Santa Will Find You

Creepiest holiday song title ever.

song: Santa Will Find You • artist: Mindy Smith

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Woah. Christmas Day is almost over?
Kinda slept in this morning.
I was up late kissing Santa Claus last night.
Damn mistletoe.
Hope no one saw me.

song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus • artist: Tommie Connor

The Christmas Song

Christmas Songs for 2016
1. I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. I Wanna Adopt an Endangered Hippopotamus for Christmas
3. We Three Democratically-Elected Kings
4. Baby It's Not That Cold Outside (Thanks, Global Warming!)
5. Frosty the Snowperson
6. It's a Gluten-Free Marshmallow World
7. I'm Dreaming of an Ethnically-Diverse Christmas
8. The Nut-Free Cracker
9. You're a Mean One, Mr. Trump
10. Christmas Island: Is Under Water (Thanks, Global Warming!)
11. Oh Sustainably-Harvested Christmas Tree
12. I No Longer Wonder as I Wander (Thanks, GPS!)

song: The Christmas Song • artist: Nat King Cole

Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside

Sixty five degrees on Cape Cod on December 24?
Guess I'll be wearing my sun dress to midnight mass.

song: Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside • Lyricist: Frank Loesser

Christmas Wrapping

Speed wrapping.
Is that an Olympic sport?

song: Christmas Wrapping • artist: The Waitresses

Life in a Northern Town

I just gave $2 to the Salvation Army guy outside Stop and Shop. 

I think he told me he loved me and that I should try not to drink and drive.

Or maybe he was just mumbling to himself.

song: Life in a Northern Town • artist: The Dream Academy

Tradition

Someday my grandchildren will ask my children (probably for an elementary-school project) what were some of the holiday traditions they had when they were kids. Did you play special music or eat special foods?
And my kids will say, "Well, your grandmother used to obsessively call the local radio station trying to register for the giant stocking giveaway. Sometimes she would make us try and call in at the same time on the other cell phone."
#callernumberthreeagaindammit!!@#$#%@@#**%$

song: Tradition • musical: Fiddler on the Roof

Candy

One great thing about having kids is that you can rummage around in the back of your mini van and usually come up with some snacks.
Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!
Two of them!
Score!

song: Candy • artist: Iggy Pop

Whats So Funny 'Bout Peace Love and Understanding?

N told me that some of his friends have elf on the shelves that "do funny things."
Great. Now there's elf on the shelf peer pressue.
"What kind of funny things?" I asked.
"Like they pull all the toilet paper off the roll. Or they dump the trash on the floor."
"That doesn't sound funny. That sounds bad.
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

song; Whats So Funny 'Bout Peace Love and Understanding? • artist: elvis costello

Gonna Fly Now

The domestic version of flying to close to the sun must be vacuuming to close to the socks.

song: Gonna Fly Now (Rocky's theme) • artist: Bill Conti

What You Need

So much of Christmas is about figuring out what your kids need and then making them wait until December 25 to get it.
#newshoesockssweathshirtsandsocceruniforms

song: What You Need • artist: INXS

1979

Dropping off the the jack-o-lanterns at Compost With Me feels weirdly like disposing of a body. If, that is, I knew what disposing of a body felt like.

song: 1979 • artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Time in on my Side

Can I gain a daylight savings hour every night?

song: Time is on my Side • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Company Way

The bright side of your kid wetting the bed two nights in a row?
The laundromat's tv airing "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" while you wait for your sheets to wash.

song: The Company Way • musical: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Walk This Way

Missing the afternoon bus and having to drive into the school and sheepishly collect your kids from after school care: The Parental Walk of Shame.

song: Walk This Way • artist: Aerosmith

Touch Me

setting: supermarket produce aisle
C: "Why do you have to pick up each bean one at a time? Can't you just grab a handful?
me: "I don't know, I guess it's because your grandmother picked string beans one at a time and besides - if you touch each green bean individually it means you care more. Parents who just grab a big handful obviously don't love their children."
C: big eye roll

song: Touch Me • artist: The Doors

Can't Find My Way Home

There was a small lost child at the middle school monster bash tonight.
A helpful adult approach him and asked him who he'd come to the event with.
"My mommy."
"And what was your Mommy wearing," said the adult.
"Clothes," said the child.

song: Can't Find My Way Home • artist: Eric Clapton

One is the Loneliest Number

Don't you always feel sorry for the one sock out of the pair that doesn't have a hole in it?
It usually gets thrown out with its mate, a perfectly good sock, struck down in its prime.
It seems kinda barbaric.
Like those Egyptian pharaoh's whose entire court would be sacrificed and buried with him upon his death. That's been debunked and relabeled as a myth by the way. But the sacrificial second sock? A sad practice that's all too real.

song: One is the Loneliest Number • artist: Three Dog Night

I Won't Grow Up

H: "Mommy, you know how in Peter Pan the kids all live in Never, Never Land where they don't have to grow up? I think the opposite of that must be Ever, Ever Land where everyone is a grown up all the time."
Me: "Sounds awful. I'm pretty sure I live there."

song: I Won't Grow Up • musical: Peter Pan

Crash Into Me

me: "I know it's hard when you're not feeling well but if you have to throw up in bed, it's better if you just throw up in the middle of the bed than lean over the edge and throw up on your bed, your brother's bottom bunk, and the floor. Understand?"
him: "I think so."
It's just like the Titanic, if only they had hit the iceberg head on rather that ripping a big gash along side the ship in an effort to avoid the collision - the overall damage would have been so much less.

song: Crash Into Me • artist: Dave Matthews Band