Kiss that Frog II

Damn!

song: Kiss that Frog • artist: Peter Gabriel

Kiss that Frog

I've made a pact with my son's one remaining frog that if I stop staring at it constantly, it won't die on me.
I'm afraid, though, that it's not going to uphold its end of the bargain.

song: Kiss that Frog • artist: Peter Gabriel

Catch the Wind

Did you know that, according to H, after you catch a leprechaun, you are supposed to squeeze him? Who knew there were instructions beyond just trying to catch one?

song: Catch the Wind • artist: Donovan

Purple Haze

Harold and the Purple Crayon has long been one of my favorite children's books. It's got simple line drawings and great text full of clever double entendre such as "Harold made his bed," and "he drew up the covers."
But tonight, maybe thanks to an extra glass of wine before story time, the whole Harold and the Purple Crayon-thing seemed like a bad acid trip. Not that I've ever been on an acid trip, bad or otherwise. Harold and his shaky hand drawing that ocean that almost swallows him up. Harold climbing the mountain which has no other side and then falling into nothingness. Can't you just hear Cheech and Chong in the background going, "Far Out Man!"
If that were the case though, Harold and the Purple Crayon would have to be a stoner book. And it could be that too - Harold draws himself a substantial snack, and his two friends are a "very hungry moose" and a "deserving porcupine."
Even the purple crayon seems psychedelic. It would be a whole different story if he'd of had a blue crayon.
I wonder if Harold and the Purple Crayon was written in the same year that Curious George sniffed ether after his ill-fated window-washing job.

song: Purple Haze • artist: Jimmy Hendrix

She's So Cold

Being a parent means not being able to find your car keys half the time but knowing exactly where the big magnifying glass is; which was useful this morning in checking out the frost on the grass and leaves.
We put one particularly good leaf specimen in our freezer. It's in there with the snowball, and the dead frog.

song: She's So Cold • artist: Rolling Stones

Tonight's The Night

Springing forward: the best hour of sleep I ever lost.

song: Tonight's The Night • artist: Rod Stewart

Time Stand Still

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson #7

If you suddenly look up and the clock reads 3:45 and you have to be at the bus stop at 3:55 lest your children be taken back to the elementary school leaving you to look like crap mom when you have to drive in and walk down the hall of shame to pick them up at extended day, inevitably as soon as you shove your twins into their boots and coats one of them will inform you that he's got a "dirty deedee."
Crap!

song: Time Stand Still • artist: Rush

Christmas Don't Be Late

This is what it's come down to. Tonight we baited a have-a-heart trap with a dirty diaper in hopes of catching the chipmunk who's been getting into the house. We think it's a chipmunk at least though H offered, hopefully, that it could be a leprechaun.
The boys and I went walking in Beebe Woods yesterday. It was the first 60-degree day of 2011 so naturally the trails were awash in families, dog walkers, joggers, and mountain bikers. Not too far from the big rock, S and N decided that they had to go to the bathroom so I had no alternative but to hustle them 10 feet off the path and aim them towards a convenient tree. No less than a dozen people walked by while they were doing their thing and I was left performing the what-can-you-do shrug and flashing a half smile that conveyed, "it's out of my hands."
Further along, also 10 feet off the path, H announced that there's dog poop and someone should have brought a bag for it.
I tried to explain that poop 10 feet off the path is fine right where it is and doesn't need to be in a plastic bag.
I felt like adding that when I was a kid nobody collected their pet's waste in plastic bags and that whenever you went outside there was an ever-present danger of stepping into poop and that you just had to live with that kind of peril day in and day out. And eventually you did step in poop and the adults in your life told you it wasn't a big deal and that in fact it "builds character" and to go wipe you Keds on some leaves in the backyard before getting into the car.
Expect for at our house, were we just might use your dirty shoe in the chipmunk trap.

song: Christmas Don't Be Late • artist: Alvin & the Chipmunks

Because The Night

Some people put their clothes into a laundry basket at the end of the day, pile them in the hall, or, if they aren't that dirty, fold them neatly and place them atop their blanket chest.
Not exhausted mothers. At least not this one.
I prefer to step out of my clothes and leave them puddled directly at the head of my bed as if instead of disrobing and climbing into bed, I simply melted into the floor, wicked-witch-of-the-west style, leaving the days duds behind.
"You cursed brats! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought good little children like you could sap all my beautiful energy? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh! ... to bed."

song: Because The Night • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Charlie Brown

There are many other Peanuts specials besides "A Charlie Brown Christmas." There's "It's Arbor Day Charlie Brown," "You're In Love Charlie Brown," and "It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown," just to name a few. Most of these, with the possible exception of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," are nowhere near as good as the classic Christmas tale of the round-headed kid and the tiny Christmas tree.
But despite their failings, they all remain true to one central theme. Charlie Brown always comes up the loser. He never kicks the football. He never gets his kite in the air. He, and we, think that it's going to happen - we're used to the happy ending - but for Charlie Brown there's no feel-good final inning in which his baseball team pulls it out at the last minute - no miracle on ice, no comeback kid, no field of dreams.
Charlie Brown brings a briefcase to school and doesn't get one single valentine. He gets rocks for Halloween. When it's his turn, the Easter Beagle runs out of eggs. Charlie Brown is more lifelike that any Disney character and his story is more like reality than any of those pull-it-out-at-the-last-minute tales, even the true ones. Charlie Brown doesn't even seem to have the comfort of involved and understanding parents; and look - he's already in therapy.
Charlie Brown's chronicles drive home the point that life is not fair. It's not just that Charlie Brown lacks talent. When it comes to that darn football kick - it's Lucy who screws him every time. He can't catch a break. In "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," our hero's team looses the homecoming game by one point because of a missed kick which was thwarted by Lucy - who must be some sort of double agent for the other team. Later in the locker room after the game the whole team comes over to berate Charlie Brown, led by team captain Peppermint Patty. No building up our hero. No saying, "we know you did your best, we'll get them next time." Even Lucy, who's really to blame, instead of apologizing, gives him the what for. "It's just not fair," you want to yell at your television, but I guess that's the point.
Life is more like Charlie Brown's football game than Breaking Away or Ice Castles or any of those other movies in which underdogs overcome the odds to make it to the big time.
And yet Charlie Brown keeps on going. Like the biblical Job, he rarely curses his fate. And in "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," he does get to kiss the little red-headed girl of his dreams. Proving what Tom Petty has known all along, "even the losers, get lucky sometimes."
Good news for the rest of us.

song: Charlie Brown • artist: The Coasters

Your Profile: A Found [Facebook] Poem

Working on a new segment.
Charlie Sheen
Is thinking.
Glad to be home.
Chocolate Yumaliciousness!
I better have a speed pass into heaven.
They bust their asses.
There are two kinds of sorry.
Charlie Sheen
Here is your Sunday back.
I did it!
Amazing wedding this weekend.
Happy Monday!
All done with the first grade science project.
Driving into work this morning wishing I would win powerball.
Will spring weather ever arrive?
I just hate it when I'm upstairs...but the chocolate is downstairs.
I love my new Kindle.
I think our garbage cans blew away!
Charlie Sheen

Spinning Wheel

Hanging out in a sauna in a Maine blizzard.
Feeling healthy in a sweaty kind of way.

song: Spinning Wheel * artist: Blood, Sweat and Tears

The Sweetest Thing

If I have to institute a candy buy back program with my children after Valentine's Day and assuming other parents have to do the same, why don't we cut out the middleman and have our kids give each other money to begin with?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: Juice Newton

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

A modern-day riff on the parable of the lost sheep.
When a three year old has a bowl full of macaroni and one piece of macaroni drops on the floor said three year old will leave all the other macaroni still in the bowl and go in search of the one he has lost. He will search and search until that piece of macaroni is finally found else he will scream for his mother who will search and search until that piece of macaroni is found.
Then the three year old will take the dirty macaroni, again ignoring the bowl full of clean macaroni, and insist on eating it.

song: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For • artist: U2

Fat Babies

I pity the kid who just gave out a Valentine's Day card 'cause nothin' says I love you like a sh*t load of candy.

song: Fat Babies • artist: Lyle Lovett

Mad World

Isn't "pregnant woman" a redundant phrase? I mean I guess it could be a pregnant sheep or cow or alligator - but taken in the context of the article I'm writing, which is about pillows, it's obvious I'm talking about people - people who can get pregnant.
It seems funny that pregnant is an adjective. Just another descriptive word like squishy or smelly.
As you can see we've been playing a lot of Mad Libs at our house.

song: Mad World • artist: Gary Jules

You're A Mean One Mr Grinch

When I have to wrench sippy cups out of the clenched fists of my sleeping twins I feel like the Grinch stuffing the Who's Christmas tree up the chimney and swiping Who Hash from the fridge. Of course I shouldn't let them go to bed with sippy cups in the first place - sippy cups filled with milk no less which I've been told is especially bad for developing teeth.
So I guess that the mere fact that they are in bed with sippy cups that are in need of gentle wrenching makes me, by definition, not a Grinch. Or at the very least an over-indulgent Grinch.

song: You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch • artist: Thurle Ravenscroft

Green Shirt

H has already chosen and laid out the shirt he's wearing over to Sam's house tomorrow.
Guess that's why they call it a play date.

song: Green Shirt • artist: Elvis Costello

Sweetest Thing

The Cat in the Hat ain't got nothin' on me. Last night I stood in the bathroom and simultaneously brushed my teeth, read True Grit, and practiced my shimmy. Multi-tasking is my middle name.
I don't understand why, if we're suppose to be encouraging our children to develop healthy eating habits at an early age, everything comes in bubble gum flavor. There's bubble gum-flavored Children's Tylanol and Bubble-gum flavored children's toothpaste.
Toothpaste? Really? Dentists don't want kids to chew gum (unless of course it's Dentyne) but brushing your teeth with it is okay.
I know it's all just artificial flavoring but what ever happened to grape and cherry?

song: The Sweetest Thing • artist: U2

Sticky Fingers

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson#6

If I am not supposed to stick my fingers up my nose, how come they fit up there so well?

album: Sticky Fingers • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Mountain

Standing on the top of Mt. Wachusett, while more skilled skiers took photos and enjoyed the view, I pondered how on earth I was ever going to get down the mountain without maiming myself and whether it would be more embarrassing for C to look up from his ski lesson and see his mother crawling down from 2,000 feet up or being ferried down by ski patrol.
In the end I made it down - on skis - and marveled again at a child's ability to force a parent out of their comfort zone.

song: The Mountain • artist: Levon Helm

Dream On

How about the movie Inception? A 9 out of 10 on the IMBd (Citizen Kane got an 8.6)? This must be a case of everyone turning in rave reviews because they don't want to admit they didn't understand what the heck was going on. The old emperor has no clothes on response again.
I just love the emperor has no clothes analogy.
The emperor must be one of my twins.

song: Dream On • artist: Aerosmith

Slippery When Wet

You know your life is boring when your husband takes your four kids for the whole day and all you can think of to do is go buy socks. And frankly, you're really excited about having new socks.
Whatdayaknow? Ken's 4-runner has a dashboard indicator light that lets the driver know when they are sliding on ice.
As if I couldn't tell.

album: Slippery When Wet • artist: Bon Jovi

Don't Mess Around with Jim

N put a bandaid above his lip the other night and declared, "I Big, Big, Jim!"
The he ripped it off and asked, "Where'd Big, Big, Jim go?"
Then he laughed like a hyena and went through the whole routine again.

song: Don't Mess Around with Jim • artist: Jim Croce

All Out of Love

Dear HP OfficeJet 4680 All In One,
You suck! I hate you! You are the worst printer I've ever owned! Ever! You are the worst printer I've ever had to deal with and that includes the old dot matrix printers that used continuous paper with perforated edges that were always jamming up, especially when I had to print labels.
All In One? All In One what? All In One Pain in the Neck, that's what! You jam up all the time! For no reason! You loose the connection to my laptop - out of spite!
I don't care that you only cost $99 18 months ago and I've probably gotten my moneys worth out of you. You'd be worthless and obsolete even if you weren't already worthless and obsolete. The color printer I had before you lasted six years and never had a problem. The only good feature you had was your copy feature and even that isn't working anymore.
You're not even worth Freecycling.
Sincerely your disillusioned and frustrated owner,
Joanne

song: All Out of Love • artist: Air Supply

Lay A Little Lovin On Me

Thank goodness for all the bad 70s music that makes morning chores fun.

song: Lay A Little Lovin On Me • artist: Robin McNamara

Brother Can You Spare A Dime? (Redux)

S and N had well-baby check ups yesterday and when I mentioned to the doctor that S's dime had not, to the best of my knowledge, turned up yet she sent us over to the hospital for an x-ray.
The good news for mommy was that the x-ray didn't turn up any dimes. The bad news for C was that the x-ray didn't turn up any dimes. He was really counting on getting the dime back.
Earlier in the week he'd asked: "Can I bring the dime to school for show and tell?"
"No." I said. "They don't have show and tell in second grade and besides, I'm putting the dime in S's baby book."
I contemplated getting any old dime and just giving it to him and saying it was "the dime," but in the end I went with the truth.
He took it pretty well.
"Your brother had an x-ray of his stomach today and the doctor didn't see any dime in it."
"Oh. Can I have the x-ray?"

song: Brother Can You Spare A Dime? • artist: E.Y. Yip and Jay Gorney

Enough is Enough

Yes, I bought them snow shovels for their birthday.
No, it doesn't mean I want it to keep snowing.

song: Enough is Enough • artist: Donna Summer

House of the Rising Sun

What is it about writing about animals that makes us go on for so long?
I could ask someone to write about remodeling their entire kitchen and the story might break 1300 words, but ask someone to write about pets and I get stories coming in at 1900, 2300, 3800 and even 4,000+ words.
I'm not complaining mind you - and the 4,000 word story is my own - I'm just wondering what it is about animals that makes us - even though we know a picture is worth a thousand words - write a thousand words any way, and then some?
Maybe it's because we know they can't call us up after the story is printing and complain that we misquoted them.

song: House of the Rising Sun • artist: The Animals

You Say It's Your Birthday II

It must be a little disconcerting to turn three. To have a rudimentary understanding of birthdays as a day when people clap, sing, and blow out candles on their dessert and yet not to know when your own birthday is.
And then one morning you wake up and your older siblings are in your room jumping about, telling you it's your birthday, and trying to make you wear a funny hat.
It's much harder to be five and to know not only when your birthday is, but to know how far off it is as well.
I know this is true because H has been talking about his birthday ever since he finishing unwrapping his presents on Christmas morning.
"Your birthday isn't until spring," I remind him on an almost daily basis.
"It's almost spring now," he said last night. "The snow is melting."
"Your birthday isn't until after Easter," I said.
Sometimes it pays to be specific.

song: You Say It's Your Birthday • artist: The Beatles

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

scene: a radio plays in the background of a busy kitchen. Children eat breakfast.
son: What's a Big Silly Contest?
mother: It's a Big CHILI Contest.

Song: Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood • artist: The Animals

Brother Can You Spare A Dime? II

Ahhhhhhh!
S ate a dime!

song: Brother Can You Spare A Dime? • artist: E.Y. Yip and Jay Gorney

library parking lot haiku

crows on the trash can
vivisect a bag of chips
waiting for summer

Abraham, Martin, and John II

So they were playing the "I Have A Dream" speech on NPR this afternoon and I was in the kitchen crying and the oil repair man knocked on the door to tell me my hot water heater was fixed and he probably thought I was crying because of the $225 he was about to charge be or because I just found out my husband's been having an affair with his secretary. He declined my offer of tea even though he'd been in my unheated dirt basement for almost an hour because it was obvious I was a mentally-unstable housewife.
Then I read a MLK biography to H before bed.
After finishing I said, "Martin Luther King sure was a good peace builder." And H responded:
"Mom. He was a great peace builder."

song: Abraham, Martin, and John • artist: Dion

Never Say Good Bye

N continues to out pee S. Yesterday we had to hoof it over to the library from the Mullen Hall playground when he announced, "I do pee pees!" Then we spent 20 minutes in the children's room bathroom, taking off parkas and snow pants, washing hands, drying hands, getting dressed, and washing hands again times two because S, after watching N, wanted to go through the motions.
S likes to stand in the bathroom with N and when N's done doing his business, S likes to jump in and flush the toilet which leaves me saying absurd things like, "those aren't your pee pees! When you do pee pees - you can flush them. Those are your brother's pee pees."
Meanwhile N is gazing longingly into the bowl going "bye bye pee pees."
Sure. He won't say "Nite, nite, Mommy" but he'll give his urine a big send off.

song: Never Say Good Bye • artist: Bon Jovi

Don't Touch My Hat

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #5

If I manage to score two cute, matching winter hats at the thrift shop my twins will refuse to wear them.

song: Don't Touch My Hat • artist: Lyle Lovett

Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

Here's the different between going into the city alone verses going in with your kids: When you're alone and that guy comes around panhandling - you just ignore him; when you're with your kids you still ignore him but later you have to explain to your kids why you did.

song: Brother Can You Spare A Dime? • artist: E.Y. Yip and Jay Gorney

Little Willy

It's potty time! Here's what happens when you potty-train twins.
Both twins sit on separate potties.
One accomplishes his "mission."
Both twins want to pour potty contents into toilet.
Fight ensues.
Said potty gets tugged back and fourth.
Said potty's contents get spilled on floor.
Both twins want to clean up the mess.
Fight ensues.
Mommy cleans up mess.
Both twins want to flush toilet.
Fight ensues.

song: Little Willy • artist: Sweet

Turning Japanese

I hate it when they preemptively cancel school before a single snowflake has hit the sidewalk.
Then again, I hate making lunches and then finding out in the morning that I didn't have to do it.
Why do they call it a vaporizer?
Are the twins going to be vaporized?

song: Turning Japanese • artist: The Vapors

Get Down On It

The experts say that when you want to talk with a child you should get down on one knee so that you and they will be at eye level.
The problem is that when I get down on one knee to talk to my kids, they mimic me and get down on one knee too.
So what's a just-trying-to-be-a-good mother supposed to do? Lie on the floor and look up at them?

song: Get Down On It • artist: Kool and the Gang

The Longest Time

You never know how long a Henry and Mudge book is until your five year old wants to read one to you.

song: The Longest Time • artist: Billy Joel

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Because C insisted we not take the tree down until today, it's been practically indecent, clad in nothing but its lights, for the past four days.
A sorry sight really since what's more depressing than a mostly undecorated tree dropping needles in your living room?
The tree knows that we don't want it anymore and frankly it doesn't want be here either. We're just two uncomfortable parties sidestepping one another until one of us finally moves out.

song: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do • artist: Neil Sedaka

The Prompt (a list poem)

Tomorrow I will get organized.
Tomorrow I will be the kind of parent who encourages creative play in my children.
Tomorrow I will master the slow cooker.
Tomorrow I will exercise.
Tomorrow I will communicate better with my husband instead of relying on my usual technique of passive aggressiveness which doesn't work anyway.
Tomorrow I will tune my guitar.
Tomorrow I will write even though I will not be at writer's group.
Tomorrow I will practice the dance routine.
Tomorrow I will not yell.
Tomorrow I will call the dentist.
Tomorrow I will overcome my fear of telephones.
Tomorrow I will wipe down the moldy bathroom walls.
Tomorrow I will stop dwelling on the past.
Tomorrow I will learn to knit socks.
Tomorrow I will buy oil paints and brushes.
Tomorrow I will read more.
Tomorrow I will make myself more marketable.
Tomorrow I will get some chickens.
Tomorrow I will buy my son skis.
Tomorrow I will learn the 'new math.'
Tomorrow I will make friends with the parents of the kids that my kids are friends with.
Tomorrow I will embrace technology.
Tomorrow I will.
Tomorrow I.
Tomorrow.

Take Me Down

C tells me I can't take the Christmas tree down till Epiphany.
Suddenly he's got religion?

song: Take Me Down • artist: Alabama

Monday Monday

I wonder if those companies that homeowners can hire to string up their Christmas light a lá Clark Griswold also come out and undecorate the Christmas trees.
Money well spent I would say.

song: Monday Monday • artist: The Mamas & The Papas

New Year's Day

When I said we were going to Woods Hole to walk in a New Year's Day parade, H said, "I know that parade. Papa told us about it. It's on TV."

song: New Year's Day • artist: U2

Another New Year's Eve

How can I plan new year's resolutions when I can barely plan dinner?

song: Another New Year's Eve • artist: Barry Manilow

Already Gone

The Harry Potter Legos have been put together, so has the solar-powered car. One of the iron puzzles has been solved and he can catch the diablo (sometimes). The house is full of balloon animals and "696 Jokes about School" has been read.
Christmas just doesn't last as long as it used to.

song: Already Gone • artist: The Eagles

Cold As Ice

Dear Priscilla,
Thank you for the Elvis CD. I have added Blue Christmas to my iPod holiday playlist. I was wondering where my Elvis Christmas CD was and the truth is it was probably a cassette anyway.
The inclusion of Mama Liked the Roses as the final song on this album has always puzzled me. What does this song have to do with Christmas? Sure, Mama liked roses, but did she like them for Christmas?
I also own Christmas Crooners, a CD that features holiday songs by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and the like. The collection includes the song If I Were A Carpenter. "If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?" I get the reference but the carpenter in question isn't Joseph. If it was the lyrics would have to be changed to "would you marry me anyway, would you have God's baby?"
And why do they play My Favorite Things from "The Sound of Music" as part of the holiday lineup? Yes Maria likes brown paper packages tied up with strings, but they aren't necessarily Christmas presents. They might just be deliveries from Sears or Wells Fargo.
This got me wondering about the myriad of songs that have been relegated to being played between December 1 and December 25 merely for the crime of being about winter. Take Jingle Bells. Any mention of Christmas there? Nope none. Jingle bells, so I've been told, was actually written for Thanksgiving. And what about "Let It Snow"? Radio stations should be cranking that song right now. No mention of Christmas there. "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" anyone?
I think these songs about winter are getting a bum rap by being pulled off the air a mere four days into the season. I see another three long months of cold weather anthems ahead of us. Down with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and up with Coldplay is what I say. They don't stop playing "Beach Baby," "Boys of Summer," and "In The Summertime," on June 25.

song: Cold as Ice • artist: Foreigner

Who Are You?

Best line of the day:
"Mom, I was having so much fun with my sled I forgot that it's Christmas Eve!"
Duly noted:
Little Cindy Lou Who, at no more than two, had a much better vocabulary than N and S, who are almost three.
Their conversation with the fake Santy Claus would have gone like this:
"Anta. Ismas Tree. Mine.

song: Who Are You? • artist: The Who

Trapped

Yesterday N, S, and I watched in horror (well I was horrified anyway) while a small spider in his web in the corner at the top of our stairs, began devouring a much bigger spider.
Yep, it really is a dog-eat-dog world out there.
Or a spider-eat-spider world.
Or a littler spider-eats-gangily-big-spider world; and if you don't want to live fast and die young you'd best travel with a full can of Raid.

song: Trapped • artist: Bruce Springstein

Coldest Night of the Year

We watched "A Year Without A Santa Claus" last night which may not, at first glance, seem like an appropriate way to celebrate the winter solstice but you forget that in addition to the great tune "Heat Miser" the movie also includes a cameo by none other than Mother Nature herself.
No wonder they don't air this holiday special on prime time any more - it's a pagan Christmas movie!
We, or at least my kids, also celebrated the shortest day of the year by playing outside in the snow until it was dark out. S, N, and I played earlier in the day. Two hours worth of play. We made snow bunnies, two of them, and a snow wall that the twins kept calling a train.
The word of the week for S and N is "snow" and H has taught them to say Santa, except that it sounds like "Anta" and they both got frustrated with me when I couldn't figure out what they were saying the first 25 times they said it. The moral of that story is to never let your son with the IEP for speech therapy teach new words to your two-year-old twins.
I downloaded "I'm Gettin' Nothin' For Christmas." It's my new favorite holiday song.
There were fruit flies in my red wine again tonight. Could someone please tell them it's winter now?

song: Coldest Night of the Year • artist: Bruce Cockburn

For So Long

This month Brain, Child magazine printed my response to their Backtalk column. Which, although it's always great to see one's name in print, is not a big deal since they print everyone's response.
What stood out when reading the entries was not their cleverness and originality, but their length. Backtalk specifically asked readers to keep their responses to 100 words and in writing my piece, I had to edit and edit and edit again in order to reach the 100-word goal. Therefore it was evident to me with my story on the page next to the others, that lots of writers went over the 100-word limit.
My eight year old would have worried over the unfairness of this blatant disregard for rules but what bugged me was that I'd cut some of the funny details out of the piece - the ones that really made the story come alive.
The piece was about H and his Moby Dick obsession upon which I've already expounded numerous times in this space so I won't repeat it here - not even the uncut, and in my opinion, funnier version.
So the question is, do you break the rules for the sake of the piece; or do you follow the rules and edit the story even to its own perceived detriment?
And I think that that is the big question and that the answer is that it's the people who break the rules who reach the top. They become famous in that way that most of America wants to be famous. Nice guys don't necessarily finish last, but more likely somewhere in the middle. Because they are nice, they don't mind that much. It takes arrogance and chutzpah to succeed.
A truth that would definitely make the average eight year old shout, "not fair!"

song: For So Long • artist: Bee Gees

Cold Moon Lament (a quatrain)

Google snips
tout eclipse.
Must not know
about the snow.

It Ain't Me Babe

My son, the budding copy editor, read the following sentence in a magazine: My sister said she would write me from camp.
"I think Highlights made a mistake," he said. "This doesn't make any sense at all. It should be "write to me."
Woah.
I only bring this up as a warning to my coworkers. He may start reading the Enterprise soon.

song: It Ain't Me Babe • artist: Bob Dylan

All The Best II

The next line in that song is
"It decays and dies, and the snowman melts."
Just in cast throwing the tree in the yard wasn't depressing enough for you.
Perhaps he should add a line about the cosmic uselessness of spending three hours wrapping gifts that your kids will tear open in 10 minutes.

song: All The Best • artist: John Prine

All The Best

"I guess that love, is like a Christmas card.
You decorate a tree; you throw it in the yard."
Couple this with "Christmas in Prison" and John Prine really knows how to bring you down around the holidays.

song: All The Best • artist: John Prine

Material Girl

I've been having a real anti-advertising kind of week. Maybe it's the Christmas bah humbugs, but to start with I can't understand those ads for the Snuggie - the cross between pajamas and a sleeping bag. Don't these people ever get up off the couch? What happens when they have to go to the bathroom? Want more wine? Peanuts? Do they have to hop out of the room like some potato sack race contestant?
There there's the carton of eggs in the fridge with the words "vegetarian fed" printed on them. At first that sounded reassuring but upon further consideration - what the heck else might they be feeding chickens? Steak tips?
Next there was the box of sidewalk chalk that lauded itself for being "washable." Since when is chalk not?
What's next? Bottled water billed as "wet?"


And how about this? I don't even know what's being advertised here because I can't get over the fact that this woman is outside in the snow in her bathing suit! Just kidding. It's snow boots. I read the fine print. It still doesn't explain the bathing suit. Maybe she's just really late to get her kids to the bus stop and she's got a 9AM appointment at the tanning salon.

song: Material Girl • artist: Madonna

Popcorn

In college, because students could get them at half-price, I purchased tickets to the Nutcracker for my boyfriend and me. This was before the Nutcracker got booted out of the Wang center and replaced by the Rockettes who don't even perform to live music but don't get me started on that.
For the evening I decided on a black dress (what a surprise); the one with the drop waist that I used to add the antique lace collar to. Tom purchased a new shirt and a paisley bow tie at Filenes.
On the night of the big event we met up outside the theater. He was carrying a small, brown, greasy paper bag.
"What's in there?" I demanded.
"Popcorn."
"They'll never let you into the theater with that."
"Sure they will."
On our way in I got frisked for cameras, Mr. Greasy Popcorn waltzed through.
Being a student got you discount seats but not, as it turned out, good ones. We were escorted to the nose bleed section, way up in the balcony, surrounded by restless children.
At the start of the second act Tom broke out the popcorn and passed it around among our young theater-going neighbors. He was instantly a hero among them. I was reminded of the scene in Alice's Restaurant where Arlo Guthrie describes having a groovy time with his new friends on the Group W bench.
But instead of seeing this as an incredibly endearing moment I remained mortified and indignant throughout the whole thing; staring straight ahead, refusing all offers of popcorn, and maintaining an air of "we're grown ups now, let's behave with a little more maturity," until I huffed out after the performance was over.
Later Tom changed his major from physical therapy to education, and I learned to lighten up.

song: Popcorn • artist: Hot Butter

Chanukah Song

So they passed out dreidels in H's kindergarten class.
Now I know how it feels to be a Jewish mother at Chanukah:
"It' a gimmel."
"That's called cheating!"
"Gimmie the dreidel!"
"Stupid C!"
"Now go and get it."
"C, it's my dreidel."
"Go and get it or I'll fine you a penny!
Go and get it or I'll fine you another penny!"
"Stupid C!!"
"Your penny, your dreidel."
"Stupid C!!!"
"Fine. I quit."

song: Chanukah Song • artist: Adam Sandler

Walk Like An Egyptian

The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum grants anyone with the first or middle name of Isabelle free admission. I think the same should hold true for anyone named after a whaling captain who seeks admittance to a whaling museum.
And with our recent trip to the New Bedford Whaling Museum (where we did get in for free but because of a library pass not the notoriety of my son's name), thus ended the Gartner family's great New England Whaling Odyssey of 2010 which started with a children's version of Moby Dick at the public library and led to visits to the Falmouth Historical Society, the Nantucket Whaling Museum, and finally New Bedford. Go ahead, ask me about whaling. Better yet, ask H who knows more about whaling than your average 75 year old never mind your average 5 year old.
I must say though I felt a little indignant about the masthead of the Awashonks being in the New Bedford Whaling Museum's collection. Shouldn't that be in our historical society?
Perhaps that's how Egyptians feel when they view the mummies in the MFA.

song: Walk Like An Egyptian • artist: The Bangles

Be My Downfall

Our Christmas tree is now officially in danger of collapsing under the weight of all the ornaments that are hanging off it.

song: Be My Downfall • artist: Del Amitri

Seasons in the Sun

Is it really time to decorate for Christmas? Cause I haven't made a scarecrow yet and I was really planning to. In fact today I got a good scarecrow-making leaf pile going in the backyard so I'm thinking that if I just put a Santa hat on that big boy I could perhaps combine the two...

song: Seasons in the Sun • artist: Terry Jacks

Money Song

C lost two teeth at school on Tuesday. Two in one day. He's making up for lost time.
Now he's ten dollars richer and he's got this huge gaping hole in the front of his mouth.
Too bad All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth is still one of my least favorite holiday songs.

song: Money Song • artist: Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem

Years May Come, Years May Go

I was at the Commons the other day waiting to take a left turn and park behind the Gap while two women and a little  were on the crosswalk between the Gap and the post office. From the parking area this SUV came speeding towards the crosswalk, and stopped short in the middle of it causing the trio to stop, one woman pulling the child back and the other yelling at the driver.
Then the window rolled down revealing that the driver was none other than a former boss of mine - a woman I haven't seen in forever - forever being not long enough as far as I'm concerned.
As if Christmas shopping weren't hazardous enough.

song: Years May Come, Years May Go • artist: The Irish Rovers

If I Fell

Tonight I was kneeling in front of the refrigerator unloading tupperware containers full of leftovers for dinner when I realized I'd stacked them up on my skirt. I tried to scoot backwards with a tray full of roasted vegetables in one hand, stepped on the back of my skirt and nearly fell over backwards. Later in the evening my son admitted, upon cross examination, that he peed on the couch because he thought he was wearing a pull up.
I swear my life is just like a Seinfield episode except that I'm not making a million bucks an episode - and - I'm  keeping the couch.

song: If I Fell • artist: The Beatles

That's The Way I Like It

How to Cook a Turkey
by H
My dad's friend gives us our turkey. He brings it home to our house for my Mom to cook. When Mom gets the turkey, she cuts out the bones so people won't eat them. Then she takes the thing that tells her how to cook it off. Then she puts the turkey in a pan. Then Mom puts the stuffing on it. Stuffing is made of stuff, that's why they call it stuffing. Then Mom turns the stove on 10 degrees. Then she puts a cover on the pan so the water doesn't splash out and the flies don't get it. She lets the turkey cook for nine hours. The timer dings when the turkey is done. Then she lets the turkey cool off. We will have apple sauce, cranberry sauce, and Nana brings apple pie for dessert.

song: That's The Way I Like It • artist: KC & The Sunshine Band

Lift Me Up

My son the stand up comic.
"Why do they call it Parent Pick Up? I don't pick you up."

song: Lift Me Up • artist: Moby

She Bop

 OMG! The Vermont Country Store is selling vibrators!

song: She Bop • artist: Cyndi Lauper

Crooked Teeth

Finally! The tooth is out! Some assistant at the school couldn't take it anymore (I guess C spent 20 minutes in the bathroom today) and wadded up some paper towel and pulled it out for him.
The tooth took so long to come out that it made me nostalgic. I would not have labeled myself as the type of mother who gets all mushy over my children losing their teeth but first he was the only kid in his first grade class that had not lost a tooth. And then he was the only kid in the second grade. And didn't he just get that tooth? Didn't he just get all those teeth? Wasn't he 11 months old yesterday?
Then a tooth finally came loose but took a month to fall out.
I remember losing teeth his way: tooth gets loose on Monday - tooth is out on Wednesday - half dollar is spent by Friday. Poor Solomon Grundy.
The loss of that first tooth is a huge milestone for a kid. One of the first, along with riding a bike, on that long road of milestones that leads to adulthood. It's bittersweet for parents - like every milestone is - even more so when you have a month to reflect on it, and all the apples in the laundry room go bad because your son with the loose tooth refuses to bite into them.
He must have been a little nostalgic himself. He asked the tooth fairy not to take the tooth - but to still leave him some money.

song: Crooked Teeth • artist: Death Cab For Cutie

Right Place, Wrong Time

parenting tip #4637: The meal you prepare for supper will never be so appetizing as when your child eats it off the floor the following morning.

parenting tip #4891: The toddler who does not poop in his diaper all morning will unload with a colossal dump the moment you arrive at: a) the park, b) his big brother's piano lesson, c) the library, d) all of the above.
Do not forget to remove said stink bomb from your car upon arriving home.

song: Right Place, Wrong Time • artist: Dr. John

Over My Head

This one is for Alison who suggested the perfect song title.
What if someone invented sponge socks so I could just walk around my bathroom and simultaneously wash the floor?
On Monday I got out sponges and a bucket to wash down a section of wall in the kitchen that was particularly grimy. It only took a nanosecend until the twins were up to their elbows in sudsy water. Which is better than the other day when they were up to their elbows in toilet water.
Did I mention how they like to clean?

song: Over My Head • artist: Fleetwood Mac

Kandi II

The e-mail was from "Mamapedia Sweet Deals."
The subject line read "Add a Twinkle to Every Occasion."
I read it as "Add a Twinkie to Every Occasion."
I've got to get rid of the rest of the Halloween candy.

song: Kandi II • artist: One Eskimo

Linger

Just prior to putting the cranberry breads into the oven, the ones we were making to go with tomorrow's book project, he tells me, "oh, I forgot Jane is allergic to milk and eggs."
Damn.
Let's hope the class likes cranberry sauce.

song: Linger • artist: The Cranberries

Where Do The Children Play

There is a poem that ends with the verse: cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
I remember seeing these lines repeated often in cross stitch catalogues my mother used to get. At one point I wrote it down just to remind myself that that was the kind of mother I was going to be - the cool mom with the messy house but happy kids.
But what author Ruth Hulburt Hamilton doesn't allow for in her poem is an answer to the question of who is going to do the cleaning and the scrubbing. Because at some point at least rudimentary cleaning has to be done - laundry, emptying the trash, washing dishes, picking up items off the floor that could be potential choking hazards or food dropped off the dinner table that we don't want the kids to eat three days later - petrified.
The poem from whence the lines come is titled "Song for a Fifth Child" so perhaps children one through four are taking care of chores. Maybe dad is a CEO and they have a housekeeper. Maybe the mother is just one of those people who never needs sleep so she can rock her baby and then clean house at 3AM.
And then there's this nugget, also a frequent needlepoint sampler: "I hope my children look back on today and see a parent who had time to play. There will be years for cleaning and cooking. But children grow up when we're not looking."
Are there years when we don't have to clean and cook because I must have missed them. I seem to recall cleaning and cooking even when I didn't have kids.
It didn't occur to me when I jotted the verse down that if I didn't do the cleaning - who would? Maybe my future husband would but shouldn't he get a chance to rock his baby too? No, the logistics of the whole thing were definitely lost on the 12-year-old me. The me that planned to become an artist and live with my husband in a studio apartment that I fantasized looked suspiciously like our basement play room (I didn't exactly dream big).
I write this mostly in jest but this is the kind of thing that preys on the minds of mothers. Are we spending enough time with our kids? Can we spend enough time with them and still have a house that won't be condemned by the department of health and sanitation? What are outside expectations of mothers? The expectation is that you're available to make healthy meals and help your kids with their homework and you have a house that's pretty clean. Not immaculate but seriously if little Jimmy gets picked up from a play date at your filthy house it doesn't matter how much rocking (or playing) you are doing - little Jimmy's mom is going straight home to tell little Jimmy's dad about what a slob you are. Likewise if little Jimmy gets picked up from a play date at your spotless house - little Jimmy's mom is going straight home to tell little Jimmy's dad about how anal you are. And I don't mean to vilify other moms, you can substitute your neighbor, your clergyman, your friendly campaign pollster, whoever it is who makes it past your front door. Mothers (and fathers) are being judged all the time, constantly looking for that elusive balance between work and play.
But back to our two bits of prose. Here's the point that the poets miss: kids love to clean and cook so why not combine the two; you'll get bored rocking after a while anyway. If I give the twins each a sponge they are off. They clean up and down the stairs, they clean in the bathroom sink, they clean the kitchen table. They love to wipe up spills both large and small. They love to wipe up the water left on kitchen floor after it's been walked across on a rainy day (consequently they've been busy this week), they love to point out all the spider webs underneath chairs that never, ever, get cleaned up.
And as for cooking, they love to pour ingredients into bowls and they like to add eggs to batter after I've broken them open. When they get bigger they'll get to use the apple peeler and the nut grinder and maybe they'll thrill to grating cheese.
These activities keep us all in the kitchen together, I can get dinner made albeit much slower than if I didn't have so much "help" and they get a mother who has time to play and still give them meals that don't come with a prize in the box.
But then eventually there will come a day when I'll say "hey guys, want to clean the sink or ride on the vacuum cleaner?" And they'll be too interested in Legos to come running. Or worse they'll say, "sure Mom, what will you pay me?"
Those kids. They grow up so fast.

song: Where do the Children Play? • artist: Cat Stevens

Here Comes the Rain Again

Yes, I made my kids wait at the bus stop in the rain without umbrellas. But the bus driver was wearing short sleeves so let's call it even.

song: Here Comes the Rain Again • artist: Eurythmics

Holding Out for a Hero

How come all the male super heros have long-sleeved unitards, capes, and helmets but the lone female super hero has to combat crime in what amounts to a bathing suit and a few sweat bands?
How's she supposed to fend off villains while she's fighting a wedgie?

song: Holding Out for a Hero • artist: Bonnie Tyler

Tonight, Tonight

parenting tip #3,985: Don't bother putting your toddler's shoes on until you physically get to where you are going. They will only take them off in the car.

parenting tip #3,986: In adhering to the above advice, don't forget said shoes at home or your kids will be the only ones watching soccer practice in their socks.

parenting tip #3,987: Throw moldy jack-o-lanterns into compost heap while your children are in school. Prior to October 31, set carved pumpkins on plates or plywood for post-holiday ease of removal transport.

song: Tonight, Tonight • artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Beans for Breakfast

Having been given a crock pot recently I have been investigating recipes with which to best make use of this new (to me) cooking accessory. Having things cook all day is in stark contrast to my usual method of burning things quickly in a stir fry.
So far there have been two unsuccessful attempts to cook dinner and one successful Halloween mulled cider.
I particularly enjoyed these online instructions for pork chops: Cook onions in oil until lightly brown. Add other ingredients. Cover and simmer about 20 minutes. Put pork chops in crock pot and cook overnight with sauce. Serve hot.
Cook overnight? And then what? Serve them for breakfast?

song: Beans for Breakfast • artist: Johnny Cash

Box of Rain

The boys and I spent our late morning at Coonamessett Farm which makes me either the best mom on the planet for dressing my kids in their boots and rain jackets and letting them stomp through puddles, or the worst mom on the planet - for dressing my kids in their boots and rain jackets and letting them stomp through puddles.
The jury is out on which on it is. N thought it was great and happily zig zagged from puddle to puddle; S cried, refused to move from the porch of the farm stand and made me carry him the entire time.

song: Box of Rain • artist: The Grateful Dead

Kandi

The internet is rife with articles listing creative ways to rid oneself of excess Halloween candy. What a bizarre holiday Halloween is. We dress up our children and send them out to beg for food that we don't want them to have. Why not send them out to score stuff we need? I could use some chili powder. And I'm almost out of barley. Oh and Post-It Notes, I could definitely use some Post-It Notes. But alas no - it's candy and likely to remain candy for at least the foreseeable future. As we now have enough candy to choke a moose (assuming you could get the moose to eat it), I've been reading the ideas and giving them some serious thought.
Some of the suggestions, such as freezing the candy and adding it to milk shakes, are clever. Some, like keeping a stash in your purse to bribe your children with, are not. If I tried to keep candy in my purse I'd just end up with melted misshapen candy bars at the bottom of my bag - not too tempting as bribe material.
Exploding candy in the microwave sounded fun but it had to be marshmallow-based candy and I don't know about you but my kids didn't get a lot of Halloween peeps.
Last year I bought some of C's candy back from him. I didn't see this idea on the list though there was a suggestion of having your children leave their bag of candy on the doorstep before bed where the "Halloween Angel" will find it and exchange it for a gift. Interesting concept but it doesn't answer the question of what to do with excess candy - it merely answers the question of how to get the candy away from your kids - unless of course the Halloween Angel is real...
Then there were some cool science experiment suggestions, exploding Mentos and glow in the dark wintergreen lifesavers for example, but like the marshmallow peeps the suggestions were too candy specific - who gets lifesavers and Mentos in their Halloween loot?
So I've come up with my own list of suggestions. What the heck. I have candy. I'm qualified. Feel free to forward the list to your less-creative friends, relations, and enemies.
1. String it up and use it for garland on your Christmas tree 'cause nothing says Merry Christmas like a tree trimmed in Twix bars. (Mmmmmm. Twix bars)
2. Box it up and send it to that annoying former classmate who just bragged on Facebook that she still fits into her prom dress.
3. Bring it to Staples and see if you can barter it for school supplies for your kid's classroom.
4. Lay it all in the driveway and run it over with the mini van. Your kids will think this is really cool.
5. Feed the M&Ms to your boyfriend's pet beagle.
6. Eat all the candy yourself and tell the kids the house was robbed. This is also a good way to get rid of any toys that you despise as well as the ripped Bermuda jacked your husband can't seem to part with.
7. Tell the kids the tin peddler came to town, just like in Farmer Boy and you traded their candy for three new dippers, a skimmer, and a strainer.
8. Create a found art sculpture with it and explain to the critics that it's a social commentary on the personal excess that defines our country.
9. Throw it in the front yard of any house that hasn't yet taken down all its political campaign signs.
10. Stick it under your mattress and feed it to the bed bugs.

song: Kandi • artist: One Eskimo

Jailhouse Rock

song: Jailhouse Rock • artist: Elivs Presley

Monster Mash

The great white mummy sneaks up on Captain Ahab.
H: "How come on Halloween mommies can be boys?"
Mommy: "Your brother is a mummy. Not a mommy."
C: "How come they call them Sweedish Fish?
Mommy: "I don't know. Stop eating candy."

song: Monster Mash • artist: Bobby "Boris" Picket

All I Want Is You II

An older gentleman insisted I go through the door to the polling station ahead of him this morning. "You're prettier than I am," he said.
I told him it was too bad he wasn't running for something because he'd have my vote.

song: All I Want Is You • artist: U2

What It Takes

You want my vote? Take all the $$ being spent on campaign advertising and give it to my sons' elementary school so I can stop buying crayons, hand sanitizer and paper towels.
Then I'll vote for you.

song: What It Takes • artist: Aerosmith

Straight Shooter

Captain Ahab takes aim.

song: Straight Shooter • artist: The Mamas and the Papas

Look Out Any Window

As if having to duck Jehovah's Witnesses weren't enough now I have to look out for door-to-door political canvassing. For the record, I didn't ignore that woman who came to the door today - I just chose to take out the compost when I saw her headed towards the house.
This election just needs to be over.

song: Look Out Any Window • artist: Bruce Hornsby

When the World in Running Down

The twins like to pull the rubber tires off their model cars leaving them looking as if they are junk yard vehicles about to be sold for parts. Or in the case of this police cruiser - like they've been parked for too long in a bad neighborhood.

song: When the World in Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around • artist: The Police

Love in the Library

Yesterday C asked if someday we could spend the whole day at the library so that when he finished one book, "I could just get another one."
He's more of a geek than I could have ever hoped for!

song: Love in the Library • artist: Jimmy Buffett

Hot Potato

Finally! C has a loose tooth.
Looks like he might not be the 40-year-old virgin after all.

song: Hot Potato • artist: The Wiggles

The Entertainer

Who knew that the greatest thing since sliced bread would turn out to be air-popped popcorn?
It's the snack that entertains.

song: The Entertainer • artist: Billy Joel

Clampdown

The only problem with purchasing the majority of your child's wardrobe at rummage sales and thrift shops is that they will inevitably end up with a closet full of red pants and orange shirts.

song: Clampdown • artist: The Clash

Add it Up II

I made a second grader cry during math games last week. Well, I didn't make her cry; really, the math game itself made her cry. I'll be the only elementary school volunteer who gets asked not to come back. "Just send in your Kleenex and  peanut-free snack donations Mrs. Briana-Gartner but for the love of our children, please stay home."
I also made a kid cry my first week volunteering in the kindergarten class. It was my own kid though, and he cried because he thought he was going to get to go home with me (at 11AM). So that doesn't really count.
Later, during that same volunteering stint, I wowed a group of seven year olds, not with my addition and subtraction prowess - but with my ability to make a bridge when shuffling cards.
I'll take it where I can get it.

song: Add it Up • artist: Violent Femmes

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

Sara Maria says that cod liver oil helps boost brain power and since I haven't increased my brain power since I was 12 and used to take that multiple choice quiz in Reader's Digest Magazine - no wait - that was How To Increase Your Word Power. In that case I haven't tried to increase my brain power ever. At any rate I thought I'd give it a go.
All the bottles of cod liver oil at Amber Wave touted their product for easing the pain of achy joints, none mentioned brain power. Well, whatever, I've got achy joints too and the largest bottle was only $8 so I decided to get some anyway but the woman ahead of me in line kept hemming and hawing over her purchases and changing her mind and making the sales clerk pour her endless bags of some type of white powdery substance, "one bag, no wait, how much is it? What? Oh okay, another bag then."
Then she started rummaging for her credit card and it was already after 4:30 and I couldn't take it any more so I put the cod liver oil back and fled.
What I really need is a second dose of St. John's Wart to help be deal with the crazy, indecisive people in line ahead of me at the health food store.
That and more chocolate.

song: Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind? • artist: Lovin' Spoonful

Up All Night

Anyone got experience with white mice? I've heard that rats make good pets but C is enamored with mice.

song: Up All Night • artist: Boomtown Rats

The Unicorn Song

OMG and speaking of the "Unicorn Song" - did you know that was written by Shel Silverstein? Mr. Silverstein also penned "Cover of the Rolling Stone," "The Boa Constrictor Song" (you know, "I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor, a boa constrictor..."), and The Johnny Cash hit, "A Boy Named Sue;" but the "Unicorn Song" I just figured was one of those folk songs passed down from generation to generation - like the rest of them there Irish tunes that get belted out on St. Patrick's Day by Liam himself.
You know, like maybe it was written by Noah - himself.

song: The Unicorn Song • artist: Shel Silverstein

Guitar Man

My good friend Gene Bourque is once again offering guitar lessons out of his home studio in West Falmouth.  He taught me to strum a few chords so it's a sure bet he can teach you something.
Maybe there will be a track club duet in the future featuring Bob Richards and myself. Hope Bob knows the Unicorn Song.

song: Guitar Man • artist: Bread

One Bad Apple

Question: If my children pick apples in the rain, do I still have to wash the apples off before packing them in their lunch boxes?

song: One Bad Apple • artist: The Osmonds

Celebration

What a great day! Not only was yesterday my anniversary (these go to eleven), but the diner that has been sitting vacant at the Otis rotary is finally open for business.
Two reasons to celebrate.

song: Celebration • artist: Kool and the Gang

If I Were A Rich Man

In the old days rich folks puddled their drapery fabrics on the floor in an opulent display of wealth which translated into "look at me, I'm so wealthy I ooze velvet." The modern day equivalent of puddling might be people who put out their returnable bottles and cans along with their regular recycling as if to say, "look at me, I don't need no stinkin' nickel."
There's a lot of puddling going on over in Pine Bay. I might have to hitch a wagon to my bicycle.

song: If I Were A Rich Man • musical: Fiddler on the Roof