Your Profile: A Found [Facebook] Poem

Working on a new segment.
Charlie Sheen
Is thinking.
Glad to be home.
Chocolate Yumaliciousness!
I better have a speed pass into heaven.
They bust their asses.
There are two kinds of sorry.
Charlie Sheen
Here is your Sunday back.
I did it!
Amazing wedding this weekend.
Happy Monday!
All done with the first grade science project.
Driving into work this morning wishing I would win powerball.
Will spring weather ever arrive?
I just hate it when I'm upstairs...but the chocolate is downstairs.
I love my new Kindle.
I think our garbage cans blew away!
Charlie Sheen

Spinning Wheel

Hanging out in a sauna in a Maine blizzard.
Feeling healthy in a sweaty kind of way.

song: Spinning Wheel * artist: Blood, Sweat and Tears

The Sweetest Thing

If I have to institute a candy buy back program with my children after Valentine's Day and assuming other parents have to do the same, why don't we cut out the middleman and have our kids give each other money to begin with?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: Juice Newton

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

A modern-day riff on the parable of the lost sheep.
When a three year old has a bowl full of macaroni and one piece of macaroni drops on the floor said three year old will leave all the other macaroni still in the bowl and go in search of the one he has lost. He will search and search until that piece of macaroni is finally found else he will scream for his mother who will search and search until that piece of macaroni is found.
Then the three year old will take the dirty macaroni, again ignoring the bowl full of clean macaroni, and insist on eating it.

song: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For • artist: U2

Fat Babies

I pity the kid who just gave out a Valentine's Day card 'cause nothin' says I love you like a sh*t load of candy.

song: Fat Babies • artist: Lyle Lovett

Mad World

Isn't "pregnant woman" a redundant phrase? I mean I guess it could be a pregnant sheep or cow or alligator - but taken in the context of the article I'm writing, which is about pillows, it's obvious I'm talking about people - people who can get pregnant.
It seems funny that pregnant is an adjective. Just another descriptive word like squishy or smelly.
As you can see we've been playing a lot of Mad Libs at our house.

song: Mad World • artist: Gary Jules

You're A Mean One Mr Grinch

When I have to wrench sippy cups out of the clenched fists of my sleeping twins I feel like the Grinch stuffing the Who's Christmas tree up the chimney and swiping Who Hash from the fridge. Of course I shouldn't let them go to bed with sippy cups in the first place - sippy cups filled with milk no less which I've been told is especially bad for developing teeth.
So I guess that the mere fact that they are in bed with sippy cups that are in need of gentle wrenching makes me, by definition, not a Grinch. Or at the very least an over-indulgent Grinch.

song: You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch • artist: Thurle Ravenscroft

Green Shirt

H has already chosen and laid out the shirt he's wearing over to Sam's house tomorrow.
Guess that's why they call it a play date.

song: Green Shirt • artist: Elvis Costello

Sweetest Thing

The Cat in the Hat ain't got nothin' on me. Last night I stood in the bathroom and simultaneously brushed my teeth, read True Grit, and practiced my shimmy. Multi-tasking is my middle name.
I don't understand why, if we're suppose to be encouraging our children to develop healthy eating habits at an early age, everything comes in bubble gum flavor. There's bubble gum-flavored Children's Tylanol and Bubble-gum flavored children's toothpaste.
Toothpaste? Really? Dentists don't want kids to chew gum (unless of course it's Dentyne) but brushing your teeth with it is okay.
I know it's all just artificial flavoring but what ever happened to grape and cherry?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: U2

Sticky Fingers

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson#6

If I am not supposed to stick my fingers up my nose, how come they fit up there so well?

album: Sticky Fingers • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Mountain

Standing on the top of Mt. Wachusett, while more skilled skiers took photos and enjoyed the view, I pondered how on earth I was ever going to get down the mountain without maiming myself and whether it would be more embarrassing for C to look up from his ski lesson and see his mother crawling down from 2,000 feet up or being ferried down by ski patrol.
In the end I made it down - on skis - and marveled again at a child's ability to force a parent out of their comfort zone.

song: The Mountain • artist: Levon Helm

Dream On

How about the movie Inception? A 9 out of 10 on the IMBd (Citizen Kane got an 8.6)? This must be a case of everyone turning in rave reviews because they don't want to admit they didn't understand what the heck was going on. The old emperor has no clothes on response again.
I just love the emperor has no clothes analogy.
The emperor must be one of my twins.

song: Dream On • artist: Aerosmith

Slippery When Wet

You know your life is boring when your husband takes your four kids for the whole day and all you can think of to do is go buy socks. And frankly, you're really excited about having new socks.
Whatdayaknow? Ken's 4-runner has a dashboard indicator light that lets the driver know when they are sliding on ice.
As if I couldn't tell.

album: Slippery When Wet • artist: Bon Jovi

Don't Mess Around with Jim

N put a bandaid above his lip the other night and declared, "I Big, Big, Jim!"
The he ripped it off and asked, "Where'd Big, Big, Jim go?"
Then he laughed like a hyena and went through the whole routine again.

song: Don't Mess Around with Jim • artist: Jim Croce

All Out of Love

Dear HP OfficeJet 4680 All In One,
You suck! I hate you! You are the worst printer I've ever owned! Ever! You are the worst printer I've ever had to deal with and that includes the old dot matrix printers that used continuous paper with perforated edges that were always jamming up, especially when I had to print labels.
All In One? All In One what? All In One Pain in the Neck, that's what! You jam up all the time! For no reason! You loose the connection to my laptop - out of spite!
I don't care that you only cost $99 18 months ago and I've probably gotten my moneys worth out of you. You'd be worthless and obsolete even if you weren't already worthless and obsolete. The color printer I had before you lasted six years and never had a problem. The only good feature you had was your copy feature and even that isn't working anymore.
You're not even worth Freecycling.
Sincerely your disillusioned and frustrated owner,
Joanne

song: All Out of Love • artist: Air Supply

Lay A Little Lovin On Me

Thank goodness for all the bad 70s music that makes morning chores fun.

song: Lay A Little Lovin On Me • artist: Robin McNamara

Brother Can You Spare A Dime? (Redux)

S and N had well-baby check ups yesterday and when I mentioned to the doctor that S's dime had not, to the best of my knowledge, turned up yet she sent us over to the hospital for an x-ray.
The good news for mommy was that the x-ray didn't turn up any dimes. The bad news for C was that the x-ray didn't turn up any dimes. He was really counting on getting the dime back.
Earlier in the week he'd asked: "Can I bring the dime to school for show and tell?"
"No." I said. "They don't have show and tell in second grade and besides, I'm putting the dime in S's baby book."
I contemplated getting any old dime and just giving it to him and saying it was "the dime," but in the end I went with the truth.
He took it pretty well.
"Your brother had an x-ray of his stomach today and the doctor didn't see any dime in it."
"Oh. Can I have the x-ray?"

song: Brother Can You Spare A Dime? • artist: E.Y. Yip and Jay Gorney

Enough is Enough

Yes, I bought them snow shovels for their birthday.
No, it doesn't mean I want it to keep snowing.

song: Enough is Enough • artist: Donna Summer

House of the Rising Sun

What is it about writing about animals that makes us go on for so long?
I could ask someone to write about remodeling their entire kitchen and the story might break 1300 words, but ask someone to write about pets and I get stories coming in at 1900, 2300, 3800 and even 4,000+ words.
I'm not complaining mind you - and the 4,000 word story is my own - I'm just wondering what it is about animals that makes us - even though we know a picture is worth a thousand words - write a thousand words any way, and then some?
Maybe it's because we know they can't call us up after the story is printing and complain that we misquoted them.

song: House of the Rising Sun • artist: The Animals

You Say It's Your Birthday II

It must be a little disconcerting to turn three. To have a rudimentary understanding of birthdays as a day when people clap, sing, and blow out candles on their dessert and yet not to know when your own birthday is.
And then one morning you wake up and your older siblings are in your room jumping about, telling you it's your birthday, and trying to make you wear a funny hat.
It's much harder to be five and to know not only when your birthday is, but to know how far off it is as well.
I know this is true because H has been talking about his birthday ever since he finishing unwrapping his presents on Christmas morning.
"Your birthday isn't until spring," I remind him on an almost daily basis.
"It's almost spring now," he said last night. "The snow is melting."
"Your birthday isn't until after Easter," I said.
Sometimes it pays to be specific.

song: You Say It's Your Birthday • artist: The Beatles