American Pie

Big victory at the Truro Agricultural Fair yesterday.
The pie was no match for my kid.
My only prior experience with pie eating contests was watching the movie "Stand By Me."
Luckily this was nothing like that.

song: American Pie • artist: Don McLean

Why Can't You Behave?

Forget the terrible twos.
What about the tyrannical threes?

song: Why Can't You Behave? • artist: Cole Porther

What is Life?

Recently I finished reading "No Impact Man," which leaves me now with "No Book to Read" always a dilemma.
I have to confess that I checked out "No Impact Man" for the sole purpose of sport.
"No impact man indeed," I thought, how about "No Book Deal Man," or "No Good Gimmick Guy?" But like Graceland, after visiting I came away with new respect for Colin Beavan who seems sincere enough, even though I kept confusing his name and calling him Colin Beaver.
One comment though. There's a point in the book where No Impact Man's wife points out how the TV, the internet, magazines, the radio and even books are all distractions meant to keep us from thinking about our own lives and from bigger questions such as, "why are we here?" and "what's it all about?"
But in another chapter, or perhaps it's the same chapter, No Impact Man talks about his life sans TV, newspaper, and similar distractions. It's just what you think. Friends come over. Connections are made. People play charades.
Wait.
What?
Charades?
Isn't charades just another distraction? Albeit a non-electric one. Shouldn't Colin and his friends be sitting around discussing those big issues?
'Cause really. Have you ever played charades?
I hate charades.
It's an over rated parlor game to say the least and so are all those games which are just variations on charades.
I once had to play a charade-type of game with my college boyfriend and another couple. The game had my boyfriend drinking water out of the other woman's bellybutton and me having to sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Frankly it makes sitting around talking about the meaning of life look pretty good.
You know what is funny about meaning-of-life discussions?
I think that young adults don't really have them because at that stage life seems to stretch out endlessly in front of you and it's too overwhelming to think about and besides you're only at the beginning of the journey anyway.
Then you get to be in your 40s and you don't have meaning-of-life discussions because it would be too embarrassing to admit so far into the game that you don't know.

song: What is Life? • artist: George Harrison

Hurricane Haiku

hurricane gusts
scatters yard with sticks and leaves
blows summer away

Watch Your Step II

Wishful thinking.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Watch Your Step

Best caution signs ever.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Get Ready

The Tao of my Twins: Lesson #8

Tis better to go out in one's pajamas, than not to go out at all.

song: Get Ready • artist: The Temptations

Blue Bayou

Doesn't anyone remember that we hated the Smurfs the first time around?

song: Blue Bayou • artist: Linda Ronstad

I Can't Drive 55

It's ironic to drive two hours to take your kids to Canobie Lake Park only to arrive and find that the first ride said children want to go on is the Canobie 500 (race cars), and that they are willing to stand in line for a half hour just to (you guessed it) ride in a car again.

song: I Can't Drive 55 • artist: Sammy Hagar

Against All Odds

We picked up our two new mice at the pet store today.
Even though the clerk asked them to send girl mice, it turned out there were boy mice in the shipment as well.
"I'm 95% sure they aren't pregnant." she said.
As far as I'm concerned those are not reassuring odds.

song: Against All Odds • artist: Phil Collins

Reunited

Have fun at the class reunion guys.
If only there were quarter-century superlatives.
I'd vote Rene and Hadley in as "Most Courageous."

song: Reunited • artist: Peaches and Herb

Call Me

Cell phones have rendered obsolete an entire genre of music - the telephone angst love song.

You know the type, either the love-sick caller can't reach his intended because she's not answering (Telephone Line, ELO); or the caller muses over his betrothed with the dispatcher, an employee from MA Bell who, though silent, acts the part of the good therapist (Operator, Jim Croce).

Nowadays not only do you not need a third party to connect you, there's little chance you'll get no answer when you call - at the very least you'll get voice mail.

Surely the outcome would have been different had Dr. Hook been able to talk to Sylvia directly instead of merely to her mother, and if that pesky operator wasn't repeatedly requesting nickels (Sylvia's Mother, Dr. Hook & the Medicine Man).

Then there's the peeping Tom of telephone songs, Wichita Lineman. Get off the line already!

Even the Beatles can't always get through (You Won't See Me).

But it's not as if there's no precedence for this in the music world. 

Witness: In Your Letter, Take A Letter Maria, Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself A Letter, and Please Mr. Postman.

song: Call Me • artist: Blondie

I Saw the Light

According to the Globe, a North Andover mom "wants to leave the earth a healthy place for her three children. But what good is a thriving planet ... if her kids are forced to live in a home lighted by bulbs that are energy efficient but ruin the look of the dining room chandelier...?"
To spare her kids from poor lighting, the mom is hoarding incandescent bulbs in anticipation of their scheduled "fade out" as it were.
Really? Are you kidding? F*ck the chandelier lady, you've got a planet to save!
What will you tell your three kids 20 years from now? "Sorry about the polar bears kids, but look, I've still got some lightbulbs from 2011. Nice shade of white don't you agree? Almost the same shade as a polar ... Oh never mind."
I know, there are some great reasons for wanting to hang on to traditional bulbs. How will kids spike their temperature on a thermometer in order to stay home sick on test day with only a 15-watt bulb? Whatever will they use to melt wax crayons on? Oh the humanity.
This is why we'll never be able to save the planet. Because even though we want to save the planet - and we really, really, want to save it - we just don't want to be inconvenienced in the process. Not one little you'll-have-to-pry-these-incandescents-from-my-cold-dead-hands bit. And saving the planet will be inconvenient. I guarantee it. First we will have to believe in climate change. We will have to drive less. We will have to commute more. There will be wind turbines to contend with. We will have to be accountable for the garbage we create (pay as you go may be here sooner than compact fluorescents) We will have to actually remember to bring all those reusable canvas bags into the supermarket instead of just smugly keeping them in our car. New Englanders won't be able to eat fresh strawberries in January. We'll need to stop buying yearly new wardrobes full of cheap clothing made in China and wear last years fashions instead.
Luckily, on account of the bad lighting, no one will notice.

song: I Saw the Light • artist: Todd Rundgren

Thank You for the Music

The gig.

song: Thank You for the Music • artist: Abba

Teach Your Children

Despite the MFA's written appeals and signage admonishing visitors not to take flash photography or video at the museum, people were flashes cameras and shooting video left and right at the Chihuly exhibit today.
Therefore it's no wonder non-members are still taking to the fields in droves at Coonamessett Farm.
Ignoring rules must be the American Way.

song: Teach Your Children • artist: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Tom, Dick or Harry

C and I saw the final Harry Potter movie today. It was my first time at the cinema pub in town.
I like the concept but it just seems disrespectful to chow down on buffalo wings while Harry is saving the world from the Dark Lord.

song: Tom, Dick or Harry • artist: Cole Porter

One for the Mockingbird

"You ain't fair" I said, you ain't fair." 
"You're real nice, Uncle Jack, an' I reckon I love you even after what you did, but you don't understand children much."...
"And why do I not understand children, Miss Jean Louise? Such conduct as yours requires little understanding. It was obstreperous, disorderly and abusive."
"You gonna give me a chance to tell you? I don't mean to sass you, I'm just tryin' to tell you."
Uncle Jack sat down on the bed. His eyebrows came together, and he peered up at me from under them. "Proceed," he said.
I took a deep breath. "Well, in the first place you never stopped to gimme a chance to tell you my side of it - you just lit right into me. When Jem an' I fuss Atticus doesn't ever just listen to Jem's side of it, he hears mine too, an' in the second place you told me never to use words like that except in ex-extreme provocation, and Francis provocated me enough to knock his block off."
•••
"Jack! When a child asked you something, answer him, for goodness sake. But don't make a production out of it. Children are children, but they can spot an evasion quicker than adults, and evasion simply muddles 'em."


Sometimes I feel guilty that when I read, I mostly read for pleasure. Sometimes that pleasure is in a work of fiction and sometimes it's in a work of non-fiction, but rarely does it take the form of a parenting book.
"You're with them all day - why would you want to read about them at night," the devil on my shoulder whispers into my ear. "You might get some helpful ideas or gain some insight into how your kids are feeling," counters my inner angel.
But low and behold - sometimes you can have both - great literature and great parenting advice.
It's a funny thing. I've read To Kill A Mockingbird at least three times now but only once as a parent and until I became a parent I never noticed that it's full of stellar parenting directive, though none perhaps that jumped off the pages as much as these two passages.
I wonder what pearls of wisdom I stand to glean from my next read, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?
After all, Ichabod Crane was a schoolmaster.

song: One for the Mockingbird • artist: Cutting Crew

One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer

Rather than the front yard, usually I steer my kids to the backyard to play. The reason being that it's easier to look out the back windows to see what they are up to, plus, this time of year some percentage of the four of them is bound to be in some stage of undress.
The other day I could hear the sounds of noisy children emanating from the front yard. I wondered to myself who the heck was visiting Dave and Jeannie's house only to realize minutes later than it was my own kids.
Yesterday at 11:30 AM Ken wondered out loud if it was too early for a beer.
"Your naked kids are running through the sprinkler in the back yard," I told him. "You might as well drag the couch into the yard, sit on it beer in hand with your shotgun in your lap."

song: One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer • artist: George Thorogood

Let the Music Play

There's been some discussion surrounding the performance of two plays on the library lawn next week though not the kind of discussion the organizers of the play had hoped to inspire.
The discussion is over whether or not the plays are suitable to be performed outside in a public space where people passing by, especially families with children, might be disturbed by the intensity of the drama.
I have never seen the plays in question and it sounds as if there are other issues surrounding them than just their appropriateness for children who might be in the vicinity; but as to that one objection I'd like to relate the following observations from experience as my oldest boys, ages 8 and 6, have seen a fair amount of live theater.
Live theater, though it may be intense with its action happening right before one's eyes, is by the same token made less scary because the action is happening right before one's eyes. No matter who is rumbling (West Side Story), changing into an evil alter ego (Jekyll and Hyde), committing suicide (Carousel) or cutting the throats of his customers (Sweeny Todd), my children are well aware that the action isn't real and that the actors, even the recently deceased ones, will all take the stage for a bow when the show's over.
Contrast this to television viewing where sometimes the action is real (the news, reality shows) and sometimes it isn't (movies, dramas, sitcoms). It's much harder in these situations for children to discern what's real from what's not and there's no curtain call at the end to help them sort it out.
This is the beauty of live theater. It's big and thought provoking and sometimes in your face, but it's not usually so horrific that you have to hide behind your playbill or shield your kids from it.
As for the screaming. Kids are natural dramatists anyway. People are screaming in my house all the time.
If there's screaming at my house it means that either someone's wife accidentally gave them a poisoned robe - or someone dropped a cookie on the floor.

song: Let the Music Play • artist: Shamur

Black Water II

Always be careful of what you wish for.

I was secretly hoping for a day off from swim lessons but thought it would come in the form of rain and not a high bacteria count.

song: Black Water • artist: Doobie Brothers

Lightenin' Strikes

Everything I learned this week I learned because of my kids.

1. The reason fish don't get killed when lightening strikes the water is because the fish are all under the water while an unfortunate swimmer or shellfisherman is breaking the surface of the water while the electricity is going across.

2. Cooties are real - and you really can catch them. 
3. The singular of mice is mouse. The singular of lice is louse.

song: Lightenin' Strikes • artist: Lou Christie

The End

Seems like no coincidence that the final space shuttle flight and the final Harry Potter movie are taking place less than a week apart.

The space shuttle is the ultimate Firebolt and the earth merely a snitch.

song: The End • artist: Doors

Early in the Morning II

Another summer season starts and so begins the jockeying for good parking spaces at Megansett.
This year I plan to arrive early enough for a coveted space along the perimeter of the lot.
I don't know why these spaces fill up first but I do know that parents who don't get to the beach early enough to secure one and have to park instead in the less desirable middle spots are pretty much lame losers who don't love their children enough to make an effort.

song: Early in the Morning • artist: Vanity Fair

Wicked Game

C seems to be entering his Bananagram phase. Three games in three nights.
I like it much better than his Monopoly phase.

song: Wicked Game • artist: Chris Isaak

The Border

Happy Canada Day to my cousins!
We made it all the way home with our billy club, lobster bands, spear, and eagle feather.

song: The Border • artist: America

Life is a Highway

I read the sign for Dipper Harbour as Diaper Harbour both on the way to and from St. John.
I kept wondering why my children weren't snickering from the back seat.

song: Life is a Highway • artist: Tom Cochrane

When Will I See You Again?

If kids live so much more in the moment than adults how come H always asks - before we've even finished doing something - when are we going to do it again?
H says that Carole is "very nice," but that his favorite is "him and Joseph. Just the two of us together."

song: When Will I See You Again? • artist: Three Degrees

Dock of the Bay

The breakwater dock is the social hub of Lower Wedgeport.
All evening long cars and trucks drive on and off the dock.
People come down to check their boats. Or just to see who else is around.
One man takes his two papillons out for a drive. We've seen him on the dock every night since we got here.
Another gets out and introduces himself. He turns out to be a relative.
Everyone stops to talk to my cousin Joseph.
Everyone asks C & H if they've caught any fish.
Everyone is friendly.
No one is in a hurry.
No one is talking on their cell phone.
And you thought Maine was "the way life should be."

song: Dock of the Bay • artist: Otis Redding

Watershed

So I drive us through Boston and to Belfast, and then I drive us to the boarder and on to St John. And I find our hotel room after only circling the block two times due to a closed exit. I get us to the ferry early enough to watch it dock and I have my luggage meticulously packed so at each hotel I only have one bag to bring in with us.
Everything's going swimmingly and then, when we're an hour from our destination, it starts to rain. Hard. It's already windy and I'm having to use both my hands on 10 and 2 to keep my non-high performance mini van on the road and suddenly it's raining like there's no tomorrow and I can't see the road even with the wipers going at the highest possible speed. It isn't letting up and I've slowed down to like 40mph (what's that in kilometers?) and then there's thunder and lightening and it's just so ridiculous and all the while we are listening to The Hobbit on CD and it's the crucial chapter where Bilbo meets Gollum and they go through all the riddles (an egg! a fish! time!) and it's still pouring and then Gollum can't find his precious and he starts screaming and it all seems so cosmically appropriate and finally I pull over cause I just can't see anything and the minute I do my kids come out of their back seat trance and C says,
"Why are we stopped?"
and H says,
"Are we there yet?"

song: Watershed • artist: Indigo Girls

Hotel California

H and I are eating cookies in bed.
We must be on vacation.

song: Hotel California • artist: the Eagles

The Tide is High

Low tide in the Bay of Fundy.

song: The Tide is High • artist: Blondie

Havin' A Party

We picked up 80 bottles and cans from the woods behind NFES on the last day of school and did not donate the proceeds from the returnables to the PTO.
Those elementary school kids sure know how to party.

song: Havin' A Party • artist: Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes

Get Happy

Happiness is a fridge full of fresh strawberries.

song: Get Happy • artist: The Partridge Family

Come Dancing

It's the news you've all been waiting for (now that the Stanley Cup is over) - students of Elena Griffin's belly dancing class will be performing during Arts Alive this Saturday at 4 PM. I will be way in the back hoping I don't trip over my veil so come on down and cheer us on. And don't miss my lovely and talented cousin Lindsey who will be performing a solo!

song: Come Dancing  • artist: The Kinks

Waiting in Vain

Dutifully we waiting until June to plant the tomatoes so they wouldn't get cold.
Looks like we should have waiting until July.

song: Waiting in Vain • artist: Bob Marley

Ridin' In My Car

Now that C has finished his first season of travel soccer one of the other parents asked me if I was going to get a soccer mom bumper sticker for my car.
"I drive a mini van," I said, "it's pretty much assumed I am a soccer mom."
A bumper sticker to that effect would just be redundant.
Like those Priuses going about with Obama campaign stickers on them. Tell me something I don't already know.
That's why I choose the Buy Cape Cod Grown bumper sticker.
That way everyone knows I really would be driving a Prius - if it weren't for all these darn kids.

song: Ridin' In My Car • artist: NRBQ

Have A Heart

"Mom, if it's against the law to relocate wild animals, why do they make Have-a-Heart traps?"

song: Have A Heart • artist: Bonnie Raitt

You Might Think

You would think that over the course of many years I would be an expert or at least passingly adept at both choosing appropriate birthday party gifts for six-year old boys and writing out sympathy cards.
Alas, I have found myself woefully lacking in both departments.

song: You Might Think • artist: The Cars

Early in the Morning

Another day another morning of hard breakfast cereal decisions and of having to convince my children of the improbable.
"Yes. There's butter on your toast. You just can't see it. It melted. Yes. It's really there. Go ahead. Eat it. Eat it."

song: Early in the Morning • artist: Vanity Fair

Your Kiss Is On My List

"How come you didn't eat your watermelon?" C asked H as they emptied out their lunch leftovers into the sink this afternoon.
"Because I didn't have time. I didn't see them." He replied.
What I should have said was, "Dammit, the public school isn't giving you enough time to eat your lunch!"
What I did say was, "Guess I should include a menu in your lunch box so you know what's in it."
So naturally, tomorrow he'll be the only kindergartner with a menu in his lunch box.

song: Your Kiss Is On My List • artist: Hall & Oats

We Are Family

Aunt Betty passed away yesterday.
She and my Uncle Mike raised seven children. I suspect, though my uncle was likely the disciplinarian, most of the raising was done by my aunt. As long as I knew her, Aunt Betty did not have a paying job; her job was raising her seven children. While it may not be the kind of occupation that gets you a shout out in the obituary section of the New York Times, those of us who are now busy raising our one, two, three (or four) children, with the help of DVDs, microwave ovens, and Music Together classes, have at least some idea of the myriad of challenges she faced.
But because one never thinks of what it's like to raise children until one is embroiled in the process themselves, I never thought of that when I visited my aunt and uncle's summer house, which during the work week, was occupied mainly by my aunt and my cousin. Instead, I thought that my Aunt Betty was the best because she made peanut butter and fluff sandwiches with oreo cookies for dessert for Maureen and me and took us down to the town landing so we could go swimming. She helped me pull out my second loose tooth when I was over her house - my first one having been lost on Washburns Island. She let Maureen and I stay up late to watch the Miss American pageant. We would sit on bean bag chairs with pencils and paper and keep our own scores.
On one occasion my parents left me at my aunt and uncle's Lexington house for the afternoon and I promptly threw up in their family room. Aunt Betty didn't bat an eye, she sat me on the couch with a bucket, and brought me coke syrup. Mmmmm. coke syrup.
Aunt Betty was someone who we relied on to be there when we needed her – and she always was. Not only was she there, she always gave the impression that there was nothing else she'd rather be doing than pitching wiffle balls to us or watching some "performance" Maureen and I had cooked up.
It often takes an adult perspective to realize that you had an idyllic childhood and I had one, especially during the summer. My aunt was one of the people who made that possible and for that I am forever indebted.
I hope she had some time to rest back then but if anyone deserves to rest in peace it is my Aunt Betty.

song: We Are Family • artist: Sister Sledge

Could it Be Magic

Hey! I just noticed that I can buy Barry Manilow's Mandy from iTunes for $1.29 but Could it Be Magic is only 99¢. Is Mandy really a whole 30¢ better than Could it Be Magic?
I think not.
I mean for starters Could it Be Magic is like six minutes long and Mandy's only three. That's twice as much Manilow Magic for the money.
What the hell. I'll just buy the whole album and skip the alliterations.
song: Could it Be Magic • artist: Barry Manilow

Gone Daddy Gone

Wednesday night Ken found out the hard way that my new  TV-B-Gone really works.
Because he had the mini van, with my keys, and my key chain, he couldn't help but test it while out for pizza with the boys. You see he didn't realize it's just a universal remote and as such will turn a TV on as well as off. So after testing it out on the hockey game he couldn't very well ask someone to turn the TV back on for fear of being fingered as the culprit who turned it off in the first place.
And that's how curiosity killed the play offs.

song: Gone Daddy Gone • artist: Violent Femmes

Waiting for the Bus

According to C, student behavior on the bus is deteriorating faster than a piece of cardboard left out in the rain. There are third graders teaching swear words to kindergartners, people throwing things, rampant use of "inappropriate language, and kids crawling under the seats. A meeting was held with the principal but chaos still reigns.
I feel for the substitute bus driver. Looks like being young, cute, and buff commands little respect in the world of elementary school bus drivers.
Children relate better to gruff, old and crusty.

song: Waiting for the Bus • artist: ZZ Top

Minute by Minute

The problem with a three year old telling you "just a minute," is that they have no idea how long a minute is.

song: Minute by Minute • artist: the Doobie Brothers

Bicycle Race

A suggestion for bikers on Quaker Road: cars traveling in the same direction don't travel two abreast and neither should you.

song: Bicycle Race • artist: Queen

Cult of Personality

N peruses his options from what's left of "Land Fill Scaped" at the close of Robert Rinder's show at the Provincetown Art Association and Museum.

song: Cult of Personality • artist: Living Colour

Cruel Summer

My children have forgotten what summer is.
Whenever I put short sleeves on N & S they tug on them repeatedly until I help them into long-sleeved sweatshirts.
On Thursday we were going out and I was wearing my skirt with the shorts on underneath (my favorite shorts since the ones from the Army Navy store on Martha's Vineyard finally wore out) and N & S both came over, pointed at my knees and said, "Mommy, pants."
"I am wearing pants, I said. These are shorts."
That's the kind of winter and spring it's been. My children don't remember shorts.

song: Cruel Summer • artist: Bananarama

Don't Talk to Strangers

This week alone brought the conviction of the mother who put her infant in the microwave, the identification of the kindergartner from Texas who was suffocated (presumably) by his mother, the trial of Casey Anderson, who we're pretty sure killed her two year old and then painted her nails, partied, and borrowed a shovel from neighbors afterwards, and the Salt Lake City mother who tried to sell her 13-year-old daughter's virginity for $10,000.
So is it really strangers that kids have to worry about?

song: Don't Talk to Strangers • artist: Rick Springfield

Shower the People

OMG. C just told me that all the black stuff coming off the trees and covering the back yard is caterpillar poop.
I think he's right.

song: Shower the People • artist: James Taylor

Drive

This is what the laundry room (laundry hallway really) looked like after I did three loads of wash on Monday. Is it any wonder I'm so excited about another week of hot-elementary-school bus driver?
After school I suggested the boys make a birthday card for Nana, another one for Brody, and a get well card for our regular bus driver, Cal.
"We should make a card for the substitute bus driver too," suggested my son, "to thank him for driving the bus."
Indeed.

song: Drive • artist: The Cars

Golden Slumbers

Invasion of the Pillow Snatchers: When a three year old climbs in your bed at 2AM.

song: Golden Slumbers • artist: The Beatles

Wild Thing

There was some hot bird sex going on in the garden plot next to ours at the community garden this afternoon.
I tried not to stare but like everyone else, I'm a voyeur at heart.
There are five birdhouses, all kid decorated, hanging up in my yard.
You'd think those birds could have gotten a room.

song: Wild Thing • artist: Tone Loc

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Ken's working tomorrow and I have no plans for the five of us. I was counting on some post-apocalyptic mayhem with which to entertain my kids.
Actually I'm kidding. I just really, really want to use this song title for a post.

song: It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) • artist: REM

World On Fire

It's product endorsement time!
When C was in kindergarten I bought one of those shower curtains with a map of the world on it. I liked it because it was so much bigger than the map that comes free with your subscription to National Geographic and I didn't have to worry about how to frame it or where to hang it.
This morning H noted on his flags of the world place mat that "there's one country that has just a green rectangle for its flag."
"It's Libya right?" I said because I've long thought Libya needs to get more creative with its flag. Are there no graphic designers in Libya?
"Yep." he said.
"Does anyone know where Libya is?" I asked.
"It's in Africa" said Caleb.
"How'd you know that," I said, thinking maybe the public school is discussing the occasional current event after all.
"I spend a lot of time in the bathroom."

song: World On Fire • Artist: Sarah McLachlan

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

Look! A laugh-out-loud line from the section on qualified health claims in Michael Pollen's book "In Defense of Food."
"No doubt we can look forward to a qualified health claim for high-fructose corn syrup, a tablespoon of which probably does contribute to your health - as long as it replaces a comparable amount of say, poison in your diet and doesn't increase the total number of calories you eat in a day."
And to think my son asked me why I never read "anything good."

song: Every Rose Has It's Thorn • artist: Poison

Watch Your Step

It may be raining for two straight weeks but at least  your melons aren't exploding.

song: Watch Your Step • artist: Elvis Costello

Magic Bus II

Don't forget to vote today. With Donald Trump formally stepping out of the race for President, perhaps he'll become Falmouth's next write in candidate.
In other Falmouth news, OMG the substitute bus driver for NFES's bus 18 is really hot! I predict local mothers will be forgoing their usual bus stop attire (sweatpants) and all arrive in faux yoga wear and stilettos.

song: Magic Bus • artist: The Who

Rocket Man

I dreamed we were in a mall, surrounded by flat screen TVs, and couldn't get one store owner to switch channels to the space shuttle launch.
"My children are going to be so disappointed," I pleaded.
Luckily this was not the case.

song: Rocket Man • artist: Elton John

Here Comes the Rain Again, Again (a couplet)

Soccer practice cancellation.
Causes parents jubilation.

song: Here Comes the Rain Again • artist: Eurythmics

It Stoned Me

It's nice to know that home ec skills are thriving at the high school despite the budget crisis.
I wonder if that student would mind sharing tips on how to get the brownies out of the pan; for me, that's always the hardest part.
And honestly, good reporting would have noted whether the brownies were made from scratch or from a mix. Ten dollars does seem kind of high for a brownie made from a mix, no pun intended. Unless you got a coveted corner piece.

song: It Stoned Me • artist: Van Morrison

Mother Earth

H drew a picture of the moon having a conversation with the Earth.
"The moon is a boy you know."
"It is?"
"Yeah, because the Earth is a girl. You know, - Mother Earth."
"But I thought men were from Mars."
"What?"
"Nevermind."

song: Mother Earth • artist: Tom Rush

Once in a Very Blue Moon

There was so much trash on the side of the road between our house and the North Falmouth Elementary School on walk to school day that the boys and I decided to limit what we picked up to the worst offender: plastic.
Anyone who lives with an elementary school student knows that turtles eat plastic bags thinking they are jelly fish and albatross down plastic soda caps like candy. Why don't they teach kids about the potentially harmful plastics (PET, PVC, BPA, etc) they are ingesting themselves?
Anyway, by the looks of what we saw and picked up, I have to conclude that West and North Falmouth residents have a serious nip bottle problem, like smoking those skinny cigars, and save their bottles of Blue Moon beer to redeem but toss the bottle caps out their car windows.

song: Once in a Very Blue Moon • artist: Nanci Griffith

Reason to Believe

Who are all these people who won't believe Bin Laden is dead without seeing a photograph? If they did see a picture would they just say it was manipulated in Photoshop? Are they the same people who wouldn't believe the President was born in Hawaii until they saw a copy of his birth certificate?
It's funny because I bet if you asked them if they believed in God most of them would say yes. Where's their photographic proof of that?

song: Reason to Believe • artist: Rod Stewart

Now We Are Six

When I was one,
I had just begun.
When I was two,
I was nearly new.
When I was three,
I was hardly me.
When I was four,
I was not much more.
When I was five,
I was just alive.
But now I am six,
I'm as clever as clever.
So I think I'll be six
now and forever.

poem: Now We Are Six • author: A.A. Milne

We Didn't Start the Fire

On Friday I had to explain who the Nazis were to C after we saw the "Sound of Music." Today I had to tell him about Osama Bin Laden.
A tough weekend for a history-challenged parent.

song: We Didn't Start the Fire • artist: Billy Joel

That Smell

I wonder if the fish in the tank on one side of the room, can smell the mice in the  cage on the other side of the room and if he can does he wonder when the heck I'm going to clean it up? Perhaps he's hoping I'll just move his tank to another room in the house - before his property values slip any further.

song: That Smell • artist: Lynyrd Skynyrd

Sixteen Going on Seventeen

I think that the two guys who audibly (and rudely) groaned with C and his friend sat down next to them in the theater tonight owe the boys an apology.
Not only did they sit quietly throughout the three-hour performance, they did not like their row mates, drink bottled water during the show. Behavior I'm sure would have been frowned upon by management.
And holy cow, what a  lot of stalls the new woman's bathroom at Highfield Theater has!

song: Sixteen Going on Seventeen • artist: The Sound of Music

Mr. Spaceman

They scrubbed the space shuttle launch with only T minus three-and-a-half hours to go today. I have to admit to being a little disappointed, the astronauts were already on their way to the launch pad.
Think how disappointed they must have felt.
It must take forever to get into those space suits.

song: Mr. Spaceman • artist: The Byrds

Run Around Sue

Oh, I see how it is, you've got to name names if you want any recognition around here. Okay. Fine. I can do that. I'll bet Sue's still on a sports high. Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.
And Esther - don't say I didn't warn her about the meat pies. Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther.

song: Run Around Sue • artist: Dion

Living On A Prayer

Every time I looked for Ken to help out at the lodge on Thursday with chores such as stacking firewood and bringing in water he was sleeping on the couch. It was as if he was playing Peter to my Jesus in an impromptu and well-timed staging of the Maundy Thursday garden of Gethsemane scene where Jesus basically calls Peter a lazy arse for not being able to stay awake for an hour.
And in related religious news I give you:

The Jelly Bean Prayer
Red is for the blood he gave.
Green is for the grass he made.
Yellow is for the sun so bright.
Orange is for the edge of night.
Black is for the sins we made.
White is for the grace he gave.
Purple is for his hour of sorrow.
Pink is for our new tomorrow.
A bag full of jelly beans colorful and sweet
Is a prayer, is a promise, is a special treat.

I've heard the one about the origins of the candy cane, and the passion flower, the significance of the poinsettia, and how pretzels are arms folded in prayer; but jelly beans? Hows about a prayer for the avoidance of tooth decay? A prayer for the parents of children revved up on a sugar high? A prayer for the soulful conversion of Devil Dogs?

song: Living on a Prayer • artist: Bon Jovi

Hey Mickey

First N was choosey about his pajamas.
Then N was choosey about his pants and shirts.
Now N is choosey about his diapers.
Mickey Mouse: good, Sesame Street: bad.

song: Hey Mickey • artist: Toni Basil

I Will Wait

Hootennanny: a gathering at which folksingers entertain often with the audience joining in.
We're planning a trip to the AMC Lodge in Western Mass tomorrow and I was on the lodge's website checking it out and obsessing over how many flashlights to bring when I saw they had a link for places to eat. I opened it, because we're only pseudo campers you know, and up came a listing for the Dream Away Lodge in Becket. Along with great food, the Dream Away is famous (at least according to the Appalachian Mountain Club) for its Wednesday night hootenannies.
Hootenanny. What a hilarious word. It might newly rank with Schenectady and Gnip Ganop in terms of my favorite words.
Today I'm working on the calendar of events for the paper's In Season supplement and see this under the listings for Highfield Hall: Hootenanny on the Hill, July 17, 2 to 6 PM.
I am so going.
And yes, there are songs with the word hootenanny in the title (lots of 'em), but I wasn't familiar with any and therefore didn't feel right about using them.

song: I Will Wait • artist: Hootie and the Blowfish

Small Town

Why is there nothing to make one feel more like a townie than taking one's children to the bowling alley?
It was supposed to rain yesterday but didn't until we got home. It wasn't sunny though. If it had been sunny I'd have felt guilty about being inside.
Bowling is one of those sports that most people just do. No one thinks about signing up for a bowling lesson. Who needs a lesson? We all watched bowling on Saturday mornings when we were kids and it came on after the cartoons were over. I watched until I was able to pull myself out of my sugary-cereal-induced coma long enough to get off the shag carpet and turn off the television. Probably because it was a nice day out and watching bowling on a nice day is even more guilt inducing that playing it.
All I can say about playing yesterday is a) thank goodness they put up the gutter bumpers for H 'cause we all benefited from that, b) check out the fancy new computer screens that keep score for you! and c) I think I pulled a groin muscle.

song: Small Town • artist: John Mellencamp

Trouble Me

You want your son to learn to throw trash away by himself instead of handing it to you so you take his hand and lead him to the trash can where he notices, in with the other refuse, an empty granola bar wrapper.
"I want Daddy snack," he says while depositing the wrapper of the band aid he doesn't need, for the boo boo he doesn't have, into the trash.
"I want Daddy snack," he says again, louder, and you ignore him because you're thinking about "If You Give a Pig a Pancake."
If you give a preschooler a band aid, you mutter under your breath, he'll probably want a granola bar.
Then the band aid gets stuck to itself and he cries that he wants another one and you think that maybe it won't be that much trouble to just throw trash away for him, and his twin brother, for the next 16 years.

song: Trouble Me • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Walk the Line

There is a fine line between people who are boring because they talk only about their children and people who are boring because they talk only about themselves.
Let's all strive to walk it.

song: Walk the Line • artist: Johnny Cash

No Sunlight

Whenever the radio announcer says that there's a gale watch in effect I always think he's saying that there's a whale watch in effect and I wonder who's out looking for whales in weather like this.

song: No Sunlight • artist: Death Cab for Cutie

Crocodile Rock

C threw up at school yesterday and had to miss camp read a lot which very well may have been the greatest disappointment of his life thus far. Even H, who was also sick, was nice to him as he wallowed in the misery of life's unfairness for the rest of the afternoon. Or maybe they were both just too sick to fight.
S accidentally flushed a sock down the toilet. He was pretty upset about it actually.
"Where my sock go?" he fretted.
I was initially horrified that it would instantly clog up our pipes but then remembered how, if urban legend is to be believed, city folks flush alligators down their toilets on a regular basis. Surely a baby alligator is bigger than a single orange-striped Baby Gap sock - ages 24 to 36 months.

song: Crocodile Rock • artist: Elton John

I Alone

How come my kids won't go upstairs alone in their own house with the rest of their family downstairs, but they'll argue to stay behind in the car in a parking lot rather than come into the supermarket with me?

song: I Alone • artist: Live

Downtown

Pickles, cereal, pineapple, a granola bar, and olives - that's what he gets in his lunchbox when his mom has three glasses of wine before packing it.

song: Downtown • artist: Ghandi's Lunchbox

Easy Bake Ovens

The Meringue Debacle (A Tragedy in Two Acts)

Act I: (The Dining Room, St. Patrick's Day) We invited some of Ken's running friends over for dinner. One of the guys, a kid really, 24-year-old Evan, came bearing cloud cookies. The kids devoured them.
"They're so easy to make," he said.

Act II: (The Kitchen, several days later) The twins are engrossed in their favorite mid-morning activity, playing in the bathroom sink and I, looking to distract them, say, "you guys wanna bake some cookies?"
I print out the first meringue cookie that Google provides, and we're off. Ingredients added, I snigger over instructions to whip the batter into "stiff peaks" because that's the kind of immature 43-year-old mother of four that I am, get out the electric mixer, and get to it. Twenty minute later and my peaks are nowhere near stiff, barely aroused is more like it; in fact I ask them what their problem is and first they pretended to be asleep, they they roll over and tell me they are too tired - and - they have a headache.
Disillusioned I consult Google again. This time I find all manner of meringue caveats. Don't make meringue on rainy days (it was raining). Use room temperature eggs (ours were straight out of the fridge). Don't dump all the sugar in at once (I dumped). Make sure no yoke gets mixed in with the egg whites (I let the twins help separate the eggs). Don't let the batter sit for more than five minutes before putting it in the oven (OMG! I've been reading these online instructions for like 15!)
Know how you go to explain something simple to someone and when you're finished you throw in a conciliatory "it ain't rocket science?" It turns out that making meringue IS rocket science and my bachelor's degree is in graphic design.
Lacking an emergency stash of culinary Viagra, and feeling my parenting skills being usurped by a 24-year old bachelor, (good mothers can makes cookies right? especially ones that are mostly air) the question now was whether or not to push on through or to throw the whole thing out and pretend like it never happened.
I put them in the oven, figuring that bad cookies were better than no cookies. They came out flat; as flat as the course of the Nantucket Marathon; as flat as the shoreline at low tide; as flat as my profile in my prom dress.
My kids condescended to eat them anyway but I can tell that they wish Evan was their mother.

song: Easy Bake Ovens • artist: Girlyman

What Kind of Fool (II)

Ken and C put jello in my tea pot!
They are so going to get it.

song: What Kind of Fool • artist: Barbra Striesand

What Kind of Fool

Just finished scraping filling out of Oreo cookies and replacing it with toothpaste for C's lunch.
He should be immediately suspicious because: a) He's never gotten Oreos in his lunch before and b) They smell really minty.

song: What Kind of Fool  • artist: Barbra Streisand

Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)

In desperation I drove the twins around North Falmouth this afternoon trying to get them to fall asleep.
They've got 200 channels on Sirius, so where's the all lullabies all the time station?

song: Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) • artist: Billy Joel

Things Can Only Get Better

There's an unopened bag of mini marshmallows in the cupboard. Do you know what that means? It means I didn't make enough hot chocolate for my children this winter.
Bad Mommy!
On a positive note, I've now got three ski passes hanging off my winter coat.
I'm the cool ski kid I always wanted to be 30 years ago!

song: Things Can Only Get Better • artist: Howard Jones

How I hate articles and ads like this.
The text is about the positive effects of pregnancy; lower cancer risk, more effective brain, etc.
Could they please use a model who looks as if she's actually had a baby?
My improved-by-pregnancy brain tells me that this woman not look as if she's ever borne children. Not only that, she appears to have no breasts so it's doubtful she's even entered puberty yet.

song: Maybe Baby • artist: The Crickets

mourning morning (a couplet)

i wish my shower
could last an hour

Sock It To Me Baby

When will someone invent socks and shoes that stay on toddlers? Or mittens that can be put on without reducing both parent and three year old to tears?
From last spring:
I leave the house for preschool pick up with N & S, both have socks on their feet and no shoes.
I arrive at preschool and S has socks on hands. I collect H.
I arrive back at the end of our street to meet the elementary school bus and S has socks back on feet. N has socks on hands.
As we wait for school bus S puts socks back on hands. Both wave sock-puppet hands around, opening and closing sock-puppet mouths in silent song. I am reminded of Edvard Munch's "The Scream."
By the time the bus has deposited C the score stands at S with no socks on hand or feet, N with socks back on feet.

song: Sock It To Me Baby • artist: Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels

Chelsea Morning

Bemoaning this morning (yet again) that it's such an unpleasant struggle to wake up my children and motivate them downstairs to eat breakfast - I thought how nice (and improbable) it would be to have kids who leapt out of bed on the first wake up call. The only real options are to have kids who don't want to get out of bed at 8AM or to have kids who get up at 6AM and expect you to get up too. There is no in between and no parent is truly happy with either scenario.
Despite the fable of Goldilocks, nothing is every "just right."
Last night I read that H.A. Rey (co-author of the ether-sniffing Curious George) used his initials instead of his actual name (Hans Augusto) because so many childrens' book authors of that day were women, it was felt that a man may not be accepted as a writer of kid's fiction by the general public.
Fifty years later, J.K. Rowling published Harry Potter using only her initials because her publishers felt that their target audience of 10-year-old boys, would not read an adventure book written by a girl.

song: Chelsea Morning • artist: Joni Mitchell

Lonesome Whistle

First snow of spring.

song: Lonesome Whistle • artist: Hank Snow

Kiss that Frog II

Damn!

song: Kiss that Frog • artist: Peter Gabriel

Kiss that Frog

I've made a pact with my son's one remaining frog that if I stop staring at it constantly, it won't die on me.
I'm afraid, though, that it's not going to uphold its end of the bargain.

song: Kiss that Frog • artist: Peter Gabriel

Catch the Wind

Did you know that, according to H, after you catch a leprechaun, you are supposed to squeeze him? Who knew there were instructions beyond just trying to catch one?

song: Catch the Wind • artist: Donovan

Purple Haze

Harold and the Purple Crayon has long been one of my favorite children's books. It's got simple line drawings and great text full of clever double entendre such as "Harold made his bed," and "he drew up the covers."
But tonight, maybe thanks to an extra glass of wine before story time, the whole Harold and the Purple Crayon-thing seemed like a bad acid trip. Not that I've ever been on an acid trip, bad or otherwise. Harold and his shaky hand drawing that ocean that almost swallows him up. Harold climbing the mountain which has no other side and then falling into nothingness. Can't you just hear Cheech and Chong in the background going, "Far Out Man!"
If that were the case though, Harold and the Purple Crayon would have to be a stoner book. And it could be that too - Harold draws himself a substantial snack, and his two friends are a "very hungry moose" and a "deserving porcupine."
Even the purple crayon seems psychedelic. It would be a whole different story if he'd of had a blue crayon.
I wonder if Harold and the Purple Crayon was written in the same year that Curious George sniffed ether after his ill-fated window-washing job.

song: Purple Haze • artist: Jimmy Hendrix

She's So Cold

Being a parent means not being able to find your car keys half the time but knowing exactly where the big magnifying glass is; which was useful this morning in checking out the frost on the grass and leaves.
We put one particularly good leaf specimen in our freezer. It's in there with the snowball, and the dead frog.

song: She's So Cold • artist: Rolling Stones

Tonight's The Night

Springing forward: the best hour of sleep I ever lost.

song: Tonight's The Night • artist: Rod Stewart

Time Stand Still

The Tao of My Twins: Lesson #7

If you suddenly look up and the clock reads 3:45 and you have to be at the bus stop at 3:55 lest your children be taken back to the elementary school leaving you to look like crap mom when you have to drive in and walk down the hall of shame to pick them up at extended day, inevitably as soon as you shove your twins into their boots and coats one of them will inform you that he's got a "dirty deedee."
Crap!

song: Time Stand Still • artist: Rush

Christmas Don't Be Late

This is what it's come down to. Tonight we baited a have-a-heart trap with a dirty diaper in hopes of catching the chipmunk who's been getting into the house. We think it's a chipmunk at least though H offered, hopefully, that it could be a leprechaun.
The boys and I went walking in Beebe Woods yesterday. It was the first 60-degree day of 2011 so naturally the trails were awash in families, dog walkers, joggers, and mountain bikers. Not too far from the big rock, S and N decided that they had to go to the bathroom so I had no alternative but to hustle them 10 feet off the path and aim them towards a convenient tree. No less than a dozen people walked by while they were doing their thing and I was left performing the what-can-you-do shrug and flashing a half smile that conveyed, "it's out of my hands."
Further along, also 10 feet off the path, H announced that there's dog poop and someone should have brought a bag for it.
I tried to explain that poop 10 feet off the path is fine right where it is and doesn't need to be in a plastic bag.
I felt like adding that when I was a kid nobody collected their pet's waste in plastic bags and that whenever you went outside there was an ever-present danger of stepping into poop and that you just had to live with that kind of peril day in and day out. And eventually you did step in poop and the adults in your life told you it wasn't a big deal and that in fact it "builds character" and to go wipe you Keds on some leaves in the backyard before getting into the car.
Expect for at our house, were we just might use your dirty shoe in the chipmunk trap.

song: Christmas Don't Be Late • artist: Alvin & the Chipmunks

Because The Night

Some people put their clothes into a laundry basket at the end of the day, pile them in the hall, or, if they aren't that dirty, fold them neatly and place them atop their blanket chest.
Not exhausted mothers. At least not this one.
I prefer to step out of my clothes and leave them puddled directly at the head of my bed as if instead of disrobing and climbing into bed, I simply melted into the floor, wicked-witch-of-the-west style, leaving the days duds behind.
"You cursed brats! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought good little children like you could sap all my beautiful energy? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh! ... to bed."

song: Because The Night • artist: 10,000 Maniacs

Charlie Brown

There are many other Peanuts specials besides "A Charlie Brown Christmas." There's "It's Arbor Day Charlie Brown," "You're In Love Charlie Brown," and "It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown," just to name a few. Most of these, with the possible exception of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," are nowhere near as good as the classic Christmas tale of the round-headed kid and the tiny Christmas tree.
But despite their failings, they all remain true to one central theme. Charlie Brown always comes up the loser. He never kicks the football. He never gets his kite in the air. He, and we, think that it's going to happen - we're used to the happy ending - but for Charlie Brown there's no feel-good final inning in which his baseball team pulls it out at the last minute - no miracle on ice, no comeback kid, no field of dreams.
Charlie Brown brings a briefcase to school and doesn't get one single valentine. He gets rocks for Halloween. When it's his turn, the Easter Beagle runs out of eggs. Charlie Brown is more lifelike that any Disney character and his story is more like reality than any of those pull-it-out-at-the-last-minute tales, even the true ones. Charlie Brown doesn't even seem to have the comfort of involved and understanding parents; and look - he's already in therapy.
Charlie Brown's chronicles drive home the point that life is not fair. It's not just that Charlie Brown lacks talent. When it comes to that darn football kick - it's Lucy who screws him every time. He can't catch a break. In "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," our hero's team looses the homecoming game by one point because of a missed kick which was thwarted by Lucy - who must be some sort of double agent for the other team. Later in the locker room after the game the whole team comes over to berate Charlie Brown, led by team captain Peppermint Patty. No building up our hero. No saying, "we know you did your best, we'll get them next time." Even Lucy, who's really to blame, instead of apologizing, gives him the what for. "It's just not fair," you want to yell at your television, but I guess that's the point.
Life is more like Charlie Brown's football game than Breaking Away or Ice Castles or any of those other movies in which underdogs overcome the odds to make it to the big time.
And yet Charlie Brown keeps on going. Like the biblical Job, he rarely curses his fate. And in "It's Your First Kiss Charlie Brown," he does get to kiss the little red-headed girl of his dreams. Proving what Tom Petty has known all along, "even the losers, get lucky sometimes."
Good news for the rest of us.

song: Charlie Brown • artist: The Coasters