Kandi

The internet is rife with articles listing creative ways to rid oneself of excess Halloween candy. What a bizarre holiday Halloween is. We dress up our children and send them out to beg for food that we don't want them to have. Why not send them out to score stuff we need? I could use some chili powder. And I'm almost out of barley. Oh and Post-It Notes, I could definitely use some Post-It Notes. But alas no - it's candy and likely to remain candy for at least the foreseeable future. As we now have enough candy to choke a moose (assuming you could get the moose to eat it), I've been reading the ideas and giving them some serious thought.
Some of the suggestions, such as freezing the candy and adding it to milk shakes, are clever. Some, like keeping a stash in your purse to bribe your children with, are not. If I tried to keep candy in my purse I'd just end up with melted misshapen candy bars at the bottom of my bag - not too tempting as bribe material.
Exploding candy in the microwave sounded fun but it had to be marshmallow-based candy and I don't know about you but my kids didn't get a lot of Halloween peeps.
Last year I bought some of C's candy back from him. I didn't see this idea on the list though there was a suggestion of having your children leave their bag of candy on the doorstep before bed where the "Halloween Angel" will find it and exchange it for a gift. Interesting concept but it doesn't answer the question of what to do with excess candy - it merely answers the question of how to get the candy away from your kids - unless of course the Halloween Angel is real...
Then there were some cool science experiment suggestions, exploding Mentos and glow in the dark wintergreen lifesavers for example, but like the marshmallow peeps the suggestions were too candy specific - who gets lifesavers and Mentos in their Halloween loot?
So I've come up with my own list of suggestions. What the heck. I have candy. I'm qualified. Feel free to forward the list to your less-creative friends, relations, and enemies.
1. String it up and use it for garland on your Christmas tree 'cause nothing says Merry Christmas like a tree trimmed in Twix bars. (Mmmmmm. Twix bars)
2. Box it up and send it to that annoying former classmate who just bragged on Facebook that she still fits into her prom dress.
3. Bring it to Staples and see if you can barter it for school supplies for your kid's classroom.
4. Lay it all in the driveway and run it over with the mini van. Your kids will think this is really cool.
5. Feed the M&Ms to your boyfriend's pet beagle.
6. Eat all the candy yourself and tell the kids the house was robbed. This is also a good way to get rid of any toys that you despise as well as the ripped Bermuda jacked your husband can't seem to part with.
7. Tell the kids the tin peddler came to town, just like in Farmer Boy and you traded their candy for three new dippers, a skimmer, and a strainer.
8. Create a found art sculpture with it and explain to the critics that it's a social commentary on the personal excess that defines our country.
9. Throw it in the front yard of any house that hasn't yet taken down all its political campaign signs.
10. Stick it under your mattress and feed it to the bed bugs.

song: Kandi • artist: One Eskimo

Jailhouse Rock

song: Jailhouse Rock • artist: Elivs Presley

Monster Mash

The great white mummy sneaks up on Captain Ahab.
H: "How come on Halloween mommies can be boys?"
Mommy: "Your brother is a mummy. Not a mommy."
C: "How come they call them Sweedish Fish?
Mommy: "I don't know. Stop eating candy."

song: Monster Mash • artist: Bobby "Boris" Picket

All I Want Is You II

An older gentleman insisted I go through the door to the polling station ahead of him this morning. "You're prettier than I am," he said.
I told him it was too bad he wasn't running for something because he'd have my vote.

song: All I Want Is You • artist: U2

What It Takes

You want my vote? Take all the $$ being spent on campaign advertising and give it to my sons' elementary school so I can stop buying crayons, hand sanitizer and paper towels.
Then I'll vote for you.

song: What It Takes • artist: Aerosmith

Straight Shooter

Captain Ahab takes aim.

song: Straight Shooter • artist: The Mamas and the Papas

Look Out Any Window

As if having to duck Jehovah's Witnesses weren't enough now I have to look out for door-to-door political canvassing. For the record, I didn't ignore that woman who came to the door today - I just chose to take out the compost when I saw her headed towards the house.
This election just needs to be over.

song: Look Out Any Window • artist: Bruce Hornsby

When the World in Running Down

The twins like to pull the rubber tires off their model cars leaving them looking as if they are junk yard vehicles about to be sold for parts. Or in the case of this police cruiser - like they've been parked for too long in a bad neighborhood.

song: When the World in Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around • artist: The Police

Love in the Library

Yesterday C asked if someday we could spend the whole day at the library so that when he finished one book, "I could just get another one."
He's more of a geek than I could have ever hoped for!

song: Love in the Library • artist: Jimmy Buffett

Hot Potato

Finally! C has a loose tooth.
Looks like he might not be the 40-year-old virgin after all.

song: Hot Potato • artist: The Wiggles

The Entertainer

Who knew that the greatest thing since sliced bread would turn out to be air-popped popcorn?
It's the snack that entertains.

song: The Entertainer • artist: Billy Joel

Clampdown

The only problem with purchasing the majority of your child's wardrobe at rummage sales and thrift shops is that they will inevitably end up with a closet full of red pants and orange shirts.

song: Clampdown • artist: The Clash

Add it Up II

I made a second grader cry during math games last week. Well, I didn't make her cry; really, the math game itself made her cry. I'll be the only elementary school volunteer who gets asked not to come back. "Just send in your Kleenex and  peanut-free snack donations Mrs. Briana-Gartner but for the love of our children, please stay home."
I also made a kid cry my first week volunteering in the kindergarten class. It was my own kid though, and he cried because he thought he was going to get to go home with me (at 11AM). So that doesn't really count.
Later, during that same volunteering stint, I wowed a group of seven year olds, not with my addition and subtraction prowess - but with my ability to make a bridge when shuffling cards.
I'll take it where I can get it.

song: Add it Up • artist: Violent Femmes

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

Sara Maria says that cod liver oil helps boost brain power and since I haven't increased my brain power since I was 12 and used to take that multiple choice quiz in Reader's Digest Magazine - no wait - that was How To Increase Your Word Power. In that case I haven't tried to increase my brain power ever. At any rate I thought I'd give it a go.
All the bottles of cod liver oil at Amber Wave touted their product for easing the pain of achy joints, none mentioned brain power. Well, whatever, I've got achy joints too and the largest bottle was only $8 so I decided to get some anyway but the woman ahead of me in line kept hemming and hawing over her purchases and changing her mind and making the sales clerk pour her endless bags of some type of white powdery substance, "one bag, no wait, how much is it? What? Oh okay, another bag then."
Then she started rummaging for her credit card and it was already after 4:30 and I couldn't take it any more so I put the cod liver oil back and fled.
What I really need is a second dose of St. John's Wart to help be deal with the crazy, indecisive people in line ahead of me at the health food store.
That and more chocolate.

song: Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind? • artist: Lovin' Spoonful

Up All Night

Anyone got experience with white mice? I've heard that rats make good pets but C is enamored with mice.

song: Up All Night • artist: Boomtown Rats

The Unicorn Song

OMG and speaking of the "Unicorn Song" - did you know that was written by Shel Silverstein? Mr. Silverstein also penned "Cover of the Rolling Stone," "The Boa Constrictor Song" (you know, "I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor..."), and The Johnny Cash hit, "A Boy Named Sue;" but the "Unicorn Song" I just figured was one of those folk songs passed down from generation to generation - like the rest of them there Irish tunes that get belted out on St. Patrick's Day by Liam himself.
You know, like maybe it was written by Noah - himself.

song: The Unicorn Song • artist: Shel Silverstein

Guitar Man

My good friend Gene Bourque is once again offering guitar lessons out of his home studio in West Falmouth.  He taught me to strum a few chords so it's a sure bet he can teach you something.
Maybe there will be a track club duet in the future featuring Bob Richards and myself. Hope Bob knows the Unicorn Song.

song: Guitar Man • artist: Bread

One Bad Apple

Question: If my children pick apples in the rain, do I still have to wash the apples off before packing them in their lunch boxes?

song: One Bad Apple • artist: The Osmonds

Celebration

What a great day! Not only was yesterday my anniversary (these go to eleven), but the diner that has been sitting vacant at the Otis rotary is finally open for business.
Two reasons to celebrate.

song: Celebration • artist: Kool and the Gang

If I Were A Rich Man

In the old days rich folks puddled their drapery fabrics on the floor in an opulent display of wealth which translated into "look at me, I'm so wealthy I ooze velvet." The modern day equivalent of puddling might be people who put out their returnable bottles and cans along with their regular recycling as if to say, "look at me, I don't need no stinkin' nickel."
There's a lot of puddling going on over in Pine Bay. I might have to hitch a wagon to my bicycle.

song: If I Were A Rich Man • musical: Fiddler on the Roof