1979

Dropping off the the jack-o-lanterns at Compost With Me feels weirdly like disposing of a body. If, that is, I knew what disposing of a body felt like.

song: 1979 • artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Time in on my Side

Can I gain a daylight savings hour every night?

song: Time is on my Side • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Company Way

The bright side of your kid wetting the bed two nights in a row?
The laundromat's tv airing "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" while you wait for your sheets to wash.

song: The Company Way • musical: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Walk This Way

Missing the afternoon bus and having to drive into the school and sheepishly collect your kids from after school care: The Parental Walk of Shame.

song: Walk This Way • artist: Aerosmith

Touch Me

setting: supermarket produce aisle
C: "Why do you have to pick up each bean one at a time? Can't you just grab a handful?
me: "I don't know, I guess it's because your grandmother picked string beans one at a time and besides - if you touch each green bean individually it means you care more. Parents who just grab a big handful obviously don't love their children."
C: big eye roll

song: Touch Me • artist: The Doors

Can't Find My Way Home

There was a small lost child at the middle school monster bash tonight.
A helpful adult approach him and asked him who he'd come to the event with.
"My mommy."
"And what was your Mommy wearing," said the adult.
"Clothes," said the child.

song: Can't Find My Way Home • artist: Eric Clapton

One is the Loneliest Number

Don't you always feel sorry for the one sock out of the pair that doesn't have a hole in it?
It usually gets thrown out with its mate, a perfectly good sock, struck down in its prime.
It seems kinda barbaric.
Like those Egyptian pharaoh's whose entire court would be sacrificed and buried with him upon his death. That's been debunked and relabeled as a myth by the way. But the sacrificial second sock? A sad practice that's all too real.

song: One is the Loneliest Number • artist: Three Dog Night

I Won't Grow Up

H: "Mommy, you know how in Peter Pan the kids all live in Never, Never Land where they don't have to grow up? I think the opposite of that must be Ever, Ever Land where everyone is a grown up all the time."
Me: "Sounds awful. I'm pretty sure I live there."

song: I Won't Grow Up • musical: Peter Pan

Crash Into Me

me: "I know it's hard when you're not feeling well but if you have to throw up in bed, it's better if you just throw up in the middle of the bed than lean over the edge and throw up on your bed, your brother's bottom bunk, and the floor. Understand?"
him: "I think so."
It's just like the Titanic, if only they had hit the iceberg head on rather that ripping a big gash along side the ship in an effort to avoid the collision - the overall damage would have been so much less.

song: Crash Into Me • artist: Dave Matthews Band

The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man

Note to new parents, one day your child will enter the Guinness Book of World Records stage. Yes, this is a real stage, mark the section in the library, it will save you money when your child comes home with the Scholastic flyer and wants to order the 2016 edition (how the hell can it be out when it's still 2015?)
Likely the Guinness Book of World Records stage will be entered by your child just after the jokes and riddles stage, which, frustratingly, he or she will enter just before they actually learn how to read.

song: The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man • artist: Marcia Ball

Toothless Smile

S lost a tooth today. That's three teeth in less than a month, which would be alarming if he was 77 and not 7.

song: Toothless Smile • artist: Weird Al Yankovic

It's a Man's World

Why do they call it Scrub Daddy?

Everyone knows that it's Mommies who do all the cleaning.

Guess the manufacturer is trying to appeal to the ironic consumer.

song: It's a Man's World • artist: James Brown

Parenting is...

letting a huge moth in the house at the same time you're sweeping out the spider.

Crazy in the Night

It used to be that the town crazies biked around town and talked to themselves. Loudly.
Nowadays the town crazies bike around town talking on their cell phones. Loudly.
They might still be talking to no one.
But for better for worse they look like the rest of us.

song: Crazy in the Night • artist: Kim Carnes

Bodhisattva

So lately I've been writing down the titles to parenting books that look interesting, because pretty soon my kids will be back in school and then, instead of parenting them, I can read books about parenting them.
Anywho, I'd just like to point out to the authors of Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn't Drive Carpool and If Buddha Had Kids: Raising Children to Create a More Peaceful World, that, up, Buddha did have a kid. A son, who, along with his mom, became one of his dad's disciples.

song: Bodhisattva • artist: Steely Dan

Girlfriend

Things you don't want to hear from the backseat when you're driving the car.

H: Mommy, there are a lot of fruit flies back here.

song: Girlfriend • artist: Matthew Sweet

Stuck in the Middle with You

Apologies to my youngest (by five minutes) child whose life I have apparently ruined by suggesting he sit in the middle row of the mini van.

song: Stuck in the Middle with You • artist: Stealers Wheel

If I Had a Million Dollars

It's a shame we all can't live our lives with the optimism of children who pick up lottery tickets in parking lots because maybe, just maybe, somebody dropped a winner.

song: If I Had a Million Dollars • artist: Barenaked Ladies

Slip Sliding Away

They say that you're supposed to apply sunscreen a half hour before you go out in the sun but what they don't tell you is that if you do, you'll be quite incapacitated for that half hour.
You're still at home right? Because it's a half hour before you're going out in the son but now your hand are all greased up - you can't open the jar of jelly, your hands slip off the refrigerator door (leaving a big smear), you pick up your sunglasses and leave a greasy fingerprint on them, you can't twist the cap of the UV protection lip gloss. 
You finally make it out the door, after you wrap a towel around the door knob so you can get a grip on it, but of course now your hands are slipping and sliding on the steering wheel; so you're safe from the sun - but other drivers might not be safe from you. 

song: Slip Sliding Away • artist: Paul Simon

After Midnight

Now that it's summer I can set the alarm for 7:15 rather than 7 AM.
And folks, that's the difference between summer and winter - 15 minutes.

song: After Midnight • artist: Eric Clapson