Telephone Line

This is it. I absolutely refuse to answer the phone until after the election. Even if I recognize your name and number I'm still suspicious that you're going to try and tell me why I should vote for your candidate.
Just leave a message.

song: Telephone Line • artist: Electric Light Orchestra

Son of a Preacher

Larissa at Papa is a Preacher invited me to participate in my first-ever blog hop. And let me just say outright - I was thrilled to be asked. That was last Thursday. And then the link up closed and like many a project around my house - I didn't get it done.
You see there was this caveat - not the part about commenting on other people's blogs, that I can do - it was coming up with something of my own to post.
What do you mean you couldn't think of something to post? You post to this blog all the time.
Yes, yes, I know. But I post a sentence or two. An observation. A Seinfeldism. A random thought. Nothing in complete paragraphs that I could show my ninth-grade English teacher. That's right, get your head out of that Edward Gorey book Ms. Spring - I'm talkin' to you. Little of substance.
I sometimes marvel at bloggers who write daily missives. Where do they get their inspiration? Who's hanging the laundry and prepping dinner while they are writing?
I also know that there's many a site out there to provide inspiration for bloggers block in the form of various prompts and themes and five-minute free-form writing assignments. That I don't participate is my own lack of commitment I suppose. Or maybe it's something deeper.
I want to participate. I really do. I guess I just feel funny about admitting that I'm writing for an audience. That it's not just an online journal and oh look you happen to have found it. Picking a theme or participating in the chat means the jigs up - I do care. There. Fine. I said it. I care. I want you to read this. I want you to like me. I really do.
I feel a bit like Maurice Sendack's Pierre. Now can I fold the folding chair?

song: Son of a Preacher Man • artist: Dusty Springfield

And It Stoned Me

What the hell was up with those parents who gave Charlie Brown rocks for Halloween? I hope someone reported them.

song: And It Stoned Me • artist: Van Morrison

Crash Into Me

Dear Mr. Truck Driver,
I understand why you swerved into my lane today to avoid running over the squashed skunk on the middle of your lane. Who wants to run over stinky roadkill? My only concern is that you pulled all the way across the center line right in front of me, and you see it's like this - I'm still alive and would like to stay that way - the skunk was already dead.

song: Crash Into Me • artist: Dave Matthews Band

Galileo

Yesterday's NY Times contained a tech story about apps and included a rated listing of apps which have the sole purpose of suggesting to people what apps they ought to buy. Your personal app shoppers. The thought being, there are so many apps out there, you really need an app just to keep up with them.
Woah. If you don't know an app exists isn't that proof that you don't need it?
Are you better or worse off for knowing about apps that you previously didn't know about?
Apps seem like they are getting more existential all the time.
If an app falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
What is the sound of one app clapping?
Have we all gone app happy?
I confess. I'm not a fan of apps.
You might say I'm anti-app. Though you could also argue that since I'm app-less I'm just suffering from app envy.
In which case maybe apps are more Freudian that existential.


song: Galileo • artist: Indigo Girls

Lawyers, Guns, and Bunny

Check out my son's pistol-packing bunny.
No one messes with his carrot.

song: Layers, Guns, and Money • artist: Warren Zevon

What's Your Name?

In retrospect it would have been easier if I had given my kids names like Stupid, Butt Butt Brains, Stinky, and Poo Poo Head
If I had - then when one of them runs over to me and says, "Mommy! He just called me Stupid," I could say - well that's your name isn't it?

song: What's Your Name? • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Just the Way You Are

My parents celebrated their golden wedding anniversary this weekend.
This means, among other things, that for 50 years my mother has gone to the Congregational church in Waquoit every Sunday while my dad has faithfully attended the Catholic church on Main Street. For half a century neither has tried to convert the other.
Perhaps this is the secret to a successful marriage.
Don't try to convert one another.

song: Just the Way You Are • artist: Billy Joel

Woman

Nowhere Man (The Beatles)
Ramblin Man (Allman Brothers)
Travelin Man (Ricky Nelson)
Wanted Man (Johnny Cash)
Magic Man (Heart)
Lucky Man (Emerson, Lake & Palmer)
Southern Man (Neil Young)
Old Man (Neil Young)
Better Man (Pearl Jam)
Rocket Man (Elton John)
Particle Man (They Might Be Giants)
Macho Man (Village People)
Walking Man (James Taylor)
Candy Man (Sammy Davis Jr.)
Back Door Man (The Doors)
Ordinary Average Man (Don Henley)
Well Respected Man (the Kinks)
New World Man (Rush)
Sharp Dressed Man (ZZ Top)
Hurdy Gurdy Man (Donovan)
Guitar Man (Bread)
Piano Man (Billy Joel)
Poetry Man (Phoebe Snow)
Mr. Tambourine Man (The Byrds)
Street Fighting Man (Rolling Stones)
Secret Agent Man (Johnny Rivers)

Devil Woman (Cliff Richard)
Hard Headed Woman (Cat Stevens)
Woman in Black (Foreigner)
Black Magic Woman (Santana)
Evil Woman (ELO)
Witchy Woman (The Eagles)
L.A. Woman (The Doors)
Pretty Woman (Roy Orbison)
American Woman (Guess Who)
Kentucky Woman (Neil Diamond)
Natural Woman (Aretha Franklin)
Coconut Woman (Harry Belafonte)
Honkey Tonk Woman (Rolling Stones)

Here's a brief list of song titles with the word man in them. And a second list featuring the word woman.
From what I can see guys seem to have it over the ladies when it comes to song titles.
Guys get to be carefree, rugged, rambling, or slightly dangerous.
Women on the other hand get to mostly be mean, stubborn or satanic.
That and the Candy Man and the Coconut Woman should get together.

song: Woman • artist: John Lennon

People C'mon

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #15

The Lord may help those who help themselves but if mommy wants to leave the house with her kids - she has to help everybody.

song: People C'mon • artist: Delta Spirit

Parenting is ...

watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1 - again and having to sit through the scene where Dobby gets killed - again.
 

Sharp Dressed Man

School picture day. C wore his suit coat, white shirt, tie, and tie clip.
"Is C wearing his church sweatshirt?" N asked.

song: Sharp Dressed Man • artist: ZZ Top

I Don't Want to Know

an excerpt from Cheap: The High Cost of Discount Culture by Ellen Ruppel Shell 

Few IKEA outlets in the US are accessible by public transportation and since the company does not support a home delivery service, customers willing and able to take public transport rarely do so. As a result, the traffic jams surrounding IKEA stores are so gnarly that customers are discouraged from shopping on weekends when lines of idling cars can back up for miles. IKEA touts its 'green side' by lighting its stores with low-wattage bulbs and charging extra for plastic bags while its clientele burns through gallon after gallon of fuel to buy disposable tables and lamps. Asked his assessment of company practices, MIT-trained urban development expert Wig Zamore said: "IKEA is the least sustainable retailer on the planet."

Bummer

song: I Don't Want to Know • artist: Fleetwood Mac

Good Thing

song: Good Thing • artist: Fine Young Cannibals

Children of the Corn

Since when is being lost in corn fun?
When I was a kid Stephen King ruined corn the way Peter Benchley ruined swimming. It was all bloody scythes, horror, and nightmares.
Guess it's because they aren't 19 yet.

story: Children of the Corn • author: Stephen King

Red, Red, Red

song: Red, Red, Red • artist: Fiona Apple

I Love Bald-Headed Men

Terrible news! Someone is C's class has lice. This after C declared last week that Harry H. cut his hair leaving himself as officially the fourth-grade boy with the longest hair.


song: I Like Bald-Headed Men • artist: Christine Lavin

Anniversary Song

song: Anniversary Song • artist: Cowboy Junkies

She's a Beauty

Our condo in North Conway comes equipped with an extensive collection of Disney videos.
Disney movies are like a new strain of the flu for my kids - having not been exposed very often they've built up little tolerance. Last year they happily indulged in the Jungle Book, Peter Pan, and Shrek.
The first pick this year was Dumbo which I'm okay with since I consider it a classic - I mean what kid can grow up without having been thoroughly creeped out by Pink Elephants on Parade?
Last night we almost watched Sleeping Beauty but I talked them into Beauty and the Beast instead. My rationale being not enough action for four boys in a beauty that just sleeps, better add a beast to the mix.
I'd never seen Beauty and the Beast except as a theatrical performance and I'll admit - I was looking forward to it because I remembered that the heroine is a nerdy book geek, so imagine my disappointment when the book she chooses (one that she claims to have read several times) turns out to be a fairy story about a girl falling in love with a handsome prince. I didn't expect her to be reading War and Peace but is it too much to hope for to have her read something of substance? Guess in fairy tales girls can read - but they can only read fairy tales.
Tonight the twins went with Sleeping Beauty since they can abide handsome princes and kissing more than their older brothers can. When I got back from the clubhouse with H & C the movie was already in full swing and let's just say they don't make Disney villains the way they used to:
Maleficent: "Now you'll deal with me Prince Phillip! And all the powers of Hell!"
C: Mom. This movie is rated G? It should be PG, they say swear words.
M: Ummm. Well. At lest it's in context.

song: She's a Beauty • artist: the Tubes

Buckets of Rain

Is there a special place in heaven for parents who take their kids to Storyland in the rain?
Because there should be.

song: Buckets of Rain • artist: Bob Dylan

Live and Let Die

If New Hampshire is the Live Free or Die state why all the tolls on the highway?
Are they trying to kill me?

song: Live and Let Die • artist: Paul McCartney and Wings

They Don't Know

Last week I was working in the yard when S came over and decided he wanted to work with me. He took off into the house and then came back telling me, "Daddy didn't know what I was saying."
Me: "Daddy didn't understand you?"
S: "No! Daddy didn't know what I was saying!"
Me: "Why don't you tell me what you were saying and I'll tell it to Daddy?"
S: "Daddy didn't know what I was saying."
Me: "I know. What were you saying?"
S: "Daddy didn't know what I was saying!"
At this point Ken comes outside.
Ken: "I don't know what he's saying."
Me: "I know."
Ken: Well what's he saying?
Me: "I don't know because he won't tell me what he was saying. Is it just me or is it like Abbot and Costello around here?"
Ken: "He's saying it right now."
S: "Shovel."
Me: "Shovel. He wants a shovel."
Ken: "Oh."

song: They Don't Know • artist: Tracy Ullman

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy

With all due regrets to the local wildlife and our neighbors - C is now playing the trumpet.

song: Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy • artist: the Andrew Sisters

Alone Again

Leo plays this game where she'll pick up a Lego or Playmobil piece in her mouth, carry it to the top of the stairs, drop it, and then chase it down the stairs and repeat.
Brilliant! I think she's the smartest cat ever!
Now if only my kids could figure out ways to entertain themselves.

song: Alone Again (Naturally) • artist: Gilbert O'Sullivan

Hot Dog

song: Hot Dog • artist: Led Zepplin

Put a Lid On It

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #15

If there were 10 bathrooms in our house, there would be 10 toilet seats left up. 

song: Put a Lid On It • artist: Squirrel Nut Zippers

Angel from Montgomery

This is a heads up to my friends at the North Falmouth Library. I just ordered up a bunch of books about angels - they are for a Christmas supplement story - I'm not suddenly really into angels. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
I always wonder how much the mailman, the trash collector, and the local librarian know about us. An awful lot I would guess.

song: Angel from Montgomery • artist: John Prine

You Better You Bet

Overheard at the Bocce festival on Saturday:
"Damn. I thought we could at least beat a kid playing with a broken arm."
No such luck. They only tied our team.

song: You Better You Bet • artist: The Who

Non Sequitur of the Day

A news report citing that a demonstration in which protestors shouted "death to America," was "mostly peaceful."

The Wedding Song

The Catholic church should be relieved to learn that Jesus might have had a wife.
At least it means he wasn't gay.

song: The Wedding Song • artist: Paul Stookey

Ice Cream Man

scene: Middle row of the mini van. Two four year olds discuss their career options:
S: "I wonder what I'll be when I grow up? I know! Maybe I'll be an ice cream man!"
N: "Yeah! And me too!"
S: "Yeah! And me!"

Phew! Glad we've got that all figured out.

song: Ice Cream Man • artist: Tom Waits

Button It

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You Can Call Me Al

There's a new mouse in the house. I know because I put it there.
It's a pet mouse - the kind of mouse you don't allow the cat to harass.
"Not the mice in the cage, Leo; it's the other mice we want you to catch."
Talk about a confusing double standard.
This mouse takes the place of Gomff, who passed away last month after developing a tumor.
What? You may ask do you do when your son's mouse develops a tumor?
You take it to the vet (of course), because you said you would and you're a good mom who keeps her word whenever possible. Then you weigh the options of mouse surgery, exonerate yourself by asking the vet if you are a bad parent for not investing $300 in mouse surgery, which, the vet even admits may not be effective on a mouse tumor of relatively considerable size. "You're not." He assures.
So you bring your sick mouse home and explain to your son that sometimes there's nothing you can do. And you are sad. And he is sad. And you go out and buy special bedding at the pet store so your sick mouse can burrow into it along with her companion mouse, Martin, and be comfortable.
Now we have a new mouse and instead of asking to special order a "fancy mice" at the pet story (fancy being, from what I can see, another name for "not white"), I simply go in and ask for one of the white mice - otherwise known as "feeder mice," because their usual fate is being fed to snakes and other rodent-eating pets.
When the clerks asks if the mouse will be a pet and I reply yes, he confirms what I already know - most of the mice in the cage are not likely to become pets for 10-year-old boys.
I resist the urge by buy all four mice while the clerk, who seems genuinely happy about his charge's fate, reaches into the cage and says, "who's feeling lucky?"
We named the mouse Al. Short for albino.
I feel pretty good about Al because I figure regardless of how long her little mouse life lasts - it's bound to last longer with us than it would have without us.

song: You Can Call Me Al • artist: Paul Simon

Ride the Tiger

song: Ride the Tiger • artist: Jefferson Starship

Twilight Zone

Surely you noticed the other day that I posed about my son and his earring and I did not name the post for the song Twilight Zone by Golden Earring.
This was no oversight.
For many months now I've been meaning to write a post to go with that particular song.
You see my twins have these outbursts several times a day wherein they bust out screaming for some minor infraction: he said this broom is black, but it's not it's blue! a drop of milk from my bowl of cereal has spilled on my placemat! You answered my question instead of repeating it back to me verbatim! You answered my question wrong! You didn't answer my question at all! You are paying attention to my brother instead of me! He has more macaroni in his bowl than I do! I have too much macaroni in my bowl! I am not hungry for macaroni!
It's especially frustrating when they melt down over situations they could easily solve themselves such as "my fork fell on the floor!" "you closed the bedroom door!" or "there's no lights on in the bathroom!"
So there's this walking on eggshells dance that I do as the main caregiver to twins who act completely high strung around their mother - I hear they are delightful around other people and they certainly don't pull this sh*t in their dad.
And although I know many things to avoid in order to stop a blood curdling outburst before it happens, I am still subjected to multiple freak outs per day wherein my normally delightful children turn into screaming mimis in a nanosecond.
These scenarios remind me of the Twilight Zone episode "It's a Good Life" in which there's a small town being held prisoner by a monster who is able to unleash untold misery on the townspeople for seemingly innocuous infractions such as firing up a record player, dancing, or thinking bad thoughts.
After Rod Serling is done with his prologue he introduces us to the monster who turns out to be a five-year-old boy. A five year old Billy Mumy to be specific - remember him? From Lost in Space? Of course you do.
Anyway. Back to my story.
Make no mistake - the boy is not a proverbial monster as in:
"Hi Honey, how were the kids today?"
"They were monsters, where's my glass of wine?"
No no, he's a real monster who turns towns folks who piss him off into scarecrows or jack in the boxes with the least little provocation. Needless to say the townsfolk proceed more than a little cautiously around this young feller.
They should have considered themselves lucky he wasn't a twin.

song: Twilight Zone • artist: Golden Earring.

Think

So it used to be that if you saw four people sitting on a park bench and three of them were reading books, magazine, newspapers, what have you, and the fourth was staring aimlessly off into space - we'd assume that the fourth person was a slacker and a loser with little upstairs to sustain him or her intellectually.
Now if we see four people sitting on a park bench and three of them are staring at their iPhone, smart phones, iPads, what have you, and the fourth is staring off into space - we assume that the fourth guy is intellectually superior to the three others because of his ability to be entertained without the aid of an electronic device and therefore the only one capable of sustaining deep thoughts.

song: Think • artist: Aretha Franklin

Battle of Evermore

H has a bow, a lightsaber, a sword, and a musket in his corner of the bedroom.
He's at the ready should either Robin Hood, Obi Wan Kenobi, Elrond or General Washington require his assistance.

song: Battle of Evermore • artist: Led Zepplin

Never

As the mother of four boys I never thought I'd hear this phrase uttered in my house but it was tonight so never say never:
"Mom! He won't give me back my earring!"

song: Never • artist: Heart

Wrapped around your Finger

If the silly bandz craze is over then why am I still wearing this rubber band around my wrist?

song: Wrapped around your Finger • artist: The Police

Grapefruit-Juicy Fruit

I asked my husband to buy more plums at the farmers market but they were sold out. Instead he brought home organic nectarines from the grocery store.
"The cashier rang these up as nectarines but they're plums right?"
"Nope. Nectarines."
Yesterday the farmers market was in town again so I went and bought plums myself.
H. looked at them and said: "Those are the biggest grapes I've ever seen."
"That's because they're plums."
You'd think my family had never seen fruit before.

song: Grapefruit-Juicy Fruit • artist: Jimmy Buffett

Run Joey Run

It's ironic that the Sirius 80s station reminds me of high school (class of '86), when the 70s on 7 reminds me of college since that's where I discovered the classic hits station WZLX. And the cheesier the 70s hit - the better thanks to the Lost 45.
Turntables, I hear, are making a bit of a comeback. The proof being quite a few listings on Walmart's website. Good news because my Barry Manilow records have been gathering dust in the attic for way too long.
It's funny that cassettes we can throw out (at least I have) but vinyl we hang onto as if deep down we know it's got more intrinsic value.

song: Run Joey Run • artist: David Geddes
In case you've only seen/heard it on Glee

Send in the Clowns

The phrase panem et cirenses came up twice in 24 hours in two very different books that I am reading. This being no coincidence it must be noted and commented on.
In Cheap: The High Cost of Discount Culture Ellen Ruppel Shell defines the phrase, which translates from the latin to bread and circuses, as "the art of plying citizens with pleasures to distract them from pain." In this case it seems to be all about making us think we have choices. Like when we have 75 choices in breakfast cereal but none when it comes to health care.
Mockingjay, the third installment in the Hunger Games trilogy says that panem et cirenses is a phrase coined to describe Rome - a city where "in return for full bellies and entertainment, his people had given up their political responsibilities and therefore their power." Translated to the present I think Susanne Collins is saying it's like when we pay more attention to what the Kardashians are doing that what's going on with our own 401Ks.
Woah. And I thought Bread and Circus was just a defunct natural health food chain that got swallowed up by Whole Foods.

song: Send in the Clowns • musical: A Little Night Music

Rewrite

Deb at Kicking Corners is encouraging her readers to keep scraps of paper and pencils around the house and office and in the car on which to jot down ideas when they spring to mind.
I like this idea as I'm definitely peripatetic. As soon as I sit down to write all my ideas flee.
So I carried a notebook around all day and kept it nearby while I worked my way through my to do list (wash kitchen wall, make guest bed, plant lettuce); but the stress of knowing that I was prepared should a thought arise effectively kept the ideas from flowing.
I was reminded of this little ditty though - an autograph book poem from middle school. Remember autograph books?
Can't think. 
Brain dumb.
Inspiration won't come.
Poor ink.
Bum pen.
Best wishes.
Amen.


song Rewrite • artist: Paul Simon

Bicycle Race

Finally!

song: Bicycle Race • artist: Queen

Wouldn't It be Nice?

Isn't it time we retired the milquetoast moniker "Isn't Falmouth Nice?"
Nice?
Is that the best our town leaders in the 1970s could come up with?
Nice?
Did no one have a thesaurus?
There's about 50 synonyms for nice on thesaurus.com, couldn't we update nice to something a little more colorful? I mean second-grade teachers require their eight-year-old students to use more descriptive adjectives.
The only thing worse than "Isn't Falmouth Nice?" would be adding a lame qualifier to it like "Isn't Falmouth Really Nice?"
What about some alliteration?
Isn't Falmouth Fabulous?
Isn't Falmouth Fantastic?
What's so great about being nice anyway?
Nice guys finish last.
Nice girls don't get asked out on second dates.
And as a motto it's such an easy target whenever two differing town factions are in disagreement say over wind turbines or the pledge of allegiance or the location of farmers market. Editorials and letters to the editor spring up like weeds with folks wringing their hands, and bemoaning us all to harken back to the good old days when Falmouth was so much nicer than it is now.
Isn't Falmouth Nice? isn't even a statement. It's a question. Maybe a rhetorical one but who knows? As far as we know, we don't even know IF falmouth IS nice. We're just waiting for someone to confirm our suspicions. We're that painfully shy girl at the junior high school dance who needs the acceptance of her peers in order to feel good about herself. Like the town's in need of a good dose of self-esteem.
As a town on the whole it looks as if we're insecure AND unimaginative.

song: Wouldn't It be Nice? • artist: the Beach Boys

Charlie Brown

C: "If Charlie Brown never wins a baseball game, how come his team always makes the playoffs and then loses?"
Me: "Maybe someone else is the pitcher for the winning games."
C: "Yeah, but Charlie Brown's the manager."
Me: "It's a comic strip. You may be over thinking it."

song Charlie Brown • artist: Coldplay

Surrender Dorothy

Never Surrender - Corey Hart
No Surrender - Bruce Springstein
Surrender - Cheap Trick

Which is it?

Blowin' in the Wind

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.
I say it will end with a kleenex in the eye. At least it almost happened to me.
Yes folks it's not texting while driving that you have to watch out for, or even yanking on your cell phone; blowing your nose behind is what's really dangerous.
I've been doing all sorts of things while blowing my nose lately: blowing my nose while working on the computer, blowing my nose while hanging laundry, blowing my nose while disconnecting from computerized phone calls from political pundits, blowing my nose while sitting zazen (which surely never happened to Buddha); so I'm surprised it took so long for this incident to arise.
By freak chance I was in the car alone when it happened which was a good thing because a) I couldn't take my whole family with me, and b) I couldn't be mocked by them after the fact either.
What happened was I went to blow my nose and when I lifted the tissue to blow, a corner of it poked me in the eye causing my eye to close so forcefully that a piece of the tissue got caught in my eye and tore off.
My eye started running, my arms started flailing, I couldn't see anything and I was on the highway doing 60mph. Luckily there are days when being a townie comes in handy because even half-blind and crying I could find my exit and pull over towards it all the while seeing the phantom headline in my mind - "Mother of Four Killed by Kleenex on way to Library. Family Left to Pay Overdue Fines."

song: Blowin' in the Wind • artist: Bob Dylan

Good Thing

Having a barrel of fun on vacation.

song: Good Thing • artist: Fine Young Cannibals

Urge for Going

H says that we're on an awesome vacation and that we're having twice as much fun as the twins are in Maine. "We have fishing and standing on the roof of the shed. All they have is going to the beach."
I guess it's better to leave a vacation still wanting more than to leave sick of a place.

song: Urge for Going • artist: Tom Rush

Saturday Night Special

We ate lunch at the tea room on the grounds of the lighthouse at Cape Forchu and topped it off with wedges of cheesecake in a tea cup with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry - the tiny tinker.
My eldest son noted, probably correctly, that with the exception of a slice of 13-layer cake - which was actually a mistake - he's never seen me order dessert out to eat before.
I said it was a special occasion because we were on vacation but I think it was really the appeal of alliteration.

song: Saturday Night Special • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lucky Man

C always like to tell me that everyone in his class has been Disney World, "some of them have been twice.""But how many kids get to gut fish on their vacation?" I ask.

song: Lucky Man • artist: Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Fisherman's Blues II

One summer day when I was a kid my cousin and I took two fishing poles down to the yacht club where we caught two fish (flounder) from the end of the club's dock. We brought them back, still on the lines, to her house.
"If you can't take the fish off the line don't go fishing," said my uncle sternly.
And thus ended my fishing career.
I successfully made it through six years working for a fishing magazine without having to touch a fish much less having to remove one from a hook.
But it all ended yesterday at the breakwater when I had to help my kids disengage mackerel from their fishing poles because they were catching so many that my cousin Joseph and two old-timer bystanders couldn't keep up with removing fish and unsnarling the boys' lines. In the end there were 44 fish in the bucket and only a few that got away.
Thirty-plus years later and the fish felt just as slimy as I remembered.

song: Fisherman's Blues • artist: Waterboys

Walking on the Moon

Last year when we were on our way to Nova Scotia Whitey Bulger (who went to high school with my aunt) was finally apprehended.
This year we learned about Neil Armstrong's death while staying overnight at the Holiday Inn Express in St. Johns New Brunswick.
My parents think the first time they brought me to "visit the cousins" I was a year old - 1969 - maybe it was in July, when Mr. Armstrong was walking on the moon.

song: Walking on the Moon

Home in Halifax

My grandmother was born in Canada. She was one of more than 10 siblings. A few I can still name: Leona, Agnes, Catherine - and of course my grandmother - Matilda.
My grandmother came to the states and married my grandfather, but lots of her siblings stayed put. The result of this is that there's a small town in Nova Scotia where we are related to everyone.
When he was a kid my dad was sent by my grandmother to her hometown where he would stay for the summer with his cousins.
He took my mother here on their honeymoon and brought me for the first time when I was a year old.
I can't remember 43 years back but for as far back as I can remember, this town has changed very little. Houses have been repainted, a few are gone and a handful have been built. Satellite dishes and clothes lines used to dot every lawn, the clothes lines remain but satellite seems to have given way to cable.
We used to come during April vacation when I was a kid and when I got older right after college let out in May. Sometimes I would tag along going to school with my cousins and in the evenings we would hang out in the shed listening to Duran Duran while surrounded by salted fish that was hanging up to dry.
My sister would play in the yard with neighbor kids who didn't speak English and not notice.
Now my kids come and trail after my cousin Joseph who takes them fishing and lets them climb on the roof of the same shed.
The dominant industry in town remains fishing related while hand-painted signs out in front of houses advertise the side jobs of the resourceful occupants who live in them: smoked mackerel, fire wood, fresh bread, quilts.
I am always struck by repeatedly seeing my grandmother's surname on mailboxes and street signs, in amongst the Surettes, Doucets, and Boudreaus. I feel a sense of belonging to this timeless and welcoming place.
It's true that you can't go home again but lucky for me I'll always have Wedgeport.

album: Home in Halifax • artist: Stan Rogers

Fisherman's Blues

Fish, fish, I got my wish.

song: Fisherman's Blues • artist: Waterboys

That Smell II

Yesterday's post reminded me of how I used to try and find Lynyrd Skynyrd in the cassette racks at Strawberries when I was in the 10th grade. I wanted to buy a recording of Freebird but could never find it because I thought Lynyrd Skynyrd was a persons's name, so I was forever looking under Leonard and of course I didn't know how to spell Skynyrd either.

song: That Smell • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

That Smell

Good news!
The motel H and I stayed at last year doesn't smell as weird this time around!

song: That Smell • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Vacation

Miles to Saint Johns: 475
Number of Red Bulls it took to get there: 1
Maine Turnpike: expensive
Maine Turnpike rest stops: lottery ticket magnets
Towing a Mini Cooper behind your super enormous Winnebago: misleading
My car: trailing another piece of half-torn plastic
Hotel pool: open until 11!

song: Vacation • artist: Go-Gos

Mistaken Identity

So we're watching Star Wars Episdoe II and Obi-Wan Kenobi goes off to investigate some planet that's not on the galactic map and while there goes along with it when he's mistaken for another jedi knight.
And my kids and I say -
"Hey! That's just like what happened when Aunt Sally thought Huck Finn was Tom Sawyer!"
Are there no new plot lines left?
Even in a galaxy far far away?

song: Mistaken Identity • artist: Kim Carnes

Shooting Star II

So we're in the toy store yesterday and H is trying to choose a LEGO Star Wars set and I voice my apprehension over all of them.
"it's just that they are all about fighting and battles." I say.
"But Mom, the movies ARE all about fighting and battles," he counters.
Touché.
And another thing, if the Star Wars prequels are so bad - why are the DVDs from the library always scratched up and skipping?

song: Shooting Star • artist: Bad Company

Lightening Bar Blues

It's funny when you go outside in a lightening storm to rescue your four children who are sleeping in a tent and when you get there the nine and seven year olds are both jonesing to go in tout suite but your four years olds are both still sleeping.

song: Lightening Bar Blues • artist: Arlo Guthrie

Born to Run II

So - you ran the Falmouth Road Race and you think you're pretty special?
There are many unsung heros of this race. People who are in fact mentioned (a lot) as being unsung heros, by people who don't understand the concept of an unsung hero. You've got your medical tent volunteers, the people who hand out water and set up prior to the race early Sunday morning or man the number pick up table days before the actual race. How about the people who repaint the numbers on the road a week prior to the race and always get their photo in the paper doing it? How unsung isn't that?
You want to know who the real unsung hero of the FRR is? It's me.
That's right. Me.
Not people like me - people who get their kids down to their designated race viewing spot before any of the runners have gone by and plant themselves there until the fat lady sings, or in the case of a road race, the police cruiser goes by to signal the unofficial end of the race - but me.
Me baby.
Me.
Not only do I drag my kids down to the race so they can see their dad go by even though he doesn't always see us because he's in that phantom running zone when he goes by our spot, but this year I purchased special noisemakers instead of just raiding our musical instruments bin as in past years. This allowed us not only to make more noise ourselves (it's the one day out of 365 when I encourage my children to make as much noise as possible and even join in the fray) but to include other noiseless onlookers in the festivities. In this way we single-handedly spurred on 12,000+ runners.
And for the record, I've run the FRR, and standing on the side of the road ringing a cowbell and yelling through the entire race is much harder.
I love that the runners now sport their names on their bibs. It makes my job so much easier and more personal.
"Way to go William!"
"Great job Matthew!"
"Lookin' good Susan!"
"Go Toby!"
"You, yes you! I'm talking to you!"
And did I mention the cowbell?
What runner doesn't appreciate a good cowbell?
We got lots of chants of "more cowbell!" by runners applauding our efforts.
That's what I like to see. You're out there plodding over a seven-mile course amid heat and humidity and YOU are cheering for us.
But on the other hand. Why shouldn't you?
Hell, I ended up with a good-sized scrape (blood!) on the knuckle of my middle finger due to prolonged cowbelling. Where's my medical tent?
You, you put your mind to it and you could be done in an hour and down on the ballfield pigging out on snacks. "It's like a supermarket," reported C.
Where's my finish-line smorgasbord?
Not to mention all the preface actives like watching the elite mile and participating in the Falmouth Walk, three miles in the rain on Saturday. Was it raining during Sunday's race? I think not.
But back to the race.
The waiting - as Tom Petty said - really is the hardest part.
We waited and we waited. At least you get to run.
We just stand around waiting. And if we turn away for a split second - WHAM - we miss you! So we never turn away. We wait and while we wait we cheer on the rising sea of runners until the tsunami has quelled to a mere ripple of stragglers. And still we wait to see everyone that we're expecting to see. And even after we see them we can't leave. Because those folks at the end, who are walking, they need cowbell love even more than the middle of the packers.
Plus I feel guilty packing up in front of them.
"Yes we're leaving. So long suckers. You've got two more miles to go!"
And I even had enough energy left over for the post race party at 43 Sippewissett Road.
And that's why I am the unsung hero of the 2012 FRR.
See you next year.

song: Born to Run • artist: Bruce Springsteen

Born to Run

Porta Potties for 14,000.

song: Born to Run • artist: Bruce Springsteen

Shooting Star

Don't forget the meteor shower tonight if the clouds break.
Last night H surmised that when you wish on a shooting star - "the wish goes up to God and God tells it to Santa."
"Yes." I said. "That's exactly what happens."

song: Shooting Star • artist: Bad Company

Happiness is ...

garlic.

Bicycle Race

Twice this week cyclists have waved me to pass them on curves.
Sure buddy, I'll pass you on Sippewisstt Road.
Not.
Why are bicyclists trying to kill me?

song: Bicycle Race • artist: Queen

Message in a Bottle

C and I made a ship in a bottle at the  Woods Hole Historical Society last Saturday. The workshop was advertised as taking place from 10 AM to 12:30 PM. We were the second family to leave (read that as we were the second family to finish - woohoo!) and we didn't leave until almost 2 PM.
Just for the record - putting a ship in a bottle is hard. Really hard.
You think there's some sort of trick to it like the back of the bottle comes off or the ship folds down flat and then pops up once it's inside the bottle. Alas no. There is no trick. Only a few handy tools you have to make yourself and a lot of patient perseverance.
This is hard. Really hard I thought while we struggled repeatedly to get our sails into tiny holes on the ship's deck. On the other hand I thought how lucky it was that sailors didn't have cell phones back in the day. If they had you can forget about a rich naval history full of intricate ships inside bottles, turks head knot bracelets, scrimshaw or lightship baskets. With smart phones all sailors would have to show for their months at sea would be a lot of high scores on Angry Birds.

song: Message in a Bottle • artist: the Police

Parenting is ...

being joined in the shower by four-year-old twins and a Playmobil pirate ship.

Low Budget

It's generous that the village association in Falmouth offers a free family movie night on Wednesdays at Peg Noonan Park - and I don't mean to complain - but who's picking these movies?
I didn't bring the boys in July because the movie choices were bad and the August selections aren't much better.
A Cop and a Half? Dudley Do-Right? ED? Tooth Fairy II? At least the first Tooth Fairy had parental eye-candy The Rock in the lead and a whopping 4.8 on the IMDb Richter scale. The sequel with Larry the Cable Guy only comes in at a mere 3.8. But even that beats Cop and a Half at 3.4 and Dudley Do-Right at 3.6 both of which look like Citizen Kane next to ED which, at 2.4, is the lowest score I've ever seen on IMDb where even Waterworld got a respectable 5.9.
The highest-rating movie in the bunch looks like it was the first offering, Mirror, Mirror - a retelling of Snow White starring Julia Roberts that scored a whopping 5.6 but still couldn't best Waterworld. At least I hope that's the Mirror, Mirror they showed and not the 1990 horror flick of the same name.
If you're going to go out of your way to show free movies why not make them worth viewing?
Over at Mashpee Commons, they've shown the oscar-award-winning Hugo along with Pirates of the Caribbean, Jaws (okay so maybe I wouldn't take my kids to that yet but you gotta admit, it's a good movie), and Casablanca. Even their final movie of the series, Dolphin Tale, which I've never heard of, ranked a more than acceptable 6.7 on IMDb.
Now I realize both towns are merely trying to lure you to their venues so you'll stick around and shop - or come early and shop before the flick. So maybe Falmouth has the right idea, show a really bad movie and maybe everyone will clear out of the park early thereby getting in more shopping.
Or maybe we'll all just see our free movies in Mashpee.

song: Low Budget • artist: The Kinks

Dream On

I recently finished reading a biography of the artist Salvador Dali who was far and away the Andy Warhol of his day. Or should we say Andy Warhol took his cue from Salvador Dali since the Spanish surrealist came first?
What I don't understand is, if the surrealists painted what they saw in their dreams how come there are no surrealist paintings of students taking of their coats in front of their school lockers only to realize they'd forgotten to get dressed that morning?

song: Dream On • artist: Aerosmith

Non Sequitur of the Day

H: "When I grow up I hope I'll be blind. Then I can get a dog."

Limelight

Limeade, lemonade's lesser-known cousin, has been on sale and consequently a new favorite among my kids.
I myself can't help thinking of it as the name of some fund-raising music festival started by Willie Nelson to provide support for the hard-working green citrus growers of this nation.

song: Limelight • Rush

Non Sequitur of the Day

S to N: "When you wake up tomorrow you'll be dead."

Happiness is ...

blue ribbons at the fair.



a cowboy hat and a pony.

chicks!

Tom Sawyer

Have I mentioned that following our read-out loud of Tom Sawyer I've been reading Huck Finn to the boys? I'm surprised at how well they can follow the dialect and the plot since it's written in first person from Huck's perspective. There was a chapter C fell asleep in the middle of and when I was telling him what happened, H was correcting me on all the details.
"And he gave all his money to a one-legged guy."
"He had one eye Mommy. Not one leg."
"Oh yeah. The one-eyed guy."
"Then all he had left was a dime but I can't remember what he did with that."
"He gave it to the minister in church Mommy, because the minister said if you give your money to the poor it will come back to you doubled but that didn't happen to Jim."
"Oh yeah. Right."
If you parent boys I would highly recommend Tom and Huck. The books are funny and serious. The only hard part is that unless you want to censor it, you'll find yourself repeating the N word so often you'll feel like you're in Boyz N the Hood. But there's a good discussion to be had in that too.

song: Tom Sawyer • artist: Rush

Parenting is ...

appreciating a good-looking stick and making room for it in the back of the car.

Sands of Time

Summer means spending all day in your wet bathing suit top.
And that commercial for the Cape and Islands license place that suggests you keep the sand in your shoes all year long with the purchase of a C & I license plate?
As it turns out - having sand in your shoes all day is really annoying.

song: Sands of Time • musical: Kismet

The Pajama Game

I won't say that I'm morally opposed to pajamas, but the idea that we all need an entirely different wardrobe to sleep in has always kinda stuck in my craw.
I mean isn't Victoria's Secret just that she's overcharging us?
I understand of course that we don't want to sleep in our dirty clothes, but what about a xx-large t-shirt? Some long johns?
It's dangerous I think, to wear pajamas that are too cute and comfortable. You might linger in them through breakfast. You might then think it's okay to run to the P.O. or grab a quick cup of Joe in them - no one's really going to see you right?
But where does it all lead? Once you're comfortable in jammies at the bus stop, why not at the teacher conference? Why not at parent pick up?
Pretty soon it's dinner and you're still dressed in your pjs. You've now blurred the lines between awake and asleep as if your life is just one long lucid dream not to mention what you're doing to polite society. Pretty soon we'll be flossing our teeth at our work stations and clipping our toe nails in the break room.
I was an xx-large t-shirt gal until I had kids and thought my children might be traumatized if their mom didn't wear pajamas. Lord knows I was traumatized in my youth by my dad's lack of good pajama coverage. So in addition to a few mismatched tops and bottoms from the second-hand shop, I cashed in some LL Bean bucks and invested in official summer and winter sets.
However, in light of my zen practice, I've recently come to view pajamas in a different night light. Pajamas - or at least the act of changing into them signifies the transition from daytime to nighttime (assuming you do in fact change out of them in the morning).

musical: The Pajama Game • artists: Adler and Ross

Already Gone

H is mad at me because a half-dozen moths have drowned in the dish of water I keep in on the floor my room to submerge stray fleas in.
I said I was sorry but really - can I help it if moths have become collateral damage in my war on fleas?
Is it my fault moths are stupid?
None of the other insect species currently residing in my house (and there are lots) have succumb to the lure of the water bowl.
Good thing he doesn't know about the moth I accidentally sucked up in the vacuum cleaner this morning.

song: Already Gone • artist: the Eagles

Dirty Old Town

Entering something in the youth exhibit at the county fair was kind of a requirement at our house this year so C and I went down the list looking for a category we could pull something together in quickly. Entering was a requirement you see but planning ahead not so much.
Anyway, we found a category titled "10 Things that Do Not Belong on the Beach."
"Easy," we agreed.
"We could go down to Old Silver around 6 or 7 PM." I suggested.
"I bet we could find ten things in ten minutes!"
Alas we were wrong.
We found ten things in less than two minutes.
At the end of the day Old Silver was disgusting. There was trash everywhere and what's worse - there were people still on the beach, plenty of them, all navigating their way around the trash to get down to the water.
Ugh. Who cleans that up? The lifeguards? The DPW? I assume a fleet of someones are out there at 6AM before the beach opens (no wonder we have to close the beaches it at night), no way I'd pay $20 to park there and sun myself among the remains of someone's upturned trash can.
Here are some of our shots from the night. I have to assume every night is more of the same. We did not photograph the dirty diaper, the cigarette butt, or the used prophylactic (technically that was in the beach parking lot).

song: Dirty Old Town • artist: the Pogues

Hot, Hot, Hot II

It's so hot in my house the cat's been sleeping in the bathtub.
It's so hot at the beach I can't tell if I'm rubbing sunscreen on my arms or just pushing sweat around.
It's so hot I let C, H, and a friend play on the computer for an unprecedented 90 minutes yesterday because I was too hot to redirect them or chase them outside.

song: Hot, Hot, Hot • artist: Buster Poindexter

Hot Hot Hot

It was like the cranky mommy olympics at the beach this morning.
I might have been a contender but thankfully I didn't bring home the gold.
Here are some direct quotes from the medal winners:
"No! I will not dig a hole with you. I'm going in the water, just sit on that blanket."
"Of course your hands are sandy, it's the beach! Guess you're not getting any peanut-butter crackers then."
"Get your damn shoes and come in from the raft right now or I'll come out and get you and I promise you'll be embarrassed!"

song: Hot Hot Hot • artist: Buster Poindexter

Round Here

The e-mail subject line from Parenting said, "50+ Solutions for When Kids Are Bored."
When I opened the link it said "22 Boredom-Busting Games."
Since when is 22 the new 50?
While I was counting the subheads (to make sure there really were 22) a pop-up window announced "25+ iPhone Apps Kids Love."
Yeah Right.

song: Round Here • artist: Counting Crows

Don't Bring Me Down

I've been trying harder to read other people's blogs which is difficult because I haven't often the time nor the inclination. Back when I had the chance I didn't much want to network in real time so now I don't much want to network on line.
But everyone likes comments and it take 'em to get 'em so I tried and the other day I noticed a mom-to-be posting about her pregnancy and she was vague but the post went something along the line of an apology and then the observation that she didn't want to be negative but sometimes things were hard.
It seemed weird to see her apologizing for posting something negative. She'd hardly said anything at all that really was negative - just slightly less than rosy.
I'm always being negative and using black humor, heck even my blog is black. Most mommy blogs contain polka-dot backgrounds and pastel colors and are more vibrant in appearance than my background which I suppose I could easily change except that I like black. I like stark. I don't want to offend either but I don't want to apologize for not appearing constantly Pollyannaish (does anyone even get references to Pollyanna any more?) I guess I don't have to worry, I mean I did after all call my blog The Mommy Rant, not Happy Mommy Musings or Up Up With Motherhood.
Which isn't to say it's never fun. It was fun yesterday putting on the play behind the couch and it was fun today laughing with C over our purchases at Windfall Market.

song: Don't Bring Me Down • artist: Electric Light Orchestra

Bears

Guess who wore a costume for the performance on the final day of Circus Skills camp?

song: Bears • artist: Lyle Lovett

Demolition Man

The police were out in force with lights blazing this AM investigating three downed mailboxes on Route 28A.
High crime in West Falmouth.

song: Demolition Man • artist: The Police

Send in the Clowns

C is over half way though Circus Skills camp and still he can't juggle!
When confronted, his defense was weak.
"But mom, I'm a lot better at the diabolo."
"The diabolo! Who cares about the diabolo? No one even knows what that is! What about me? What about my dream? My dream to have a son who juggles?"

song: Send in the Clowns • artist: Stephen Sondheim

Gridlock

OMG! Street fair traffic!
Haven't any of these people heard of Etsy?

song: Gridlock • artist: Warren Zevon

Down Under

At Mt. Cardigan we learned that the bottom layer of the forest - the opposite of the canopy if you will - is called litter.
I assume it was called litter before the advent of what we normally think of when we think of litter.
That means that it's entirely possible and probably likely that there are places in the woods where the litter is covered with litter.

song: Down Under • artist: Men at Work

Bark at the Moon

It's 11:50PM and every dog in the neighborhood is barking along with a few others over in Pine Bay. Must be the twilight bark a few hours late.

song: Bark at the Moon • artist: Ozzy Osbourne

Get Together

So, there are fleas on the floor of the house and spider webs in every corner.
How can we get these two together?

song: Get Together • artist: the Youngbloods

Cheap Sunglasses

song: Cheap Sunglasses • artist: ZZ Top

Parenting is …

Explaining that ABC gum belongs in the trash can, not behind the couch.
Because I guess that needs explaining.

Fat Man in the Bathtub

The good news is that the prospect of giving the cat a flea bath was interesting enough to lure my children away from the computer after their allotted 20 minutes without the usual nagging and threats.
The bad news is the cat needed a flea bath.

song: Fat Man in the Bathtub • artist: Little Feat

Born in the USA

So I made these t-shirts for the boys to wear to the fireworks.
Note the British flag on C's shirt. He's practicing being ironic in preparation for his teen years.
I was busy so I asked Ken to line them up and take a picture.
This is what he took.
ASU?
What the heck's ASU??

song: Born in the USA • artist: Bruce Springsteen

Ferry Cross the Mersey

File this one under bad tourist etiquette although I have no way of proving these folks aren't just townies like me except that I didn't actually recognize any of them.
What's up with riders and walkers on the bike path who, when they come to a road intersection, Old Dock Road, for example, wave across drivers who have come to a stop in front of the crosswalk.
I can't understand this at all. Do these people think they are doing me a favor? I'm stopped already, you might as well cross.
It's as if I were holding the door open for someone, who, when they got up to the door, suddenly decided they weren't going out after all.
This doesn't happen when two cars meet. Imagine two drivers were approaching an intersection and one was looking to make a left-hand turn and the other was going straight through. If the going straight driver were to slow down and wave the left turning driver into the intersection, the left turning driver wouldn't carelessly shake his head, smile, and wave the other driver on. Heck no! He would make that turn and be darn happy someone slowed down for him at all. This is Massachusetts after all; he could still be waiting in that intersection two days later.
Ken says I'm making a big deal out of nothing but let me just say - this doesn't happen to me every once in a while, it happens on a regular basis; almost every time I cross the bike path. Sometimes it happens more than once a day.
Ken says these walkers and bikers are probably waiting for other members of their party to catch up with them but I say that they can't be because they aren't back and off to the side of the intersection like any sane person who was waiting for friends, family, or the moss to grow.
Besides, there's a big sign in the middle of the crosswalk informing drivers that they must stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. If we have to stop - then they have to cross.
Personally I take it as something of an insult. "What? My stop wasn't good enough for you? You're waiting for a better stop to come along? A Volvo or a Prius perhaps? What if the presidential motorcade stopped? Would you cross then?
The whole thing reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf.
And we all know how well that turned out.

song: Ferry Cross the Mersey • artist: Gerry and the Pacemakers

The Stroke

Sad at having forgotten their swim diapers...

song: The Stroke • artist: Billy Squire

Kiss That Frog

song: Kiss that Frog • artist: Peter Gabriel

Don't Think Twice

H lost a tooth while we were in NH. He put it under his pillow at the lodge and the tooth fairy brought him $5 but didn't take the tooth.
"Must be so you can bring it home and show daddy," I offered.
He agreed with my reasoning and added that now he could put his tooth under his pillow at home and reap another $5.
How dumb does he think the tooth fairy is?

song: Don't Think Twice (It's Alright) • artist: Bob Dylan