Tonight on the radio I heard a song called "Text Me Merry Christmas," featuring vocals by Kristen Bell of yes, Frozen fame. Delivered without irony, the song contains the lyric "I'll be right here waiting / for my pants to start vibrating." I am weeping for humanity.
song: Text Me Merry Christmas • artist: Straight No Chaser/Kristen Bell
Channel 17. Channel 17 is the Sirius Christmas channel. I've been listening to it for five days straight. Granted I don't actually commute to work in my car. I live 10 minutes from work and I only go into the office three days a week. Still, the Christmas music channel is significant because in my youth I didn't much care for Christmas music unless it was somehow angst ridden, "Do You Know It's Christmas?" "Rebel Jesus," "Someday at Christmas." Yes that last one is from Stevie Wonder but angst ridden none-the-less.
I'd complain loudly about stations that played Christmas music before Thanksgiving (I still do), but now the difference is that somewhere around three weeks prior to Christmas I start expecting more holiday music on the radio and when I did't find it this year, I went looking.
The change is of course having kids. Having kids makes Frosty and Rudolph (and even Alvin and the Chipmunks) fun. Your kids love 'em and you can provide the lyrics. It's a perfect combination.
There are still a few songs, however, that rub me the wrong way.
Humor me while I elaborate on the first five and feel free to hum White Christmas while you read.
First off , it's downright creepy for an adult to sing, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth," it's unforgivable for them to record it. Who thinks this is a good idea? I mean how'd they loose their teeth? Barroom brawl? Dosen't Obama Care cover oral surgery? Ugh. Get off my radio you degenerate. If you're a grown man and you're milling your from teeth aka Chris Cooper in the Orchid Theif, you've probably got worse issues than the inability to wish someone a Merry Christmas.
Then there's the line in "Here Comes Santa Claus," that goes, "Santa knows that we're God's children. That makes everything right." This always seemed like a taboo melding of the secular and the non-secular. Does Santa discriminate? Does he deliver to pageans? To agnostics? To Buddhists or Taoists?
Would I like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island? A tiny Australian territory 200 miles from the coast of Java with high cliff, and a rocky coastline where the mail economic activities include mining low-grade phosphate and 75% of the population is Buddhist anyway? Think I'll pass.
Who feeds the reindeer all their hay?
Who wraps the gifts and packs the sleigh?
Who's helping Santa every day?
Mrs. Santa Claus
Who keeps his red suit looking nice?
Who does he turn to for advice?
Who gives the brownies all their spice?
Mrs. Santa Claus
Who reads the notes from girls and boys?
Turns in the orders for their toys?
Fills every heart with wonderous joy?
Mrs. Santa Claus
Excuse me but WFT does Santa do? The guy pretty much sits around for 364 days, then spends one night out driving a sleigh. He's probably collecting unemployment for the rest of the year people! Santa a deadbeat!
And lastly, I've never liked, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and now that I have kids I like it even less. What kind of messed up imagery is this? Does Santa kiss all the mommies he happens across on Christmas Eve and if he does, does Mrs. Claus know? Probably not since she's so busy doing everything for her loafing, philandering, Don Juan of a spouse. Frankly, I think Mrs. Clause needs a good lawyer. song: The Christmas Song • artist: Nat King Cole
S, who struggles with reading, read the word give today off some junk mail. Expect he read it as if it rhymed with dive. I corrected him and without missing a beat he said, "but what about the silent 'e' ?"
No wonder little kids love riding the school bus.
They get to sit next to their friends and trade Pokeman cards.
Older kids tell them bad words.
And they don't have to wear seat belts.
It's like being an outlaw.
song: Ghost Riders in the Sky • artist: The Outlaws
You kids today have it so good. When I was a kid we marched in the Christmas parade and we didn't have hand warmers. When I was a kid we marched in the Christmas parade and we didn't have a boy scout leader with a chuck wagon full of hot chocolate and mini powdered doughnut, not to mention mini marshmallows. When I has a kid all we had was a homemade torch (it was an Olympic year), wielded by my friend Aletha that went out in the parking lot of Bradlees long before the parade got underway leaving her to carry what was now effectively a tin can nailed to a stick all the way down Main Street an image which, to this day, still makes me laugh out loud.
On nights when you grimace and don't want me to kiss you good night because you don't like how my lip gloss smells (even though it smells delicious), I sneak into your room after you're asleep and kiss you good night anyway.
Black Friday, Shop Small Saturday, Cyber Monday, and now there's Give Back Tuesday. That's a lot of days dedicated to shopping in all its various forms. Why can't there be a week's worth of days dedicated to making mom's life easier? We could have Keep Quiet Saturday and Pick That Up Sunday. Followed by Leave Your Brother Alone Monday, Because I Said so Tuesday, Life Isn't Fair Wednesday, Put That Down Thursday and I'm Just Going in the Bathroom for Five Minutes, . song: Monday Morning • artist: Fleetwood Mac