Purple Haze

Harold and the Purple Crayon has long been one of my favorite children's books. It's got simple line drawings and great text full of clever double entendre such as "Harold made his bed," and "he drew up the covers."
But tonight, maybe thanks to an extra glass of wine before story time, the whole Harold and the Purple Crayon-thing seemed like a bad acid trip. Not that I've ever been on an acid trip, bad or otherwise. Harold and his shaky hand drawing that ocean that almost swallows him up. Harold climbing the mountain which has no other side and then falling into nothingness. Can't you just hear Cheech and Chong in the background going, "Far Out Man!"
If that were the case though, Harold and the Purple Crayon would have to be a stoner book. And it could be that too - Harold draws himself a substantial snack, and his two friends are a "very hungry moose" and a "deserving porcupine."
Even the purple crayon seems psychedelic. It would be a whole different story if he'd of had a blue crayon.
I wonder if Harold and the Purple Crayon was written in the same year that Curious George sniffed ether after his ill-fated window-washing job.

song: Purple Haze • artist: Jimmy Hendrix

She's So Cold

Being a parent means not being able to find your car keys half the time but knowing exactly where the big magnifying glass is; which was useful this morning in checking out the frost on the grass and leaves.
We put one particularly good leaf specimen in our freezer. It's in there with the snowball, and the dead frog.

song: She's So Cold • artist: Rolling Stones

Tonight's The Night

Springing forward: the best hour of sleep I ever lost.

song: Tonight's The Night • artist: Rod Stewart

Time Stand Still

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson #7

If you suddenly look up and the clock reads 3:45 and you have to be at the bus stop at 3:55 lest your children be taken back to the elementary school leaving you to look like crap mom when you have to drive in and walk down the hall of shame to pick them up at extended day, inevitably as soon as you shove your twins into their boots and coats one of them will inform you that he's got a "dirty deedee."
Crap!

song: Time Stand Still • artist: Rush

Christmas Don't Be Late

This is what it's come down to. Tonight we baited a have-a-heart trap with a dirty diaper in hopes of catching the chipmunk who's been getting into the house. We think it's a chipmunk at least though H offered, hopefully, that it could be a leprechaun.
The boys and I went walking in Beebe Woods yesterday. It was the first 60-degree day of 2011 so naturally the trails were awash in families, dog walkers, joggers, and mountain bikers. Not too far from the big rock, S and N decided that they had to go to the bathroom so I had no alternative but to hustle them 10 feet off the path and aim them towards a convenient tree. No less than a dozen people walked by while they were doing their thing and I was left performing the what-can-you-do shrug and flashing a half smile that conveyed, "it's out of my hands."
Further along, also 10 feet off the path, H announced that there's dog poop and someone should have brought a bag for it.
I tried to explain that poop 10 feet off the path is fine right where it is and doesn't need to be in a plastic bag.
I felt like adding that when I was a kid nobody collected their pet's waste in plastic bags and that whenever you went outside there was an ever-present danger of stepping into poop and that you just had to live with that kind of peril day in and day out. And eventually you did step in poop and the adults in your life told you it wasn't a big deal and that in fact it "builds character" and to go wipe you Keds on some leaves in the backyard before getting into the car.
Expect for at our house, were we just might use your dirty shoe in the chipmunk trap.

song: Christmas Don't Be Late • artist: Alvin & the Chipmunks

Because The Night

Some people put their clothes into a laundry basket at the end of the day, pile them in the hall, or, if they aren't that dirty, fold them neatly and place them atop their blanket chest.
Not exhausted mothers. At least not this one.
I prefer to step out of my clothes and leave them puddled directly at the head of my bed as if instead of disrobing and climbing into bed, I simply melted into the floor, wicked-witch-of-the-west style, leaving the days duds behind.
"You cursed brats! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought good little children like you could sap all my beautiful energy? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh! ... to bed."

song: Because The Night • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Charlie Brown

There are many other Peanuts specials besides "A Charlie Brown Christmas." There's "It's Arbor Day Charlie Brown," "You're In Love Charlie Brown," and "It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown," just to name a few. Most of these, with the possible exception of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," are nowhere near as good as the classic Christmas tale of the round-headed kid and the tiny Christmas tree.
But despite their failings, they all remain true to one central theme. Charlie Brown always comes up the loser. He never kicks the football. He never gets his kite in the air. He, and we, think that it's going to happen - we're used to the happy ending - but for Charlie Brown there's no feel-good final inning in which his baseball team pulls it out at the last minute - no miracle on ice, no comeback kid, no field of dreams.
Charlie Brown brings a briefcase to school and doesn't get one single valentine. He gets rocks for Halloween. When it's his turn, the Easter Beagle runs out of eggs. Charlie Brown is more lifelike that any Disney character and his story is more like reality than any of those pull-it-out-at-the-last-minute tales, even the true ones. Charlie Brown doesn't even seem to have the comfort of involved and understanding parents; and look - he's already in therapy.
Charlie Brown's chronicles drive home the point that life is not fair. It's not just that Charlie Brown lacks talent. When it comes to that darn football kick - it's Lucy who screws him every time. He can't catch a break. In "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," our hero's team looses the homecoming game by one point because of a missed kick which was thwarted by Lucy - who must be some sort of double agent for the other team. Later in the locker room after the game the whole team comes over to berate Charlie Brown, led by team captain Peppermint Patty. No building up our hero. No saying, "we know you did your best, we'll get them next time." Even Lucy, who's really to blame, instead of apologizing, gives him the what for. "It's just not fair," you want to yell at your television, but I guess that's the point.
Life is more like Charlie Brown's football game than Breaking Away or Ice Castles or any of those other movies in which underdogs overcome the odds to make it to the big time.
And yet Charlie Brown keeps on going. Like the biblical Job, he rarely curses his fate. And in "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," he does get to kiss the little red-headed girl of his dreams. Proving what Tom Petty has known all along, "even the losers, get lucky sometimes."
Good news for the rest of us.

song: Charlie Brown • artist: The Coasters

Your Profile: A Found [Facebook] Poem

Working on a new segment.
Charlie Sheen
Is thinking.
Glad to be home.
Chocolate Yumaliciousness!
I better have a speed pass into heaven.
They bust their asses.
There are two kinds of sorry.
Charlie Sheen
Here is your Sunday back.
I did it!
Amazing wedding this weekend.
Happy Monday!
All done with the first grade science project.
Driving into work this morning wishing I would win powerball.
Will spring weather ever arrive?
I just hate it when I'm upstairs...but the chocolate is downstairs.
I love my new Kindle.
I think our garbage cans blew away!
Charlie Sheen

Spinning Wheel

Hanging out in a sauna in a Maine blizzard.
Feeling healthy in a sweaty kind of way.

song: Spinning Wheel * artist: Blood, Sweat and Tears

The Sweetest Thing

If I have to institute a candy buy back program with my children after Valentine's Day and assuming other parents have to do the same, why don't we cut out the middleman and have our kids give each other money to begin with?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: Juice Newton

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

A modern-day riff on the parable of the lost sheep.
When a three year old has a bowl full of macaroni and one piece of macaroni drops on the floor said three year old will leave all the other macaroni still in the bowl and go in search of the one he has lost. He will search and search until that piece of macaroni is finally found else he will scream for his mother who will search and search until that piece of macaroni is found.
Then the three year old will take the dirty macaroni, again ignoring the bowl full of clean macaroni, and insist on eating it.

song: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For • artist: U2

Fat Babies

I pity the kid who just gave out a Valentine's Day card 'cause nothin' says I love you like a sh*t load of candy.

song: Fat Babies • artist: Lyle Lovett

Mad World

Isn't "pregnant woman" a redundant phrase? I mean I guess it could be a pregnant sheep or cow or alligator - but taken in the context of the article I'm writing, which is about pillows, it's obvious I'm talking about people - people who can get pregnant.
It seems funny that pregnant is an adjective. Just another descriptive word like squishy or smelly.
As you can see we've been playing a lot of Mad Libs at our house.

song: Mad World • artist: Gary Jules

You're A Mean One Mr Grinch

When I have to wrench sippy cups out of the clenched fists of my sleeping twins I feel like the Grinch stuffing the Who's Christmas tree up the chimney and swiping Who Hash from the fridge. Of course I shouldn't let them go to bed with sippy cups in the first place - sippy cups filled with milk no less which I've been told is especially bad for developing teeth.
So I guess that the mere fact that they are in bed with sippy cups that are in need of gentle wrenching makes me, by definition, not a Grinch. Or at the very least an over-indulgent Grinch.

song: You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch • artist: Thurle Ravenscroft

Green Shirt

H has already chosen and laid out the shirt he's wearing over to Sam's house tomorrow.
Guess that's why they call it a play date.

song: Green Shirt • artist: Elvis Costello

Sweetest Thing

The Cat in the Hat ain't got nothin' on me. Last night I stood in the bathroom and simultaneously brushed my teeth, read True Grit, and practiced my shimmy. Multi-tasking is my middle name.
I don't understand why, if we're suppose to be encouraging our children to develop healthy eating habits at an early age, everything comes in bubble gum flavor. There's bubble gum-flavored Children's Tylanol and Bubble-gum flavored children's toothpaste.
Toothpaste? Really? Dentists don't want kids to chew gum (unless of course it's Dentyne) but brushing your teeth with it is okay.
I know it's all just artificial flavoring but what ever happened to grape and cherry?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: U2

Sticky Fingers

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson#6

If I am not supposed to stick my fingers up my nose, how come they fit up there so well?

album: Sticky Fingers • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Mountain

Standing on the top of Mt. Wachusett, while more skilled skiers took photos and enjoyed the view, I pondered how on earth I was ever going to get down the mountain without maiming myself and whether it would be more embarrassing for C to look up from his ski lesson and see his mother crawling down from 2,000 feet up or being ferried down by ski patrol.
In the end I made it down - on skis - and marveled again at a child's ability to force a parent out of their comfort zone.

song: The Mountain • artist: Levon Helm

Dream On

How about the movie Inception? A 9 out of 10 on the IMBd (Citizen Kane got an 8.6)? This must be a case of everyone turning in rave reviews because they don't want to admit they didn't understand what the heck was going on. The old emperor has no clothes on response again.
I just love the emperor has no clothes analogy.
The emperor must be one of my twins.

song: Dream On • artist: Aerosmith

Slippery When Wet

You know your life is boring when your husband takes your four kids for the whole day and all you can think of to do is go buy socks. And frankly, you're really excited about having new socks.
Whatdayaknow? Ken's 4-runner has a dashboard indicator light that lets the driver know when they are sliding on ice.
As if I couldn't tell.

album: Slippery When Wet • artist: Bon Jovi