Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Company Way

The bright side of your kid wetting the bed two nights in a row?
The laundromat's tv airing "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" while you wait for your sheets to wash.

song: The Company Way • musical: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Walk This Way

Missing the afternoon bus and having to drive into the school and sheepishly collect your kids from after school care: The Parental Walk of Shame.

song: Walk This Way • artist: Aerosmith

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Touch Me

setting: supermarket produce aisle
C: "Why do you have to pick up each bean one at a time? Can't you just grab a handful?
me: "I don't know, I guess it's because your grandmother picked string beans one at a time and besides - if you touch each green bean individually it means you care more. Parents who just grab a big handful obviously don't love their children."
C: big eye roll

song: Touch Me • artist: The Doors

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Can't Find My Way Home

There was a small lost child at the middle school monster bash tonight.
A helpful adult approach him and asked him who he'd come to the event with.
"My mommy."
"And what was your Mommy wearing," said the adult.
"Clothes," said the child.

song: Can't Find My Way Home • artist: Eric Clapton

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

One is the Loneliest Number

Don't you always feel sorry for the one sock out of the pair that doesn't have a hole in it?
It usually gets thrown out with its mate, a perfectly good sock, struck down in its prime.
It seems kinda barbaric.
Like those Egyptian pharaoh's whose entire court would be sacrificed and buried with him upon his death. That's been debunked and relabeled as a myth by the way. But the sacrificial second sock? A sad practice that's all too real.

song: One is the Loneliest Number • artist: Three Dog Night

Sunday, October 04, 2015

I Won't Grow Up

H: "Mommy, you know how in Peter Pan the kids all live in Never, Never Land where they don't have to grow up? I think the opposite of that must be Ever, Ever Land where everyone is a grown up all the time."
Me: "Sounds awful. I'm pretty sure I live there."

song: I Won't Grow Up • musical: Peter Pan

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Crash Into Me

me: "I know it's hard when you're not feeling well but if you have to throw up in bed, it's better if you just throw up in the middle of the bed than lean over the edge and throw up on your bed, your brother's bottom bunk, and the floor. Understand?"
him: "I think so."
It's just like the Titanic, if only they had hit the iceberg head on rather that ripping a big gash along side the ship in an effort to avoid the collision - the overall damage would have been so much less.

song: Crash Into Me • artist: Dave Matthews Band

The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man

Note to new parents, one day your child will enter the Guinness Book of World Records stage. Yes, this is a real stage, mark the section in the library, it will save you money when your child comes home with the Scholastic flyer and wants to order the 2016 edition (how the hell can it be out when it's still 2015?)
Likely the Guinness Book of World Records stage will be entered by your child just after the jokes and riddles stage, which, frustratingly, he or she will enter just before they actually learn how to read.

song: The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man • artist: Marcia Ball