99 Luftballoons

There were balloons at church yesterday. My first big Unitarian Universalist disappointment.
I hate balloons. And not just for environmental reasons.
I have a pathological fear of them which stems (I think) from an early memory of them popping very close to me, possible when we were in Florida. Ask anyone. They'll tell you. Yes, Joanne hates balloons. I'm a real killjoy. I would rather drink bacon grease than buy my kids helium balloons for their birthdays and since you've never seem me with a big mug o' bacon grease you can assume you've never seen any of my kids giddy over helium balloons on their birthday. Poor them. Poor me.
Like fireworks on July 4th I just can't see the point. Plus they smell gross.
Why oh why do people release a bunch of airborne litter to celebrate a wedding or graduation?
I don't want my kids to have balloons but somehow they acquire them usually from a well-meaning shop vendor or at another child's birthday; and then I have to feign empathy when they subsequently (and almost immediately) implode.
And don't get me started on that movie, "The Red Balloon." A classic? Psychiatric trauma fest is more like it.
Balloons just drive home the point that life is fleeting.
How do you want to go out? With a bang? Car accident? Drug overdose? Heart attack? Crushed by a vending machine?
Or would you rather expire slowly, like the balloon that overstays its welcome, leeks its helium, sinks to the floor and finally shrivels up. Cancer? Heart disease? Debilitating stroke?
Pick your poison. Or just stay away from the bleeding balloons and avoid the existential crisis in the first place.

song: 99 Luftballons • artist: Nena