kids live so much more in the moment than adults how come H always asks - before we've even finished doing something - when are we going to do it again?
H says that Carole is "very nice," but that his favorite is "him and Joseph. Just the two of us together."

song: When Will I See You Again? • artist: Three Degrees

Dock of the Bay

The breakwater dock is the social hub of Lower Wedgeport.
All evening long cars and trucks drive on and off the dock.
People come down to check their boats. Or just to see who else is around.
One man takes his two papillons out for a drive. We've seen him on the dock every night since we got here.
Another gets out and introduces himself. He turns out to be a relative.
Everyone stops to talk to my cousin Joseph.
Everyone asks C & H if they've caught any fish.
Everyone is friendly.
No one is in a hurry.
No one is talking on their cell phone.
And you thought Maine was "the way life should be."

song: Dock of the Bay • artist: Otis Redding

Watershed

So I drive us through Boston and to Belfast, and then I drive us to the boarder and on to St John. And I find our hotel room after only circling the block two times due to a closed exit. I get us to the ferry early enough to watch it dock and I have my luggage meticulously packed so at each hotel I only have one bag to bring in with us.
Everything's going swimmingly and then, when we're an hour from our destination, it starts to rain. Hard. It's already windy and I'm having to use both my hands on 10 and 2 to keep my non-high performance mini van on the road and suddenly it's raining like there's no tomorrow and I can't see the road even with the wipers going at the highest possible speed. It isn't letting up and I've slowed down to like 40mph (what's that in kilometers?) and then there's thunder and lightening and it's just so ridiculous and all the while we are listening to The Hobbit on CD and it's the crucial chapter where Bilbo meets Gollum and they go through all the riddles (an egg! a fish! time!) and it's still pouring and then Gollum can't find his precious and he starts screaming and it all seems so cosmically appropriate and finally I pull over cause I just can't see anything and the minute I do my kids come out of their back seat trance and C says,
"Why are we stopped?"
and H says,
"Are we there yet?"

song: Watershed • artist: Indigo Girls

Hotel California

H and I are eating cookies in bed.
We must be on vacation.

song: Hotel California • artist: the Eagles

The Tide is High

Low tide in the Bay of Fundy.

song: The Tide is High • artist: Blondie

Havin' A Party

We picked up 80 bottles and cans from the woods behind NFES on the last day of school and did not donate the proceeds from the returnables to the PTO.
Those elementary school kids sure know how to party.

song: Havin' A Party • artist: Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes

Get Happy

Happiness is a fridge full of fresh strawberries.

song: Get Happy • artist: The Partridge Family

Come Dancing

It's the news you've all been waiting for (now that the Stanley Cup is over) - students of Elena Griffin's belly dancing class will be performing during Arts Alive this Saturday at 4 PM. I will be way in the back hoping I don't trip over my veil so come on down and cheer us on. And don't miss my lovely and talented cousin Lindsey who will be performing a solo!

song: Come Dancing  • artist: The Kinks

Waiting in Vain

Dutifully we waiting until June to plant the tomatoes so they wouldn't get cold.
Looks like we should have waiting until July.

song: Waiting in Vain • artist: Bob Marley

Ridin' In My Car

Now that C has finished his first season of travel soccer one of the other parents asked me if I was going to get a soccer mom bumper sticker for my car.
"I drive a mini van," I said, "it's pretty much assumed I am a soccer mom."
A bumper sticker to that effect would just be redundant.
Like those Priuses going about with Obama campaign stickers on them. Tell me something I don't already know.
That's why I choose the Buy Cape Cod Grown bumper sticker.
That way everyone knows I really would be driving a Prius - if it weren't for all these darn kids.

song: Ridin' In My Car • artist: NRBQ

Have A Heart

"Mom, if it's against the law to relocate wild animals, why do they make Have-a-Heart traps?"

song: Have A Heart • artist: Bonnie Raitt

You Might Think

You would think that over the course of many years I would be an expert or at least passingly adept at both choosing appropriate birthday party gifts for six-year old boys and writing out sympathy cards.
Alas, I have found myself woefully lacking in both departments.

song: You Might Think • artist: The Cars

Early in the Morning

Another day another morning of hard breakfast cereal decisions and of having to convince my children of the improbable.
"Yes. There's butter on your toast. You just can't see it. It melted. Yes. It's really there. Go ahead. Eat it. Eat it."

song: Early in the Morning • artist: Vanity Fair

Your Kiss Is On My List

"How come you didn't eat your watermelon?" C asked H as they emptied out their lunch leftovers into the sink this afternoon.
"Because I didn't have time. I didn't see them." He replied.
What I should have said was, "Dammit, the public school isn't giving you enough time to eat your lunch!"
What I did say was, "Guess I should include a menu in your lunch box so you know what's in it."
So naturally, tomorrow he'll be the only kindergartner with a menu in his lunch box.

song: Your Kiss Is On My List • artist: Hall & Oats

We Are Family

Aunt Betty passed away yesterday.
She and my Uncle Mike raised seven children. I suspect, though my uncle was likely the disciplinarian, most of the raising was done by my aunt. As long as I knew her, Aunt Betty did not have a paying job; her job was raising her seven children. While it may not be the kind of occupation that gets you a shout out in the obituary section of the New York Times, those of us who are now busy raising our one, two, three (or four) children, with the help of DVDs, microwave ovens, and Music Together classes, have at least some idea of the myriad of challenges she faced.
But because one never thinks of what it's like to raise children until one is embroiled in the process themselves, I never thought of that when I visited my aunt and uncle's summer house, which during the work week, was occupied mainly by my aunt and my cousin. Instead, I thought that my Aunt Betty was the best because she made peanut butter and fluff sandwiches with oreo cookies for dessert for Maureen and me and took us down to the town landing so we could go swimming. She helped me pull out my second loose tooth when I was over her house - my first one having been lost on Washburns Island. She let Maureen and I stay up late to watch the Miss American pageant. We would sit on bean bag chairs with pencils and paper and keep our own scores.
On one occasion my parents left me at my aunt and uncle's Lexington house for the afternoon and I promptly threw up in their family room. Aunt Betty didn't bat an eye, she sat me on the couch with a bucket, and brought me coke syrup. Mmmmm. coke syrup.
Aunt Betty was someone who we relied on to be there when we needed her – and she always was. Not only was she there, she always gave the impression that there was nothing else she'd rather be doing than pitching wiffle balls to us or watching some "performance" Maureen and I had cooked up.
It often takes an adult perspective to realize that you had an idyllic childhood and I had one, especially during the summer. My aunt was one of the people who made that possible and for that I am forever indebted.
I hope she had some time to rest back then but if anyone deserves to rest in peace it is my Aunt Betty.

song: We Are Family • artist: Sister Sledge

Could it Be Magic

Hey! I just noticed that I can buy Barry Manilow's Mandy from iTunes for $1.29 but Could it Be Magic is only 99¢. Is Mandy really a whole 30¢ better than Could it Be Magic?
I think not.
I mean for starters Could it Be Magic is like six minutes long and Mandy's only three. That's twice as much Manilow Magic for the money.
What the hell. I'll just buy the whole album and skip the alliterations.
song: Could it Be Magic • artist: Barry Manilow

Gone Daddy Gone

Wednesday night Ken found out the hard way that my new  TV-B-Gone really works.
Because he had the mini van, with my keys, and my key chain, he couldn't help but test it while out for pizza with the boys. You see he didn't realize it's just a universal remote and as such will turn a TV on as well as off. So after testing it out on the hockey game he couldn't very well ask someone to turn the TV back on for fear of being fingered as the culprit who turned it off in the first place.
And that's how curiosity killed the play offs.

song: Gone Daddy Gone • artist: Violent Femmes

Waiting for the Bus

According to C, student behavior on the bus is deteriorating faster than a piece of cardboard left out in the rain. There are third graders teaching swear words to kindergartners, people throwing things, rampant use of "inappropriate language, and kids crawling under the seats. A meeting was held with the principal but chaos still reigns.
I feel for the substitute bus driver. Looks like being young, cute, and buff commands little respect in the world of elementary school bus drivers.
Children relate better to gruff, old and crusty.

song: Waiting for the Bus • artist: ZZ Top

Minute by Minute

The problem with a three year old telling you "just a minute," is that they have no idea how long a minute is.

song: Minute by Minute • artist: the Doobie Brothers

Bicycle Race

A suggestion for bikers on Quaker Road: cars traveling in the same direction don't travel two abreast and neither should you.

song: Bicycle Race • artist: Queen

Cult of Personality

N peruses his options from what's left of "Land Fill Scaped" at the close of Robert Rinder's show at the Provincetown Art Association and Museum.

song: Cult of Personality • artist: Living Colour

Cruel Summer

My children have forgotten what summer is.
Whenever I put short sleeves on N & S they tug on them repeatedly until I help them into long-sleeved sweatshirts.
On Thursday we were going out and I was wearing my skirt with the shorts on underneath (my favorite shorts since the ones from the Army Navy store on Martha's Vineyard finally wore out) and N & S both came over, pointed at my knees and said, "Mommy, pants."
"I am wearing pants, I said. These are shorts."
That's the kind of winter and spring it's been. My children don't remember shorts.

song: Cruel Summer • artist: Bananarama

Don't Talk to Strangers

This week alone brought the conviction of the mother who put her infant in the microwave, the identification of the kindergartner from Texas who was suffocated (presumably) by his mother, the trial of Casey Anderson, who we're pretty sure killed her two year old and then painted her nails, partied, and borrowed a shovel from neighbors afterwards, and the Salt Lake City mother who tried to sell her 13-year-old daughter's virginity for $10,000.
So is it really strangers that kids have to worry about?

song: Don't Talk to Strangers • artist: Rick Springfield

Shower the People

OMG. C just told me that all the black stuff coming off the trees and covering the back yard is caterpillar poop.
I think he's right.

song: Shower the People • artist: James Taylor

Drive

This is what the laundry room (laundry hallway really) looked like after I did three loads of wash on Monday. Is it any wonder I'm so excited about another week of hot-elementary-school bus driver?
After school I suggested the boys make a birthday card for Nana, another one for Brody, and a get well card for our regular bus driver, Cal.
"We should make a card for the substitute bus driver too," suggested my son, "to thank him for driving the bus."
Indeed.

song: Drive • artist: The Cars

Golden Slumbers

Invasion of the Pillow Snatchers: When a three year old climbs in your bed at 2AM.

song: Golden Slumbers • artist: The Beatles

Wild Thing

There was some hot bird sex going on in the garden plot next to ours at the community garden this afternoon.
I tried not to stare but like everyone else, I'm a voyeur at heart.
There are five birdhouses, all kid decorated, hanging up in my yard.
You'd think those birds could have gotten a room.

song: Wild Thing • artist: Tone Loc

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Ken's working tomorrow and I have no plans for the five of us. I was counting on some post-apocalyptic mayhem with which to entertain my kids.
Actually I'm kidding. I just really, really want to use this song title for a post.

song: It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) • artist: REM

World On Fire

It's product endorsement time!
When C was in kindergarten I bought one of those shower curtains with a map of the world on it. I liked it because it was so much bigger than the map that comes free with your subscription to National Geographic and I didn't have to worry about how to frame it or where to hang it.
This morning H noted on his flags of the world place mat that "there's one country that has just a green rectangle for its flag."
"It's Libya right?" I said because I've long thought Libya needs to get more creative with its flag. Are there no graphic designers in Libya?
"Yep." he said.
"Does anyone know where Libya is?" I asked.
"It's in Africa" said Caleb.
"How'd you know that," I said, thinking maybe the public school is discussing the occasional current event after all.
"I spend a lot of time in the bathroom."

song: World On Fire • Artist: Sarah McLachlan

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

Look! A laugh-out-loud line from the section on qualified health claims in Michael Pollen's book "In Defense of Food."
"No doubt we can look forward to a qualified health claim for high-fructose corn syrup, a tablespoon of which probably does contribute to your health - as long as it replaces a comparable amount of say, poison in your diet and doesn't increase the total number of calories you eat in a day."
And to think my son asked me why I never read "anything good."

song: Every Rose Has It's Thorn • artist: Poison

Watch Your Step

It may be raining for two straight weeks but at least  your melons aren't exploding.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Magic Bus II

Don't forget to vote today. With Donald Trump formally stepping out of the race for President, perhaps he'll become Falmouth's next write in candidate.
In other Falmouth news, OMG the substitute bus driver for NFES's bus 18 is really hot! I predict local mothers will be forgoing their usual bus stop attire (sweatpants) and all arrive in faux yoga wear and stilettos.

song: Magic Bus • artist: The Who

Rocket Man

I dreamed we were in a mall, surrounded by flat screen TVs, and couldn't get one store owner to switch channels to the space shuttle launch.
"My children are going to be so disappointed," I pleaded.
Luckily this was not the case.

song: Rocket Man • artist: Elton John

Here Comes the Rain Again, Again (a couplet)

Soccer practice cancellation.
Causes parents jubilation.

song: Here Comes the Rain Again • artist: Eurythmics

It Stoned Me

It's nice to know that home ec skills are thriving at the high school despite the budget crisis.
I wonder if that student would mind sharing tips on how to get the brownies out of the pan; for me, that's always the hardest part.
And honestly, good reporting would have noted whether the brownies were made from scratch or from a mix. Ten dollars does seem kind of high for a brownie made from a mix, no pun intended. Unless you got a coveted corner piece.

song: It Stoned Me • artist: Van Morrison

Mother Earth

H drew a picture of the moon having a conversation with the Earth.
"The moon is a boy you know."
"It is?"
"Yeah, because the Earth is a girl. You know, - Mother Earth."
"But I thought men were from Mars."
"What?"
"Nevermind."

song: Mother Earth • artist: Tom Rush

Once in a Very Blue Moon

There was so much trash on the side of the road between our house and the North Falmouth Elementary School on walk to school day that the boys and I decided to limit what we picked up to the worst offender: plastic.
Anyone who lives with an elementary school student knows that turtles eat plastic bags thinking they are jelly fish and albatross down plastic soda caps like candy. Why don't they teach kids about the potentially harmful plastics (PET, PVC, BPA, etc) they are ingesting themselves?
Anyway, by the looks of what we saw and picked up, I have to conclude that West and North Falmouth residents have a serious nip bottle problem, like smoking those skinny cigars, and save their bottles of Blue Moon beer to redeem but toss the bottle caps out their car windows.

song: Once in a Very Blue Moon • artist: Nanci Griffith

Reason to Believe

Who are all these people who won't believe Bin Laden is dead without seeing a photograph? If they did see a picture would they just say it was manipulated in Photoshop? Are they the same people who wouldn't believe the President was born in Hawaii until they saw a copy of his birth certificate?
It's funny because I bet if you asked them if they believed in God most of them would say yes. Where's their photographic proof of that?

song: Reason to Believe • artist: Rod Stewart

Now We Are Six

When I was one,
I had just begun.
When I was two,
I was nearly new.
When I was three,
I was hardly me.
When I was four,
I was not much more.
When I was five,
I was just alive.
But now I am six,
I'm as clever as clever.
So I think I'll be six
now and forever.

poem: Now We Are Six • author: A.A. Milne

We Didn't Start the Fire

On Friday I had to explain who the Nazis were to C after we saw the "Sound of Music." Today I had to tell him about Osama Bin Laden.
A tough weekend for a history-challenged parent.

song: We Didn't Start the Fire • artist: Billy Joel

That Smell

I wonder if the fish in the tank on one side of the room, can smell the mice in the  cage on the other side of the room and if he can does he wonder when the heck I'm going to clean it up? Perhaps he's hoping I'll just move his tank to another room in the house - before his property values slip any further.

song: That Smell • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Sixteen Going on Seventeen

I think that the two guys who audibly (and rudely) groaned with C and his friend sat down next to them in the theater tonight owe the boys an apology.
Not only did they sit quietly throughout the three-hour performance, they did not like their row mates, drink bottled water during the show. Behavior I'm sure would have been frowned upon by management.
And holy cow, what a  lot of stalls the new woman's bathroom at Highfield Theater has!

song: Sixteen Going on Seventeen • artist: The Sound of Music

Mr. Spaceman

They scrubbed the space shuttle launch with only T minus three-and-a-half hours to go today. I have to admit to being a little disappointed, the astronauts were already on their way to the launch pad.
Think how disappointed they must have felt.
It must take forever to get into those space suits.

song: Mr. Spaceman • artist: The Byrds

Run Around Sue

Oh, I see how it is, you've got to name names if you want any recognition around here. Okay. Fine. I can do that. I'll bet Sue's still on a sports high. Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.
And Esther - don't say I didn't warn her about the meat pies. Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther.

song: Run Around Sue • artist: Dion

Living On A Prayer

Every time I looked for Ken to help out at the lodge on Thursday with chores such as stacking firewood and bringing in water he was sleeping on the couch. It was as if he was playing Peter to my Jesus in an impromptu and well-timed staging of the Maundy Thursday garden of Gethsemane scene where Jesus basically calls Peter a lazy arse for not being able to stay awake for an hour.
And in related religious news I give you:

The Jelly Bean Prayer
Red is for the blood he gave.
Green is for the grass he made.
Yellow is for the sun so bright.
Orange is for the edge of night.
Black is for the sins we made.
White is for the grace he gave.
Purple is for his hour of sorrow.
Pink is for our new tomorrow.
A bag full of jelly beans colorful and sweet
Is a prayer, is a promise, is a special treat.

I've heard the one about the origins of the candy cane, and the passion flower, the significance of the poinsettia, and how pretzels are arms folded in prayer; but jelly beans? Hows about a prayer for the avoidance of tooth decay? A prayer for the parents of children revved up on a sugar high? A prayer for the soulful conversion of Devil Dogs?

song: Living on a Prayer • artist: Bon Jovi

Hey Mickey

First N was choosey about his pajamas.
Then N was choosey about his pants and shirts.
Now N is choosey about his diapers.
Mickey Mouse: good, Sesame Street: bad.

song: Hey Mickey • artist: Toni Basil

I Will Wait

Hootennanny: a gathering at which folksingers entertain often with the audience joining in.
We're planning a trip to the AMC Lodge in Western Mass tomorrow and I was on the lodge's website checking it out and obsessing over how many flashlights to bring when I saw they had a link for places to eat. I opened it, because we're only pseudo campers you know, and up came a listing for the Dream Away Lodge in Becket. Along with great food, the Dream Away is famous (at least according to the Appalachian Mountain Club) for its Wednesday night hootenannies.
Hootenanny. What a hilarious word. It might newly rank with Schenectady and Gnip Ganop in terms of my favorite words.
Today I'm working on the calendar of events for the paper's In Season supplement and see this under the listings for Highfield Hall: Hootenanny on the Hill, July 17, 2 to 6 PM.
I am so going.
And yes, there are songs with the word hootenanny in the title (lots of 'em), but I wasn't familiar with any and therefore didn't feel right about using them.

song: I Will Wait • artist: Hootie and the Blowfish

Small Town

Why is there nothing to make one feel more like a townie than taking one's children to the bowling alley?
It was supposed to rain yesterday but didn't until we got home. It wasn't sunny though. If it had been sunny I'd have felt guilty about being inside.
Bowling is one of those sports that most people just do. No one thinks about signing up for a bowling lesson. Who needs a lesson? We all watched bowling on Saturday mornings when we were kids and it came on after the cartoons were over. I watched until I was able to pull myself out of my sugary-cereal-induced coma long enough to get off the shag carpet and turn off the television. Probably because it was a nice day out and watching bowling on a nice day is even more guilt inducing that playing it.
All I can say about playing yesterday is a) thank goodness they put up the gutter bumpers for H 'cause we all benefited from that, b) check out the fancy new computer screens that keep score for you! and c) I think I pulled a groin muscle.

song: Small Town • artist: John Mellencamp

Trouble Me

You want your son to learn to throw trash away by himself instead of handing it to you so you take his hand and lead him to the trash can where he notices, in with the other refuse, an empty granola bar wrapper.
"I want Daddy snack," he says while depositing the wrapper of the band aid he doesn't need, for the boo boo he doesn't have, into the trash.
"I want Daddy snack," he says again, louder, and you ignore him because you're thinking about "If You Give a Pig a Pancake."
If you give a preschooler a band aid, you mutter under your breath, he'll probably want a granola bar.
Then the band aid gets stuck to itself and he cries that he wants another one and you think that maybe it won't be that much trouble to just throw trash away for him, and his twin brother, for the next 16 years.

song: Trouble Me • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Walk the Line

There is a fine line between people who are boring because they talk only about their children and people who are boring because they talk only about themselves.
Let's all strive to walk it.

song: Walk the Line • artist: Johnny Cash

No Sunlight

Whenever the radio announcer says that there's a gale watch in effect I always think he's saying that there's a whale watch in effect and I wonder who's out looking for whales in weather like this.

song: No Sunlight • artist: Death Cab for Cutie

Crocodile Rock

C threw up at school yesterday and had to miss camp read a lot which very well may have been the greatest disappointment of his life thus far. Even H, who was also sick, was nice to him as he wallowed in the misery of life's unfairness for the rest of the afternoon. Or maybe they were both just too sick to fight.
S accidentally flushed a sock down the toilet. He was pretty upset about it actually.
"Where my sock go?" he fretted.
I was initially horrified that it would instantly clog up our pipes but then remembered how, if urban legend is to be believed, city folks flush alligators down their toilets on a regular basis. Surely a baby alligator is bigger than a single orange-striped Baby Gap sock - ages 24 to 36 months.

song: Crocodile Rock • artist: Elton John

I Alone

How come my kids won't go upstairs alone in their own house with the rest of their family downstairs, but they'll argue to stay behind in the car in a parking lot rather than come into the supermarket with me?

song: I Alone • artist: Live

Downtown

Pickles, cereal, pineapple, a granola bar, and olives - that's what he gets in his lunchbox when his mom has three glasses of wine before packing it.

song: Downtown • artist: Ghandi's Lunchbox

Easy Bake Ovens

The Meringue Debacle (A Tragedy in Two Acts)

Act I: (The Dining Room, St. Patrick's Day) We invited some of Ken's running friends over for dinner. One of the guys, a kid really, 24-year-old Evan, came bearing cloud cookies. The kids devoured them.
"They're so easy to make," he said.

Act II: (The Kitchen, several days later) The twins are engrossed in their favorite mid-morning activity, playing in the bathroom sink and I, looking to distract them, say, "you guys wanna bake some cookies?"
I print out the first meringue cookie that Google provides, and we're off. Ingredients added, I snigger over instructions to whip the batter into "stiff peaks" because that's the kind of immature 43-year-old mother of four that I am, get out the electric mixer, and get to it. Twenty minute later and my peaks are nowhere near stiff, barely aroused is more like it; in fact I ask them what their problem is and first they pretended to be asleep, they they roll over and tell me they are too tired - and - they have a headache.
Disillusioned I consult Google again. This time I find all manner of meringue caveats. Don't make meringue on rainy days (it was raining). Use room temperature eggs (ours were straight out of the fridge). Don't dump all the sugar in at once (I dumped). Make sure no yoke gets mixed in with the egg whites (I let the twins help separate the eggs). Don't let the batter sit for more than five minutes before putting it in the oven (OMG! I've been reading these online instructions for like 15!)
Know how you go to explain something simple to someone and when you're finished you throw in a conciliatory "it ain't rocket science?" It turns out that making meringue IS rocket science and my bachelor's degree is in graphic design.
Lacking an emergency stash of culinary Viagra, and feeling my parenting skills being usurped by a 24-year old bachelor, (good mothers can makes cookies right? especially ones that are mostly air) the question now was whether or not to push on through or to throw the whole thing out and pretend like it never happened.
I put them in the oven, figuring that bad cookies were better than no cookies. They came out flat; as flat as the course of the Nantucket Marathon; as flat as the shoreline at low tide; as flat as my profile in my prom dress.
My kids condescended to eat them anyway but I can tell that they wish Evan was their mother.

song: Easy Bake Ovens • artist: Girlyman

What Kind of Fool (II)

Ken and C put jello in my tea pot!
They are so going to get it.

song: What Kind of Fool • artist: Barbra Striesand