Walk Like An Egyptian

The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum grants anyone with the first or middle name of Isabelle free admission. I think the same should hold true for anyone named after a whaling captain who seeks admittance to a whaling museum.
And with our recent trip to the New Bedford Whaling Museum (where we did get in for free but because of a library pass not the notoriety of my son's name), thus ended the Gartner family's great New England Whaling Odyssey of 2010 which started with a children's version of Moby Dick at the public library and led to visits to the Falmouth Historical Society, the Nantucket Whaling Museum, and finally New Bedford. Go ahead, ask me about whaling. Better yet, ask H who knows more about whaling than your average 75 year old never mind your average 5 year old.
I must say though I felt a little indignant about the masthead of the Awashonks being in the New Bedford Whaling Museum's collection. Shouldn't that be in our historical society?
Perhaps that's how Egyptians feel when they view the mummies in the MFA.

song: Walk Like An Egyptian • artist: The Bangles

Be My Downfall

Our Christmas tree is now officially in danger of collapsing under the weight of all the ornaments that are hanging off it.

song: Be My Downfall • artist: Del Amitri

Seasons in the Sun

Is it really time to decorate for Christmas? Cause I haven't made a scarecrow yet and I was really planning to. In fact today I got a good scarecrow-making leaf pile going in the backyard so I'm thinking that if I just put a Santa hat on that big boy I could perhaps combine the two...

song: Seasons in the Sun • artist: Terry Jacks

Money Song

C lost two teeth at school on Tuesday. Two in one day. He's making up for lost time.
Now he's ten dollars richer and he's got this huge gaping hole in the front of his mouth.
Too bad All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth is still one of my least favorite holiday songs.

song: Money Song • artist: Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem

Years May Come, Years May Go

I was at the Commons the other day waiting to take a left turn and park behind the Gap while two women and a little  were on the crosswalk between the Gap and the post office. From the parking area this SUV came speeding towards the crosswalk, and stopped short in the middle of it causing the trio to stop, one woman pulling the child back and the other yelling at the driver.
Then the window rolled down revealing that the driver was none other than a former boss of mine - a woman I haven't seen in forever - forever being not long enough as far as I'm concerned.
As if Christmas shopping weren't hazardous enough.

song: Years May Come, Years May Go • artist: The Irish Rovers

If I Fell

Tonight I was kneeling in front of the refrigerator unloading tupperware containers full of leftovers for dinner when I realized I'd stacked them up on my skirt. I tried to scoot backwards with a tray full of roasted vegetables in one hand, stepped on the back of my skirt and nearly fell over backwards. Later in the evening my son admitted, upon cross examination, that he peed on the couch because he thought he was wearing a pull up.
I swear my life is just like a Seinfield episode except that I'm not making a million bucks an episode - and - I'm  keeping the couch.

song: If I Fell • artist: The Beatles

That's The Way I Like It

How to Cook a Turkey
by H
My dad's friend gives us our turkey. He brings it home to our house for my Mom to cook. When Mom gets the turkey, she cuts out the bones so people won't eat them. Then she takes the thing that tells her how to cook it off. Then she puts the turkey in a pan. Then Mom puts the stuffing on it. Stuffing is made of stuff, that's why they call it stuffing. Then Mom turns the stove on 10 degrees. Then she puts a cover on the pan so the water doesn't splash out and the flies don't get it. She lets the turkey cook for nine hours. The timer dings when the turkey is done. Then she lets the turkey cool off. We will have apple sauce, cranberry sauce, and Nana brings apple pie for dessert.

song: That's The Way I Like It • artist: KC & The Sunshine Band

Lift Me Up

My son the stand up comic.
"Why do they call it Parent Pick Up? I don't pick you up."

song: Lift Me Up • artist: Moby

She Bop

 OMG! The Vermont Country Store is selling vibrators!

song: She Bop • artist: Cyndi Lauper

Crooked Teeth

Finally! The tooth is out! Some assistant at the school couldn't take it anymore (I guess C spent 20 minutes in the bathroom today) and wadded up some paper towel and pulled it out for him.
The tooth took so long to come out that it made me nostalgic. I would not have labeled myself as the type of mother who gets all mushy over my children losing their teeth but first he was the only kid in his first grade class that had not lost a tooth. And then he was the only kid in the second grade. And didn't he just get that tooth? Didn't he just get all those teeth? Wasn't he 11 months old yesterday?
Then a tooth finally came loose but took a month to fall out.
I remember losing teeth his way: tooth gets loose on Monday - tooth is out on Wednesday - half dollar is spent by Friday. Poor Solomon Grundy.
The loss of that first tooth is a huge milestone for a kid. One of the first, along with riding a bike, on that long road of milestones that leads to adulthood. It's bittersweet for parents - like every milestone is - even more so when you have a month to reflect on it, and all the apples in the laundry room go bad because your son with the loose tooth refuses to bite into them.
He must have been a little nostalgic himself. He asked the tooth fairy not to take the tooth - but to still leave him some money.

song: Crooked Teeth • artist: Death Cab For Cutie

Right Place, Wrong Time

parenting tip #4637: The meal you prepare for supper will never be so appetizing as when your child eats it off the floor the following morning.

parenting tip #4891: The toddler who does not poop in his diaper all morning will unload with a colossal dump the moment you arrive at: a) the park, b) his big brother's piano lesson, c) the library, d) all of the above.
Do not forget to remove said stink bomb from your car upon arriving home.

song: Right Place, Wrong Time • artist: Dr. John

Over My Head

This one is for Alison who suggested the perfect song title.
What if someone invented sponge socks so I could just walk around my bathroom and simultaneously wash the floor?
On Monday I got out sponges and a bucket to wash down a section of wall in the kitchen that was particularly grimy. It only took a nanosecend until the twins were up to their elbows in sudsy water. Which is better than the other day when they were up to their elbows in toilet water.
Did I mention how they like to clean?

song: Over My Head • artist: Fleetwood Mac

Kandi II

The e-mail was from "Mamapedia Sweet Deals."
The subject line read "Add a Twinkle to Every Occasion."
I read it as "Add a Twinkie to Every Occasion."
I've got to get rid of the rest of the Halloween candy.

song: Kandi II • artist: One Eskimo

Linger

Just prior to putting the cranberry breads into the oven, the ones we were making to go with tomorrow's book project, he tells me, "oh, I forgot Jane is allergic to milk and eggs."
Damn.
Let's hope the class likes cranberry sauce.

song: Linger • artist: The Cranberries

Where Do The Children Play

There is a poem that ends with the verse: cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
I remember seeing these lines repeated often in cross stitch catalogues my mother used to get. At one point I wrote it down just to remind myself that that was the kind of mother I was going to be - the cool mom with the messy house but happy kids.
But what author Ruth Hulburt Hamilton doesn't allow for in her poem is an answer to the question of who is going to do the cleaning and the scrubbing. Because at some point at least rudimentary cleaning has to be done - laundry, emptying the trash, washing dishes, picking up items off the floor that could be potential choking hazards or food dropped off the dinner table that we don't want the kids to eat three days later - petrified.
The poem from whence the lines come is titled "Song for a Fifth Child" so perhaps children one through four are taking care of chores. Maybe dad is a CEO and they have a housekeeper. Maybe the mother is just one of those people who never needs sleep so she can rock her baby and then clean house at 3AM.
And then there's this nugget, also a frequent needlepoint sampler: "I hope my children look back on today and see a parent who had time to play. There will be years for cleaning and cooking. But children grow up when we're not looking."
Are there years when we don't have to clean and cook because I must have missed them. I seem to recall cleaning and cooking even when I didn't have kids.
It didn't occur to me when I jotted the verse down that if I didn't do the cleaning - who would? Maybe my future husband would but shouldn't he get a chance to rock his baby too? No, the logistics of the whole thing were definitely lost on the 12-year-old me. The me that planned to become an artist and live with my husband in a studio apartment that I fantasized looked suspiciously like our basement play room (I didn't exactly dream big).
I write this mostly in jest but this is the kind of thing that preys on the minds of mothers. Are we spending enough time with our kids? Can we spend enough time with them and still have a house that won't be condemned by the department of health and sanitation? What are outside expectations of mothers? The expectation is that you're available to make healthy meals and help your kids with their homework and you have a house that's pretty clean. Not immaculate but seriously if little Jimmy gets picked up from a play date at your filthy house it doesn't matter how much rocking (or playing) you are doing - little Jimmy's mom is going straight home to tell little Jimmy's dad about what a slob you are. Likewise if little Jimmy gets picked up from a play date at your spotless house - little Jimmy's mom is going straight home to tell little Jimmy's dad about how anal you are. And I don't mean to vilify other moms, you can substitute your neighbor, your clergyman, your friendly campaign pollster, whoever it is who makes it past your front door. Mothers (and fathers) are being judged all the time, constantly looking for that elusive balance between work and play.
But back to our two bits of prose. Here's the point that the poets miss: kids love to clean and cook so why not combine the two; you'll get bored rocking after a while anyway. If I give the twins each a sponge they are off. They clean up and down the stairs, they clean in the bathroom sink, they clean the kitchen table. They love to wipe up spills both large and small. They love to wipe up the water left on kitchen floor after it's been walked across on a rainy day (consequently they've been busy this week), they love to point out all the spider webs underneath chairs that never, ever, get cleaned up.
And as for cooking, they love to pour ingredients into bowls and they like to add eggs to batter after I've broken them open. When they get bigger they'll get to use the apple peeler and the nut grinder and maybe they'll thrill to grating cheese.
These activities keep us all in the kitchen together, I can get dinner made albeit much slower than if I didn't have so much "help" and they get a mother who has time to play and still give them meals that don't come with a prize in the box.
But then eventually there will come a day when I'll say "hey guys, want to clean the sink or ride on the vacuum cleaner?" And they'll be too interested in Legos to come running. Or worse they'll say, "sure Mom, what will you pay me?"
Those kids. They grow up so fast.

song: Where do the Children Play? • artist: Cat Stevens

Here Comes the Rain Again

Yes, I made my kids wait at the bus stop in the rain without umbrellas. But the bus driver was wearing short sleeves so let's call it even.

song: Here Comes the Rain Again • artist: Eurythmics

Holding Out for a Hero

How come all the male super heros have long-sleeved unitards, capes, and helmets but the lone female super hero has to combat crime in what amounts to a bathing suit and a few sweat bands?
How's she supposed to fend off villains while she's fighting a wedgie?

song: Holding Out for a Hero • artist: Bonnie Tyler

Tonight, Tonight

parenting tip #3,985: Don't bother putting your toddler's shoes on until you physically get to where you are going. They will only take them off in the car.

parenting tip #3,986: In adhering to the above advice, don't forget said shoes at home or your kids will be the only ones watching soccer practice in their socks.

parenting tip #3,987: Throw moldy jack-o-lanterns into compost heap while your children are in school. Prior to October 31, set carved pumpkins on plates or plywood for post-holiday ease of removal transport.

song: Tonight, Tonight • artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Beans for Breakfast

Having been given a crock pot recently I have been investigating recipes with which to best make use of this new (to me) cooking accessory. Having things cook all day is in stark contrast to my usual method of burning things quickly in a stir fry.
So far there have been two unsuccessful attempts to cook dinner and one successful Halloween mulled cider.
I particularly enjoyed these online instructions for pork chops: Cook onions in oil until lightly brown. Add other ingredients. Cover and simmer about 20 minutes. Put pork chops in crock pot and cook overnight with sauce. Serve hot.
Cook overnight? And then what? Serve them for breakfast?

song: Beans for Breakfast • artist: Johnny Cash

Box of Rain

The boys and I spent our late morning at Coonamessett Farm which makes me either the best mom on the planet for dressing my kids in their boots and rain jackets and letting them stomp through puddles, or the worst mom on the planet - for dressing my kids in their boots and rain jackets and letting them stomp through puddles.
The jury is out on which on it is. N thought it was great and happily zig zagged from puddle to puddle; S cried, refused to move from the porch of the farm stand and made me carry him the entire time.

song: Box of Rain • artist: The Grateful Dead