G is for Guns

It doesn't matter if you raise your sons on a commune without electricity, 50 miles from the closest village, co-sleep and breast feed them until they are five.
One day your oldest will pick up a slice of seven-grain bread, take a bite out of the bottom right corner, and then tell you that the remaining shape is a gun. Gun? You don't even know where they learned the word.
Then they will proceed to pretend to shoot all their siblings who will all be busy fashioning their own bread artillery.
I hate the notion that boys will be boys, so I'm not going to say that being fascinated with guns is part of boy DNA - deal with it. I was horrified that my sons were interested in guns.
But horrified didn't get me anywhere. So I took a long look at what horrified me. I was okay when they wanted wooden swords and shields. I bought bows and arrows and tacked bulls eyes to bails of hay. We went to the Higgins Armory Museum. Twice. There are actual museums devoted to armory. Who knew? Mothers of sons know.
When my 10 year old was in his Moby Dick phase I let them whittle spears with his pocket knife and then pretend to hunt whales in the front yard - un-politically correct as it was.
It's only guns that I have a problem with. And not all guns. I bought muskets in Lexington after we watched the Revolutionary War reenactment. I'm even okay with guns that shoot rubber bands. And guns made of bread. And guns made of Legos. And sticks that look like guns.
It's hand guns. Toy guns that look like hand guns, even though they are made of bright green or orange plastic, those are the guns I don't want around.
I guess moms will be moms. Deal with it.

F is for Fights

If you have four sons, there will be fighting.
Some days you will attempt to teach the fine art of compromise in order to aid them in resolving their conflict peacefully but other times you won't have the energy to mediate and will instead opt to let them "fight it out." Builds character right?
You're likelihood of choosing the fight it out method will be in direct proportion to the nearness of your neighbor's house and whether or not you suspect the neighbors can hear your kids screaming.
Proximity to other people will also dictate your reaction to the five second rule which also, you'll notice, starts with the letter F.
The five second rule is a completely made up arbitrator to help a parent decide whether or not food that's fallen on the floor is still acceptable for their offspring to eat (note that food, fallen and floor all start with the letter F).
Let's be honest folks, the five second rule is a crock of sh*t. Food that falls on the floor is dirty. Period. But it's not this knowledge that dictates whether or not you let your kids eat said fallen food, rather it's the reality of whether or not you're within ear shot of your neighbors or, more importantly, other parents.
If another adult's within ear shot it's more likely you'll announce loudly, "Oh, that fell on the floor? Well you'd better not eat it. The floor's dirty and we know all about germs, right kids?"
On the other hand, if no one's looking, your kid's in the clear.
Heck, I'd eat an entire meal off the ground if it meant I didn't have to cook something myself.

E is for Excuse

Have four sons and you'll have a built in excuse for everything and anything.
Project late?
Christmas decorations still up in April?
E-mail confirmations and responses not sent out for days?
Forgot to bring an entree to the pot luck?
Not wearing pants?
No matter.
As a mother of four boys, people barely expect you to make it out of your house alive never mind actually accomplish anything.
My house was messy before I had kids - but now no one actually expects me to clean it.
People sympathize with me like I've never been sympathized with before.
"I just don't know how you do it," they say, right after you say that, frankly, you didn't get around to doing it.

Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

D is for Driving Distractions

This might be true for moms of girls as well but four kids means I have a large car - a mini van if you must know - and driving it around can be a challenge. I haven't successfully parallel parked in seven years.

Perhaps you think it's the elderly drivers that we need to watch out for - or those inexperienced newbie teenage drivers. 
It's neither. 
I'm here to tell you that it's the crazed mom behind the wheel of the mini-van that you need to look out for. When you see a mini van on the road you should steer clear of it if you value your life. You have no idea what's going on in there. Crying babies, arguing preschoolers, yogurts being spilled, CDs being fought over, library books being pitched into the "way back," and multiple requests to play "I spy," are all being juggled by some sleep-deprived parent who most likely can't remember where they are going. 

C is for Clean

They won't be and neither will your house. 
Ever.

B is for Band Aids (and Batteries)

If you are the mother of four boys you will never have enough of either.
When my kids were younger, and wearing band aids as fashion accessories, my million dollar idea was to team up with Johnson & Johnson to publish the "Boo Boo Book." A board book full of illustrations of stylized children and adults in their skivvies that came with an envelope of band aids that kids could apply to their fictional patients (or to themselves) which could easily be removed from the glossy board book pages. Maybe there'd be some coupons for more band aids in the back.
Are you listening Johnson & Johnson? 
Message me.

Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

A is for April Fools' Day

Every year around April 5 I realize I've forgotten to sign up for the A-to-Z Challenge. "That's okay," I say to myself, "I'll just start now and write 26 posts for next April." That never happens and 365 days later I find myself in the same predicament, one year older but no wiser or proactive.
Not this year.
A is for Astonished. As in I'm astonished that I remembered, and even more so that I followed through.
You don't need a theme to participate in the A-to-Z Challenge but I think that my theme for the month, as it's been for the last 7 years is "parenting your four sons."
A is for Astonished. As in people are often astonished to find out that I have four sons, like it's an unsightly goiter or birth defect, "OMG, you have four sons?! I don't know how you do it!" Well dear reader, the month of April is your chance to find out how I do it and to judge whether or not you too have what it takes to be the mother of four boys.

A is for April Fools' Day. I was just kidding about the Astonished thing.
April Fools' Day just might be my favorite holiday. Not because I'm wicked into practical jokes, they weren't on my radar until after my kids were born and my oldest was introduced to the idea in preschool, woke my husband up in the middle of the night and urged him to tamper with the sink faucet so I'd be sprayed with water in the morning.
What I love about April Fools' Day is that it's a completely straightforward holiday. The Easter Bunny doesn't play April Fools' Day jokes, neither does Santa or the leprechauns. 
Green milk in your cereal? Mommy.
Tooth paste in your Oreos? Mommy.
Jello in all your lunch containers? Mommy. 
Pants sewed together? You get the picture.
There's no backstory. No ruse to keep up. Nothing much to buy. It's just a day to have fun and goof on each other. This morning two of my sons drew a moustache on their brother who was still asleep and tried to lure me to sit down in a chair that had shaving cream on it.
I can't wait until next year.
A is for April Fools' Day.

Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

Every Day is a Winding Road

The theme of this weekend's This American Life episode was "starting from scratch." It's was a repeat that I've heard before so I guess it takes me two times through to make a connection.
Starting from scratch is what I do every day. It's the best I can do really. Better at least then rolling backwards. You make dinner - they eat dinner. You wash clothes - they wear clothes. You hang up the St. Patrick's Day decorations - it's March 18. You file a bunch of entertainment stories, it snows and everything's cancelled.
Who needs keeping up with the Jones's when you're busy keeping up with the dishes, the bathroom, the wet towels on the floor, the lunch boxes, the homework, the overdue library books, the Legos, the Playmobil, the cobwebs, the stuff that's going bad in the fridge, the influx of Skittles that come home with H from the speech teacher, the crumbs on the bottom of the toaster, the dirty mice cage, the pod casts you downloaded last week, the letter you owe Christine, and the cookies you want to make - from scratch.

song: Every Day is a Winding Road • artist: Sheryl Crow

The Old Songs

They play entirely too little Barry Manilow on Sirius's 70s on 7 station.

song: The Old Songs • artist: Barry Manilow

Ice Ice Baby

Our house is on a dirt road and in case you weren't aware, dirt roads thaw much more slowly than asphalt ones. So, when all the other roads in town are clear of snow, ours still looks like Nanook of the North might be stopping in for tea (better set aside some salted herring and crackers).

As I was walking my kids across the still-frozen tundra that is Hidden Village Road I was reminded of Oscar Wilde's story of the Selfish Giant which is a sweet little tale with a religious message underlying it that seems a bit out of place in the Oscar Wilde canon. In the story spring won't come to the selfish giant's garden because he build a wall around it and kicked the neighborhood children out.
So I am left to ponder who kicked a kid out of our road - and why didn't they kick out one of mine?

song: Ice Ice Baby • artist: Vanilla Ice

Easy Money

Today the washing machine gave me $1.25.

Kids with allowances and shallow pockets.

You gotta love it.

song: Easy Money • artist: Billy Joel

Early in the Morning

The irony for my kids, because they are at the beginning of the route, is that they can miss the bus and still be early for school.

song: Early in the Morning • artist: Vanity Fare

Don't Fear the Reaper

Today is Friday the 13th.
Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the name of the condition suffered by those who fear this date.
Dendrophobia is the fear of trees.
Lutraphobia is the fear of otters.
Syngenesophobia is fear of relatives (presumably your own).
Macrophobia is the fear of long waits.
Chronomentrophobia is the fear of clocks.
Bolshephobia is the fear of the Bolsheviks.
Aulophobia is the fear of flutes.
There are long lists of obscure and bizarre phobias but I don't see a name for my particular phobia, which is the fear of having a highway sign fall on my car as I drive under it (hey, those suckers a big!).
I think I'll name it Flat Stanleyaphobia.

song: Don't Fear the Reaper • artist: Blue Oyster Cult

Here Comes the Sun

I feel that ice is slowly melting.

song: Here Comes the Sun • artist: The Beatles

Maybe This Time

The garbage men have given up the pretense of even trying to keep to a weekly schedule. It's a crap shoot if, and when, they might be driving down our street.

They showed up out of the blue on Monday (our usual day is Friday). Most of the street had left their trash cans out for three days either because they didn't care if animals tried to tip them or more likely, because they'd frozen to the snow. But a few of the neighbors had to run behind the truck to catch it like supporting child actors chasing down the Wells Fargo wagon in the movie version the "The Music Man."

You puts your trash out and you takes your chances.

song: Maybe This Time • musical: Cabaret

Parenting is ...

when the day's only accomplishment is finding the list library book.

Everybody's Talkin'

Usually when you meet a neighbor on the street or an acquaintance at the supermarket you poke around a bit for something to say that's of actual interest, something specific to the person like how their spouse, kids or job is going. We only start talking about the weather as a last resort. When we've run out of interesting things to say. 

But we've all given up that pretense. Now we're completely unashamed to talk about the weather. To open actual conversations with it. Even my kids talk about the weather. All there is is the weather. Really. Is there anything left except for the weather? 

That four foot high mound of dirty snow outside the garage is no longer the elephant in the room. Now it's the guest of honor.

The guest that won't leave.

song: Everybody's Talkin' • artist: Harry Nilsson

This Wheel's on Fire

Courtesy of Science Friday: Pigeon plumage. 
Say it ten times fast.

song: This Wheel's on Fire • the Byrds

Stuck in the Middle with You

It's a good feeling when you remember to bring your travel mug into the coffee shop thereby saving one paper cup and plastic lid from the landfill, but a bad feeling when your kid spills his hot chocolate on the floor and you end up using 10 napkins in order to wipe it up. #balancingthedharmawheel.

song: Stuck in the Middle with You • artist: Steelers Wheels

She Blinded Me With Science II

At the science fair you can tell the science parents from the non-science parents in a heartbeat.
The science parents are all floating through the event confidently, engaging with students, and asking meaningful questions.
The non-science parents are all clutching their cups of coffee, looking overwhelmed, and having traumatic flashbacks to 10th grade chemistry class.
If I judged the science fair I would choose the winners the same way I choose bottles of wine at Kappys, by the poster (or in the case of vino - label) design.
And as a graphic design major, I think that would be entirely appropriate.
I think the science fair, with a running time of two hours, is a good metaphor for life.
So much to see. So little time.

song: She Blinded Me With Science • artist: Thomas Dolby

She Blinded Me With Science

My kids are helping me make up for all the science fairs I didn't participate in when I was in high school.

song: She Blinded Me With Science • artist: Thomas Dolby

Slippery When Wet

It's a sorry state of affairs when three inches of fresh snow makes your road easier to walk on because it covers the six inches of solid ice that have been building up thereby providing more traction when you walk down the road to the bus stop than you've had since the end of January.
And as we sit around indoors contemplating life at -13°C we pondering the important things, like why doesn't the word snow rhyme with the word plow?

album: Slippery When Wet • artist: Bon Jovi

Somewhere Out There

When I was in college there was this amazing feeling I used to get leaving the campus and stepping off the subway in some part of the city, knowing that no one knew where I was. The idea was rather thrilling since up until that point, for the most part, people knew where I was, or at least where I was supposed to be. The feeling of being part of the crowd was liberating and mysterious. Sometimes I didn't even know where I was riding the subway to myself. Would I get off at Government Center or take the Red Line to Harvard Square? Once I rode to the end of the Green Line only to discover (disappointingly) that Lechmere was just a department store and not some specific part of the city.
Now as a species it's like we've gone completely in the other direction. Now we tell everyone where we are every moment of the day.  When we're at the movies. When we're out to eat. When we're at the coffee shop or the mall. We text and tweet and post things to Facebook that no one really reads because who cares if you're at the dentist or on a whale watch or having lunch with the queen - what we really want is to talk about themselves and what they are doing. But we all keep on with these posts. We want everyone to know where we are. We want everyone to know who we're with. There's no mystery left. Just tedium. 
As a college student I found the idea of being anonymous thrilling. Now it seems we find it terrifying.

song: Somewhere Out There • artist: Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

Back in Black II

Driving around town with a shovel and a bucket of sand in the back of the car is the new black.

song: Back in Black • artist: AC/DC

Eight Days a Week

There's nothing left for it except to start the countdown to March.
Eight more days.

song: Eight Days a Week • artist: The Beatles

Back in Black

Man in Black (Johnny Cash)
Woman in Black (Foreigner)

The two of them should get together

song: Back in Black • artist: AC/DC

Misty Mountain Hop

H and I are watching The Hobbit part 1 and I'm trying, with not much luck, to like it.
Forget the added characters, overblown plot, extra fight scenes, and lack of humor - I've read the book several times and it never occurred to me that Thorin was a muscle-bound, hunky-looking dwarf.

song: Misty Mountain Hop • artist: Led Zeppelin

The Happy Elf

Question: I read all the books and watched all the movies (two of them in the theater even) but must I watch Harry Potter movie 7 part 1 again now that H's has read all the books and is up to that movie because - spoiler alert - I don't think I can handle watching Dobby get killed again, it is by far the saddest moment of the entire series.
Even sadder is the fact that the spider plant H named Dobby seems to have died as well.

song: The Happy Elf • artist: Harry Connick, Jr.

How High's the Water Mama?

I forgot two. 
They are Johnny Cash tunes of course. Nothing's more fitting than having the man in black going in your head while you're out doing some physical labor like shoveling snow. 
If Johnny we're in my front yard I'm sure he'd ask, "How high's the snow drifts Mama?" and I'd reply, "Three feet high and rising."
I also kept hearing the refrain "Plow, Plow, Plow" sung to the tune of "Cry, Cry, Cry." 
You're gonna plow, plow, plow, and you'll plow alone. When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own. You're gonna plow, plow, plow.
But I wasn't left all alone because my kid helped shovel.
They want the money.

song: How High's the Water Mama? • artist: Johnny Cash

I Dig Rock and Roll Music

When I headed outside yesterday to start shoveling the latest freshly fallen 10 inches of snow from the driveway, I debated whether or not to bring my iPod along. I didn't and rather than listening to music (what makes for good snow shoveling music? "Working on the Chain Gang?" "Cold as Ice?"), I entertained myself by thing of how various artists would rework their songs after moving to New England. Johnny Cash would sing "Don't take your plows to town, son, leave your plows at home," Johnny Rivers would sing, "Mountain of snow," Peter, Paul and Mary would croon, "If I had a snow shovel," Barry Manilow could sing "Sh*tty Weekend in New England" (and I'd still be a member of his fan club), and then there'd be Donovon: "First there is a Driveway, then there is no Driveway, then there is."
Maybe we'd get Vicki Lawrence in for "The Night the Lights went out during a blizzard in Georgia," Aerosmith could drop by for "Big Ten Inch Record Snowfall," and Ian and Sylvia could keep "Four Strong Winds," just the way it is.

song: I Dig Rock and Roll Music • artist: Peter, Paul and Mary

Silver, Blue and Gold

What's the deal with the color navy blue?
Why doesn't navy blue man up and just become black?

song: Silver, Blue and Gold • artist: Bad Company

Board Games (a couplet)

Yathzee, Farkle, Uno, Clue
I like board games, how 'bout you?

China Girl

For a while now I've been meaning to take my kids out for Chinese food.
Even though I love my diners, I feel my kids need to branch out beyond ordering hot dogs and pancakes when we go out.
And, really, if anyone's going to introduce them to msg, it might as well be their mom right?
I've mentioned the idea to them before but it's always been met with resistance.
Last week though, I figured out a sure-fire way to sell it to my kids.
"You guys, Let's go out for Chinese food. You can order something called a pu pu platter."
"A poo poo platter? Really?"
"Yup."
"Let's go."

song: China Girl • artist: David Bowie

True Colors

Not sure I understand the rationale behind the scented marker.
Were the marker manufacturers just hanging out in the boardroom one afternoon and then one of them says, "So, we got this product, it's for kids and it's not edible. How can we make it more appealing?"
And another one say, "I know! Let's make them smell like delicious foods like lemons and strawberries and chocolate. That will ensure that kids will - try and eat them!"
And everyone says, "Brilliant!"
Not a parent in that room, I can tell you that.

song: True Colors • artist: Cyndi Lauper

Watching the Detectives

The other night I had this great zen moment while at a performance of "Arsenic and Old Lace."
When I have write a review for the paper, I always show up to the show notebook in hand and follow through by scribbling feverishly throughout the performance.
C asked my what I write about and I explained that I mostly jot down adjectives describing the performers, the set, and the costumes but that's not entirely true, I also write down dialogue because you need at least one good quote in a review.
I once sat next to another reviewer who was taking notes in just the margins of her program! It was very intimidating.
When it comes right down to it through I usually don't use much of what I write. Mentally, it just feels safer to take a lot of notes.
Anyway, there I was, scribbling away diligently during Act 2 when H accidentally elbows me, causing my pen to shoot out of my hand and disappear onto the darkness of the theater floor. This was after I also explained to C that I usually bring two pens with me to review (In case one runs out), but that tonight I'd only brought one.
"What if they both run out?" he asked, when in hindsight the question he should have asked was, "What if a kid knocks the pen out of your hand?"
So there I was, without a pen - or a back up pen. The zen moment was when I realized I couldn't take anymore notes for the future and that instead I'd better start experiencing enough of the play in the present that I'd be able to write a decent review.
All-in-all the write up went pretty well, and I think I learned an important lesson. But in the future I think I'll still bring two pens.
Even if I'm just writing notes on my program.

song: Watching the Detectives • artist: Elvis Costello

Just A Cockeyed Optimist

It's easy to tell who the optimists are in Falmouth this week.
It's all the folks who've put their trash barrels out.

song: Just A Cockeyed Optimist • musical: South Pacific

Talking in Your Sleep

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #21

Being a twin means speaking up faster than your mom at your seven-year well child visit when the doctor asks if your brother snores.
Me: I think so.
N: Yes. He snores.

Power to the People

The difference between sitting out a snowstorm with the electricity on and being in one when the power's out is like Mary Poppins vs Lord of the Flies.
Glad to be Mary Poppins this time around.

song: Power to the People • artist: John Lennon

Troubled Man

Well maybe you should get some therapy instead of just singing about it.

song: Troubled Man • artist: John Mellencamp

Walk On By

Old Beer.

How disappointing.

song: Walk On By • artist: Dionne Warwick

You Can Do Magic II

Here's what I love about the internet.
You can google "can I freeze my homemade crackers?" and you'll get like a dozen links to blog posts about how easy it is to freeze your homemade crackers usually complete with recipes, photos and maybe even a video tutorial.
Admittedly it might be overkill but it beats asking your Magic 8 Ball.

song: You Can Do Magic • artist: America

You Can Do Magic

We went to check out the new playground at Morse Pond School during last week's half day. I think everyone had fun despite it being about -3°C out.
I asked H about it at dinner.
MOM: How'd you like the new playground?
H: Great. I'll be at that school next year.
MOM: Yup.
H: For two years. Unless.
MOM: Unless what?
H: Unless I get a letter from Hogwarts when I turn 11.

song: You Can Do Magic • artist: America

Faith

Parents and grandparents who sit in the bleachers directly behind the basketball hoop at the rec center's basketball for six and seven year olds either have a lot of faith or an excellent insurance policy.
Lots of nose picking and eating it taking place on both teams during today's game. Guess no one got enough breakfast.

song: Faith • artist: George Michael

You Can't Judge a Book by the Cover

"I look like a farmer, but I'm a lover.
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover."

I don't get it - farmers can't be lovers?
And as a graphic designer I frequently judge a book by its cover. If you can't invest in a decent designer for your book cover - well that does say something about you and about your book now doesn't it?

song: You Can't Judge a Book by the Cover • artist: Bo Diddley

Parenting is ...

Giving the two stuffed bears a very gentle good night hug, kiss, and nose nuzzle, because, "they are hibernating."

Freebird

Today I read a recipe on line that called for "one free-range egg."
How exactly does an egg free range?
Does the farmer have to carry the egg outside and manually roll it around in the grass?
I can just hear the egg shouting (it's got the voice of Gilbert Gottfried), "Wheeeeee! Look Ma! I'm free ranging!"

song: Freebird • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

afternoon snack (a quatrain)

busses rumble
stomaches grumble
hungry kids
open fridge

Tainted Love

For the record I did purchase the tomato that dropped onto the supermarket floor when I was molesting the produce today.
Serves me right for buying tomatoes in January.

song: Tainted Love • artist: Soft Cell

Parenting is...

hanging up the banner even though it says, "Happy New Yaer"

The Chipmunk Christmas Song

I finally figured out why S included a hula hoop on this year's Christmas list.

song: The Chipmunk Christmas Song • artist: Alvin and the Chipmunks

A Long December

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #20

If you let six-year-old twins take a morning shower together you will get one hour of vacation-week peace in exchange for six wet towels.

song: A Long December • artist: Counting Crows

Dominick the Donkey

Me (in the car with the all-Christmas music station playing): "Hey guys! It's Dominick the Donkey!"
C: "Awesome!"
H: "Cool!"
S: "Yeah!"
N: "Where?"

song: Dominick the Donkey • artist: Lou Monty

My Favorite Things

Seriously? Rod Stewart singing "My Favorite Things?"
Sure Rod, cream colored ponies, warm woolen mittens, and snowflakes that land on your nose and eyelashes, those are a few of your favorite things…

song: My Favorite Things • artist: Oscar Hammerstein

Parenting is ...

hanging up the sign even though it says, "Marry Christmas."

Little Drummer Boy

My kids sing the Little Drummer Boy refrain as "rubbing my bum."
Which I think it kind of funny though I feel hypocritical about that since I always tell them to stop when they start in on "Jingle Bells Santa smells."
I guess it's because they made up the "rubbing my bum" refrain themselves.
I can appreciate inappropriate lyrics only if they are original.

song: Little Drummer Boy • artist: Katherine Kennicott Davis

Christmas Wrapping

For the record, I could wrap all the Christmas presents without using any tape. I just don't want to.

song: Christmas Wrapping • artist: The Waitresses

Text Me Merry Christmas

Tonight on the radio I heard a song called "Text Me Merry Christmas," featuring vocals by Kristen Bell of yes, Frozen fame.
Delivered without irony, the song contains the lyric "I'll be right here waiting / for my pants to start vibrating."
I am weeping for humanity.

song: Text Me Merry Christmas • artist: Straight No Chaser/Kristen Bell

The Christmas Song

Channel 17. 
Channel 17 is the Sirius Christmas channel. I've been listening to it for five days straight. Granted I don't actually commute to work in my car. I live 10 minutes from work and I only go into the office three days a week. Still, the Christmas music channel is significant because in my youth I didn't much care for Christmas music unless it was somehow angst ridden, "Do You Know It's Christmas?" "Rebel Jesus," "Someday at Christmas." Yes that last one is from Stevie Wonder but angst ridden none-the-less.

I'd complain loudly about stations that played Christmas music before Thanksgiving (I still do), but now the difference is that somewhere around three weeks prior to Christmas I start expecting more holiday music on the radio and when I did't find it this year, I went looking.

The change is of course having kids. Having kids makes Frosty and Rudolph (and even Alvin and the Chipmunks) fun. Your kids love 'em and you can provide the lyrics. It's a perfect combination.

There are still a few songs, however, that rub me the wrong way.

Humor me while I elaborate on the first five and feel free to hum White Christmas while you read.

First off , it's downright creepy for an adult to sing, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth," it's unforgivable for them to record it. Who thinks this is a good idea? I mean how'd they loose their teeth? Barroom brawl? Dosen't Obama Care cover oral surgery? Ugh. Get off my radio you degenerate. If you're a grown man and you're milling your from teeth aka Chris Cooper in the Orchid Theif, you've probably got worse issues than the inability to wish someone a Merry Christmas.

Then there's the line in "Here Comes Santa Claus," that goes, "Santa knows that we're God's children. That makes everything right." This always seemed like a taboo melding of the secular and the non-secular. Does Santa discriminate? Does he deliver to pageans? To agnostics? To Buddhists or Taoists?

Would I like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island? A tiny Australian territory 200 miles from the coast of Java with high cliff, and a rocky coastline where the mail economic activities include mining low-grade phosphate and 75% of the population is Buddhist anyway? Think I'll pass.

Who feeds the reindeer all their hay?

Who wraps the gifts and packs the sleigh?

Who's helping Santa every day?

Mrs. Santa Claus

Who keeps his red suit looking nice?

Who does he turn to for advice?

Who gives the brownies all their spice?

Mrs. Santa Claus

Who reads the notes from girls and boys?

Turns in the orders for their toys?

Fills every heart with wonderous joy? 

Mrs. Santa Claus

Excuse me but WFT does Santa do? The guy pretty much sits around for 364 days, then spends one night out driving a sleigh. He's probably collecting unemployment for the rest of the year people! Santa a deadbeat!

And lastly, I've never liked, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and now that I have kids I like it even less. What kind of messed up imagery is this? Does Santa kiss all the mommies he happens across on Christmas Eve and if he does, does Mrs. Claus know? Probably not since she's so busy doing everything for her loafing, philandering, Don Juan of a spouse. Frankly, I think Mrs. Clause needs a good lawyer.

song: The Christmas Song • artist: Nat King Cole

Give a Little Bit

Sometimes you gotta hate English. 

S, who struggles with reading, read the word give today off some junk mail. Expect he read it as if it rhymed with dive. I corrected him and without missing a beat he said, "but what about the silent 'e' ?" 

Yes! Of Course!? What about the silent 'e'? 

Why doesn't give rhyme with dive? 

And what's the deal with live and live?

song: Give a Little Bit • artist: Supertramp

Ghost Riders in the Sky

No wonder little kids love riding the school bus.
They get to sit next to their friends and trade Pokeman cards.
Older kids tell them bad words.
And they don't have to wear seat belts.
It's like being an outlaw.

song: Ghost Riders in the Sky • artist: The Outlaws

Parade

You kids today have it so good.
When I was a kid we marched in the Christmas parade and we didn't have hand warmers. 
When I was a kid we marched in the Christmas parade and we didn't have a boy scout leader with a chuck wagon full of hot chocolate and mini powdered doughnut, not to mention mini marshmallows.
When I has a kid all we had was a homemade torch (it was an Olympic year), wielded by my friend Aletha that went out in the parking lot of Bradlees long before the parade got underway leaving her to carry what was now effectively a tin can nailed to a stick all the way down Main Street an image which, to this day, still makes me laugh out loud.

song: Parade • artist: Roger Daltry

I Wanna Kiss You All Over

Dear Nathaniel,
On nights when you grimace and don't want me to kiss you good night because you don't like how my lip gloss smells (even though it smells delicious), I sneak into your room after you're asleep and kiss you good night anyway.
So there.
Love,
Mommy

song: I Wanna Kiss You All Over  • artist: Exile

I'm Looking Through You

Since N broke his arm three weeks ago he's gotten four x-rays.
I have to wonder how many he'd have gotten if he wasn't insured.

song: I'm Looking Through You • artist: The Beatles

Monday Morning

Black Friday, Shop Small Saturday, Cyber Monday, and now there's Give Back Tuesday.
That's a lot of days dedicated to shopping in all its various forms.
Why can't there be a week's worth of days dedicated to making mom's life easier?
We could have Keep Quiet Saturday and Pick That Up Sunday. Followed by Leave Your Brother Alone Monday, Because I Said so Tuesday, Life Isn't Fair Wednesday, Put That Down Thursday and I'm Just Going in the Bathroom for Five Minutes, .

song: Monday Morning • artist: Fleetwood Mac

Sky Pilot

Yesterday C was explaining that his friend Alex's dad is a pilot.
"What?" says S, "Alex's dad is a pirate?"
"No," we both say. "A pilot. For airplanes!"
"This is just like in the Pirates of Penzance," says C, "when the girl apprentices him to a pirate instead of to a pilot."
Yes! Obscure Gilbert and Sullivan musical reference!
I love my dorky children.

song: Sky Pilot • artist: The Animals

Back Where We Started

S and N are the most modest six year olds I've ever met. Prior to turning six they were the most modest five year olds I'd ever met.
At the beach they'd want me to close all the doors to the mini van so they could change in the car without anyone seeing them. I'd have to wrangle a compromise (so they wouldn't suffocate) by hanging towels across the open doors.
Now they don't even want the other to see them changing. Ironic because, as identical twins, they already know what the other looks like naked. 
Subsequently there's this whole song and dance routine we have to go through every morning where one of them has to cajole the other into closing his eyes or putting his head under the covers while the other changes. The threat is that if they look, the other will then go and change in the bathroom, which for some reason is unacceptable to the twin who's not getting dressed. Let's just say it's quite the ordeal.
This morning I finally got S dressed. N was still asleep so you'd think it would have been easy but there was a lot of "what ifs" as in "what if he wakes up?" "what if he's only pretending to be asleep?"
In the end we couldn't chance it so we changed in the bathroom.
By the time I had N awake and in the process of getting dressed S was back upstairs having spilled a bowl of cereal in his lap and we had to start all over again.

song: Back Where We Started • artist: The Kinks

The Christmas Song

S & N rediscovered the holiday tunes on the iPad.
The Chipmunk Christmas Song hasn't lost its appeal.

song: The Christmas Song • artist: Alvin and the Chipmunks

With or Without You

I left my phone and my "to do" list (notebook actually) at home yesterday.
After work I just drove around aimlessly and unconnected. I couldn't see what people had for dinner last night, there were no cute pictures of puppies and horses, nothing humorous or poignant from George Takei, no "I f*cking love science," reports. It was just me, adrift and alone.
It was refreshing.
Except for not having my "to do" list.
That was a bitch.

song: With or Without You • artist: U2

One Week

National Education Week was November 10-13. 
Apparently someone in Washington doesn't know how many days there are in a week.

song: One Week • artist Barenaked Ladies

Telephone Line

C knocked my glass of wine off the dining room table last night and then N dropped a book on top of my cup of tea.
My self-imposed liquid diet is not going well.
Today I found it both ironic and appropriate that the on hold music (thank you for calling SCRIP, there are 12 callers ahead of you!) was ELO's Telephone Line.

song: Telephone Line • artist: Electric Light Orchestra

Let 'Em In

I hate that awkward Sienfeld moment when you're leaving the elementary school and there's some parent waiting to be buzzed in and you want to do the polite thing and hold the door but they don't have clearance from the office to enter yet; and even though they look vaguely familiar you don't know if that's because their child was in the same 3rd grade class as yours or if it was their mug being forwarded around on FB last night under the header "level 3 sex offended moves into the school district."

song: Let 'Em In • artist: Paul McCartney and Wings

Warm Love

All Flashdance jokes aside (you know I never actually saw that movie), the leg warmer is, in my opinion, the most under appreciated and valuable article of clothing ever. Well maybe it's number two to a warm hat, but it's way up there on the list.
People ask me why I wear skirts every day and if I ever wear pants. The answer is this: have you ever seen me on a bike? Yes. Of course I wear pants. I just don't like to, that's all.
And with the addition of leg warmers and some clever layering, knowledge leftover from my figure skating days, I rarely have to don my long pants (I am even less likely to be caught in shorts).
The truth is - skirts (and dresses) are way more comfortable than pants and with pants, unless you're wearing sweatpants (and you know how I feel about sweatpants) you can't comfortably wear much underneath if it's cold out. Skirts give you lots more flexibility in the layering department. Footless tights (love 'em), warm socks, and you're good to go. Leg warmers complete the ensemble if it's really cold and your exposed calves (I am of the age where skirt lengths are always below the knee) need a little extra TLC. Leg warmers are like comfy sweater sleeves for your legs. So cozy!
Where 1980s leg warmers got it wrong was that they were marketed as a gym accessory which made no sense whatsoever. In an exercise situation they're hot and uncomfortable and don't stay up when you're jumping around, so you end up looking ridiculous with them puddled around your feet like self-inflicted cankels. In the 80s I didn't even own a pair. Instead I had these two knit unitards that were like full body leg warmers, super toasty but a bitch when you had to go to the bathroom.
So, laugh if you like, but if were up to me I'd single handedly bring them back into style. Long live the leg warmer!

song: Warm Love • artist: Van Morrison

Christmas Wrapping

Here's how I know I'm getting old.
I'd rather drink a cup of tea before bed than a glass of wine.
I still need a glass of wine for when the kids get home from school, but at bedtime? A cuppa please. And it's a wimpy decaffinated chamomile tea too.
I've also started calling salespeople who are obviously 20 years younger than me, hun. As in, "thanks hun" and "Have a nice day, hun" and "no plastic bag, hun, I brought my own."
Not only am I turning into an old person, I'm turing into an old waitress.

song: Christmas Wrapping • artist: The Waitresses

Back in Black

It warmed up yesterday while I was walking in the woods with a friend so I took off my black vest and then my black sweatshirt (I put the vest back on). I could have continued and then taken off my black long sleeve T, but I would have had to stop short of removing my black tank top.
I was like my own goth version of The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins.

song: Back in Black • artist: AD/DC

Hungry Like the Wolf

So I picked a seed (pumpkin) out of my pumpkin bread the other day - but I figure that's a good thing.
Speaking of eating, C's been chowing down non stop lately. I think I might have to write a note to his teacher explaining how he couldn't finish his homework because he spent the first two hours after school snacking, another hour in the bathroom, and then it was time for dinner.
And whenever we drive anywhere in the car he's got to bring a snack along because heaven knows he might stave to death in the eight minutes it take us to drive to town.
He brings snacks out to the car, but the snacks never make it back inside the house. Presently there's a can of peanuts and a bag of corn chips in the passenger seat corroborating this story.
If it goes on much longer we might have to start having dinner in the car since that's were all the food will be anyway.

song: Hungry Like the Wolf • artist: Duran Duran

Don't Mean Nothing

C is just a little too enthusiastic about telling me what he traded away his lunch for.

song: Don't Mean Nothing • artist: Richard Marx

Castles in the Air

I used to always think this song was about a man leaving his wife until recently I realized that he never refers to the woman as such. Probably she was just some girlfriend which makes it somehow less melancholy.
On the other hand maybe they are married. Cause who's the other person that's supposed to be listening to and then relating the message to the girl - the man's attorney?

song: Castles in the Air • artist: Don McClean

Turkey in the Straw

Spent a good portion of the weekend with H at the boy scout camp in Yarmouth for the camp's annual Turkey Shoot. Although no actual turkeys were shot I can still clearly envision my liberal, left-leaning self rolling over in its early grave.
For the record H didn't hit the target once in bb guns (he faired significantly better in archery), so I think it's safe to assume that the wild turkeys who sometimes visit our yard are safe - at least for this year.

song: Turkey in the Straw • artist: unknown

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

C has a buddy, let's call him Jack, every now and then Jack's parents call to arrange play dates. First they called to let us know what day Jack's birthday party was being planned for. "Darn," I said, C can't come because he's participating in a bocce festival - you know - bocce? It's a lawn game played by retired Italian gentlemen in their own backyards or by drunk college students at Bertucci's. 
The next time they texted to see if C could come over we were half way up Mount Washington. "Sorry, C can't come over, we're hiking Tuckerman's Ravine. Unusually good cell phone reception up here…"
Last Saturday Jack's mom texted again. 
My response?
"Sorry, C can't come over because he's in nose-bleed seats with me at Boston Garden listening to the Dalai Lama, you know, the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism?"
Next time they reach out to us and we're doing something utterly bizarre, I think I'll just say that C's washing his hair.

song: Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of • artist: U2

Object of My Affection

Sometimes I think I'd like to revisit my youth by walking to the Star Market near Fenway Park, buying a box of Swiss Cheese crackers and eating them in my dorm room in one sitting.
But I don't know if Nabisco is still even making Swiss Cheese crackers so I google it - and guess what? They aren't.
Not a big surprise really. They didn't taste much like Swiss cheese. I know this because I've never liked Swiss cheese, yet I loved those crackers.
Not only do I find that they aren't selling these crackers in the U.S. anymore, I also find a link to a FB page dedicated to convincing Nabisco to bring back the Swiss Cheese cracker and there must be some real outrage because the site got 22 likes in its first three days. Gone viral I'd say.
The best part was that the site administrator was planning a trip to Canada (for her honeymoon!) and hoped to score some boxes of the crackers (Seinfield sponge worthy episode anyone?). It turns out that the Canadian supermarket only had a box or two on their shelves, which the newlyweds went ahead and purchased (I'm picturing them eating them with champagne while looking out over Niagara Falls).
Alas, the new bride learned all to early in the relationship that life can be full of disappointments: "So I made it to Canada and found Swiss Cheese crackers," it says on the FB page, "they're not as good as I remember."
Still, she promised to post pictures.

song: Object of My Affection • artist: Shawn Colvin

Remain Silent

If question 2 had failed by a 60 / 40 margin I think I could handle it. But knowing that you don't think the same as 73% of the population - there's something unsettling about that. Like I live in some sort of alternate universe or something, and an unpopular alternative universe at that.

Forget for a minute that we don't need bottled water to begin with, we've been led like ducks to a shooting gallery to believe we do by big business; and I won't go too deeply into the fact that from my perspective, any way I looked at it, voting yes on 2 was a no brainer, either you keep buying bottled water and then there's incentive to recycle = more recycling, or you scoff at the extra nickel and start carrying around a reusable water bottle which you fill up at the communal office water cooler = less plastic bottles being made. And if you still toss your single-use water bottle on the ground at least there's a nickel's worth of incentive for someone else to pick it up and redeem it. But 73% of the population doesn't see it that way and while I guess I'm used to being in the minority, I didn't think I was that much of a loaner.
I've always believed that it's better to live within the system than to up and live off the grid, home school your children raise chickens and spin your own wool into yard but maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe those are my people after all.
It's all a little disconcerting looking into the faces of my fellow Bay Staters and wondering if someone's a 73 per center or a 27 per center. I feel like Fox Mulder - paranoid of the smoking man. I've spent the day being very depressed about question 2, forget all the actual candidates that I voted for who weren't elected either.
But hey, on the bright side. No, wait, there is no bright side. I was going to say that S hasn't pooped in his pants for 48 hours but honestly, I would rather clean poopy underwear in a world with 5¢ deposits on water bottles than live with my potty-trained child in a world without them.
song: Remain Silent • artist: Keb Mo

Message in a Bottle

Please share. I'd like to encourage all my friends in Massachusetts to vote Yes on Question 2 which would expand the bottle bill to include bottled water and sports drinks. 
If you're already planning to vote yes - that's great; if not I'd like to propose this challenge. Look out the window of your car while driving to the polls (not the whole time, we don't want any accidents) and if you see a water bottle lying by the side of the road, maybe you might reconsider that no vote. 
Expanded coverage of the bottle bill can't guarantee that all those water bottles won't wind up as litter, but according to the DEP 80% of the bottles and cans with deposits on them get recycled as opposed to only 23% of the bottles without deposits so it's certainly a step in the right direction.
Thanks!

song: Message in a Bottle • artist: The Police

Cold November Rain

We had an extra hour this morning and were still late for church.
Ironically, on this, daylight savings weekend the Sunday message was about darkness and shadows and the power was out at the church so we were, literally, in darkness and shadows. If we were Catholic we could call it divine intervention but since we're Unitarians we just called it happenstance.

song: Cold November Rain • artist: Guns 'N Roses

Good Thing

Message to a sleepy (grumpy) six year old:
Getting up at midnight to go to the bathroom is not a bad thing.
Having to change the sheets at 7:45 is.

song: Good Thing • artist: Fine Young Cannibals

After Midnight

Halloween sugar crash.
Sigh.
Some holidays just make you wish you were a Jehovah's Witness.

song: After Midnight • artist: Eric Clapton

ps. I saw this tour!

One Bad Apple

Trolled the thrift shops for months looking for a double boiler before finding the perfect one. I know you can melt chocolate in the microwave but it comes out smoother with a double boiler. So I was in domestic goddess mode this morning and I went to get it out for shortbread dipping - and then I remembered that N is wearing the bottom half of it on his head.

Curse you Johnny Appleseed!

song: One Bad Apple • artist: The Osmonds

You Go Down Smooth

I was all set to give out the fair trade dark chocolate minis that I bought at the church from the Fair Trade Committee. Did I mention that I love the Unitarian Universalist church - because they have things - like a Fair Trade Committee. But then Ken bought two bags of Kit Kat bars so I ate the chocolate minis myself.
What else could I do right?

song: You Go Down Smooth • artist: Lake Street Drive

Ruby Tuesday

Sometimes I think that all I do all day is drive my kids around - and eat chocolate.
Which, I suppose, isn't all that bad.

song: Ruby Tuesday • Rolling Stones

Before You Accuse Me

I've been deleting e-mails from "Native Exotics," assuming that it was some Native American mail order bride company - or worse - but then I realized it's the company I ordered two of my four carnivorous plants from.
Really!

song: Before You Accuse Me • artist: Eric Clapton

Candy (Everybody Wants)

At the Trick or Treat on Main Street event this afternoon the twins kept choosing the worst candy!
Not the Twizzlers! Get some Kit Kats!
No! Put down those Whoopers and grab a Snickers Bar!
Dum Dums? Are you kidding!?
Plus N wouldn't wear his saucepan on his head so no one knew he was supposed to be Johnny Appleseed. Instead he was using it to put the candy in so some people thought he was a panhandler. Which is a funny play on words, but not what I intended.
Sigh.

song: Candy Everybody Wants • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Brown Sugar

Davy Crockett, Johnny Appleseed, a cowboy, and a jester - those are this year's costume choices at our house.

When I was a kid you had to dress as something thematically associated with Halloween, or with autumn at the very least. I was a scarecrow, black cat, witch, ghost. One year my sister was an apple core, another, an ear of corn (she had a fruit and vegetable theme going or something.)

Every year I secretly yearned to be a gypsy or a hippie like every other girl in my class but I never went as far as to buck tradition.

H is being Davy Crockett. We bought a real (yes real) raccoon tail at the Fryeburg Fair and I sewed it onto an appropriately-shaped faux fur hat. The cat freaked out while I was sewing the tail, she kept trying to grab it and run off with it or at least locate the rest of the raccoon.

Anyway, the hat's done and he's got the rifle replica, really once you've got a coonskin hat, who else could you be but Davy Crockett? Costume done right? 

Not so fast. 

I wanted him to have a brown fringe shirt. He's to short for the jacket I bought in college, which would have been perfect (I guess I should dress as Davy Crockett for Halloween) so I figured I could just get a brown shirt, make my own fringe, and sew it on.

After checking thrift shops, Walmart, TJMaxx, and of course my own attic, I can safely say that brown is the least popular color for a shirt on the planet. Walmart has t-shirts and long sleeve t-shirts in every color; there's even a section of neon colors, every color but brown that is.

I looked on-line thinking I could get a brown fleece from LLBean. No brown. I googled "kids brown shirt," I got t-shirts for the Cleveland Browns. I googled "kids chocolate shirts," in case they weren't calling brown, brown any more, i.e. eggplant for purple and slate for gray, I got t-shirts with picture of Hershey kisses on them.

Authentic raccoon tail? No problem. Brown shirt? Not on your life. 

song: Brown Sugar • artist: The Rolling Stones

I'm a Boy

Why is there a box for gender on the Cub Scout Registration Form?

song: I'm a Boy • artist: The Who

Fool in the Rain

When your son wants to walk the long way back to the car even through it's drizzling, because there's a chance you might see wild turkeys - and you cave in a do it and then it starts pouring and the wild turkeys are long gone (because even a turkey is smarter than you about knowing when to get out of the rain), are you the cool mom who said yes - or just a chump? 

song: Fool in the Rain • artist: Led Zepplin

Down in the Flood

When my kids think of children who are less fortunate then themselves, they'll likely think of kids who come to Storyland in the summer and who have to (gasp!) wait in line in order to ride the bamboo shoots.

song: Down in the Flood • artist: Bob Dylan

Black Socks II

My black, cast-iron fry pan never gets dirty either.

song: Black Socks • artist: Bill Harley

Black Socks

Note to Bill Harley: Black dresses never get dirty either.

song: Black Socks • artist: Bill Harley

parenting is ...

having squashed pennies and tiny plastic swords in your wallet.

Atlantis

Atlantis. The first landmass to fall victim to global climate change.
I felt a little high in the car just listening to this song.

song: Atlantis • artist: Donovan

Little Lies

S and N are identical twins but S says he likes chocolate and N says he doesn't.
So I'm pretty sure one of them is lying.

song: Little Lies • artist: Fleetwood Mac

Barnyard Boogie

Where are the t-shirts that read, "A Goat Ate My Bookmark at the Fryeburg Fair?" Because I'm sure S isn't the only one that's happened to.
Or maybe, "My family went to the Fryeburg Fair and all I got was this lousy bookmark. And a goat ate it."
or
"Keep Calm and Hold on to Your Bookmark."

song: Barnyard Boogie • artist Ann Rabson