V is for Villains

10 Evil Villains who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

1. Voldemort
2. Sauron
3. Mr. Hyde
4. Sweeney Todd
5. Bill Sikes
6. The White Witch
7. Mordred
8. The Joker
9. The Wicked Witch of the West
10. Captain Hook

U is for Uncle

10 of my relations who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

1. My uncle Mike because he was a engineer at Raytheon which makes him wicked smart.
2. My cousin Joseph, even though he's Canadian, because he's a great storyteller
3. My nephew Anthony even though he's only 6 months old.
4. My cat Leo.
5. My husband Ken because he always watches our annual town meetings when they are on cable.
6. My son Silas because he's knows so much about President Lincoln.
7. My cousin Lindsey because she'd bring belly dancing to the White House.
8. My cousin Jim because I don't think we've had a motorcycle-riding president yet.
9. My cousin Johnny because he's a lawyer.
10. My great grandmother Hatch because she always read the newspaper.

T is for Texas

10 Texans who would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. Joan Crawford
2. Walter Cronkite
3. Willie Nelson
4. Carol Burnett
5. Kenny Rogers
6. J.R. Ewing
7. Lyle Lovett
8. Gene Roddenberry
9. Sissy Spacek
10. Pecos Bill

S is for Seinfeld

10 Minor Characters from Seinfeld that would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. The Soup Nazi
2. Uncle Leo
3. Crazy Joe Davola
4. Mr. Pitt
5. Lloyd Braun
6. The Bubble Boy
7. David Puddy
8. Morty Seinfeld
9. Newman
10. Mr. Peterman

R is for Rock & Roll

10 Deceased Rockers who would have made better presidents than Donald Trump

1. Roy Orbison
2. Buddy Holly
3. Janis Joplin
4. Joe Cocker
5. Jim Morrison
6. Freddie Mercury
7. Donna Summer
8. Bob Marley
9. Michael Jackson
10. David Bowie

Q is for Questionable Intentions

10 Shady Characters who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

1. Billy the Kid
2. William "Devil Anse" Hatfield (with Randolph McCoy as VP)
3. Huck Finn's Dad
4. Benedict Arnold
5. Bonnie (with Clyde as VP)
6. Caligula
7. Machiavelli
8. Lizzy Borden
9. Mata Hari
10. Artemis Fowl

P is for Patriarch

10 TV Dads who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.*

1. Mike Brady
2. The Dad from Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home
3. Archie Bunker
4. Ward Cleaver
5. Reuben Kincaid (he was like the dad on the Partridge Family)
6. Howard Cunningham
7. Al Bundy
8. Tom Bradford (Eight is Enough)
9. Steven Keaton (Family Ties)
10. Hal (Malcolm in the Middle) - no last name given

*Before anyone brings it up, I already used Homer Simpson and Fred Flintstone in the C is for Cartoon Characters...

O is for Oscar the Grouch

10 Muppets who would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. Kermit the Frog (w/Miss Piggy as secretary of defense "hiya!"
2. Bert (w/Ernie as his VP)
3. Gonzo
4. Snuffaluffagus
5. Beaker
6. Scooter
7. Animal
8. Elmo
9. Fozzie Bear
10. Grover

N is for Nest

10 Celebs with Avian-inspired names who would make better presidents than Donald Trump*

1. Charlie Bird
2. Big Bird
3. Captain Jack Sparrow
4. Larry Bird
5. Ladybird Johnson
6. Jay Leno
7. Carolyn Bird (w/Courtney as her VP)
8. Florence Nightingale
9. Christopher Wren
10. Robin Gibb

*Sure Court & Carolyn are celebrities! They've got the most famous Road Race party in town right?

M is for Monsters

10 Monsters who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

1. Frankenstein's Monster
2. The Blob
3. Sullivan (w/Mike as VP)
4. The Abominable Snowman
5. Big Foot
6. The Loch Ness Monster
7. The Kraken
8. The Chupacabra
9. Smeagol w/Smaug as his VP
10. The Golem of Prague

L is for Literature

10 Children's Book Characters who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.*

1. Professor Snape
2. Amelia Bedelia (she was stupid but at least she could cook)
3. Ramona Quimby
4. Rhyme and Reason (with Tock as their VP)
5. Charlotte A. Cavatica
6. Pippi Longstocking
7. Willie Wonka
8. Frodo Baggins (with Sam as VP)
9. Mary Poppins
10. Tom Sawyer

*All of them should consider either Harriet the Spy or Flat Stanley as their head of the FBI.

K is for King

10 Kings who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

1. King Kong
2. Carole King
3. Billie Jean King
4. Burger King
5. Martin Luther King
6. King Tut
7. Stephen King
8. King Herod
9. King Arthur
10. B.B. King

J is for Jocks

10 Athletes who would make better presidents than Donal Trump.

1. Rosie Ruiz
2. Hans and Franz
3. Tonya Harding
4. Pete Rose
5. OJ Simpson
6. Mike Tyson
7. Lance Armstrong
8. Hulk Hogan
9. Jesse Ventura
10. Rocky Balboa (with Apollo Creed as VP)

I is for Inanimate

10 Inanimate Objects that would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. The Skin Horse (Velveteen Rabbit)
2. Herbie the Love Bug
3. The Tea Pot (Beauty and the Beast)
4. The Door Knocker (A Chistmas Carol)
5. Kit (Knight Rider)
6. Lightening McQueen (Cars)
7. Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)
8. The California Raisons
9. Woody (with Buzz Lightyear as VP)
10. Stephen King's Christine. Because even a homicidal hot rod is better than Donald Trump for President.

H is for Horton (hears a Who)

10 Characters created by Dr. Seuss who would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. The Lorax
2. The Spooky Green Pants with Nobody Inside Them
3. Yertle the Turtle
4. The Grinch (w/Max as VP)
5. Thidwick the Big Hearted Moose
6. Bartholomew Cubbins
7. Little Cindy Lou Who
8. The Cat in the Hat (with the Fish in the Bowl as VP)
9. Oobleck
10. Marco

G is for Girl Power

10 Kick-Ass Women who would make better presidents than Donald Trump
I couldn't decide between real or fictional so here's 5 of each

1. Thelma (with Louise as VP)
2. Dana Scully
3. Sabrina Duncan
4. Flo (the Progressive Insurance gal)
5. Hermione Granger
6. Patty Smith
7. Betty White
8. Michelle Obama
9. Maya Angelou
10. Erin Brockovich

F is for Funnies

10 Comic Strip Characters who would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. Linus VanPelt
2. Little Orphan Annie
3. Bill the Cat (Ack!)
4. Mike Doonesbury
5. Calvin (with Hobbs as VP)
6. Jason the geeky math brother from Fox Trot
7. Garfield (with Norbert as his VP)
8. Cathy
9. The talking amoeba in the Far Side
10. Dilbert

E is for (class of) Eighty Six

10 Members from my graduating class (FHS class of 1986) who would make better presidents than Donald Trump*

1. Craig Stevens
2. Clayton Jones
3. Gunnar Trumbull
4. Joanna Lowell
5. Troy Clarkson
6. Michael Moratta
7. Kristin Vokey
8. Sachi Shimomura
9. Jose Lima
10. Sandra Fetters

*I limited this to classmates who are still alive. I also have, sadly, several late classmates - all of whom also would have made way better presidents than Donald Trump.

D is for (gone to the) Dogs

10 Heroic Dogs who would make better presidents than Donald Trump

1. Balto
2. Barry the St. Bernard
3. Lassie
4. Buck (Call of the Wild)
5. Old Yeller
6. Luath & Bodger (the Incredible Journey)
7. Pongo and Perdita (101 Dalmations)
8. Searchlight (Stone Fox)
9. White Fang
10. Rin Tin Tin

C is for Cartoons

10 Cartoon Characters who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.
It was hard to limit it to 10, I'm sure I missed some worthy candidates.

1. Fred Flintstone (with Wilma as VP)
2. Homer Simpson (with Lisa as VP)
3. Scooby Doo (with Daphne as VP)
4. Elmer Fudd (with Yosemite Sam as his VP)
5. The Tasmanian Devil
6. Yogi Bear (because he's smarter than the average bear!)
7. Bugs Bunny (with Daffy Duck as his VP)
8. George Jetson
9. Beavis (with Butt-Head as VP) or vice versa, doesn't really matter.
10. Spongebob Squarepants

B is for Bodacious

10 Hot Actors who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.
(Hot to me that is, it's a relative term)

1. Christian Slater
2. Jeff Goldblum
3. John Malkovich (Dangerous Liaisons)
4. Nicholas Cage
5. Johnny Depp
6. Hugh Grant
7. Colin Firth
8. David Duchovny
9. Lawrence Olivier (Wuthering Heights)
10. John Cusack

A is for Anthropomorphic

10 Anthropomorphic Animals that would make better presidents than Donald Trump:

1. Frog (with Toad as VP)
2. Sylvester (when he was a rock)
3. Babar the Elephant
4. Lyle (the crocodile)
5. Olivia
6. Pete the Cat
7. Arthur Read (with D.W. as his VP)
8. Gerald (with Piggy as his VP)
9. the dad from the Berenstain Bears
10. The Cheshire Cat

Always on my Mind

It's time again for the A to Z challenge.
And while as a parent, I could tell you about how my eight-year old still wets the bed even with two alarm clocks, how his twin brother refuses to cut his hair or wear pants that don't look like clam diggers with holes in the knees, or how my 10-year old got a 67 on his quiz on nouns and verbs, despite special tutoring with Ed, this is what's been on my mind so I'm going to run with it.
These lists were fun to make.
Hope it's not too tedious.

song: Always on my Mind • artist: Willie Nelson

Can't Shake These Blues

Note to new parents:
Easter is a time when you must pick your poison.
Which will it be?
Put candy in the eggs and rot out their teeth.
Put money in the eggs and emphasize consumerism and commercial gain.
Put plastic crap in them and ultimately destroy the planet.
Damn You! Easter Bunny!

song: Can't Shake These Blues • artist: Chris Smither

To Love Somebody

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker (or bumphah stickah if you live in MA) that proclaimed "I love my husband." Well the love was a red heart so technically it said "I heart my husband," but you get the drift.
Is this what it comes down to? We need a bumper sticker to proclaim our love - - for the person we married?
Of course you love your husband! Who says you don't?
Loving your husband is a given - the only thing that's new information here is that your husband is so insecure he needs his wife to declare his love for him on the back of her freakin' car.
Or maybe she's just really, really attractive and has to fend off unwanted advances.
"I love my husband."
so back off buddy!

song: To Love Somebody • artist: Bee Gees

Suddenly I See

me: "So did you learn anything new at school today?"
him: "No. Nothing. I got dumber."
Apparently second grade is when they teach sarcasm

song: Suddenly I See • artist:  KT Tunstall

I'm Eighteen

Putting things in perspective.
If Bernie gets elected and then runs for a second term, C will be able to vote for him.

song: I'm Eighteen • artist: Alice Cooper

I Can't Thank You Enough

My cat should go into the home organizing business.
Clean my nightstand by knocking everything onto the floor?
Thanks Leo!
Why didn't I think of that?

song: I Can't Thank You Enough • artist: Carly Simon

Happy Birthday Blues

It was 50 degrees on my birthday, which can't be good. There are fruit files in the kitchen in February and the day lily shoots are six inches tall in the front yard.
But who can worry about climate change when they've got the all-Billy Joel channel on satellite radio and new episodes of X-Files on TV?
Way to obfuscate the issues America.
As if FB weren't enough of a distraction.

song: Happy Birthday Blues • artist: BB King

Magnet and Steel

This week I found out that sticking your credit card in your vest pocket with your kids' magnets really will muck up the card's magnetic strip. Not an old wive's tale. Just so you know.
I also found out that the only thing more annoying that having your credit card get ruined by magnets is to have to explain in advance to the gas station attendant that your card is perfectly valid but won't scan. And then to explain why. And then to have the attendant look at you askance, like you're a crazy old lady, a crazy old shyster lady, and then go off and try to swipe your card through the machine anyway.
Which leads, because she swiped it several times before giving up, to your credit card's fraud detection agency being alerted to suspicious activity and calling to make sure that really was you purchasing $35 bucks worth of gas. And you think $35 bucks? It only took $35 bucks to fill up my tank? Woah.
Which makes you forget all about the magnets and the credit card.

song: Magnet and Steel • artist: Walter Egan

Sweet Dreams

I asked H why he was wearing his shorts to bed under his fleece pajama bottoms and he told me that he hadn't had any bad dreams since he started wearing his shorts to bed so why mess with a good thing.
There's no come back for that kind of logic.
Rock on my short's wearing son.
Sweet dreams.

song: Sweet Dreams • artist: The Eurythmics

Major Tom

People have been posting on FB about where they were and what they were doing 30 years ago today when the space shuttle exploded. I can tell you exactly where I was - in the school library - must have been a study hall.

But what I remember most about that tragedy was that the weekend after it happened my boyfriend was home from college and we went to see Out of Africa at the Nickelodeon. After the movie we were leaving out the side exit to the back parking lot when I realized he was crying. It took me a minute to figure out he wasn't crying because (spoiler alert) Robert Redford's plane crashed, he was crying about the astronauts.

That's what I remember most about the Challenger explosion.

song: Major Tom • artist: David Bowie

I'll Never Fall in Love Again

Love Stinks   (J. Giles)
Love Hurts   (Nazareth)
Love Bites   (Def Leppard)
Ouch.

song: I'll Never Fall in Love Again • artist: Dionne Warwick

Alive and Kicking

When I was a kid things were simpler.
We had one jar. Skippy Peanut Butter.
Now we have the good peanut butter (cookies) and the cheap peanut butter (mouse traps). 
Aside from that there's the almond butter and the soy nut butter, the sunflower butter and the sesame butter.
Some go in the fridge and some do not.
You have to read the labels.

song: Alive and Kicking • artist: Simple Minds

I Was Made for Dancing

Leif Erikson sailed 1,000 miles from Greenland to North America in order to bring back timber to his tree-sparse homeland. It was a three-year journey.
My kids complain when they are asked to go to the garage to get logs for the wood stove.

song: I Was Made for Dancing • artist: Leif Garrett

Let it Grow

Seed catalogues in the mail today!
Gardner porn!

song: Let it Grow • artist: Eric Clapton

Twilight Zone

The family that watches the New Year's Twilight Zone Marathon together, gets freaked out by the ventriloquist and his creepy dummy episode together.

song: Twilight Zone • artist: Golden Earring

Santa Will Find You

Creepiest holiday song title ever.

song: Santa Will Find You • artist: Mindy Smith

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Woah. Christmas Day is almost over?
Kinda slept in this morning.
I was up late kissing Santa Claus last night.
Damn mistletoe.
Hope no one saw me.

song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus • artist: Tommie Connor

The Christmas Song

Christmas Songs for 2016
1. I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. I Wanna Adopt an Endangered Hippopotamus for Christmas
3. We Three Democratically-Elected Kings
4. Baby It's Not That Cold Outside (Thanks, Global Warming!)
5. Frosty the Snowperson
6. It's a Gluten-Free Marshmallow World
7. I'm Dreaming of an Ethnically-Diverse Christmas
8. The Nut-Free Cracker
9. You're a Mean One, Mr. Trump
10. Christmas Island: Is Under Water (Thanks, Global Warming!)
11. Oh Sustainably-Harvested Christmas Tree
12. I No Longer Wonder as I Wander (Thanks, GPS!)

song: The Christmas Song • artist: Nat King Cole

Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside

Sixty five degrees on Cape Cod on December 24?
Guess I'll be wearing my sun dress to midnight mass.

song: Baby It's (Not) Cold Outside • Lyricist: Frank Loesser

Christmas Wrapping

Speed wrapping.
Is that an Olympic sport?

song: Christmas Wrapping • artist: The Waitresses

Life in a Northern Town

I just gave $2 to the Salvation Army guy outside Stop and Shop. 

I think he told me he loved me and that I should try not to drink and drive.

Or maybe he was just mumbling to himself.

song: Life in a Northern Town • artist: The Dream Academy

Tradition

Someday my grandchildren will ask my children (probably for an elementary-school project) what were some of the holiday traditions they had when they were kids. Did you play special music or eat special foods?
And my kids will say, "Well, your grandmother used to obsessively call the local radio station trying to register for the giant stocking giveaway. Sometimes she would make us try and call in at the same time on the other cell phone."
#callernumberthreeagaindammit!!@#$#%@@#**%$

song: Tradition • musical: Fiddler on the Roof

Candy

One great thing about having kids is that you can rummage around in the back of your mini van and usually come up with some snacks.
Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!
Two of them!
Score!

song: Candy • artist: Iggy Pop

Whats So Funny 'Bout Peace Love and Understanding?

N told me that some of his friends have elf on the shelves that "do funny things."
Great. Now there's elf on the shelf peer pressue.
"What kind of funny things?" I asked.
"Like they pull all the toilet paper off the roll. Or they dump the trash on the floor."
"That doesn't sound funny. That sounds bad.
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

song; Whats So Funny 'Bout Peace Love and Understanding? • artist: elvis costello

Gonna Fly Now

The domestic version of flying to close to the sun must be vacuuming to close to the socks.

song: Gonna Fly Now (Rocky's theme) • artist: Bill Conti

What You Need

So much of Christmas is about figuring out what your kids need and then making them wait until December 25 to get it.
#newshoesockssweathshirtsandsocceruniforms

song: What You Need • artist: INXS

1979

Dropping off the the jack-o-lanterns at Compost With Me feels weirdly like disposing of a body. If, that is, I knew what disposing of a body felt like.

song: 1979 • artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Time in on my Side

Can I gain a daylight savings hour every night?

song: Time is on my Side • artist: The Rolling Stones

The Company Way

The bright side of your kid wetting the bed two nights in a row?
The laundromat's tv airing "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" while you wait for your sheets to wash.

song: The Company Way • musical: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Walk This Way

Missing the afternoon bus and having to drive into the school and sheepishly collect your kids from after school care: The Parental Walk of Shame.

song: Walk This Way • artist: Aerosmith

Touch Me

setting: supermarket produce aisle
C: "Why do you have to pick up each bean one at a time? Can't you just grab a handful?
me: "I don't know, I guess it's because your grandmother picked string beans one at a time and besides - if you touch each green bean individually it means you care more. Parents who just grab a big handful obviously don't love their children."
C: big eye roll

song: Touch Me • artist: The Doors

Can't Find My Way Home

There was a small lost child at the middle school monster bash tonight.
A helpful adult approach him and asked him who he'd come to the event with.
"My mommy."
"And what was your Mommy wearing," said the adult.
"Clothes," said the child.

song: Can't Find My Way Home • artist: Eric Clapton

One is the Loneliest Number

Don't you always feel sorry for the one sock out of the pair that doesn't have a hole in it?
It usually gets thrown out with its mate, a perfectly good sock, struck down in its prime.
It seems kinda barbaric.
Like those Egyptian pharaoh's whose entire court would be sacrificed and buried with him upon his death. That's been debunked and relabeled as a myth by the way. But the sacrificial second sock? A sad practice that's all too real.

song: One is the Loneliest Number • artist: Three Dog Night

I Won't Grow Up

H: "Mommy, you know how in Peter Pan the kids all live in Never, Never Land where they don't have to grow up? I think the opposite of that must be Ever, Ever Land where everyone is a grown up all the time."
Me: "Sounds awful. I'm pretty sure I live there."

song: I Won't Grow Up • musical: Peter Pan

Crash Into Me

me: "I know it's hard when you're not feeling well but if you have to throw up in bed, it's better if you just throw up in the middle of the bed than lean over the edge and throw up on your bed, your brother's bottom bunk, and the floor. Understand?"
him: "I think so."
It's just like the Titanic, if only they had hit the iceberg head on rather that ripping a big gash along side the ship in an effort to avoid the collision - the overall damage would have been so much less.

song: Crash Into Me • artist: Dave Matthews Band

The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man

Note to new parents, one day your child will enter the Guinness Book of World Records stage. Yes, this is a real stage, mark the section in the library, it will save you money when your child comes home with the Scholastic flyer and wants to order the 2016 edition (how the hell can it be out when it's still 2015?)
Likely the Guinness Book of World Records stage will be entered by your child just after the jokes and riddles stage, which, frustratingly, he or she will enter just before they actually learn how to read.

song: The Tattooed Lady and the Alligator Man • artist: Marcia Ball

Toothless Smile

S lost a tooth today. That's three teeth in less than a month, which would be alarming if he was 77 and not 7.

song: Toothless Smile • artist: Weird Al Yankovic

It's a Man's World

Why do they call it Scrub Daddy?

Everyone knows that it's Mommies who do all the cleaning.

Guess the manufacturer is trying to appeal to the ironic consumer.

song: It's a Man's World • artist: James Brown

Parenting is...

letting a huge moth in the house at the same time you're sweeping out the spider.

Crazy in the Night

It used to be that the town crazies biked around town and talked to themselves. Loudly.
Nowadays the town crazies bike around town talking on their cell phones. Loudly.
They might still be talking to no one.
But for better for worse they look like the rest of us.

song: Crazy in the Night • artist: Kim Carnes

Bodhisattva

So lately I've been writing down the titles to parenting books that look interesting, because pretty soon my kids will be back in school and then, instead of parenting them, I can read books about parenting them.
Anywho, I'd just like to point out to the authors of Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn't Drive Carpool and If Buddha Had Kids: Raising Children to Create a More Peaceful World, that, up, Buddha did have a kid. A son, who, along with his mom, became one of his dad's disciples.

song: Bodhisattva • artist: Steely Dan

Girlfriend

Things you don't want to hear from the backseat when you're driving the car.

H: Mommy, there are a lot of fruit flies back here.

song: Girlfriend • artist: Matthew Sweet

Stuck in the Middle with You

Apologies to my youngest (by five minutes) child whose life I have apparently ruined by suggesting he sit in the middle row of the mini van.

song: Stuck in the Middle with You • artist: Stealers Wheel

If I Had a Million Dollars

It's a shame we all can't live our lives with the optimism of children who pick up lottery tickets in parking lots because maybe, just maybe, somebody dropped a winner.

song: If I Had a Million Dollars • artist: Barenaked Ladies

Slip Sliding Away

They say that you're supposed to apply sunscreen a half hour before you go out in the sun but what they don't tell you is that if you do, you'll be quite incapacitated for that half hour.
You're still at home right? Because it's a half hour before you're going out in the son but now your hand are all greased up - you can't open the jar of jelly, your hands slip off the refrigerator door (leaving a big smear), you pick up your sunglasses and leave a greasy fingerprint on them, you can't twist the cap of the UV protection lip gloss. 
You finally make it out the door, after you wrap a towel around the door knob so you can get a grip on it, but of course now your hands are slipping and sliding on the steering wheel; so you're safe from the sun - but other drivers might not be safe from you. 

song: Slip Sliding Away • artist: Paul Simon

After Midnight

Now that it's summer I can set the alarm for 7:15 rather than 7 AM.
And folks, that's the difference between summer and winter - 15 minutes.

song: After Midnight • artist: Eric Clapson

Polk Salad Annie

Salad of the Day sounds good.
Salad of the Month sounds - less good.

song: Polk Salad Annie • artist Tony Joe White

Do You Know Where You're Going To? (Theme from Mahogany)

Does Your Mother Know (ABBA)
Your Mother Should Know (the Beatles)

I love it when to songs talk to each other. And I couldn't agree more.

song: Do You Know Where You're Going To? (Theme from Mahogany) • artist: Diana Ross

She's So Cold

If April showers bring May flowers.
What do May flowers bring?
The Pilgrims right?
Wrong.
Freakin' cold weather. That's what.
Last night it was 8°C. That's about 46 for you fahrenheit folks. That after a high of 52°F during the day.
I wore leggings to dance class and not the knee-length ones neither, the ankle leggings.
At this rate we'll all be wearing parkas to field day.
I wore my flannels to bed and not the flannel teddy neither.

song: She's So Cold • artist: The Rolling Stones

Let it Blow

You don't realize how windy is it until you're out on the water and you don't realize how dry it is until you're out in the garden.

song: Let it Blow • artist: Richard Thompson

Parenting is...

bringing the stuffed gorilla in the car with you everywhere you go so he won't "be lonely," while S is at school.

Sunglasses at Night

You know how soldiers who've lost limbs in battle often experience feeling a phantom limb by feeling pain or some sort of sensation in (or I guess where) the missing limb would have been?
Well the same thing happens to me except that it's not the phantom limb syndrome, it's the phantom sunglasses on my head syndrome.
I wonder if I can retire with, or at least claim it as, a disability.
It causes me to put my hand up to my temples repeatedly - like 10 times in an hour.
That's pretty disabling.

song: Sunglasses at Night • artist: Corey Hart

Somebody Turned on the Light

You know times are tough when you're so busy at work you run into the ladies room and don't have time to turn on the lights (because you know how long it takes to flip a switch - right?).
But then you're in the stall and you realize you may have made an error in judgement because it's raining out and consequently the bathroom's really, really, dark and you realize that life's a crap shoot.
Literally.

song: Somebody Turned on the Light • artist: Arlo Guthrie

Movin' Out II

So we move to a property that's on six acres of land.
And my kids won't go outside because of all the inch worms.

song: Movin' Out • artist: Billy Joel

Movin' Out

I ran over the laundry basket with my car.
The first casualty of moving.

song: Moving Out • artist: Billy Joel

Willkommen

Sure I hung up the car on the big rock at the end of my driveway this morning, right in front of my neighbor.
But I was trying to turn up the radio because the show tunes station was playing Willkommen from Cabaret. The Joel Gray version.
You would have done the same thing.

song: Willkommen • musical: Cabaret

Hats off to Larry

When I looked in the closet the other day I realized that my spring wardrobe was my winter wardrobe without socks and leg warmers.

And with a different hat.

I love hats. 

I've loved them since college. I'm not sure why.

Maybe I was an Amish woman in a past life.

Or a Muslim.

Or an Orthodox Jew.

Or Abraham Lincoln.

song: Hats off the Larry • artist: Del Shannon

Low Budget

The cheapness of a mother is revealed in the number of times she reuses the birthday candles.

song: Low Budget • artist: The Kinks

Z is for Zoo

Having four sons is like living in a zoo.
Although I've never lived in a zoo my guess is that they are noisy and dirty and that there's a lot of mud slinging.
But wait, that's not fair to zoos.
The zoos I've been to are all actually clean and spacious and beautifully landscaped and the animals all get along.
Having four sons is like living in a third-rate, soon to be uncredited, zoo.
Yeah. That's more like it.

clerihew for Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld, was born today
His show about nothing still has a way
Of defining my life most every day

Y is for Yell

Think you'll be the kind of parent who doesn't yell?

Think again.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

X is for Exorcism

If you have four sons it's likely at some point, even though you're not Catholic, you'll conclude one of them needs to have an exorcism.
What else could explain their behavior?
Case a point. Last week I had to bring my 12 year old and one of my seven year olds in to work (school vacation week). The seven year old, without me noticing, stuck two post-it notes on my back, one that read "baby," and another that read, "I poop in my pants." Please note the irony there if you've been following these posts.
Thankfully I have kind co-workers who pointed out that I was, yes, a grown woman walking around work with post it notes stuck to her back.
What kind of kid does that and then cries at night, not because I didn't come up stair for kisses and tuck ins, but because I didn't say "night, night," on the way out of his room.
The kind of kid who needs a exorcism that's who.
"Why you do this to me, Dimmy?"

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

W is for Wicked

If you're going to parent four boys you'll need to have a wicked sense of humor.
You'll achieve this best by being born in Massachusetts where something being wicked is considered above and beyond as in "wicked good," or "wicked awesome."
Maybe you should reconsider parenting four sons if you cannot find the humor in rinsing off clothing diapers in the laundry room sink and wandering off and forgetting about said diaper only to return to find the water overflowing out of the sink and into the cat's litter box which is poised underneath thereby not only wasting copious amounts of water in your attempt to be green but also creating a huge mess that needs to be cleaned up in addition to all the other huge messes piling up around the house. 
You'll need to see the humor in broken windows, and poop-smeared ceilings (really!), in inane questions and temper tantrums in the supermarket.
I've tried to convey some of that humor in the last 22 posts. It's all about the humor really - there's something to laugh at, or at least to try and laugh at, every day.
Speaking of the cloth diaper incident, the only real green I benefit I reaped from that little experiment was when I finally sold all the cloth diapers on Ebay. 
Skip the cloth diapers and just potty train your kids advises the mom whose seven year olds still wear Pull Ups to bed. But look on the bright side - I'm saving water by not having to wash peed in sheets every night right?
Now that's, wicked awesome.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

V is for Volumes

Since my first son was born 12 years ago I've written volumes about my children and about being their mom. And not just in this blog. On paper. In journals. Lots and lots of journals. You dear reader get the best, the prime rib if you will, of those entries. 
For years prior to the arrival of my first born I sporadically kept journals. I have one from the three months I spent in Europe in 1990 and another of the summer I spent working for Peach Tree Circle Farm. There are others but they tend to ramble or go months and months between entries.
The reason I've been able to keep this current spate of journals going is that parenting is something new everyday. Just when you think you've figured your kids out they change, just when you get used to a phase, it's over. You find that you can barely keep up with their shoe size much less the inner workings of the growing psyches.

So you write entries in journals and try to grasp moments, catalogue them, file them away for when there's time to revisit them. 

Entries like: 

- Parenting is explaining that the "touchie takie" rule applies only to food and not to 59¢ items at the Christmas Tree Shop.
Nice try guys.

- parenting tip #4891: The toddler who does not poop in his diaper all morning will unload with a colossal dump the moment you arrive at: a) the park, b) his big brother's piano lesson, c) the library, d) all of the above.

- Tonight I told one of the boys that if he couldn't eat his dinner, could he at least artfully arrange it on his plate?

No sense wasting food and sacrificing good design too.

- I think we can all agree that over weight guys with white beards and nicotine habits should not don Santa hats.

My kid (pointing out the car window): "Mommy. Is that Santa?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe."
My kid: "Doesn't Santa know that smoking is bad for you?"

- When you're over 40 the a game Concentration with your kids could pretty much be renamed Just Guessing.

- Today the twins ate an entire bag of SeaSnax dried seaweed in the car on the way home from the health food store.

My tuna casserole they snub, but a big bag of kelp? Bring it on.
ps. In case you've never eaten seaweed and you're wondering, it's not as if seaweed tastes like chicken. Seaweed tastes like seaweed.

- Parenting is asking your children if they'd rather enjoy their lives and be happy or keep arguing and fighting over who stepped on a crack.

Good times.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

U is for Underwear

If you have sons of a certain age, you will be surprised at how infrequently they change their underwear.
Use a bath towel once and it's in a clothes basket (or more likely a heap on the bathroom floor), but send them to a friend's house for the weekend and the clean undies you send with them will come back untouched, do a load of laundry and the ratio of socks to undies is like 8 to 1.
I can't understand it.
It's like the new math.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

T is for Twins

Although sex is the traditional way to acquire children; one way to reach your four-boy quota quickly is to have a set of twins.
That's what I did,
"Oh," you say, "now I know her secret."

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

S is for Sex

Sex is the traditional means by which one acquires children.
Sometimes, when you have what's considered to be a lot of children, others might presume that you do not know that sex leads to babies, that you perhaps forgot this fact, or that you need a gentle "wink, wink, nudge, nudge," reminder. This idea might cause some people to say loudly, "hey you guys, don't cha know how this thing works?" 
And while I know that this is said in jest. 
It's not okay to say. 
Ever.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

R is for Race Car

The Pinewood Derby is an event that your sons will participate in if they become cub scouts. 
You'll sign your kids up for cub scouts even though you frown on the BSA's stance on homosexual leaders because you're desperate for someone, anyone, to teach your kids good manners and besides you're a Unitarian so the kids meet plenty of gay couples at fellowship.
So you sign up for cub scouts and it's pretty fun. There are parades, pledges, secret handshakes, and field trips, and your kids look pretty smart in those uniforms.
And then it's February and your kids come home from scouts with a block of wood and tell you that you're suppose to help them make it into a car, and not just any car, a car that will win the derby.
So you nod and look excited and give the box to your husband and think "yes!" finally a project were dads get judged with the same unfairness with which moms get judged: Halloween costumes, clever goodie bags at the birthday party, the most desirable dessert at the pot luck, your kids appearance. No one ever thinks a kid is dirty and has messy hair because their dad is a slacker.
On the other hand, The Pinewood Derby is all about the dads.
The Dad's who were once cub scouts themselves have the first advantage because they've already seen which car designs are the sleekest. Then there's the weight and where to put the weight, and how to incorporate your son's Star Wars theme, or "make mine an alligator like Billy's dad did last year," (curses to Billy's dad). 
And finally knowing how much room to leave between the wheels and the ground so the car doesn't get stuck in the track.
The dads for the most part take their jobs seriously. While moms will stand aside at the pot luck and pretend they don't care if no one eats their green bean casserole, dads pay attention. They stand at the end of the track and take notes and confer with the other dads.
The derby dads have to be ready to problem solve on a moment's notice. This is another category that's usually dominated by moms. Who's got a kleenex, extra bottled water, a sweatshirt, or clean undies? The moms right? 
At the derby the dads stand ready, usually armed with pocket knives that look like they came from the prop closet of Survivor. 
I once saw a dad chisel down his son's car when it was over 5oz at weigh in. He whittled it symmetrically too, it wasn't just a last minute hack.
Another dad used his pocket knife to dig out a weight to bring his son's car under the weight limit and a third dad tried but alas failed to hollow out the bottom of his son's car so it would stop catching on the track. There was crying.
Like monsters on the edges of ancient maps - the sign above the church basement where the derby is to be held should read, "here there be crying."
I think the reason the Pinewood Derby is held in the basement of a church is so as to give the dads a more direct route with their prayers (Please God don't let my kid come in last), and also to remind people that there are worse things than having your kid be the one whose axel comes off his car midway down the track.
Worse things.
Like crucifixion.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

Q is for Questions

If your four boys don't kill you with constant quarreling, they will numb your brain with a stream of questions that would confound Confucius.
Here are a few that I managed to write down since the A to Z challenge began:
How high can birds fly?
How many kids are there in the world?
How many rocks are there in the world?
How many trees are there in the world?
Can the library take a book out of the library?
Can a person have no cousins?
Does xylophone start with y?
Is a vine a tree?
What would happen if your penis got chopped off?
What if you got married and at the church where you married you had a favorite stuffy and there was a bench up front, could you put your stuffy on the bench?
When someone dies do they really get Xs over their eyes?
How many minutes have I been alive?
Is it nighttime yet?
Is three a famous number?
What kind of animals was God?
Who's gooder, God or Santa Claus?
What would happen if you threw a box of matches into the fireplace?
Can a king not have a baby?
How many years will I be when I'm 57?
What if some kid brought in one million dollars to school on banking day?

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

P is for Poop

You may think that once your kids are potty trained you won't have to worry about poop anymore but I'm here to regretfully tell you that this isn't the case.
Go ahead, google "my six year old poops in his pants," about a million hits come up.
The majority of six year old who poop in their pants are boys so with four boys, odds are you'll get one pant's pooper.
And here's the infuriating thing about it.
It doesn't bother them!
You'd think it would but it doesn't.
Touch the apple sauce to the chicken pot pie on their dinner plate and they freak out - but sit around at extended day in poopy underwear and not only will they not think it's a big deal, they'll question why you're insisting they take a shower that night.
Oh - and - unless you have a trust fund earmarked for the replacement of poopy underwear - poop is easier to peal off underpants when it's dried out.
Just sayin'.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

O is for Outdoors

If you are lucky your four sons will spend copious amounts of time outdoors in all sorts of weather, in all sorts of seasons, and even in the dark if they are so included and you remembered to stock their Christmas stockings with flashlights.
What will they do out there?
They will spend 95% of the time chasing each other around with sticks.
I once found a handmade sign in our yard that read, "sticks rule." Couldn't argue with that.
The other 5% of the time they'll spend strewing about the yard all the outdoor toys that they don't actually play with. If they can reach a hose and turn it on they'll make mud pies which they'll stir up with their sticks.
If they're old enough to have pocket knives they'll whittle their sticks into points in order to up the chances of putting someone's eye out.
Outdoors is a great place for your kids to be because when they scream they'll just annoy the neighbors and not you.
They might even wander into the neighbor's yard and then, like illegal aliens crossing the boarder, they'll be able to stay and live at their house instead of yours.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

N is for Noise

There's noise, and there's noise.
And then there's having four boys.
When you have four sons you will read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" in December and you will empathize with the Grinch.
After all, all the guy wanted was a little peace and quiet.
Who can't relate?

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

M is for Mud

Your boys will find it magnetic.
You will find it all over your house.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

L is for Legos

Don't get me wrong, I love Legos. They're so open ended. 
Except when they're not.
Which is all the time because your kid (like mine) doesn't want a bucket of generic Lego bricks (notice there are only two of those options on the Lego website, it's like the Kentucky Fried Chicken of Legos, there's the bucket. And the big bucket).
No, you're kids wants the Battle of the Five Armies from the Lego Lord of the Rings collection. He wants it because a) it's cool and b) because it's $59.99 and he's savvy enough to know that you won't shell out $399.99 for the Lego Death Star from the Lego Star Wars collection.
But don't think you're done after Battle of the Five Armies. There are many more sets in the LOTR Lego collection and you have to buy a multitude of them in order to get all the characters in the fellowship. You didn't think Lego would be stupid enough to put all eight of the main characters in one set did you? Just like Peter Jackson isn't stupid enough to shoot his whole Hobbit wad in just one movie.
Then there's Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the white. You'll need to have both. And the Lady of the Lake, don't forget your token female Tolkien character. 
You'll know you've reached the bottom of the parenting barrel when you find yourself sifting through the dusty contents of your vacuum clean bag looking for Gimli's sword.
All of these Lego sets are different and must be kept separate from each other if you want your son or daughter to be able to make the tower of Orthanc or Hagrid's hut more than once. Kinda makes gluing the darn things together, like the villain in the Lego movie wanted to do, look pretty appealing.
This means you'll need a special Lego room built on to your house to store your Lego collection when once families just needed a big plastic bin and one of those special tables with the green nubby tops.
Designated Lego rooms will probably be the next big thing in home design, forget appliance-laden kitchens, swank laundry rooms and bathrooms larger than the three-bedroom ranch I grew up in. 
Despite the differences in the individual kits one universal truth remains: they all hurt like hell when you step on them in bare feet at midnight on your way to the bathroom.

 Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.

Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

K is for Kissing boo boos

K is for kissing boo boos.

You think that it won't work but actually it does.

It doesn't work as well as a band aid emblazoned with your child's favorite super hero.

It doesn't work as well as ice in a zip lock baggie.

Or a trip to Dairy Queen.

Or a surprise present.

Or $20.

But works.


 Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

J is for Jokes

Children advance through different stages.
There's the stage where they discover their fists and wave them about in the air like midget dictators.
There's scooting, crawling, walking, penis obsession, and finally there's joke telling.
Some experts like the joke telling stage because they say it's proof positive that your child's developing their sense of humor  - a sophisticated development. 
The people who say this, don't have any children and haven't been hounded by their joke-telling offspring telling bad jokes for months on end. 
It would be okay if the joke telling stage came after the learning to read stage but it doesn't. What that means is that kids can't read their own jokes, they need you to read them out loud - or worse - they make up their own jokes.
And let's face it, kids don't make up clever, endearing jokes. They make up bad ones.
For example my son once told this joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because a man was chasing him with a gun.
That's perfect really. Why would a chicken cross the road - unless he was being chased by a homicidal maniac?
After the make-up-your-own joke phase, comes the knock, knock joke phase; another joke phase where children don't seem to realize that a joke is meant to be funny.
Then they start school and guess what? Their classmates will teach them jokes that will actually be funny. There's only one problem. It would seem that your son or daughter is in school with the exact same kids you went to elementary school with 30 years ago. How else to explain the proliferation of ancient jokes?
We all know what time it is when an elephant sits on your fence.
But for God's sake - laugh anyway.

 Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

I is for Insects

If I believed in a higher being I might suspect that he (or she) blessed me with four sons because of my high tolerance for creatures with six-to-eight legs.
I wouldn't say I love bugs, but I don't hate them either. I once spent an hour on the floor of my dorm room trying to find a spider my roommate was "pretty sure," she'd seen because she didn't think she could go to bed knowing that it "might" be in our room.
Yes, the reason I have four sons today is because I once wielded the office "bug mug" and successfully relocated many misguided spiders rather than squashing them.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.

H is for Heavy

Children are heavy, especially when you have twins and you have to schlepp them around in those infant car seats because you can't fit your double stroller through the doorway of your local coffee shop. I remember discovering this dismal fact on one of my first outings with the twins and then having to stand outside the coffee shop pathetically peering through the windows until the barista saw me salivating out there and came outside and took my order. Which she finally did. Which is why you should always support your local coffee shop.
But I digress.
People used to comment about how I was getting such a great work out in by carrying the kids around in their car seats and about what a great upper body workout it must be was but that was all bunk, seven years later I can't see that it's done me much good. I even tried putting of the twins in the baby Bjorn front pack and the other in the LL Bean backpack and wearing them both - what a freak show that was.
Even in the double stroller they were heavy. Mostly because their two older brothers would try to get away with sitting on the front until I'd notice and shoo them off.
It's odd because they were so light when they were born at 5lbs each. "Like loaves of bread," my husband commented when we were still in the hospital with them thus forever cementing the old outdated "bun in the oven" adage in reference to pregnant women.

Read my A-to-Z posts to see if you have what it takes to be the parent of four boys.
Find out more about the A-to-Z Challenge here.