Suddenly I See

me: "So did you learn anything new at school today?"
him: "No. Nothing. I got dumber."
Apparently second grade is when they teach sarcasm

song: Suddenly I See • artist:  KT Tunstall

I'm Eighteen

Putting things in perspective.
If Bernie gets elected and then runs for a second term, C will be able to vote for him.

song: I'm Eighteen • artist: Alice Cooper

I Can't Thank You Enough

My cat should go into the home organizing business.
Clean my nightstand by knocking everything onto the floor?
Thanks Leo!
Why didn't I think of that?

song: I Can't Thank You Enough • artist: Carly Simon

Happy Birthday Blues

It was 50 degrees on my birthday, which can't be good. There are fruit files in the kitchen in February and the day lily shoots are six inches tall in the front yard.
But who can worry about climate change when they've got the all-Billy Joel channel on satellite radio and new episodes of X-Files on TV?
Way to obfuscate the issues America.
As if FB weren't enough of a distraction.

song: Happy Birthday Blues • artist: BB King

Magnet and Steel

This week I found out that sticking your credit card in your vest pocket with your kids' magnets really will muck up the card's magnetic strip. Not an old wive's tale. Just so you know.
I also found out that the only thing more annoying that having your credit card get ruined by magnets is to have to explain in advance to the gas station attendant that your card is perfectly valid but won't scan. And then to explain why. And then to have the attendant look at you askance, like you're a crazy old lady, a crazy old shyster lady, and then go off and try to swipe your card through the machine anyway.
Which leads, because she swiped it several times before giving up, to your credit card's fraud detection agency being alerted to suspicious activity and calling to make sure that really was you purchasing $35 bucks worth of gas. And you think $35 bucks? It only took $35 bucks to fill up my tank? Woah.
Which makes you forget all about the magnets and the credit card.

song: Magnet and Steel • artist: Walter Egan

Sweet Dreams

I asked H why he was wearing his shorts to bed under his fleece pajama bottoms and he told me that he hadn't had any bad dreams since he started wearing his shorts to bed so why mess with a good thing.
There's no come back for that kind of logic.
Rock on my short's wearing son.
Sweet dreams.

song: Sweet Dreams • artist: The Eurythmics

Major Tom

People have been posting on FB about where they were and what they were doing 30 years ago today when the space shuttle exploded. I can tell you exactly where I was - in the school library - must have been a study hall.

But what I remember most about that tragedy was that the weekend after it happened my boyfriend was home from college and we went to see Out of Africa at the Nickelodeon. After the movie we were leaving out the side exit to the back parking lot when I realized he was crying. It took me a minute to figure out he wasn't crying because (spoiler alert) Robert Redford's plane crashed, he was crying about the astronauts.

That's what I remember most about the Challenger explosion.

song: Major Tom • artist: David Bowie

I'll Never Fall in Love Again

Love Stinks   (J. Giles)
Love Hurts   (Nazareth)
Love Bites   (Def Leppard)
Ouch.

song: I'll Never Fall in Love Again • artist: Dionne Warwick

Alive and Kicking

When I was a kid things were simpler.
We had one jar. Skippy Peanut Butter.
Now we have the good peanut butter (cookies) and the cheap peanut butter (mouse traps). 
Aside from that there's the almond butter and the soy nut butter, the sunflower butter and the sesame butter.
Some go in the fridge and some do not.
You have to read the labels.

song: Alive and Kicking • artist: Simple Minds

I Was Made for Dancing

Leif Erikson sailed 1,000 miles from Greenland to North America in order to bring back timber to his tree-sparse homeland. It was a three-year journey.
My kids complain when they are asked to go to the garage to get logs for the wood stove.

song: I Was Made for Dancing • artist: Leif Garrett

Let it Grow

Seed catalogues in the mail today!
Gardner porn!

song: Let it Grow • artist: Eric Clapton

Twilight Zone

The family that watches the New Year's Twilight Zone Marathon together, gets freaked out by the ventriloquist and his creepy dummy episode together.

song: Twilight Zone • artist: Golden Earring

Santa Will Find You

Creepiest holiday song title ever.

song: Santa Will Find You • artist: Mindy Smith

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Woah. Christmas Day is almost over?
Kinda slept in this morning.
I was up late kissing Santa Claus last night.
Damn mistletoe.
Hope no one saw me.

song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus • artist: Tommie Connor

The Christmas Song

Christmas Songs for 2016
1. I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. I Wanna Adopt an Endangered Hippopotamus for Christmas
3. We Three Democratically-Elected Kings
4. Baby It's Not That Cold Outside (Thanks, Global Warming!)
5. Frosty the Snowperson
6. It's a Gluten-Free Marshmallow World
7. I'm Dreaming of an Ethnically-Diverse Christmas
8. The Nut-Free Cracker
9. You're a Mean One, Mr. Trump
10. Christmas Island: Is Under Water (Thanks, Global Warming!)
11. Oh Sustainably-Harvested Christmas Tree
12. I No Longer Wonder as I Wander (Thanks, GPS!)

song: The Christmas Song • artist: Nat King Cole

Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside

Sixty five degrees on Cape Cod on December 24?
Guess I'll be wearing my sun dress to midnight mass.

song: Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside • Lyricist: Frank Loesser

Christmas Wrapping

Speed wrapping.
Is that an Olympic sport?

song: Christmas Wrapping • artist: The Waitresses

Life in a Northern Town

I just gave $2 to the Salvation Army guy outside Stop and Shop. 

I think he told me he loved me and that I should try not to drink and drive.

Or maybe he was just mumbling to himself.

song: Life in a Northern Town • artist: The Dream Academy

Tradition

Someday my grandchildren will ask my children (probably for an elementary-school project) what were some of the holiday traditions they had when they were kids. Did you play special music or eat special foods?
And my kids will say, "Well, your grandmother used to obsessively call the local radio station trying to register for the giant stocking giveaway. Sometimes she would make us try and call in at the same time on the other cell phone."
#callernumberthreeagaindammit!!@#$#%@@#**%$

song: Tradition • musical: Fiddler on the Roof

Candy

One great thing about having kids is that you can rummage around in the back of your mini van and usually come up with some snacks.
Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!
Two of them!
Score!

song: Candy • artist: Iggy Pop